Disclaimer: Do you really need one of these at this point?


"Thank you, Snake. Now the detonation code is completed. Nothing can stop Metal Gear now." 'Master Miller' said, grinning evilly. Of course, he forgot to add in "unless you go for a hat trick of giant mechs getting blown to kingdom come" to his speech.

"Master, what's going on?!" Snake growled. Hmm, let's see. You just activated the nuclear equipped walking deathmobile, and Master called up to gloat. Could it possibly be that this was all part of an elaborate plan?

"You found the key, and even activated the warhead for us. Hell, you went through a time consuming fetch quest that involved exploding rats and liquid metal. That's fantastic. You see, we weren't able to get the DARPA Chief's code. Mantis couldn't read him, and Ocelot accidentally killed him during the interrogation. And that sucked, since without the ability to launch, the President could y'know, blow us the fuck up without fear."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… first I figured that we could get the information from you, Snake, because obviously a grunt whose been played like a kazoo since the whole thing began would have it. Unfortunately, Octopus, disguised as the Chief, died while chatting you up… thanks to FoxDie.

"You had this planned from the beginning? Just to get me to input the detonation code?!"

"C'mon. If I didn't want you running willy-nilly around my nice, comfy base, I would've simply had Raven, Mantis, and Wolf standing at the docks to send you to Hell then and there."


MEANWHILE, IN HELL…

Our recently departed friends just realized that they should've suggested that very idea to Liquid.

"-Kssssssh- So… who are you rooting for?"

"Jackass that got us killed, or the jackass that killed us. Tough Call."

"I agree vith Raven. I'm not going to bet on vich of Zaladin's zons vill kill the other…"

"I'll go with Snake. Y'know, because he killed a guy with a can of—hrkk!"

"Octopus, you finish that fucking sentence, and I will start doing open heart surgery with my bare hands…" Ol' eyepatchy said.


BACK AT SHADOW MOSES…

"Anyways, once the world glimpses the power of this weapon, the White House will have no choice but to surrender the FoxDie vaccine to me. Their ace-in-the-hole is useless now…" 'Master' said, his voice taking on a familiar British accent…

"Ace-in-the-hole?"

"The Pentagon's plan was already successful… in the torture room. Snake, you're the only one who doesn't know. Poor fool.". If you have been reading previous chapters, and if you're this far you probably did, you do know that Snake is a fool, regardless of his knowledge of the evil secret conspiracy thing.

"SHNAKE!" Campbell chimed in. "That'sh not Mashter Miller!"

"Campbell! You're too late!" 'Master' said. Yep, considering the nuclear weapon was activated, and the villain had started another tirade, Campbell could've revealed that tidbit a little earlier.

"Mashter'sh body wash dishcovered at hish home. He'sh been dead for at leasht three daysh! I didn't know thish, but Mei Ling shaysh hish transhmishion is coming from the baysh!"

"Wait… put Mei Ling on the line." Snake demanded.

"Snake… what about the big surprise twist?" 'Master' asked, dejected that Snake would rather talk to a cute secretary than an evil dude in shades.

"It can wait. Now Mei Ling, are you there?"

"Uh, yes Snake."

"How the fuck long did you know that this fucker's message was coming from this base?"

"Uh… six hours ago."

"Why the fuck didn't you notify anyone?"

"Uh… I… uh… remember, in the words of Patrick Henry, 'Give me liberty, or give me death.'."

"What the Hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, considering you'll be fighting a giant robot, so you'll either preserve truth, justice, and the American way, or you'll die. And also, I figured it would distract you."

"Wait… what were we talking about again?"

And our tech support/inane trivia girl could only think Mission accomplished. "You were telling me how I was the prettiest CODEC support girl in the world. Now get out there and yell at that supervillain!" Mei Ling said, signing off.

"Man… that Mei Ling is hot." 'Master' chimed in.

"Yeah, I know. So… what's that big secret?" Snake said.

"Shnake, you've been talking to…"

"…Me… dear brother." Liquid said, removing his sunglasses and untying his hair. Considering how often Snake called him, Liquid would have to be messing with his hair almost constantly. Like a twelve year old schoolgirl.

"Wow… my archenemy and doppelganger, managed to pretend that he was my warbuddy and the guy who trained me to be a black ops badass." Snake said, realizing now that maybe his nagging suspicion that Master had been more British, evil, and secretive than ever before might've been a clue.

"You've served your purpose…" Liquid said. "…Now die!"


