Yes, here it is, the final chapter of Coliseum of Secrets, a long time coming because of the start of school. I hope you like it!
Thanks to: Sabine Strohem-Moss, Gemma (Thanks! And I love that Making Friendship Bracelets for the Deatheaters story, it's so funny!) Mz Hellfire, starcadet (oooh, a new reviewer! Hope you'll keep it up), TheAnonymousOneWhoReviewsOften (yeah not being able to get answers and acknowledgement for your reviews takes all the fun out of reviewing—why else would we do it?) Black Triforce (last chappie, 'twas random indeed!) me gusta books (it's fine if you don't really say anything important in the review, mine are usually along the lines of "good, continue", haha) Jenny aka Weirdlyyours (thanks Jennya! And no, Harry didn't have to fight the Sorting Troll in the first parody because Rabid ate him—the troll, not Harry. He was sorted by eenie meenie miney moe. They had to purchase a new troll next year.), MudbloodsRule, kalira (I didn't know you had an account here! Haha) Evil Scientist (to make you laugh out loud is my sole mission here : )
Thanks to Jamie550 for reviewing the Sorcerer's Stoned.
May I add this is the first chapter twelve I've ever written in my life! Sorcerer's Stoned was only eleven!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing, I says! And now, for the last time in a while, enjoy…
Chapter Twelve: Good Publicity
Harry sat in the dusty Coliseum of Secrets, with a headless Dark Lord laying dead at his feet, a headless Ginny playing thumb wars with herself somewhere close by, a dead Tweety bird and a dying Sorting Troll. "Soooo…" Harry looked around. "How the hell do I get out of here?" He waited around for an unknown crossover entity to save him, but no one came. "Yugi? Digidestined? Anyone?" Harry called out meekly.
And then quite suddenly a great flood of people poured into the arena of the coliseum. At the head of them was none other than Nancy, riding a giant flying turtle. He was holding a large net containing two figures, one short and stout and the other tall and thin.
"Hello, Harry!" Nancy cried jovially. "As you can see, we are all enjoying a school-wide monster hunt!" He swept his hand at the crowd behind him, including an extremely angry-looking Snape, who threw a knife at Harry's head. "Yes, we are all having a dandy time! Bibick!" Nancy said again as Harry pulled the knife out of his forehead gingerly.
"Er, but the Sorting Troll already killed the monster of Slytherin. So…who are your monsters?" Harry asked, jerking his thumb at the net.
" 'Oh, Gimli, let's go through that portal to a different world, it is ever so shiny', you said! Damn elf!" a rough voice cried from the sack.
"All you do is criticize me! I can't be bloody perfect!" came the sobbing reply.
"Oh, don't go blubbering now, dunderhead! Can't you see we're in a potentially dangerous crossover written by a confirmed-to-be-dangerous author!" The only reply was sniffling.
"Let us all go back up to the school for tea and crumpets!" Nancy suggested.
McGonagall gasped in amazement. "Dumble—Nancy, you're mad! This is no time for tea! It's half past teatime, you loon!" Dumb—Nancy stared at his turtle's shell in shame.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to get out of here," Harry suggested.
And so they did, leaving Slytherin, the coliseum, the laptop, and the dead troll behind, not bothering to clean it all up in case another crazed author tries to screw with Harry Potter, Book the Second.
A week later, order had been restored (to a degree), the Petrified students, much to Harry's chagrin, had been brought back to normal, and Harry was waiting to be glorified.
"Oh, wow," Hermione said as Harry, Ron, and she were sitting on dead elves in the common roomafter she'd been treated. Ron was doing his nails, standing on his hands, and playing the harmonica while playing Harry in chess—yes, he was THAT good—while Hermione was busy ingesting people through her hair.
"So, Slytherin was killed by the Sorting Troll?" she continued eagerly.
"Well, yes, but Riddle—" Harry hastily said.
"—Destroyed himself with no help from any outside forces!" Hermione finished happily for him.
"No, you're forgetting—"
"Oh, silly me—of course—" Hermione exclaimed, as Harry puffed with pride, ready to enjoy fame. "It wouldn't have happened without Ginny's help, crashing into him and all!"
"But—but—AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" And Harry took a leaf out of Ginny's book, and exploded.
And so, things continued splendidly, except for poor Harry who didn't get the glory he believed he deserved, until one Mr. Lucius Malfoy decided to pay the school a little visit.
On that day, Harry had been summoned to Nancy's office for the routine end-of-year pep talk. Nancy had donned a cheerleader outfit and shook his pompoms around as Harry entered. "Gimme a N!"
"N," Harry said.
"Gimme a Ancy!"
