Title: Snape's Defense Against the Dark Arts Class
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor the right to any Monty Python stuff.
Summery: This is why Snape was never hired as the DADA teacher. And you thought Umbrage was bad...
Author's Note: As soon as I read the script I was replacing my internal Cleese's voice with my internal Rickman's voice. The rest of the parts came from who I wanted to kill off and in which order.
It was time for yet another Defense class with the seventh year Gryffindors. I know you will do your best Severus. Dumbledore said to Snape, who was looking very terrible and frightening, Just try not to kill too many Gryffindors. the headmaster said wryly, Snape smirked. He took that as a challenge. Sweeping down the halls he entered the classroom filled with various diagrams and skeletons as well as the seventh year Gryffindors, lead by none other than the little golden boy of the lions. But if his memory served him right he was supposed to have Hufflepuffs in the class as well. Unfortunately, his memory was proved to be slightly faulty as he walked in. It was only the Gryffindors. Damn. No, he looked at the roster, there were supposed to be Hufflepuffs too.
Where's all the others, then? he asked crisply.
They're not here. answered the two air headed worshipers of that old insect, Trelawney.
I can see that. Snape rolled his eyes, did they make it a point to be stupid? What's the matter with them? answered the class as one.
Perhaps they've got 'flu. spoke up the Irish boy.
'Flu, eh? Snape was suspicious of this easy answer, They should eat more fresh fruit. Right. Now, defense. Today I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit. He started. It was only the third month into the school year they had no right to start whining and carrying on.
Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week. whined the annoying redhead that stuck to Potter like glue.
What do you mean? He honestly couldn't recall ever making deals with his classes. But then again last week he was feeling poorly.
We've done fruit the last nine weeks. The redhead said with a whine tinting his voice.
What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all? Snape snapped at the redhead. Unfortunately the brain of the class came to support her idiot boyfriend's cause.
Can't we do something else? she asked. At least she tried to be respectful, unlike the next voice to speak up.
Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick? asked Potter with his voice full of pointless hope. Snape smirked, he was going to enjoy destroying those hopes. They were doing fruit, like it or not.
Pointed stick? He started, letting the Potter brat get the full effect of his sneer, Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty? Fresh fruit not good enough for you? Well I'll tell you something, boy. When you're walking to your common room tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Snape finished his rant with a dramatic flick at the blackboard which filled with notes, Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit... his lecture was interrupted, by the whole class.
We done the passion fruit. Asked Snape.
We done the passion fruit. said the Irish boy.
We done oranges, apples, grapefruit... the brain continued to list.
Whole and segments. added the boy whose essays always had doodles and sketches in the margins.
Pomegranates, greengages... the brain droned on.
Grapes, passion fruit... the Irish boy piped up again.
said the brain.
said the brain's redhead.
Mangoes in syrup... said the Irish boy.
How about cherries? Asked Snape. Maybe he was starting to do too much, he was monitoring the new potions teacher, spying, taking care of his Slytherins, and doing Defense classes. Once in a while eating happened. Sleep was a treat reserved for holidays like Rangonok.
We did them. chorused the students.
Red and black? It looked like the class as a whole was getting a taste of how they made him feel for the past six years and three months. Good.
All right, bananas. This was greeted with a group sigh, We haven't done them, have we? Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! he threw a banana at the Irish boy who caught it and stood up, Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless. lectured Snape.
Suppose he's got a bunch. the brain interrupted.
Shut he's got a pointed stick. the Potter brat interrupted.
Shut up. Right now you, Mr. Fig Again. the Irish boy frowned and corrected him.
Sorry, Mr. Finnagan. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! The boy followed his directions and falling back on all his old training in warfare Snape pulled out his revolver and shot the boy.
moaned the student as he died in a rather bloody mess.
Now, I eat the banana. Snape stepped forward and picked up the banana and ate it. A quick spell later and the peal and blood vanished.
You shot him! shouted the brain.
He's dead! yelled the redhead looking very angry.
He's completely dead! Potter added in a mix of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Fig Again, is now helpless. Snape ignored them all as he just wanted to get the lesson done with.
You shot him. You shot him dead. said the brain. She sounded quite like a broken record.
Well, he was attacking me with a banana. Snape explained as if she was an idiot, which, in his opinion, she was.
But you told him to. the redhead piped up, rather keyed up and ready to do something that would lose him points.
Look, I'm only doing my job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit. Snape explained. It was a war after all, didn't the students understand that?
And pointed sticks. added the Potter brat. Snape scowled and wished that Dumbledore hadn't made him promise not to take points after the last Gryffindor lesson ended with the Lions with negative 54,368 points.
Shut I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun? asked the brain.
Run for it. Snape shrugged, he wanted to add, why wouldn't you have a gun you silly twit', but he guessed that it wouldn't be wise.
You could stand and scream for help. suggested the idiot redhead.
Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe. sneered Snape.
A pineapple? the boy blinked and looked bewildered, not that it wasn't a common expression on him.
Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. he waved his wand and new notes appeared along with a basket of raspberries, There we are. Harmless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Wee Berry. corrected the redhead as he took the raspberry from Snape.
Weasley. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it. the boy just stood there looking at him with a stubborn expression.
Why not? Snape sighed.
You'll shoot me. said the boy.
I won't. said Snape.
You shot was self-defense. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you. said the tired teacher.
You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks. said the Potter brat again. Did he have some kind of obsession?
Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell. Ordered Snape.
Throw the gun away. said the redhead.
I haven't got a shot Seamus with it. said the redhead with a slight sigh.
Oh, that gun. Snape nodded.
Throw it away. said the redhead with a scowl.
Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a red currant - without a gun. amended Snape as he put his revolver on the desk and stepped away from it.
You were going to shoot me! the boy sounded scandalized.
I wasn' were! shouted the redhead.
No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed... The boy came forward in quite a threatening manner. Snape reached over and pulled the lever he set up before class and with a crash a sixteen ton weight fell on the boy and his raspberry. Threat neutralized.
moaned the boy as he expired or maybe passed out.
If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him. said Snape with a slight smirk.
Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight? asked the brain.
Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought. said Snape, he was sure he taught about planning earlier on.
Well how many 16-ton weights are there? the brain continued with her questions.
Look, look, look, Miss Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others! Snape nearly shouted in his exasperation.
Like what? asked the Potter brat with a token bit of interest.
Shootin' him? suggested Snape. Potter accepted it, but the brain did not.
Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each. he waved his hand and on the brain's and Potter's desks the baskets appeared.
No guns. said the brain.
No 16-ton weights. said the brain again.
No pointed sticks. said Potter. The boy definitely had problems.
Shut rocks up in the ceiling. said the brain.
And you won't kill us. said the brain.
I won't. Snape assured her.
I promise I won't kill you. he said exasperatedly, Now. Are you going to attack me?Oh, all right. they answered together.
Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the red currants! Right? O.K. start moving. he heard their footsteps and he smirked, Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with red currants is to - release the tiger! he waved his wand at a section of bookcases which were really an illusion for the cage he had installed at the beginning of the year. The tiger leapt out and started to defend her master, namely, Snape. Snape continued to lecture.
The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the red currants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. he looked around, Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well, I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it... with a touch to the detonator hidden in his sleeve the wing in which the DADA classroom was turned into rubble and bits of people.
Dumbledore sighed and regretted ever letting the man that Moody regarded as his finest pupil teach Defense, then he drafted another want-ad for a new teacher.