16DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does.
This was an assignment for creative writing, worth half my mark. I need you guys to go through it thoroughly and let me know what jokes fall flat and what works/doesn't work. If you do, Charlie will return sooner than expected... I promise!
HARRY POTTER...
And the Necromancer's Pebble!
(Narrator comes onto the stage, standing at the side, addressing the crowd)
Narrator: Before we begin, we'd like to apologize to anyone offended by the content in this play. Chances are your offence was not intentional, but it's always an added bonus. We also apologize to William Shakespeare and the Pope, just in case. Our story begins on a dark and stormy night... at least it would have if we hadn't cut out that scene. On Privet Drive, we begin our story...
(Harry Potter comes onto the stage)
Narrator (in a dramatic tone): Harry Potter! And the Necromancer's Pebble!
Harry: Why must you always say it like that? And what's with the title?
Narrator: It's called showmanship, Harry. And we changed the title. We don't want to get sued. So deal with it! (to the audience) Good luck.
(Narrator exits)
Harry: Hi everyone! I'm Harry Potter, also known as "The Boy that Lived". And I hate my life here at Privet Drive, mostly because of my uncle and aunt and their idiot son, my cousin Dudley, who basically looks like a pig. But right now he's my ultimate irreplaceable enemy!
(Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia come on stage)
Harry: Where's Dudley?
Vernon: Got cut out. Couldn't afford another actor. And yes, we hate you. (to audience) This boy has been nothing but trouble since he's lived here!
Petunia: Which is all his life, mind you!
Vernon: Yes! Exactly. And we hate you! And say random bad things about your mom and pop.
(Narrator enters)
Harry: What are YOU doing back?
Narrator: Ahem. I'm the postman, and I have a letter.
(Narrator motions to hand it to Harry, but Vernon grabs it first)
Vernon: I'll take that!
Harry: Hey! That's mine! (to Narrator) You're just going to let him take my letter?
Narrator (shrugs): Deal with it.
(Narrator exits; Vernon opens the letter and reads. He seems to be scared)
Vernon: Ow! I got a paper cut! And we have to leave!
Harry: What? Why? Aren't there supposed to be more of these letters? Hey Narrator!
(Narrator comes back on)
Narrator (unamused): WHAT?
Harry: Aren't there supposed to be hundreds of letters that fly around us and I dance a jig?
Narrator: What do you think this is, Hollywood? No letters, and NO DANCING!
(Narrator exits; Hagrid enters)
Hagrid: Hi, I'm Hagrid, and Harry is coming with me!
Vernon: You're not supposed to be here yet! We haven't left to go to the lighthouse!
Hagrid: Actually we've gone Big Brother. We get you at your home now.
Harry: I'm not going with you! I don't even know you!
Hagrid (sighs): Harry Potter, I have been entrusted to bring you to the Hogwash School of Cross-stitch and Stitchery. Because you're a wizard Harry.
Harry: What? A Wizard? At a Stitching School?
Hagrid: Sure! You're a wizard at stitching!
Harry (smacks his head with his hand): Oi!
Hagrid: Don't you go 'oi'-ing me! I'm five times the size of you. Don't make me go all 'Andre the Giant' on you, ya slimy git!
Harry: If there's a cop in the audience, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
Hagrid: Now cut that out! We ain't got time to waste lines. (turns to Vernon) You lot outta here or we'll never get this done.
(Vernon and Petunia exit)
Hagrid: Now Harry, take a giant step like this. (steps forward. Harry does the same). Okay, now we're here at Hogwash.
Harry: What? What about the flying motorcycle? And the train ride? Platform 9&3/4?
Hagrid: No time for it. This ain't some big Hollywood production ya know!
Harry: What about Draco? I have to meet my arch nemesis!
Hagrid: Fine!
(Hagrid gives a dramatic sigh and steps to stage left, stopping at the curtains. Reaches behind and a boy leans around the curtains.)
Draco: Hi! I'm...
(Hagrid pushes him back and returns to Harry.)
Hagrid: There! You met him. Now here's all the books you're going to be needing.
(Pretends to give Harry books, when there's nothing but air)
Harry: What are you talking about? What books?
Hagrid: Shut up! We couldn't afford 'em this year. So just take the books I'm pretending to give to ya, and we'll say no more about it.
Harry: Boy, this is a really lousy play. Do I at least have an owl? And play Quidditch?
