Disclaimers 'n' Crap: This fic is basically a re-cast of the Spongebob episode "Big Pink Loser". I do not own Anakin, Obi-Wan, "American Pie", "Everything You Know Is Wrong" or Taillow. Lafayette is a historical figure but I took him from Liberty's Kids and Gabe is a real person so I don't own them either. Nightshot is my character but he's a Pokémon (an Umbreon for all you anime geeks) so I only partly own him. The Skywalker Saber is MY idea and the city of Fruitville is a fictional location (in upstate New York) and is entirely my creation. MINE. So is E-Max, Astis and the Guardians. Enjoy the fic.
It was a lazy Sunday morning in Fruitville. The Marquis de Lafayette (or, Gilbert, as some called him) had gotten up early that morning just so he could go back to sleep outside. He was a Frenchman of about 23, tall, with a blue colonial general's uniform and grayish-blonde hair in a ponytail and was relatively good-looking. He was snoring softly when something was stuffed into his mouth. He woke with a start, his first impression being that he was being gagged, but after looking around, he realized that it was package that had been stuffed into his mouth by the mailman who was walking away down the street. Lafayette took the package out of his mouth and opened it. His jaw dropped.
"An award?" he said, gazing at the shiny trophy "I've nevair gotten an award before!" He held it up to show to his house. "Look, house! I've got an award!"
"…." Lafayette ran out to the Taillow field to show them the trophy.
"Taillow! I've got an award!"
Then, he went up to the E-Maxen moon.
"Astis! I've got an awa…ack…cough…" Lafayette should have known that there's no oxygen in space. He went back to Fruitville. I've got to show Anakin! he thought. At that moment, Anakin was standing on a ladder, finishing a giant card-model of his little brother, Nightshot, a small, black dog-like creature with a scar shaped like a check-mark across his left eye.
"Almost done, Nightshot," said Anakin.
"Good," said Nightshot "My arms are getting tired."
Bang! Lafayette burst in the door and the cards collapsed, causing Anakin to fall to the floor and Nightshot to run away to the next room.
"Look, Anakin!" said Lafayette "I've got an award!"
"That's great, Marquis," Anakin bluntly stated into the floor "What did you win it for?"
"See for yourself," said Lafayette. Anakin got up and looked at the small plaque at the bottom of the trophy that read:
For Outstanding Achievement In Achievement
"Anakin Skywalker?" said Lafayette, laughing "Zat's an unusual way to spell my name." Anakin looked at him in an I-hate-to-break-it-to-you sort of way.
"Uh, Gil, I think the award is for me," he said "You must've gotten it by mistake." He took the trophy from Lafayette. Like Lafayette, Anakin was a tall, handsome young man in his early 20's, only Anakin was dressed in a brown Jedi tunic and his dark blonde hair was closely cropped, with the exception of his Padawan braid behind his right ear and a small ponytail in the back.
"But," said Lafayette "Eet's shiny."
"Yeah," said Anakin "But, you know what else is shiny?"
"Ice cream!" screamed Lafayette, running over to the door "I can find eet! Eez eet in here?" He grabbed the doorknob.
"Wait!" yelled Anakin "That's my…"
Lafayette looked sadly around at all of the shining trophies and blue ribbons and burst into tears.
"I want an award too!" he sobbed. Anakin surfaced from the sea of awards.
"Gilbert, don't cry," said Anakin, soothingly. The remark would have gone deeper if it hadn't been for the fact that Anakin had emerged from the pile with a trophy on his head and two blue ribbons covering his eyes. He took them off and went to comfort Lafayette. "Don't worry," he said "You'll get an award one day."
"Non," said Lafayette, sniffling "I'll nevair get an award because I've nevair done anyzing!"
"But you're The Marquis de Lafayette!" said Anakin "You can do anything you want! Well, as long as you're not killing anyone."
"Oui, but zat's easy for you to say," said Lafayette "You're Anakin Skywalker! You become a Dark Jedi and take over zee galaxy!"
"Don't…remind me," said Anakin, glaring "Anyway, about your award. If you wanna get one, you gotta do something." Lafayette thought for a moment. Then he snapped his fingers.
"I know!" he said, triumphantly "I'm going to defeat zee giant worm man and save zee 9th dimension!"
"That's great!" said Anakin "But even for a Guardian, that sounds a little difficult. Think of something smaller."
"I want to defeat zee petite worm man and save zee 8th dimension!" said Lafayette.
"Think smaller," said Anakin.
"The smallest you can think of!"
"A job at zee Krusty Kenobi?"
"Yeah!" said Anakin "I do stuff at work all the time!"
Anakin made arrangements that evening and by the next morning, he and the newest Krusty Kenobi employee were standing outside the double doors, ready to start their working day.
"Eet was certainly nice of Obi-Wan to give me a job here," said Lafayette.
