4Disclaimer: I claim nothing of slam dunk to be mine…TT
A/N: My pitiful ramblings became a story…haih…angst ahead…just to warn you. Yaoi alert…pairing senru…may change may not hehehe Unbeta'ed and done during an insane mood and mind. AH…I could care less for flames. I chose to post this up for fun…read…don't read…this is mine hehhee…author's going nuts…signing off…14/11/2004 1.58 a.m
Goodbye
Layer 01: Remembrance
When you say goodbye…what does it really mean…what is goodbye? When I say goodbye…what does it really mean? What is goodbye?
I walked through the streets feeling so numb. Previously I could have imagined you walking beside me and it gave me a sense of security. Now I couldn't even see your outline. I use to think that by staring at you and by being close to you would be enough. I didn't want us to go beyond that…beyond what we had.
Yet the question is…when did I become we? And me became us? It wasn't as if we were together or anything…I just love to challenge you. That was it. Challenge you one on one. Challenge you in friendly matches. Challenge you during official games. It was all a challenge. All a competition to see who is the best… All a game.
Huh?
A game. I never thought of it like this before. But I remembered that day. The day I lost to you. Repeatedly. I was exhausted and I think you knew that I had a weak stamina. You asked me to take a break…I shook my head…but you said you needed a break…you gave in and walked to the benches...I follow suit…
I initiated it. I spoke to you. I told you all the troubles on my mind. I trusted you. I felt safe with you but yet my heart beats faster every time you're near. Then I felt scared and I said goodbye. I disappeared from your life. I knew I could not avoid you forever.
Leaving you…so many regrets came to my mind. How I could have done all that differently but I knew that we were meant to meet then part. Was I the only one feeling this way? Was I the only one falling? Now I laze on my bed staring on the ceiling wondering where you are…wondering if you thought about me as I thought about you…wondering if you wanted to know me more…
I remembered you said I was fantastic and incredible. I lived on those words. I felt you grow close to me. You understood me. But that was me feeling…I bet you never felt those things. Never felt. How could I be so sure?
I saw you with that girl two years ago. Then I saw you with another a few months ago. You cared for them. I knew you did, the intensity in your eyes. Who am I? I could never match them. They could smile willingly, they brighten up your life…but with me you're always cautious…you're always trying your best to cheer me up…and I seem to suck whatever light you possess.
I am useless. It isn't enough for me anymore. Basketball isn't enough. All- Japan isn't enough. The honour of the MVP stature is not enough. USA is not enough. All I think about when I wake is you…before I sleep is you…every moment you. You filled my life. How I wish I never met you...I was the one that first challenged you one on one. That's when I got to know you. All my conceptions of you were all wrong. I thought you were a shallow pervert and goody guy. But you prove me wrong in each of the sessions we had together. I got to know a bit about you.
How you wanted to be a doctor. How you wanted to succeed in life. How you wanted to help 3rd world countries and save the illness of the world. Your selflessness made me so ashamed of myself.
I stopped challenging you on one on ones. I stopped calling you out for coffee. You were puzzled and you called me. I knew I had to confront you.
"I lied…"I said
"I don't understand…"
"I know all your skills…I know how to defeat you. That's enough for me. I know you. I've wasted so much of your time. Forgive me. Thank you for being there for me…"
You were speechless and I walked away…
Now it is dark and the rain is falling so hard. No one can see me cry as my tears mixed with the rain as it falls. No one can feel the coldness I felt as I was soaked through and through. No one could feel me…no one know me.
I AM USELESS.
I took a look down. From this high rise building I couldn't even see the ground below. I climbed up the ledge turned around and dropped myself facing the sky. Every thing seemed to be in slow motion. My heart seemed to stop beating. The rain was pelting on my face. I knew soon it would be over…soon I will burn because killing oneself is a sin.
"Kaede…"it was the barest of whispers.
"Kaede…Kaede…Kaede…" it was one of urgency.
Weird…you never called me by my name…
I must be hearing things…Suddenly flashes came through my mind…
"Kaasan…" I whispered.
"Tousan…"
"Keisha…imouto…"
I felt so selfish. I failed before them but they do not need me anyway. I was nearly invincible. I fought with my dad so many times mainly because he thinks basketball is such a waste of time. I often made mom cry when I never answer her and bang the doors. My sister wished I was never alive I guess…She often blamed me for being pushed in her studies and not being able to indulge in sports.
I remembered what my dad said recently…
"Kaede…you're really a heart attack!" he bellowed.
"Ah, souka…then it is better that I disappeared neh otousan…" I retaliated as calmly as I could and went up to my room slamming the door.
"Rukawa kun…"it was a wise one…this voice so familiar…
"Be the best Rukawa-kun…why are you running away?"
Anzai sensei…he trusted me…he was the one that saw me as who I am…
"Rukawa Kaede…it is time to wake up…open your eyes my child…"
"Open your eyes…" the voice so soothing so serene…
The scenery shifted…I saw bandages on my wrists…this was a never ending fall I stretched out my hands to the light shinning on me…
I squinted my eyes to see who was beyond the light but I heard an angel sing...giving me the strengh to see the light...blinding light...
It was all white. I saw the bandages on my wrists soaked with blood.
"Why Kaede? Why did you slit your wrists?" my mom was sobbing.
"He's awake…" Keisha squealed.
I saw the pained look on my father's frowning face turn to relief. My mother's sobs became louder as she thanked the Lord. Only God know why Keisha was hugging me so tightly. I saw Anzai sensei "ho ho ho" ing to himself.
The door burst open and my team mates were smiling at me. The ex-captain, Mitsui sempai, Kogure sempai, Ayako, Miyagi sempai, Do'aho and the rest…yet the first word I utter was his name…
"Sendoh Akira…"
to be continued…
yah…this insane author has more up her sleeve…ja neh!