Title: Draco Malfoy and the Rack


Rating: Mildy Amusing Salsa

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter or Monty Python.

Summery: Just a simple morning until Draco and company hold their version of the Spanish Inquistion.

Author's Note: The words are based off a script from somewhere online. If the words don't jive with what you have, know that the troupe, Monty Python, did a few versions of their more popular skits. That and I had to convert it to a story and conform it to Hogwarts.

Harry was just sitting there, minding his own business as he tried to watch out for folks who might ruin one of Hermione and Ron's very few romantic monents. Really he was just trying to be nice about it all but Voldemort, the inconveinent freak that he was, decided to get really angry and the famous scar started to throb and turn into a full scale mirgaine.

"Ah!" Harry gasped. Ron and Hermione leapt up from the bushes, both looking well snogged, and raced to his aide.

"Harry? What's wrong?" asked Ron.

"Is it You-Know-Who? Is it just a stress indused migrane, I read about those you know." said Hermione.

"Oh, just say the bloody name already! You aren't even a wizard-born witch!" Harry gritted out between his spasams of pain. Hermione colored at that and Ron gave Harry a searching look.

"You're more rational when you're suffering." he said and Harry just rolled his eyes, "Now, what's wrong? Is it You-Know-Who? Is he angry or is he happy? Can you tell what he's thinking?"

"Geez, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." muttered Harry. A chord of strange music rang out from nowhere that the intrepid trio could see and out of a clump of pine trees jumped Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. All three in blazing red robes and black skullcaps.

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Announced Draco dramaticly scowling, "Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise..." He stopped and frowned, "Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency..." he paused again to get his words in order, "Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four...no... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again." He said and went back behind the trees.

"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." Harry said again with a sigh. The chord was struck again and the three red clad Slytherins popped out.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Draco said with his exaggerated flair.

"Are you even Catholic?" asked Harry.

"Do you believe in a God?" asked Hermione.

"I thought all you Slytherins sold your souls to get in your house." said Ron.

"No! Now shut up!" Draco shouted and Crabbe sucker punched Ron, "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!" Draco turned to Goyle, "I can't say it - you'll have to say it."

"What?" asked Goyle.

"You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'" explained Draco.

"I couldn't do that..." said Goyle as if it were against all he knew. Draco ignored him and forsed t Crabbe and Goyle behind the trees again.

"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." Harry repeated now rather tired of the charade. Again the chord was struck and out came the three purebloods.

"Er... Nobody...um..." Stuttered Goyle, but he still had a small look of athority.

"Expects..." Draco whispered.

"Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um..." Goyle stumbled over the words and now failed to look menasing.

"Inquisition." Draco interjected again.

"I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -" Draco elbowed Goyle to get him to stay on script.

"Our chief weapons are..." Draco helped Goyle out.

"Our chief weapons are...um...er..." repeated the lummox.


"Surprise and -" Draco was now fed up with it all.

"Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal Crabbe, read the charges." declaired Draco.

"You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the-'" Read off Crabbe from a clipboard with a quill pen tied to it with a bit of pink yarn.

"That's enough." said Goyle stepping up to tower over Hermione, "Now, how do you plead?"

"We're innocent." stated Hermione calmly.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Laughed Draco in a rather histronic manner. An unnamed freed house elf in mismatched clothes popped up with a sign that read, 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER'.

"We'll soon change your mind about that!" Goyle said menacingly to her. The same house elfe popped up with another sign saying, 'DIABOLICAL ACTING'.

"Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-" Draco stopped thinking about what he just said, "Ooooh! Now, Cardinal - the rack!" Draco said and Crabbe pulled out a plastic dish drying rack, and a rather cheap one at that. Draco scowled at him and tried ineffectivly to hide his anger.

"You...Right! Tie her down." At the command Crabbe and Goyle really did try to tie Hermione to the rack, but ended up just using a sticking charm to get her wrists to stay. "Right! How do you plead?" Draco asked trying to keep on target.

"Innocent." Hermione said.

"Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn." Draco said and the two bohemoths looked at the rack and gave Draco an 'Are you kidding look?'

"I..." Goyle started but Draco waved his hand imperiously.

"I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake." he said frustrated with how downhill the the whole thing was going.

"I..." Goyle tried to talk again but Draco interupted him.

"It makes it all seem so stupid." the blond muttered on.

"Shall I...?" asked Crabbe.

"No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!" Draco finished with a weaker diabloic laugh. Crabbe turned an imaginary handle on the rack. Harry and Ron were both laughing and Hermione was looking very put out with the whole thing.