AN: I almost forgot this existed. So I suppose this was my first fic. I can't say I like this one quite as much as In the Arms of My Enemy, my ongoing fic project, but I don't hate it. The style isn't as good in my opinion, but I like the story, though it's not as well done either. So this is a songfic in Hiei's POV to the song Always by Saliva. It has a sequel/companion piece too. Oh, and in the story if Hiei says 'Kurama' that means Shuichi Kurama.

Disclaimer: This isn't mine. The story is, but the song and characters belong to others.

Warnings: Shonen-ai of the Hiei/Kurama variety, possible suicide, and Youko is a selfish bastard. I love him, I really do, but he is mean in this fic. I'm not bashing him, he's just mean. If you like Youko to have a nicer personality, you should read my fic ItAoME, which is Youko-centric. At the time I wrote this I didn't know much about the characters, so I may have gotten some things wrong, or there may be some OOCness.

And now…

Always
Song by Saliva

I hear a voice say, "Don't be so blind".

It's telling me all these things,

That you would probably hide.

I hear it, this internal voice. There are names for it, like a conscience, or 'the voice of reason'. It tells me that this is wrong, that I'm using you, and that you're using me. I fight with this voice on a regular basis. It tells me things I don't want to believe. Like how Youko is taking over your body, and that while you may love me, he does not.

Am I... your one and only desire,

Am I the reason you breathe,

Or am I the reason you cry?

You say that you love me, that you'd die without me. But I don't believe you. My doubts about us started that time when I walked into your room and you were crying. I went to your side, but you turned Youko, and said it was my fault, that I was hurting Shuichi. You said that the fact that I had been a heartless killer made me a heartless lover too. When you changed back you apologized and said that I could never hurt you. But I think you were lying. Now I think that maybe he was right, I do hurt you.

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...

I just can't live without you.

I hate this. But I'm obsessed with you, I literally feel like I'm going to die whenever you get angry with me. Usually I would kill or ignore whoever upset me, if they even succeeded, but with you, I can't do anything. I am the one who would die without you.

I love you,

I hate you,

I can't live without you.

I breathe you,

I taste you,

I can't live without you.

That's a pain I'm not used to feeling. I'm a killer, and that makes it impossible for your human form to care for me. Youko wouldn't and doesn't care about that. He's just not interested in staying with one lover. Kurama, I love you, that has to be it, but I hate you Youko. You try to hurt me, and you make it my fault.

I just can't take anymore,

This life of solitude.

Now that I've stayed here with you, loved you, I don't think I can go back to my old lifestyle again. I hate admitting it, but I need others now. If only a little bit. Even if it's only you and my sister that I need. But in some ways, I'm more alone here with you than I was by myself.

I guess that I'm out the door,

And now I'm done with you.

I can't stay here; I've already decided that. I'm going to leave. I won't tell you, though I really want to. Either Kurama will beg me to stay, and I won't be able to refuse, which sets me up for more emotional abuse by Youko, or you won't try to stop me, which would be in some ways worse.

I feel... like you don't want me around,

I guess I'll pack all my things,

I guess I'll see you around.

Now you walk in, see me grabbing the few things here that belong to me. I guess I don't have a choice. "I'm leaving", I say. Youko comes out and yells at me. I only half-listen to what he's saying. He's calling me a user, a heartless monster. I don't care; he isn't the you that I love. But I can't even love that you now.

It's all been bottled up until now,

As I walk out your door,

All I hear is the sound...

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...

I yell back, "You are the user. You pathetic fool," and I don't stop there. I say everything I've ever felt like saying to you and about you. Except I don't tell you that I don't mean it. This will keep you from following me, because now I'm actually leaving. Though that isn't all I'll do. But I hear Youko say behind me, "Hiei, you'll always come back. You're mine. You will be mine always."

I just can't live without you.

I love you,

I hate you,

I can't live without you.

I breathe you,

I taste you,

I can't live without you.

I just can't take anymore,

This life of solitude.

I seek refuge in an abandoned warehouse. I know that you're right, Youko. I will never be able to stay away now. Yukina was always like half of everything to me, even when I couldn't find her. The other half was me. That's not true anymore, because I don't care about me anymore. Kurama, you are the other half of everything to me.

I guess that I'm out the door,

And now I'm done with you.

I love you,

I hate you,

I can't live without you.

Maybe I can't stay away from you, but I will get around that.

I left my head around your heart,

Why would you tear my world apart?

Always... always... always... always...

I loved you, more than I loved anything, ever. I thought you loved me too, but Youko came and proved that half of you may love me, but the other half doesn't, and the half that does care shouldn't. I claim to be fearless, but in reality there is something I fear. Betrayal. Your other half has betrayed me.

I see... the blood all over your hands,

Does it make you feel... more like a man?

There is blood on your hands Youko. My blood. Maybe not literally, but it's there all the same. Kurama, I am sorry. For what I am about to do, should you ever find out. A long time ago, you came home from school and you were upset. I asked you why and you said it was because one of your classmates had committed suicide. I was familiar with the concept; you feel that you are better dead than alive, so you kill yourself. I never thought I would be so desperate.

Was it all... just a part of your plan?

The pistol's shakin' in my hands,

And all I hear is the sound...

Maybe this is what Youko wants me to do, but I don't care. It is hard for a demon to kill himself; his physical strength is too much, and the cuts of a sword or knife heal before he will bleed to death. However, the gun was easy enough to get; I just had to run into the store, break the glass case, and take it. The humans probably only felt a breeze as I ran by, and I doubt they ever figured out what broke the display case. I figure the bullet from a gun should kill a small fire demon if he fires it at his head. I may be a fast healer, but I'm not that fast. Nor will I ever be. I hold the barrel of the gun to my temple, but I lose my nerve, and the shaking gun falls and skitters across the cement floor as I fall to my knees.

I love you,

I hate you,

I can't live without you.

I breathe you,

I taste you,

I can't live without you.

I just can't take anymore,

This life of solitude.

I guess that I'm out the door,

And now I'm done with you.

'Do I want to do this?' I think. 'No, but I will. Funny, I always thought I would die when an enemy demon attacked me. I guess that part's still true, in a roundabout way. This is the only way to end this though. Kurama, I am sorry.'

I love you,

I hate you,

I can't live without you.

I love you,

I hate you,

I can't live without you.

I just can't take anymore,

This life of solitude.

My mind is made up. I walk to the shadows where the gun went.

I pick myself off the floor,

And now I'm done with you.

Always...

Always...

Always...

I will end this.

I reach for the gun, but you're there, and you've already picked it up. Kurama, I've made you cry again, your eyes show that I'm hurting you. Through your tears, you hold the weapon out to me.

End

AN: Well, the ending is left for you to interpret. Hiei could take the gun and kill himself, or maybe Kurama saves him. Maybe Youko takes over and kills him. Maybe something totally different. There is a companion/sequel to this. It covers the same time period, but is Kurama's POV. I would muchly appreciate it if you would review this.