Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used in this fic. In short, I don't own Inuyasha. Heck, I don't even own Kouga.
So: here is the Varethane's strange idea of a humour fic. The idea, when it first struck me, just happened to strike me as amusing; though, when I wrote it, there ended up being an awful lot of character work in here. I also tried to work in a bit of romance, though (I hope) it's not really the main genre of the fic.
Miroku sighed as he sat down outside the hut. It had been a long and very unnerving day. To begin with he'd started it off with yet another slap by Sango, and a little bit of pain early in the morning was not the best way to begin a new day... but that was at least relatively normal.
Shortly after they'd set out from the small village (not Kaede's village, but one they'd come across during their search for the Shikon no kakera) an ominous presence had made itself known. And after rather a lot of distressing earthquakes and moving of things that really should not have been moving, it source of the trouble revealed itself as a rather large centipede youkai. Generally the things were easy enough to deal with, taking little more than a small whack to dispatch them. But not so in this case. The fight had been long, and very, very annoying. And in the end, they had managed to kill it, but not after Miroku had nearly had his arm broken and Inuyasha had been quite badly hurt. Thanks to youkai powers of healing, the silver-haired hanyou was just about recovered, but he was asleep at the moment within the hut.
The monk sighed again, cradling his throbbing arm. In the end, they'd wound up right where they'd started: back in the village. And the quest for the kakera would have to wait a day or so until they were ready to move on again.
"And all because of one centipede youkai," he muttered to himself. He glanced back into the hut, where Kagome, Sango and Shippou were watching Inuyasha while he slept. Or, at least, Kagome was watching him. Shippou and Sango had gotten bored and were playing jan-ken-pon in the corner, near the also-sleeping Kirara.
"Jan-ken-PON!" said Shippou, thrusting out two fingers as Sango revealed her outspread fingers. "Hah! I win!"
"That's not fair!" she told him, annoyed. "You can't wait until I've gone before you reveal your choice." She snorted. "I don't know why I let you talk me into playing this."
"Because you wanted something to keep you occupied so that you wouldn't get into Miroku's range," said Shippou, at which the monk sitting outside sighed loudly.
Sango sighed. "Ah, well, I'm bored anyway." She glanced over at Inuyasha, still asleep beneath Kagome's watchful eye. "When is he going to wake up?"
"Soon," said Miroku, turning to look into the hut. "He's fine really." He squinted into the hut. "I have a sneaking suspicion that he is remaining asleep on purpose to keep Kagome by his side."
Kagome stared at him.
"Baka!" hissed Sango. "He'll wake up when he's ready, houshi-sama."
"Well, I wish it were sooner rather than later," said Miroku. "It is getting rather dull here, and there is a perfectly fine village nearby. If it weren't for Inuyasha, we could be in that village right now… seeing the sights… the local women…"
"No," said Sango. "If Inuyasha were awake we'd be going off to look for the Shikon no kakera, you know that as well as I do."
"No we wouldn't," said Miroku. "It's too late, now. We would go to the village." He looked extraordinarily pleased at the prospect.
"Well, it doesn't matter because Inuyasha isn't awake, houshi-sama," said Sango.
Miroku looked at her and sighed, for the fourth time in less than ten minutes. "Oh, how I long for the day when you can call me by name…"
"Well, that's exactly what you are, houshi-sama," said Sango. "What else need I call you?"
Instantly Miroku was in front of her, holding both her hands in one of his. He couldn't have moved faster had he been in possession of Inuyasha's youkai powers. "Well," he began, "for a start…"
Sango yelped as she felt his free hand on a part of her body that was decidedly off-limits. "Hentai!" she shrieked, and Shippou dodged out of the way as Hiraikotsu was brought to bear. Quickly Miroku had stretched his length upon the floor, and Shippou, who was behind Kagome, shook his head in despair. Sango replaced Hiraikotsu in its place against the wall.
"I don't think he'll ever learn," said the small kitsune.
"Honestly," said Kagome, as Miroku sat up with a groan. "Sometimes I wish that the osuwari command worked on him too…"
A strangled groan from behind her made her gasp. "Oh no! I'm sorry Inuyasha! I wasn't thinking!" The hanyou had been flipped onto his stomach and pressed into the ground as if by a giant hand. As Kagome started to turn him over, Miroku seized his chance.