Immediately the door to the control room shut tight and poisonous gas filtered in. So… why exactly did the people who designed Shadow Moses make the all-important control room serve double duty as a gas chamber?
Anyways, Snake immediately called Otacon.

"Okay, nerd. I need you to hack into this door and open it for me, okay?"

"Alright Snake, I'll get right on it."


And so, fifteen seconds later, Snake was free. Rushing out of the control room, Snake spotted Liquid. Drawing his SOCOM, it was his turn to shout out his brother's name. "LIQUID!"

"Snake… did you like my sunglasses?" Liquid asked. Apparently, for the final showdown, Liquid had decided to abandon his completely badass trench coat, and just stand around half naked, stealing a page from Raven's playbook. Eh, at least he had a cool Snake tattoo on his arm.

"Yeah, stylish yet conservative. They would've gone nicely with your trench coat. Speaking of that, where did it go?"

"Could we possibly get back on topic?" Liquid asked.

"Oh, yeah. Why did you impersonate Master?!"

"So I could manipulate you more easily, pawn boy."

"What?"

"Stopping the launch, rescuing the hostages, it was all a diversion."

"A diversion?" Snake said, hoping that if he repeated all of Liquid's dialogue, he'd get distracted and not start up Metal Gear.

"The Pentagon only needed you to come into contact with us. That's what killed Octopus and the ArmsTech President."

"You don't mean…"

"Yep, you're like that monkey from Outbreak. But instead of some weird organ liquefying virus, you've given everybody FoxDie. Dance monkey! Dance! Erm… excuse me. Anyways, as it turns out, Doctor Naomi Hunter, or whoever that crazy lady is, made alterations to FoxDie's programming"

"Maybe that's why they arrested her?" Snake said.

"Probobly. Fool, motivated by petty revenge. Anyways, it doesn't matter. I've already added the FoxDie vaccine (and a pony) to our list of demands."

"There's a cure?"

"Well, there must be. But only that woman truly knows. Anyways, it may prove unnecessary. I mean, Baker and Octopus died from it, and you killed Wolf, Raven, and Mantis before symptoms could develop, but Ocelot, myself, and you, the carrier, are all alive and well long past the time we should've had heart attacks."

"A bug in the virus's programming?"

"Maybe. In any case, if it doesn't kill you, then I'm not worried either. After all, our genetic code is identical."

"So you and I are…"

"Yes… twins. But not just any ordinary twins. We're linked by cursed genes. Les Efants Terrible. You're fine. You got all the old mans dominant genes. I got all the flawed, recessive genes. Everything was done so that you would be the greatest of his children. The only reason I exist was so that they could create you.". Now, I'm no geneticist, and it's been a good four years since the last biology class I took, but I kinda think that it'd be hard to have identical genetic codes if one received all the recessive genes, and another received all the dominant ones. And hey, recessive genes aren't necessarily the worst ones. But I'll leave the insane pseudoscience to Hideo.

"Hah! I knew it. Papa liked me better than you! I bet he's even gotten over the whole 'immolating him with a MacGuyvered flamethrower' thing." If you've seen some of our scenes from Hell, you just know that's just not the case.

"That's right! I'm just the leftovers of what they used to make you!" Liquid shouted, his emo-ness rising. "Can you understand what it's like to be garbage from the day you were born?!" said Liquid, clenching his fist angrily.

Seeing Liquid flip out like this sparked a dormant fraternal instinct in Snake. "C'mon Liquid, anybody with a genius intellect, nigh invulnerability, a badass trench coat, and a legion of inept guards can't be a total failure. Listen, I know you love Papa and want to carry out his legacy…"

"Love?! It was hate! He always told me that I was the inferior one, and now I'll have my revenge! You should understand me brother. You killed our father with your own hands!". Again, he began making his overly dramatic sweeping hand motions.

"Actually it was a can of hairspray."

"You stole my chance for revenge! Now, I will finish the work that father began. I will surpass him! I will destroy him!". Needless to say, Liquid Snake's amazing evil handgestures went into overdrive.

"You're just like Naomi…" Snake said. Let's see, British accent? Check. Long, girly hair? Check. Completely fucking loony? Megacheck. Yep, Snake's right on this one.

"Well I'm certainly not like you! Unlike you, I am proud of the destiny that is encoded unto my very genes! Yeah!" Liquid said as he leapt.

Why didn't I just shoot the motherfucker while he was giving another long, drawn out speech? Snake thought.

Anyways, Liquid had hopped over the railing and into Rex's driver seat… or so he thought.

WHAM!