Hagrid: Nope. SPCA came and took all our owls. Claimed it was cruelty to animals. And there's no Quidditch either. Got no brooms. Though we've got the balls for it!
(Hagrid holds out his arms to the audience, waiting for a reaction. There is none)
Hagrid: Ah! Not funny enough for ya? Wouldn't know a good joke if it smacked ya with a two by four.
(Oliver Wood enters)
Oliver: Excuse me ogre...
Hagrid: Ogre?
Oliver: ... Did I hear you say you're canceling Quidditch practice?
Hagrid: Why yes, ya flippin' pansy, I did.
Oliver: But that's my only scene! I mean, I'm hot, sure! The girls love me! But I just don't have enough acting skills to appear in any other places in the script. I can't act by looks alone! Brad Pitt already does that! Plus they cut me out altogether in the third one.
Hagrid: Boo-hoo. Go cry to your agent, kid. I'm a little busy.
Oliver (sniffs): Okay... (begins to head offstage)... Daddy?...
(Oliver exits; Hermione, Ron, and Ralph Wiggum enter)
Hagrid: Okay Harry, now for some introductions with basic plot contributions. We have Hermione...
Hermione: Always a best friend, never a girlfriend. No social life or status of any kind. I'm super smart with no one to brag to.
Hagrid: Ron...
Ron: Too dumb to be the smart one, too chicken to be the hero. I am what I is.
Hagrid: And Neville...
Ralph: I like elves!
Hagrid: Wait a minute! You're not Neville! Get outta here!
(Ralph runs off stage crying. Neville enters, wearing a shirt that says 'Neville')
Hagrid: And this is Neville...
Neville: I like elves! (Hagrid gives him an angry glare.) What? I do!
Hagrid: These are your friends... except Neville. These people are important... except Neville... These people would take a bullet for you!
Ron: Whoa whoa! Not in the chest!
Hagrid: Oh no! Not in the chest... maybe the thigh or... the bulletproof vest...
Harry: So, I'm at school, right?
Hagrid: Yep. Step to the left is home, step to the right is Hogwash.
(Harry takes a step to the left, then steps back. He steps to the left again, then steps back.)
Hagrid: Cut it out. Whaddya think this is, the Mexico state border?
Harry: Sorry. I'm done.
Hagrid: Alright, now to get on with the teachers.
(Professor Snape, Professor McGonagall, Willy Wonka, and Professor Quirrel enter; Ron, Hermione and Neville take a step back)
Hagrid: Now unfortunately, Professor Dumbledore could not be with us, due to the fact that he passed away last spring. But we have a new Professor Dumbledore, whom we are substituting in his place, hoping the audience won't really notice the difference. So here is our new Professor Dumbledore!
Willy Wonka: (singing, to the tune of 'Imagination') Come and stitch, I'll get rich, at my school under investigation, this is 'cause there's no snitch, in this silly little situation...
Harry (rolls his eyes): No... I'm sure no one will notice the difference. Especially if this becomes a musical.
(A gnome comes dancing onto the stage, dancing across in front until it reaches the other side)
Gnome: (singing) There's no business like gnome business, like no business I know! Everything about it is appealing! Everything the author can allow!
(Gnome exits; The remaining cast stand there stunned for a second)
Harry: O-kay, that was scary beyond all reason.
Hagrid: Um yeah.
Harry: Boy, I hope some poor schmuck isn't trying to watch this in order to study the book.
Hagrid: You mean watch a dramatization instead of reading the book itself? Who does that?
(There is a pause before everyone on stage looks out directly at the audience. They hold their gaze for a moment)
Hagrid: Anyways, as I was saying...
(Humming of 'There's no Business like Show Business' can be heard. The professors step to the side to reveal Neville standing there, eyes closed, bobbing his head and humming. Suddenly he stops and opens his eyes as he realizes that everyone is staring at him)
Neville: Hi?
Hagrid: What the bloody... Narrator?
(Narrator enters)
Narrator: Yes? Hey Eric, what's up? Oh, how's the baby?
Hagrid: AHEM. Excuse me, Narrator whom-I-have-never-seen-before?
Narrator: Yes, Hagrid-whom-I-know-personally-as-Eric?
Hagrid: (gives a big phony smile) Do we really need Neville?
