7A/N: This is the "partner" fic to "Who Was I To You?." This is the fic that's in Ryo's POV, where he tells his side of the story- not responding to what Dee said in my other fic, mind you. It's as if Ryo is writing this to Dee to resolve the confusion that's been so apparent between them. It's sort of like a long apology. Hope you like it! R/R!
Summary: Ryo's opening up about his feelings and all of his thoughts from when they first met to the present (end of vol.7).
Disclaimer: Again, don't own them. A lot more hot, yet fluffy, action between Dee and Ryo if I did. ;)
I'm sure you're frustrated... no, wait, scratch that- I know you're frustrated, Dee, about everything I put you through since the first time we met. Before I begin to explain myself, there's something I need to say: I'm really, really sorry. You must have felt like I was leading you on every time I let you kiss me and then push you away.
Honestly, I wasn't quite sure myself about what I was doing. Your kisses always left me feeling delirious, yet so alive. Your touch causes my whole body to burn like an inferno. To this day, I can still feel the first few times your soft, moist lips and strong, yet gentle hands touched and caressed me; igniting a flame that, for so long, was burned out. No one has ever been able to start this flame, except you. I never wanted those moments to end, but I kept telling myself it was wrong. Thoughts of how "sinful" it is to have these feelings for another man were overwhelming my baser desires. Little did I realize that what I was feeling was right and completely normal. I was too focused on what society might think. I'll admit that it was stupid of me to worry about something so petty, when all of my focus should have been put towards my true feelings for you. Again, I must apologize.
Okay... so I made a few mistakes when it came to realizing how I truly felt. You know I'm not that smart, even when the most obvious things are staring straight at me. I realize now how much you tried to make your feelings apparent to me and all I did was ignore them or didn't acknowledge them until later. I'm embarrassed about how foolish and irresponsible I was.
To tell you the truth, I wasn't looking for love when I was assigned to your precinct. I was only looking for a job that would keep me on my toes 24/7. You then walked into my life with your piercing gaze, stubborn personality, sweet smile, and overwhelming good looks. Can I repeat that last part one more time? You are so good looking, Dee! That's also something that scared me - I was developing a sexual attraction towards a guy. Every time I looked into your deep green eyes, I felt as if I was going to get swallowed up by them and I didn't know if that was a good thing. Fear certainly has a way of controlling people, doesn't it?
One thing that I really admire about you is how honest and open you are about yourself. You aren't afraid to tell anyone who you are and that you're proud of it. I've always wanted to have that kind of strength and pride. There are so few people in this world that have the guts to come out and say how they truly feel without fear of prejudice. I'm still learning, but you're the one that first taught me how. Thank you for being there when I needed you the most and showing me what I was missing out on in life. You've always had a brash, yet gentle way of helping me realize things that I should have already known. As I've said before, you're way beyond sweet sometimes.
Do you remember those times when I kissed you out of nowhere? Do you know why they happened? Sorry, stupid question. Of course you don't know. I never told you. Anyway, did you ever notice that I kissed you right after you said something to me? Well, let me just say, that all of those things you were saying to me sent large waves of emotion throughout my body, only to, eventually, land in my heart. You have such a way with words; so much so, in fact, that I find myself drawn to the lips that utter them. Next thing I know, I'm kissing you. It's like, in those moments, I was falling in love with you over and over again. In reality, though, I was already in love with you long before those moments ever existed. Your words simply helped bring it to the surface, where it should be.
I believe an exception to what I just stated would be that time at Bikky's school, where I thought you had been killed by that explosion. That kiss was a little different from the others I had bestowed on you. When I walked into the classroom and saw you smile at me, I was filled with so much happiness and relief, that I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. My heart suddenly took over and I wasn't thinking about anything else other than the fact that you were alive and I never wanted to lose you. I even told you that I never wanted feel like I lost you ever again. It really opened my eyes to reality and I had a better understanding of that old saying: 'You don't know what you have until it's gone.' I sure as hell thought you were gone when I saw the explosion. It felt as if my whole world had exploded along with the school. I was so scared at the thought that I might never get to hear your voice calling my name or tell you to stop when you would go a little too far with your touching. The list could go on and on. I guess I got a pretty good idea about how you felt when you thought I was going to die at the hands of that Englishman, Renard Henry.
You mean so much to me, Dee. Sorry it took so long for me to realize just how much. But don't worry. I'm not going to run from my feelings any longer. I'll say the words that you've been longing to hear me say: I love you! I'll say it a million times if I have to, if it means that you'll eventually believe me. I know you've told me a thousand times over that you love me and I'm sorry I never responded. I'm willing to do anything to make it up to you. You're the only one that can make me happy and I want to spend the rest of my life fulfilling that. I wholeheartedly believe we were destined to meet and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for waiting for me. I know it took me a long time to get all of my feelings sorted out and, for that, I apologize. I honestly can't believe you waited for so long and still pursued me.
The only other people in my life who bothered to give a damn about me was Aunt Elena and Uncle Rick. Even though they supported and loved me, I still felt a little lonely. That's when you came into my life and... sort of saved me, I guess. With you around, I never feel alone or depressed. You always seem to brighten my day and, more importantly, my life. You are, without question, my best friend, my soul mate, and my world. That'll never fade, because I won't let it. It's time for me to keep this relationship going, because you've done most of the work already. Take a breather and let me handle everything... except, of course, when it involves work. You'd better stop slacking off when we're on duty! You know very well that I'm always the one who has to write up all of the apologies when you screw up. It's so damn frustrating! That's one thing I definitely need a break from.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. All of the things you do to me make me want you even more... except when I eat shit from the boss when you fuck up, dammit! Sorry, sorry... I'm getting sidetracked again. Look, all I'm trying to say, is that I hope we can stay together forever or at least until we get old and die. I think you'd still be quite character when you get old. It makes me laugh just thinking about how you would act if someone made you mad. You'd probably chase after them with your walker at a mach speed of 2 miles an hour, yelling at the top of your old, worn out lungs. Oh, how I love you, Dee. It's hard to imagine what life would be like without you now. My life, actually, makes more sense now that you're with me, helping me find myself. Thank you for your love and kindness. Without them, I would be a total wreck. You're my reason for living and my hot knight in shining armor. You know... you're too damn good looking for your own good! I just wanna eat you alive! Actually, how about we get to that later? By the way, it's my turn to be on top. You're not the only dominant one in this relationship, ya know? I may seem timid and clueless on the outside, but I do have a darker, kinkier side. Be prepared, is all I can say in that regard.
Okay, I've talked for way too long and gotten sidetracked far too often. So, to conclude my already long-winded explanation, I just want to tell you how much I love you. I'll prove to you that all of your efforts were not in vain. I'm here by your side and I'm not going anywhere.
OWARI
Okay minna, give it to me gay(instead of straight)! You had to use a bulldozer to get through the mounds of fluffy sugar, didn't you? Sorry if I rambled too much. I tend to go a little overboard when I put my heart into something I really like doing. I hope it still tickled your fancy, though.