"I forgot to open the cockpit? SONUVABIIIIIITCH!" Liquid said as he fell, probably adding in "SNAAAAAAKE!" as he reached the bottom.

THUD!

Obviously, a scene like that was enough to brighten anyone's day, including Snake's. Forgetting about the whole evil viral conspiracy, he burst into laughter, sarcastically calling down to the ground to see if Liquid was okay, and questioning his brother's intelligence.

Unfortunately for our hero, Liquid managed to drag his ass up the ladders, open the cockpit, and crawl in.

And so, as our hero finished laughing, he caught a glimpse of Rex's cockpit sealing up. "Damn!"

"Snake! Your blood will be the first to be spilt by this glorious new weapon… consider it an honor, a gift from your brother!" Liquid said, as the whole complex began breaking apart as the giant elevator Rex was standing on began moving upwards. "Now, I'll show you the power of the weapon that will lead us into the twenty-first century!"

Snake leapt onto the elevator, being carried up to the giant ass supply route/giant robot boss fight arena. Glaring upwards, he could only think of one thing, How do I stop it? Which was a question Snake should've worked out in his mind before leaping heroically to face it.

"MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!"

With that menacing sound, Rex began to move. Snake stood, glaring at the mech. He mulled over his options, and once again, decided, against all logic, to place his faith in his CODEC support team.


Campbell decided to ratchet up his 'complete asshole' status with this comment "Shnake, I feelsh the need to tellsh you that I'm authoryshed ta launch a nukular misshile at Shadow Moshesh if you don't win. Jusht sho ya' know."
Mei Ling shrugged. "Remember, in the words of the Blue Oyster Cult 'Oh No, they say he's got to go. Go, go Godzilla!'."

"Wouldn't 'Don't Fear the Reaper' be more appropriate? I mean, it has cowbells and all."

"Yeah, but you see, in the 1950s, Godzilla films were warnings about the danger of nuclear war and everything, and with the rampant 'nuclear weapons are bad' tirades that Nastasha goes on, it fits. Oh, and the author's a nerd that loves crappy songs about Japanese B-movies." Which is very true.

"That explains it."


"Master, I need your help. What do you think I can do against Metal Gear?"

"What the Hell? Remember fifteen minutes ago? Shut up, stop freezing time with your CODEC, and let's fucking have at it, you complete moron!"

"Wait, if I'm a moron, and superior to you, what does that make you?"

"Uh…"

"Hah! Liquid's dumber than a moron!" Snake chanted.

"I hate you so very, very much…"


"Nuclear weapons are very bad. I hate them!" Exclaimed Nastasha.

"Any USEFUL advice?"

"Like the tank, you could use Chaff to confuse Metal Gear's sensors. To find a weak point, you'd better call Otacon. Or just shoot at whatever the Stingers lock onto."

"Wow, that was informative."

"Thank you, and remember, nuclear weapons are bad."


"Snake, Rex is armed with twin vulcan cannons which can punch through flesh like tissue paper, laser guided missiles which can penetrate the heaviest armor, and the hottest laser ever made. Also, with a weight of over 150 tons, getting close enough to be stamped on is a death sentence. Also, its armor is completely and totally indestructible, except to the highest-quality anti-tank rounds. Oh, and I heard Baker talk about consecrating it with the blood of Celtic Druids, endowing it with supernatural powers and the ability to call upon Caoranach, mother of all demons. And…" Otacon said, going overboard in his amazing descriptive powers.

"Otacon, give me a weak point."

"Oh, yeah. I purposely left all its sensors bundled into a totally vulnerable array on it's left shoulder. Ironically, it's the only part of Rex that can be targeted with stinger missiles. Everything needs a character flaw."

"Wait, you purposely designed a mech with a weakpoint, and despite it being perhaps the only way for ARMStech to stay in business, nobody noticed or bothered to correct a noticeable flaw like an unarmored radome?"

"Uh… yeah."


MEANWHILE, A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY (yeah, I know it's not 'meanwhile' if it's a long time ago, but whatever)…

"-Koo-pah, Koo-pah- Tarkin, this battlestation of yours is amazing…" The imposing Sith Lord said, the sound of his mechanical respirator chilling the hearts of the assembled imperial officers. Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't go through a meeting without telekinetically strangling one of them to death over a slight misunderstanding.

"Yes Lord Vader. Once fully operational, nothing will be able to stop us."