(Narrator looks at Neville, who nods vigorously. Then looks at Hagrid, who shakes his head vigorously. The narrator looks back and forth between the two who are both nodding or shaking their heads)
Narrator: (to audience) This is fun to just watch, isn't it?
(Hagrid and Neville stop moving their heads)
Hagrid: I'm glad you enjoyed that.
Narrator: I did, thanks for your concern. And Neville stays.
Neville: Yay! (begins to dance while turning slowly, singing repeatedly 'I get to stay')
Hagrid: But... WHY?
Narrator: (winks) You'll see...
(Narrator exits offstage; Neville is still dancing)
Hagrid: Now, here we have Professor McGonagall...
(Narrator runs on)
Narrator: TROLL... IN THE DUNGEON! ... Thought you ought to know!
Quirrel: Hey! That's my line!
Snape: Aren't you supposed to faint?
Narrator: I don't want to end up on the floor! It's cold!
Snape: I'd catch you!
(There's a beat as everyone looks at Snape, shocked)
Narrator: Assuming you weren't the one that pushed me ...
Snape: Look, I said I was sorry about not calling-
Harry (interrupting): Should I go take care of it?
(Narrator shakes head no and instead motions to Neville dancing and mocks him. Narrator stops dancing)
Hagrid: (smiles at the Narrator) Neville will take care of it.
(Neville freezes and glances over his shoulder at Hagrid. Hagrid nods. Neville stops dancing and walks with his head down to the Narrator.)
Narrator: Come on Dancing Queen. I need you to sign some release forms in case of death. We don't want to get sued you know! Hermione can come to. (to Hermione) You're not going to fight, don't worry. We just don't need you in this scene right just yet.
(Narrator, Hermione, and Neville exit)
Hagrid: Now to McGonagall...
Quirrel: She stole my line!
McGonagall: Oh for God's sake. I'm outta here! I've got better things to do than listen to you introduce me a thousand times. Come on Wonka!
Wonka (as he's getting pulled off the stage by McGonagall, singing): She's all red, we have fled, and I can't say that I really blame her...
(McGonagall and Wonka exit; Hagrid looks at Snape)
Hagrid: (speaking quickly) And this Professor Snape!
Professor Snape: (speaking in the same manner as Alan Rickman from the first film) ...yes, I am the critical and short-tempered Professor Snape. Teacher of the threading class. And—
Quirrel: (interrupting) She stole my line!
Hagrid: Oh for God's sake man, who cares?!
Quirrel: But does that mean that she's the evil villain now?
Harry: Wait, wait... you're the evil one? (motions to Snape) I thought you would be the criminal mastermind.
Snape: After a fifteen second introduction, you think I'd be the criminal mastermind behind the whole performance?
Harry: Well, they say that the villain is smarter than the hero. And more talkative.
Snape: I'm twice the size of you and three times your age. I should only hope I'm smarter than you too. And—(glances over at Quirrel, who is muttering to himself; gives him a weird look)... on second thought, you're right. I can see why you thought what you did. Ogre?
Hagrid: Yes pansy?
Snape: Could I... (motions to Quirrel)
Hagrid: (nods) Good god, by all means yes.
(Snape leads Quirrel offstage. They exit)
Harry: Now what?
Hagrid: Well, my time is just about up. But I am supposed to give you this. (turns toward the wings with his hands open. Nothing happens) AHEM!
(A bright neon green 80s style jacket is thrown, which Hagrid catches and gives to Harry)
Hagrid: This is an invisibility cloak.
Harry: (doubtful): Are you sure? It looks like something from Richard Simmons' closet.
Hagrid: Oh... no, not this one. Oi! Pansy! Other one!
(Ralph Wiggum comes on wearing a white cloak with a hood.)
Hagrid: That's the one! Give it 'ere.
Ralph: No Sauron! Your evil forces with not take over the hobbit shire!
Hagird: Give it 'ere or I'll knock ya into next month!
(Ralph runs off stage giggling, Hagrid chasing after him)
Hagrid: Come back here or I'll send you into the sequel!
(Harry stands there for a moment before Ron enters)
Harry: Hello Stranger!
Ron: Actually, according to Supertramp, it's 'Goodbye Stranger', but that's another story.
Harry: So what do we do now? What happens next?
(There's a beat as Harry and Ron look at each other and nod)
Harry and Ron: Narrator!