"And at $50 an hour, too," said Anakin "When I started working here, I had to pay Master Kenobi $100 an hour!" Just then, Gabriel, Anakin and Lafayette's kid neighbor, came out the doors. "Hey, Gabe!" said Anakin "Guess who just got a job!"
"Guess who just quit!" said Gabe, giving Lafayette his employee badge and walking away. Lafayette grinned and turned to Anakin.
"Do I get my award now?" he said.
"Nooooo," said Anakin "You've gotta do something first." During the breakfast shift, Anakin decided to put Lafayette on delivery duty. Anakin took out a tray with food and handed it to Lafayette. Lafayette ate everything on it.
"Do I get my award now?" he asked, eagerly.
"No," said Anakin "You need to take the tray to the table." He handed Lafayette another tray of food and this time, the tray did get to the table…with the food in Lafayette's mouth…again.
"Like zat?" he asked.
"Nooooo," said Anakin and he handed Lafayette a third tray of food. "This time," he said "Make sure the food gets to the table." Lafayette took the tray (and the food) to the table…and ate it.
"Like zat?" said Lafayette.
"No," said Anakin.
"Dammit!" yelled Lafayette, accidentally spitting the food into the customer's face. During the lunch shift, Anakin had another job for Lafayette.
"Just answer the phone," said Anakin. This seemed simple enough to the Marquis.
"Is this the Krusty Kenobi?" said the customer.
"Non, zis eez Lafayette," said Lafayette. He hung up.
"Is this the Krusty Kenobi?"
"Non, zis eez Lafayette."
"Is this the Krusty Kenobi?"
"NON! ZIS EEZ LAFAYETTE!" He slammed down the phone. "I am not a Krusty Kenobi," he said.
"Uh, Lafayette," said Anakin "That's the name of the restaurant." Lafayette did a double take and cursed very loudly. Early into the dinner shift, Anakin thought he'd give Lafayette a little cleaning job to take his mind off his previous failures. He handed Lafayette a broom. "It looks a little dusty over by Table 3," he said. Lafayette took the broom, looking particularly gloomy. This was saying something as Lafayette had demonstrated in the past that he was capable of making a good situation out of anything, even an unsatisfactory lunch.
"What's zee point?" he said "I can't do anything right." He walked over to Table 3.
Lafayette was holding the broom upside-down. A customer walked up to him and said "Hey, you just blow in from Stupidville?"
Anakin gave a nervous grin and tried to encourage Lafayette. He was about to say "You're doing great, Lafayette!" when a deliveryman walked in and called "I've got a load of awards for Anakin Skywalker!" At this, Anakin sensed a sudden spurt of rage surge through Lafayette. He began whacking the floor with the broom so vigorously that the Krusty Kenobi was soon engulfed by a large cloud of dust. Coughing hard, Anakin tried to find Lafayette. He did after Lafayette screamed "Why can't I do anyzing right?" Anakin took Lafayette by the arm and dragged him into the kitchen.
"Eet's no use, mon ami," said Lafayette "I can't do anyzing right."
"Come on, Lafayette," said Anakin "We're gonna do something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar!" He took one out of a drawer and opened it. "First, get a jar." Lafayette took out a spoon.
"Uh, Lafayette," said Anakin "That's a spoon."
"Oui," said Lafayette.
"You need a jar," said Anakin.
Lafayette took out an iron skillet.
"No," said Anakin "Try this." He handed Lafayette a jar. "Now, take off the lid." Lafayette stuffed the jar down the front of his shirt. "Just relax," said Anakin "Now, take your hand…" Lafayette put up his hand. "Good. You're almost there. Now, take your hand…and put it on the lid." Lafayette put it on the side of the jar. "No," said Anakin "The lid."
"The..lid. The lid, the lid, the lid, the lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, lid, FREEZE!" Lafayette's hand froze about an inch below the lid.
"Okay," said Anakin "You're almost there. Now, head for the lid. Cold, warmer, warmer, burning hot, YOU'RE ON FIRE!"
"AAAAAA!" screamed Lafayette "EET BURNS!"
"Okay," said Anakin "Now, do exactly as I do." He took off the lid. "Exactly as I do. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly."
"Exactly as you do," said Lafayette and he opened the jar. He stared at it for a moment before crying "Oh no! I broke eet!"
"No, no, Marquis!" said Anakin "You did it!"
"I did?" The duo began cheering and throwing confetti everywhere. By the time they were done celebrating, it was time to go home.
"Remember when I took my hand and I put eet on zee lid?"
"And zen, I took zee lid off and I thought I broke eet?"
"But I didn't!" said Lafayette "I opened zee jar and eet's all sanks to you!" Anakin smiled.
"If you just keep doing as I do," he said "you'll have an award in no time!"
Well, there's part 1. Hope ya liked! If you've seen "Big Pink Loser", you know what's going to happen the next day…hilarity (and some blood) will ensue.