Disclaimer - Woe is me, I am not the brilliant mind from whence emerged the Harry Potter universe. I am merely a simple fanfic writer whose butler recently returned with her muse, and has decided to use this to her advantage. Please note, the author is far too lazy to continue writing disclaimers, so this goes for all the chapters.

Author's Note – Enjoy the products of my - I mean, Voldemort's - insanity. Please review, because if not, Voldemort might become bored and resort to the torture of some cute, fluffy animals. Think of the poor little animals.



I hate life. If that's what you'd call it, that is. It's a bit hard to call it that when you have no body.

Oh yes, secretly I'm a funny guy. On the outside I may look like an evil overlord trying to take over the wizarding world, but trust me, the inside holds so much more. Allow me to elaborate...

I've been hiding in this stupid turbin all year, and it smells. Bad. Yesterday Quirell took me into the forest to drink unicorn blood, which can sustain my caffeine levels but not give me a body of my own. Quirell is such an idiot. I'll be disposing of him as soon as I get that magical stone that gives you all the coffee you could ever dream of. Understanding me so far? Okay, I better explain my life a bit more.

My name is Lord Voldemort. I was once called Tom Marvolo Riddle. My pathetic mother dared to besmirch my identity with the last name of my stupid muggle father, who left when I was a baby, the stupid deadbeat. I am also known as He-who-must-not-be-named, You-know-Who, Master, The Dark Lord, He-who-must-not-be-given-coffee-or-he-will-rise-again, He-with-a-massive-caffeine addiction and so on. Those may be some of my many names but no-one really knows the real me. I may be evil, but deep down I'm… well, still evil, but not as evil as you think.

I never wanted to try to kill the kid. Take that back, actually, I torture and maim people regardless of their ages. Everyone seems to think I discriminate by age brackets, but I assure you I hate all impure blooded people... but that being said, my preferred targets are those old enough to understand their situation, so I can relish in the look of terror in their eyes before they go blank. He was just a baby when he became an obstacle in my path. However somehow his filthy mudblood mother's sacrifice allowed him to survive.

But look where it got him. He's here in the chamber of the Mirror of Erised, about to see my rise to greatness and endless supplies of coffee.

And now the Quirell idiot is asking me questions. "Yes master, I know! But the mirror isn't working properly. Yes, I know you need it." he replied, seemingly conversing with himself. "Are you sure it can cure your caffeine addiction? The Unicorn blood didn't work, and look what it ended up doing."

Thank goodness the idiot finally noticed Potter, who has been standing here looking shocked for all of about ten minutes. Okay, maybe two; I'm prone to exaggeration. "That is So Fetch!" Quirell said. Oh. God. He is so stupid! Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact I have no body I would ditch him in a second.

Anyway, I don't think killing Harry would be that bad. In fact it's the humane option, when you think about it. His relatives are already doing a pretty good job of crushing his spirit. Oh yes, the Dursleys seemed to be normal people; they went to work, spied on the neighbours like normal people. But unbwknownst to the rest of the imbecilic muggles, part of their daily life was torturing their ugly nephew Harry, who just happens to be the most famous almost-teenager in the wizarding world. Yes, he's a wizard. Get over it.

They even told him his parents were killed in a coughcough "car crash", how truly offensive! Give me a little more credit than that! But he knows the truth now. But I don't get it; if he knows, why doesn't he fear me? FEAR MEEE! Ahem, sorry. I know what you all think; you all think I'm crazy. You may be right, nut play along nonetheless. Anyway, this is the beginning of my story. Well not the very beginning, but here is where we'll start.

Why? Because I said so. Fear Me.