(Narrator enters, laughing and walking backwards, looking offstage, carrying a roll of paper)
Narrator: Dig deep Ralphie! Dig deep! Hah ha... (laughing trails off, turns to the boys) You squalled?
Harry: What do we do now?
Narrator (begins to unroll the end of the paper) I have no idea (to Ron) Hold this will you?
(Narrator gives the end of the roll to Ron to hold, and begins to walk backward, unrolling the paper, Harry standing in front)
Narrator (con't): Anyway, I don't know what you should do next. Maybe you should ask me some questions.
(The banner is now unrolled so that the audience and Harry can see. It says 'Nicholas Flannel')
Harry: Who's Nicholas Flannel?
Narrator: See? That's a good question!
Ron: I think I've heard of him. He's some guy who's got books about him in the adult section of the library.
(Harry gives Ron a strange look. Ron stares at him, then realizes what Harry thinks)
Ron: No no! No no no... no no... not like that! Only adults can read these books!
(Now the Narrator gives him a look)
Ron: No no... (sighs) I'm shutting up now.
(Hagrid comes on, the cloak draped over one hand and dragging Ralph in with the other)
Hagrid: Got him. Here's the cloak.
(Hagrid holds his hand out, and Harry takes the cloak Ralph whimpers.)
Ron: Hey! That's awesome. Now you can sneak into the adult section of the library and get the books about Nicholas Flannel!
(Hagrid and Ralph look over at Ron, and give him a weird look)
Ron: Never mind. I'm outta here.
(Hermione enters carrying a stack of books as Ron exits)
Harry: This is awesome! Now I can use my invisibility cloak and do whatever Ron just said!
Ralph: Aw... (begins to cry)
Hermione: Actually there's no need. I have all the books we need on Nicholas Flannel right here!
Harry (looks like he's about to cry): What? But... but... my cape... invisible...
Ralph: Yay!
(Ralph grabs the cape and runs offstage, with Hagrid in pursuit)
Harry: But... but...
Narrator: Wait wait... you got into the adult section of the library wearing that? (motions to Hermione's outfit) I thought the whole schoolgirl look was supposed to be innocent.
Hermione: Ever heard of Britney Spears?
Narrator: Point taken.
(Hermione nods and turns to Harry, who is sniffling)
Hermione: Anyways Harry, Nicholas Flannel created the Necromancer's Pebble. It's been lost for thousands of years, and no one knows where it is!
Narrator: It's in the basement.
Hermione: What?
Narrator: The basement. It's in the basement. (off Hermione's look) I'm the omniscient narrator. I know everything.
Harry: I suppose I have to go and get it then so it doesn't fall into the hands of evil.
Narrator: Nah, just leave it... I'm sure it'll be fine... YES YOU HAVE TO GO AND GET IT!
Harry: Fine! Basement! Got it!
(Hermione and Narrator exit; Harry walks, looking around. He makes his way to stage right as Ralph enters stage left. Harry comes towards him and tries to go around him, but Ralph blocks)
Ralph: You shall not pass!
(Harry gives a dramatic sigh; Professor Quirrel enters from stage left, Narrator from stage right)
Quirrel: You have the Necromancer's pebble, don't you? I'm insane with anger and will do anything to get it!
Harry: Yeah right!
Quirrel: Don't make me do the Macarena! (starts to dance, putting his hands out) First you...
Harry: No! Please, stop! I don't have it... Ralph's got it!
Quirrel: What? Come here you!
(Ralph screams as Quirrel chases him offstage; The Narrator comes over to Harry)
Harry (aloud, to himself, stretching): So I suppose that's it then.
(Ralph runs across the stage again screaming, as Quirrel chases him off again)
Harry: So is there actually a Necromancer's pebble?
Narrator: Psch, yeah right! (off Harry's look) Nah, it's just a metaphor.
Harry: For what?
Narrator: Who knows? (a beat) Who cares?
(Ralph and Quirrel run by again, same as before. A beat)
Harry: Hey, what happened to Neville?
(The Narrator laughs and gives Harry a smile as Ralph and Quirrel run by again. A beat.)
Narrator: Five bucks says Ralph trips on his cape and goes down.
Harry: You're on.
(Harry and the Narrator shake hands and watch Ralph run across the stage with Quirrel in pursuit. There is a slight pause before they run across again as the play ends)