"What does that speeeeeelllll?"
"Enancy!" Harry cried enthusiastically.
"Yes—wait, no—ahh, nevermind, Harry." Nancy adjusted his golden pilot goggles. "Now, as I am sure you know, you have broken many school rules and Petrified quite a few people. However…" Harry waited for recognition of his deeds… "…However, as our monster hunt went so splendidly well, I have decided to let you go with no consequences—except, of course, five hundred thousand points for Gryffindor!"
And Nancy turned his head in rapture to the wall behind him, which was now decorated with two mounted heads, the bearded dwarf's head glaring angrily at the blond girlish elf's head beside him. Harry swore he could hear him mutter, "Damn elf".
"Ahh, monster hunting…one of my favorite pastimes. Bippity boppity boo," said Nancy fondly, stroking a large axe with a twinkle in his eye. Harry nervously edged out of the office and into the Great Hall, where it was currently raining down katanas at the hapless students. And that's when it happened.
It being a pale man with long blond hair sleeked back wearing a bright purple pimp coat and carrying a shiny pimp cane. He burst into the hall to the serenade of funk music with a hint of disco, flipping back his long mane of hair and beating women off him with his cane.
"Hello, father," Draco Malfoy said a bit apprehensively.
"Don't gimme none of that sass boy," the man said. "Where my hoes at?" he asked. Draco nervously pointed to a sickly looking group of Slytherin girls huddled in a corner.
Harry took the time to observe this man as he demanded his money from his prostitutes. He didn't seem like a nice man at all, something that was heavily emphasized when he sashayed up to Harry, peering at him over his shiny sunglasses. "You be Harry Potter?" he asked.
"Er, yes, that's me!" Harry said, glad someone knew his name.
"Don't I know youse from somewhere?"
"Well, now that you mention it—"
"I can't believe anyone would ever attend a Weasley New Year's party," the man said disdainfully.
"AAAAAARRRGH! That wasn't me! And I'll have you know that I am the sole reason for the downfall of Mortevold—er, Voldemort!" Harry shrieked indignantly.
The man's eyes widened. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT! I know you didn't! You do not be trippin', killin' my Dark Lord, bitch!" Harry gulped, but luckily Nancy came to his rescue.
"Ahh, Lucius Malfoy!" Nancy said. Still holding his large axe. "How do you do? Fiklip!" Now it was Lucius' turn to gulp. "I was just on mah way out, headmasta'." He sullenly collected the money from his Slytherin hoes, gave Draco—who looked rather embarrassed—a slap on the ass, and left. And that's when Harry noticed who was trailing behind him, leaving a nasty trail of goo. "Blobby!" Harry cried.
The house-elf whipped around. "Shit..." he muttered. Harry reassured him, "Don't worry, Blobby, as a turn of events I have decided I like you and I guess I owe you for, you know, helping me find the Coliseum of Secrets…"
"Really?" Blobby rasped hopefully, letting Harry come closer.
"No, bitch, die," Harry said, and quickly grabbed Rabid's pink machete, for Rabid, returned from wizard prison, had conveniently chosen that moment to walk through the entrance, and beheaded Blobby. Rabid picked him up and cried, "Rrrrr fried blob for shrrrreekkkk dinner tonight!". Nancy lovingly said, "Welcome back, Rabid" and lodged the axe in Rabid's shoulder.
"Great man, Nancy," Rabid said with tears in his eyes, from joy or pain, Harry did not know.
And so came the end of Harry's second year at Hogwarts. There were tears, laughter, axes, and much more. Once again Harry found himself, to his immense relief, on the train back home.
"Oh, Harry, will you be alright with the Dursleys?" Hermione gushed, giving Harry a goodbye hug at the station and subsequently tearing one of his ears off.
"Probably. For people who eat nothing but human brains they are sadly lacking between the ears," Harry answered. The trio said their goodbye and soon Harry was driven back to his house by his uncle-zombie, who managed to kill only a few people on the road. There were cops parked all over the front lawn of Number Four, Privet Drive.
"Come out with your hands up!" blared a voice through a megaphone.
Harry grinned. Any publicity was good publicity, right?
Well, I hope I managed to give you all a few good laughs. I'm proud I finished because now that school has begun and I have a load of hard classes, I won't have time to write. So I managed it just in time. What did you think? Good? Bad? Funny? Completely tacky and a waste of your time? If I do write the next parody, I'd probly have to wait till next summer to begin—hehe, I think that's what I said about writing this one and look how that went! I hope you guys had a good time reading this, thanks to everyone for reviewing. Now just do it for one last chapter and it'll make my day.
I can't believe I finished.