"…but I've heard that there is a weakpoint, a lightly armored thermal exhaust shaft. –Koo-pah-"

"Yes, we're aware of that as well. But neither you nor the Emperor need to worry. The path to approach the shaft is covered in hundreds of laser turrets. Also, you'll be on hand, and I'm sure your skills in a TIE fighter would be sufficient to crush any of the rebels."

"-Koo-pah- Could we also y'know, make an emergency cutoff or just put more armor on the exhaust port or something? If the Force is with one of the rebels, they could get past our defenses.-Koo-pah, Koo-pah-"

At this point, Admiral Steve stood up. "Damnit, Lord Vader, haven't you ever heard of a budget? Don't you know how much money it takes to build a planet-obliterating laser? Seriously, we tried holding a bake sale to raise the funds for more armor, but hell, our Stormtroopers can barely fight primitive teddy bears. They can't cook worth a damn! And shut up with the Force, haven't you ever heard of Separation of Church and State? Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't given you the clairvoyance to find the hidden rebel base, nor has it…" As he continued his tirade, the other officers siddled off to the side. Unlike Admiral Steve, they had read the chapter of the Imperial Handbook that was entitled 'Lord Vader can and will most likely kill you, because he's a total badass'."

"-Koo-Pah, Koo-Pah- I don't like your tone, Admiral." Darth Vader said, raising his hand. His sad devotion to that ancient religion might not've given him the location of the rebel base, but it did give him the ability to crush people's throats with his mind. And really, I'd take mental choking over clairvoyance as a superpower any day.

"Wait…-kaff- no… I'm sorry Lord Vader… It's my first day on the job-wheeze-"

Grand Moff Tarkin, slightly annoyed at having to do the paperwork for both a funeral and promoting a new Admiral, sighed and said "Okay then, next order of business… Okay, I've heard reports that many of our officers are inept, as many of them rise through the ranks simply because our more competent officers die off like lemmings. Your thoughts?"


SHADOW MOSES…

With the knowledge of Rex's weakpoint and thirty plus stingers, Snake was pretty confident he could win. Just to hedge his bets, he decided to open the fight up with the most dangerous move in his arsenal...

While Snake hid underneath his trusty cardboard box, inside the armored cockpit of Metal Gear Rex, Liquid surveyed the arena. Now where the hell did that fucker go? All I see is a cardboard box soaked in wolf urine marked 'To Heliport'. Wait… the Heliport's at the other end of the base. AHA! Snake… you're a dick… in a box. It's my dick in a box, dick in a box yeah… wait… DAMN YOU JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!

And so, with a stupid song from SNL stuck in his head, Liquid both resolved to smite he who brought sexy back, as well as he who was hiding in a cardboard box. Snake was still patting himself on the back for his brilliant ploy, when the first of three anti-tank missiles landed on his head.

Upon consuming another ration, Snake looked around to see smouldering bits of cardboard raining down from the sky, the remnants of his brave box. "Boxy? NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Snake shouted from his knees. Regaining his composure, he stood up and stared down the mech. "Alright Liquid! You can torture me. You can send your friends to attack me. You can kill one of my only friends and pretend to be him while leading me to activate a nuclear weapon. You can even cause me to break the laws of physics and backflip on a missile. But this time… YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!"

And so, the battle raged. Once again, Snake found himself going toe-to-toe with a nuclear-equipped walking battletank. Like echoes of a long-ago battle, Metal Gear and Snake locked into combat, throwing caution to the wind as drunken colonels, tech-support quote junkies, nuke-o-phobic military analysts, and nerds deriving their nicknames from anime conventions held their breath.

With a vengeful cry, our hero lashed out, launching missile after missile at the metal behemoth. After what seemed like an endless onslaught, Metal Gear's shoulder was engulfed in a giant fireball. Time seemed to stand still as the radome began to smolder and Rex stood still.

"Did that do it?" Snake asked, his hopes rising as Rex remained motionless.

"MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Nice try, Snake!" Liquid said, adding his trademark "DIIIIIIIE!"

Rex sprang forward, raising its colossal foot to crush Snake.

SQUISH!

Wait… that's not the right sound effect. What's the one… oh yeah.

WHOOSH!

Before Rex could turn Snake into a formless stain on the floor, the armored figure of Grey Fox leapt in front of Snake, blocking the attack. And I must say, if he could hold up the leg of a giant robot like that, either he was holding back when he and Snake were punching each other, or rations are even more awesome than I thought they were. Oh, and he somehow got an arm-mounted lasercannon. If I had more than a cursory knowledge of the Megaman series, I'd say he kicked the little blue moron's ass and cut off his arm, but I don't, so anyways…

"Hurry! Get away!" Fox said, struggling a bit to keep the massive foot up.

