I've been dreaming of finishing writing this thing, but now that I have it feels oddly sad. Thanks to all who reviewed: Jenny, Black Triforce, Caitie, WritingU.S.A, Always Peach, heartdamoose, and Kalira. Whoever you are, I forgive you I guess. We all have bad days. And a review's a review.
This is the last one of these I'll have to do for this story (sniffle): disclaimer: if, eleven chapters in, you still haven't realized that I AM NOT J.K. ROWLING, then I really don't see the point of telling you now. But here I go anyway: I don't own her stuff. Or Thomas the Tank Engine or Reese's Puffs or Legos. Jeepers...now enjoy...
Chapter Eleven: The End?
Something gold was twinkling up above him. It was the Golden Squid! He had to win the game or Wood's unibrow would devour him. He grabbed for it. THWAK. Fist met bone. "My bad," Harry said offhandedly to Nancy, whose eyes were rolling in pain. It hadn't been the Squid after all, just Nancy's giant gold pilot goggles.
"Quite alright, Harry! Blorghie!" Nancy assured him, holding his head to straighten out his vision. "You were out for quite a while. Don't be ashamed, young man. This only proves that you are an incredible pussy. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. Anyways, thank you for what you did. Not only did you stall the creep that raped Santa, but you also made us five dollars off Ebay."
"Welcome," Harry said. "So the reason you and Rabid were acting strange all year was that he was keeping you stoned?"
"Oh no, not at all, this is the way we are normally! Jibbo!" Nancy said cheerfully. "But he was drugging us to be unaware of his presence, and that's the best I can explain it. As you can see, I have also transformed you back to your normal self, since the author seemed to have forgotten the fact that you got terribly deformed after drinking those potions."
"Thank y-hold on," Harry frowned. "Did you say we stalled Voldemort? Not defeated?!"
"Oh, no, Harry. You'll be facing him at least five more times and it will only get harder. This was just the tip of the iceberg."
"WHAT?!" Harry cried in anger. "I don't have time to beat him up every year! This is-this is so unfair!" After he got himself under control, he finally remembered the object he'd stolen so long ago. "But-but then where's the stone?" Harry asked. "Did he get it?"
"It's right here, honky," Nancy said, pulling out the bling bling he'd been wearing earlier and opening the large locket to show Harry the stone inside. "I found it in your room and took it."
Harry erupted with rage. "YOU WENT IN MY ROOM AND WENT THROUGH MY STUFF?!" he cried, scrabbling for the stone. In his haste, he accidently knocked it out of Nancy's locket-bling-bling and it fell to the floor, where it shattered.
Nancy frowned. "Hmph. And Gandalf told me the only way to destroy it would be to throw it into Mount Doom...crazy bloke, I always said..."
Harry chose to be quiet, happy he wasn't about to be sent off to Mount Doom with a bunch of hobbits and girly men. "Anyways," Nancy continued. "Voldemort and the fake professors were keeping us all drugged through the lima bean soup we ate every day. But now things can return to normal. Spork! And I am awarding you and your friends 500,000 million points each for breaking rules and being pompous jerks! HOORAY!"
Confetti fell from the ceiling of the infirmary, and Madame Pomfrey ran in to investigate. "What are you doing? What is this sparkly stuff in the air? Out, Nancy! It's time for the victim's-er, patient's, medicine."
In the days that followed, Harry came to realize that the nurse had never been switched with a stunt double in the first place, and was as sadistic as ever. By the time he'd come out of the hospital wing, he was just happy to be alive. Then he and the gang, including Hermione, who'd been changed back from a giant yellow Lego block, skipped off merrily to beat up Malfoy for some good ole-fashioned fun. Afterwards, they drank insecticide and ate some Reese's Puffs to celebrate their victory.
Strangely, there were no big changes after the fight with Voldemort. They still ate lima bean soup every day, albeit drug-free, and out of troughs too. They still slept in cots and flew whatever stack of flying objects McGonagall found lying around somewhere for Squidditch. Nancy still threw weapons at Rabid, who still frothed and ate children, replacing them with robots. Monty the entertaining troll had gone back to his studio in Troll Land. Other than the fact that the teachers actually taught their subjects, and didn't burst into balls of flame, nothing had changed. Harry was rather disappointed, but no matter how many times he pounded his fists into walls, knocking down portraits that began cussing at him, Hogwarts stayed the same.
"Really nothing you can do about it, chum," Jason informed him one day. "It's always been this way. And really, how could the author ever think of writing a sequel if this place was normal?"
"And if you don't like it, chap," Freddie threatened in a low voice, extending his claws, "Then you're welcome to leave..."
And leave he did. But not for escape. It turned out that summer had come before Harry knew it. Soon it was time for the gang to board the Thomas the Tank Engine and leave for home. Harry was delighted to leave this place, and giggled at the prospect of torturing the zombie-Dursleys over the summer. Then came the feast on the last day of term, where Gryffindor of course was named the winner of the House Cup, because good guys always win, and everyone devoured rotten pumpkin hash left over from Halloween and toasted each other with pumpkin juice and, in Harry's case, insecticide. After throwing up all over his cot, Harry took his packed suitcase, in which he had placed something very secret, and joined Ron and Hermione, who were standing in the Great Hall with the Neville-robot, dodging falling meat cleavers.
They all hugged each other and sobbed with relief at the prospect of leaving. They'd all changed back into Muggle clothes and Ron was wearing a lime green dress, much to everyone's disgust. Then Rabid showed up at the train to say farewell, devouring a hippopotamus and brandishing his huge pink machete. "I wanna drive!" he roared. He finished his hippo, ate the conductor, and hopped into the driver's seat. The train started off with a roar.
"Well, goodbye Hogwarts," Harry said happily.
"Don't forget, Harry, there's always next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and the year after-" Prissy started, mistaking Harry's relief for sadness and trying to cheer the bloke up.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Harry yelled.
At Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, Harry said goodbye to Ron and Hermione, promising them he would write (sadly). It seemed this friendship deal was harder than he thought. Then he climbed in the car with the zombies and drove away from King's Cross. He looked back at Rabid devouring fat children in the train. Then he looked down into his trunk at the flying motorized cart he'd shrunk and smuggled away into his luggage and smiled. Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, an author finished typing the last words of her precious monstrosity, and smiled back.
I did it, I did it, I did it! It's absolutely not perfect,and it's full of mistakes, but I DID IT! This is the first story I've ever finished. I hope you all enjoyed it and it took your mind off all the unfunny, serious things in the world that we hate to think about, and maybe made you laugh a little bit. Thanks for being patient, and thanks especially if you reviewed. Now cmon and REVIEW! GET ME TO A HUNDRED GUYS! I'LL LOVE YOU! I promise to thank you in the sequel. I broke my promise to myself and begun planning the next parody. Like I said, it'd have to wait, and would take a while to write cuz the plot's so complicated. But maybe someday...yeah...but for now, I'm taking a nice break from writing, which I can finally do without feeling bad and irresponsible. And you know why? It's cuz I FREAKIN' DID IT MAN!