11Title: After the Storm
Summary: Sequel to 'Deep in my Heart'. After Jack's death, Will is miserable. But just how far will he go to get him back? Rated R for dark themes and angst
Disclaimer: I don't own. All characters belong to Max Mutchnick and David Kohen and NBC. Don't sue.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide and het. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Het in a W/J fic? Just read, you'll understand.
And I want you now
I want you now
I feel my heart implode
And I'm breaking out
Escaping now
Feeling my faith erode
–Hysteria; Muse
Chapter One
I was at the hospital when it happened. I saw the pain in his eyes when he realized what was going to happen. I was the one holding his hand when he died. I felt his heart beat fade to nothing. I saw the crystal blue in his eyes wither into a steel gray. I was there when my Jackie died.
And a piece of me died with him.
I often wonder what it might have been like if we didn't care so much for each other. What would I feel like if it was like it was before. Before I gave my heart to him. Would I have felt as bad as I did? Or would I just not care? I didn't cry at first. I don't think I even realized that he had left me. I kept my hand enveloped in his until all the warmth from it faded.
I didn't know I was crying until Grace came in. She put a hand on my shoulder, and I felt again. I felt the wetness fall from my eyes and onto my cheeks. I felt my heart break, and I felt it's splinters pierce my insides painfully. She held me to her, and we stayed there for the longest time. Or maybe it was a few seconds. I didn't care.
My hand never left his.
That night, I didn't sleep. I just remember laying in bed, with my head on his pillow. I was wearing his clothes. I put on a bit of his cologne and put the radio on his favorite station.
I took a shower. In the shower that him and I shared for the last months before he died. We would just stand under the hot stream of water cascading from the shower head, and hold each other. Since he was a little bit taller than me, I would rest my head on his shoulder and press my forehead onto his fevered throat. And he would kiss my hair softly, and we would be in there for hours, until the warm water grew cold and icy.
It wasn't the same without him. It wasn't worth living without him. There isn't a second that passes by that goes without me thinking that I could be up there with him. Just with a flick of a blade, or a swish of a rope, we would be together again. Forever.
Then, of course, my rational side speaks up. Don't you remember what Jack asked you to do? It would say, He doesn't want you to do something that stupid. He told you not to dwell on it. Don't be foolish.
That doesn't mean I still don't think about it, though.
Karen wasn't at the hospital that day. She said she had something else that came up. That bitch. He was her fucking friend, and she just abandoned him. And when she would never see him again. I couldn't believe it. She can rot in hell for all I care.
I don't remember how long I was in that room for. A couple days maybe, probably a week. My mind kept replaying his last words to me in my head. They weren't "I love you," or "I'll miss you."
They were, "I'm sorry."
Dammit, why was he sorry? It wasn't his fault he died. I knew that. He knew that. So why was he apologizing? I didn't know. And I never will.
This place is so empty now. It used to be that everywhere I went, I could see a piece of Jack there, even when he wasn't around. Now there is no trace of him anywhere. No matter where I look, I can't find him. He really is gone. He always used to come back, but now he has no choice. He can't come back. And he wasn't going to.
I knew it was coming. How could I not? I took a big risk with Jack. The biggest one I've ever taken with anyone. He had HIV. His system couldn't take it. He was going to die. And I knew it. I didn't care. I still wanted to be with him. And I was. I was there for all those months that we were together. Twenty months. Almost two years at his side as his lover.
We've been together for much longer than that, I know. We never really fully discovered each other until Jack was sick. Everyday I scream at myself for not noticing our love earlier.
I love him. I miss him. He was my Jackie, and now he's gone.
I'll wait forever to get him back.
Will emerged from the bundle of sheets, holding his head in his hands as he addressed the knock on the door to his bedroom.
"Go away!" he yelled hoarsely, tears from weeks ago still nestled in his throat. He had tried to cry all of his feelings for Jack out, but it was no use. It was a waste of time to even try. There was no way someone could forget Jack McFarland.
Grace opened the door and peaked her head inside. "Will, you've been in there for close to a week now. You haven't eaten, you haven't showered, I'm pretty sure that even though you've been in your bedroom for all this time, you haven't slept at all. Now come on, you look like death."