"Gray Fox!" Snake said, glad that his old war buddy just Deus Ex Machina'd in for the assist.

"A name from long ago… It sounds better than Deepthroat."

"So wait… you were that guy?"

"So I watch a lot of porn. Do you want my help, or not?"

"Uh, well you do have to admit, you could've chosen a better name."

"Eh, what ya' gonna do? Anyways, you haven't aged well…"

"Me… fuck, you're the one living in a tin can. But man, Campbell is beat. Fuck, the first thing I thought of when I saw him wasn't 'superior officer' it was 'Wrinkly Homer Simpson in a beret'."

"Really? Man, maybe I should've said 'hi' to him, y'know? Cause it's been a long time since…"

Indignant, Liquid yelled at the two. "Can we please move on to the badassedry?"

"Fine. Whiny little bastard." Fox said.

"I'll send you back to hell!" an enraged Liquid said, as Rex's foot rose. Fox leapt out of the way as it stamped downward. What ensued was a machine-versus-machine matchup that made Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots proud. Fox ducked, dodged, and backflipped away from Rex's attacks, first throwing his sword into the radome, then blasting it a couple of times with his laser.

While Liquid fired blindly, obliterating a good amount of storage containers, Snake and Fox decided to have a talk.

"Fox, why? What do you want from me?"

"I am a prisoner of Death." Fox said, slipping into a gothy mood. "Only you, or that deathmobile over there can free me…"

"Fox, stay out of this…" Snake said, which, considering the fact that he'd be a smudge on the floor if it weren't for Fox, was pretty stupid. "What about Naomi? She's Hell-bent on taking revenge for you. Or not. Her last conversation was kind of wacky."

"Naomi…"

"You're the only one who can stop her." Considering that Campbell and the crew of the Discovery had arrested her, and stopped her from telling Snake an awful secret, that was a lie. There is no conclusive evidence suggesting that geneticists with supermodel looks and sexy accents are unstoppable.

"No… I can't…" Fox said.

"Is this going to be yet another shocking twist?" Snake said, bracing himself for a melodramatic turn.

"I am the one who killed her parents…she was young then, and I couldn't find it in myself to kill her too. I felt so bad that I decided to take her with me, enthralling her with tales of my youth, spent killing mercenaries and having inhumane experiments performed on me, turning me into an emotionless ninja with superpowers…damn circle of life, I'm right back where I started. FUCK! Where was I? I raised her like she was my own blood, to soothe my guilty conscience. Even now, she thinks of me as her own brother..."

"Wow, that's a sad tale, now we need to think of a way to stop Metal Gear…" Unfortunately for Snake, Fox's tale continued.

"On the outside, we might've seemed like a happy brother and sister. But every time I looked at her… I saw her parent's eyes staring back at me. Tell her, Snake. Tell her that I was the one who did it!"

As if on cue, Liquid finally spotted them, shouting "There you are!". I must admit, Liquid's kind of a dick, with the whole 'Nuclear Genocide/Impersonating Master Miller/Spying on Wolf thing', but hey, at least he has good dramatic timing.

"The fic's just about over! Here's a final present from Deepthroat…"

"Could you please either refer to yourself as 'Gray Fox', or just go all the way and claim that your name is 'Oral Intercourse'?"

"Fine… here's a final present from Gray Fox. I'll stop it from moving!" Our ninja friend said as he leapt out of hiding. After some more bullet dodging, Liquid finally changed tactics, firing his laser and sweeping it upwards, severing Fox's left arm. As Fox, undaunted, leapt high into the air, Snake was left to ponder why Otacon had designed a robot with a laser-beam wang.

Fox came down on a ledge on the other side of the arena, but as he raised his gun, Rex charged, slamming him into the wall, pinning him there. Liquid couldn't resist yet another chance to taunt a foe.

"In the Middle East, we don't hunt foxes, we hunt jackals. Instead of foxhounds, we use royal harriers." I know Liquid was a POW/terrorist in the Middle East, but wasn't he raised in England, where fox hunting was popular, wouldn't he be able to consider himself a fox-hunter? Not to mention, his group isn't Royal-Harrier, it's Fox-Hound, so he's just calling himself irrelevant. And anyways, since the game takes place in America, and the species of canines known as the gray fox live in America, where fox hunting is allowed in certain states, but generally killing the foxes isn't allowed, would he have to let Fox go? And since most fox hunters in America prefer chasing coyotes… eh, fuck it, I'll just let the questions hang…

"A cornered fox is more dangerous than a jackal…" came the badass reply from Fox, as he blasted the radome to kingdom come with his laser. Now, considering the fact that jackals can grow substantially larger, as well as… fuck. No more Animal Planet for DarkGidora.

