Deep in my Heart


They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.

They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.

They look up without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.

I can't explain or understand.

I just love you.

"Roses," Judith McFarland replied tearfully when asked by Will what type of flowers to get for the funeral. "My Jackie loved roses more than any other flower."

Will tried to comfort her, but felt it was impossible when he felt just as bad, if not worse.

Jack had died the week before, a few months after they started dating. The HIV had spread to AIDS much more quickly than the doctors said it should, and his immune system was too weakened by the virus for him to live.

Everyone said that Will seemed to be taking the news extremely well. No one had seen him shed a tear or mourn after Jack's death, and when he spoke to people about it, they noticed how calm and unflustered he seemed.

Only Grace knew the truth.

She was the one Will came to when he heard the news. He kept her up all night expressing just how much he meant to him. She heard every story, every encounter they came and conquered as a couple. And then, Will got very quiet and stopped talking at all. He shut himself in his room, and wouldn't come out to talk to anyone.

He was pretty bad. Still, he did all that he needed to do, and managed to hold a decent funeral for Jack.

It was beautiful. Roses lined the pews, and head shots of Jack littered the church. Will had gotten them all from a closet in Jack's apartment. A whole closet full of them.

Out of everyone in attendance at the funeral, Will seemed the most torn up about his death. Not even his own mother could match the despondency that Will felt.

Will didn't speak at the funeral. He couldn't look anyone in the eyes or talk. He was silent the whole day, except when the burial came.

He had managed to hold back his tears until that moment. He walked up to the tombstone, and saw the name on it. And then he broke down. Everyone heard the things he said. He hadn't meant to talk so loud, but the tears amplified his whispers.

"Jack, we met twenty years ago, and I knew we were going to be together for a long time. You showed up and instantly changed my life for the better. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably be married to a woman with three kids and hating every second of it. But you saw me, you saw the real me. When I heard about the HIV, the first thought that popped into my head was that you were going to die. I never noticed until you were gone, just how depressed it was going to make me. I never really understood just how much you have impacted my life until last week. I promised you a few months ago that we would be together forever. And I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I know we can't be together now, and I apologize for making a promise that I couldn't keep. I love you."

He turned around silently and left, his face red and his eyes glistening with fresh tears. He walked all the way home; all thirty blocks. He just needed to be alone.

Will remembered back a couple of days ago, when the doctor told him that Jack didn't have much time to live. He was supposed to tell Jack, but he didn't. He couldn't. It wasn't like last time, where Jack was sick and the possibility of dying might be true. This was the final thing he would tell Jack. It would be the last secret he kept from him.

He couldn't tell him.

So he kept it a secret. He never did tell him, and now he'd never be able to. It seemed kind of silly to tell him he'd be dying when he was already dead.

Will got home and immediately went into his room and shut the door. He removed his shoes and his tie and crawled into bed, pulling the covers morosely over his head. He hoped that when he woke up, this would all be a nightmare, and Jack would be beside him, sleeping soundly in his arms.

Of course, that couldn't happen. Jack was gone.

Will grabbed his pillow and hugged it tightly. As his hand slid underneath it, he felt something move under the sheets. He turned on the light and glanced at the object. It was a letter addressed to him.

He opened the letter, and found it was in Jack's handwriting. His heart leapt into his throat as he read it carefully.

"Dear Will,

The doctor called me a few days ago and said that at the most, I have about a week to live. I kept waiting and waiting for you to tell me, but after a day or two, I realized you weren't going to. And I thank you; I didn't want you to have to go through that.

Anyway, I remember that promise you made to me a few months ago. The one where we said we would be together forever. Well, don't think that just because I'm gone that I don't still consider that a promise. Even though I'm not physically near you, I will always be there for you. There won't be a day in Heaven that goes by when you're not on my mind. You are my first love, and even through death, that is what you'll continue to be.

You have made my life the most wonderful thing to go through. You even made going through HIV and AIDS bearable. I'm pretty sure that the only reason I lasted as long as I did was because of your love, support, and affection.

Remember, you are not alone in this. I want you to go out and find a guy who can treat you with as much love as you did for me. Don't worry about 'betraying me' or 'replacing me', I think we both know how impossible that is. But you're going to have a long life, you need someone by your side. Even if that person isn't me.

Deep in my heart, I know that we will see each other again. I know it. I've never been sure of anything in my life, but that is one thing I know will happen. And I'll be counting down the days until that moment comes.

Again, you're my best friend ever, and the best relationship I have ever had in my life. I love you.

Love, Jack

P.S: Check in the bottom drawer of your dresser. I want you to listen to that every time you feel like there is no one out there that cares about you."

Will set the letter very carefully down on the bed and leaned over toward the dresser. He opened the drawer and found a CD player with a CD inside of it. He put on the headphones and listened.

"If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear

For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turningI'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for"

It was Jack's voice. He had recorded and sung it. Will put down the CD player and smiled for the first time since Jack's death. He hugged the pillow still clutched in his hands and looked up towards the ceiling.

"I love you too," he whispered quietly.

Deep in his heart, he knew they were, in that moment, together forever.


A/N: I just want to thank everyone who stuck through the story and gave me all the praise. Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm currently planning a sequel for this, so I'll hopefully have that up as soon as I can. Thank you all again!