"Come on, Sango, Kagome-sama," he said, standing. "Before we cause any more harm to Inuyasha, let's get out of this hut." He grinned, mostly at his own cleverness. "We're going to the village."
"I can't leave him alone," said Kagome, gasping. "Not while he's like this!"
Miroku made a dismissive gesture. "Do you see any wounds on him, Kagome-sama? He's just sleeping it off. He'll be fine."
Sango, who despite her annoyance was more than happy to go into the village, noticed the expression on Kagome's face. "Don't worry, Kagome. Here, if you're worried, I'll stay and watch him for you."
Kagome began to nod, relieved and startled at the same time that Sango would make an offer like that, but Miroku caught Sango's arm quickly. "No, you have to come too," he said, his other arm quickly snaking round her waist to pull her closer. "You need to get out of this hut just as much as Kagome-sama does."
Sango gasped as his hand began to slide lower along her body, and the resounding noise of a slap rang through the hut. She slipped away from him, glaring, to stand near the door. "Sorry, Kagome, but I think I'll go after all," she said, panting. "The village girls need my protection more than Inuyasha does at the moment!" Her eyes fell upon the small form of the kitsune, sitting beside the also-sleeping Kirara. "Here, Shippou can stay with Inuyasha."
"What?" Shippou protested as the three began to move towards the door. "Hey! That's not fair! I want to go too!" he ran up onto Kagome's shoulder, but the girl gently reached up and took him off.
"Sorry, Shippou," she said as he began to cry. "I'll buy you lots of treats next time I go to my world, though!"
His tears stopped instantly, Kagome noticed with amusement. Just like a little faucet, she thought.
"Will you bring me pocky?" he asked hopefully.
She nodded as Sango and Miroku went out the door. "Lots of pocky."
"I promise," said Kagome, and left the hut.
Shippou stood staring at the door for long minutes after she'd left, the elation of treats to come fading away as he realized what he'd let himself be talked into. "Darn it," he said at last, sticking tiny hands into his pockets. "I really wanted to go…"
"Go where?" said a somewhat slurred voice from the corner.
"The village, baka, weren't you…" Suddenly Shippou gasped, and ran over to where Inuyasha lay on his back near the corner. "Inuyasha! Are you awake?"
"What's it look like, runt," growled Inuyasha, struggling to sit up in the straw he'd been lying in. He looked around the darkening hut in confusion. "Oi, where'd Kagome go?"
"She left with the others," said Shippou sullenly, glaring at a stray piece of straw that had landed on the ground. "They went to the village... probably there by now too."
"Why'd they go there?" said Inuyasha, beginning to get annoyed as well. "Shouldn't they have stayed here?"
"Well they ought to have, but they just left anyways! And they left me here with no company except for you," Shippou added sulkily. A moment later he looked up to see a clawed fist descending towards him. "Ahh! I didn't mean it!" he screeched shrilly.
One minute and several lumps later, Shippou flopped on his stomach onto the ground beside Inuyasha. The hanyou stood up slowly, testing his legs after the long period of inactivity. "Well, they've been gone long enough," he growled in a low voice. "I'm going to get them for this…"
Shippou lifted his head as a very interesting thought struck him. "Hey, Inuyasha," he began, "do you want revenge?"
Inuyasha stopped, turning to look inquisitively at Shippou. "Revenge?"
Shippou nodded quickly. "Yeah! We could get back at Kagome and the others for leaving!"
Inuyasha contemplated for a moment, staring intently at Shippou all the while. Finally he lowered himself to the ground, sitting crosslegged in front of Shippou with his hands pressed against the ground. "All right," he said. "So what do you wanna do?"
Kirara twitched slightly in her corner, but didn't awaken.
All right… I was originally going to make this a one-shot, but I have the vague feeling that it'll be too long. It probably won't be all that long anyways, but meh… I don't know this site well enough yet. This is my first fanfic, so reviews would be appreciated…
Also, I don't have a beta, so the pointing out of mechanical errors would be good too. I think I took care of them all, but Varethane is as human as the next ningen, and so there may still be a few lurking around.
:0: Oh, nearly forgot: ningen means human, hanyou is half youkai (youkai meaning demon), kitsune is fox spirit (well, Shippou), hentai is pervert/lech, shakujou is Miroku's staff, and Shikon no kakera means shards of the Shikon jewel (Shikon referring to the jewel, and kakera being the shards). I think that's about all of them...