"Impressive. You are indeed worthy of the codename 'Fox'. But know, you're finished!" Liquid said as the cockpit opened, while Fox dropped down on the ledge, not moving.

"Fire the stinger!" Fox yelled at Snake.

"Can you really shoot? You'll kill him too!" Granted, I'm no expert, but after having an arm lasered off, and then being tackled by a giant robot, I'd say killing Fox would be an act of mercy.

"Now, In front of you. I can finally die." Fox said, determined to deliver every last badass line he could. "After Zanzibar, I was taken from the battle, neither truly alive, nor truly dead. An undying shadow in a world of lights. But soon… soon… It will finally… end."

I'll stand right up and say, that was a truly awesome death speech and I am glad that I heard it. However, if you haven't played the game, let me just say it's annoying as hell. While he's dramatically explaining his deathwish, you're looking through the sights of your stinger, able to lock on to Rex. Unfortunately, you can't shoot. So the first time through, I was afraid that my square button was broken, because it was shooting. Then I realized Kojima was just trying to play with my mind. Hahaha. Kojima's wacky. Anyways, back to the awesome…

Using the top of Rex's now open cockpit, Liquid scraped the still-living Fox off of the ledged, sending him falling to the floor. Dramatically raising Rex's foot, Liquid shouted "DIE!", as once again, he stamped on down. Yet Fox was still alive, and more determined than ever to say something truly badass.

"Snake, we are not tools of the government, or anyone else! Fighting was the only thing… the only thing I was good at, but… at least I always fought for what I believed in… Snake… farwell."

"Hey Fox, are you done with the speech?" Liquid asked.

"Yeah…"

"So I can…"

"Go ahead."

With a final stomp, Liquid succeeded in destroying the most badass ninja/ cyborg/ military historian/ masochist/ black ops agent/ vampire slayer/ child soldier/ machete-weilding 'perfect soldier'/ lab experiment/ bartender that had ever lived.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!" Snake screamed, losing a friend even awesomer than the magic invisibility box. Man, I wish I could've helped him fight Metal Gear, but it's not like I could ever beat one of them… oh wait. I did it twice already. FUCK!

"MEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Would you stop? I'm lamenting the death of a friend here!"

"Foolish man! He prayed for death... and it found him! You see? You can't protect anyone after all! Not even yourself! DIE!" Liquid said, immediately before a stinger missile blew up in his face. Fuck. Pontificate before opening the cockpit. Not after.

And so, the battle raged again, as Liquid proceeded to intercept missile after missile with his face. Which, considering the resilience Snake has displayed, isn't all that shocking. For his part, Snake was blasted several times as well. As their lifebars fell, and Snake realized he had run out of rations, the final shot was fired, full of hatred and retribution. Man, I love over-dramatizing this stuff.

After getting hit with yet another stinger, Liquid pulled the burning hulk of metal forward. "Snake," Liquid said, his rage at it's peak. "I'll crush you into dust!" As he was about to do so, Rex paused a second, then began wavering like a drunken man who just got off a roller coaster, as explosion after explosion dotted the armored hide of the dread machine.

Colliding against a wall and just slumping there, Rex let off a final, pathetic "MEW!" before it was wracked with a final, gigantic explosion, the force of the blast slamming Snake headfirst into a wall, hard enough to send even his brain damage-accustomed self into unconciousness. Oh, and the last sight he saw before lapsing into oblivion was Liquid, that Box/Fox killing bastard, strolling casually towards him. So join us next time, as Tactical Idiocy reaches its conclusion. Ooh, there's gonna be explosions! And a musical number! And a haiku praising Joseph Kucan! Okay, maybe not all that, probably just the explosions, and maybe the music, but no haikus. But I swear it'll be good.

Aw fuck, here's a haiku, just so you can't sue me for false advertising.

Haikus are useful,
But can be nonsensical.
Command and Conquer!

TO BE CONCLUDED…


Author's Note: Thanks to the Legendary Warrior-Link for that Rex sound idea, I didn't think of that.

Wow. One chapter left. Thanks to everyone who bore with my glacial pace for the past two-and-a-half years, and let's just hope I can avoid jumping the shark.