"Maybe it's because, I don't know, my best friend and lover just died!" he screamed angrily, burring his head into the pillow he was holding and crying loudly into it.
Sighing, Grace rubbed Will's back comfortingly. What am I going to do about him? This thing with Jack is making him hysterical, she thought to herself. "Will, I know it's hard, but it's over. Jack is gone, and he's never coming back. I wish with all of my heart that it wasn't like that, but that's just how it is."
She wiped tears from her eyes and rested her head on Will's back, dragging him into a hug. He trembled in her arms, and for a moment, she got scared. Will never acted like this. She was the one who was supposed to be crying hysterically, and he was the one who was supposed to calm her down. He was the strong one. Not her.
"I'm sorry, Grace. It's just, I don't know what I'll do without him." Will went on, sobbing again and dissolving into a fit of hiccups.
"I know. I miss him too, but you need to see daylight again. Jack wouldn't want you to sulk all day in your bedroom, missing out on the rest of the world."
Will nodded. He knew she was right, and he knew that Jack would have wanted him to find someone else to love, though not as much as him. He would want him to be happy. "I know. It's just so fucking hard to get over him."
Grace smiled sadly, holding him in her arms as if he were a wounded puppy or a child. "You don't have to get over him. You just have to get over his death. He'll always love you, but you're still here. You should go see other people, but hold him in your memory and remember that even though he's not here, he's here," she said, pointing to Will's heart.
They just stared at each other for the longest time. They felt paralyzed in the moment, and all they could do was look into one another's eyes.
Will didn't know what to say or do. So he kissed her, and it wasn't like it was before. He felt something unhitch in his chest, and the only thing he couldn't think about was what he was doing.
His tongue explored her mouth hungrily, and she couldn't do anything but kiss back. They were both vulnerable, there was so much they needed to get out. They wrestled with each other on the bed, and finally, he was on top of her.
"Oh God," he moaned into her mouth, grimacing as his shirt left his body. His eyes shut angrily, and he willed himself not to look at her. He couldn't, or else he would stop. And there was no way he could stop now. He felt his pants unbutton, and he threw her shirt off, pinning her down onto the mattress.
The next few minutes flew by in Will's mind. The last thing he remembered was that he was completely naked and thrusting into someone. He didn't know who it was, but with all his heart, he hoped it could be Jack.
And all of a sudden, it was Jack. He never got to love Jack like this, and now he was given a second chance. It was before the disease, before the fights they had, before everything. It was just the two of them, and nothing could ever tear them apart. Never again. Will hissed viciously as he plowed faster and faster, each thrust filled with more vigor than the last.
All he thought about was coming. There was nothing else he wanted to do, and no one else he would rather do it with than Jack. He felt Jack smiling up at him, that look of ecstasy he reserved for Will plastered on his face.
Will finally cried out and collapsed in pleasure onto the bed, yelling into the mass of sheets and blankets on the bed. He felt Jack do the same, and the writhed together until they were both spent.
"I love you.." Will whispered, panting loudly and rolling over to his side.
A voice he didn't recognize at that moment answered back. "I love you too..."
(Flashback)
"I'm sorry, it's nothing much", Jack said, his face blushed with red. He handed Will his Christmas present and sat back on the couch.
"Don't be silly. I'll love anything you have to give me," he promised, ripping the paper off of the box. The wrapping was covered in rainbow flags and upside-down triangles, and Will smiled as he remembered the parade in front of Boy Barn they got it at.
Opening the box, he looked at the label. "You got me a juicer?" he asked questioningly, confusion rippling noticeably through his eyes. Jack smiled widely and jumped up. He grabbed the juicer and ran into the kitchen.
He reached into the refrigerator and snatched a carrot from the vegetable drawer.
"Look!" he said enthusiastically, plugging the appliance into the wall and sticking the carrot into the opening at the top. "You put the thick, manly, carrot into the little hole, and turn it on." Jack looked up mischievously, seeing that Will got the double meaning "And then, when it's finally finished grinding and grinding, the juice comes out!"
Will laughed out loud and shook his head. "Well, at least I'll have a lot of fun with that imagery," he said, going over to the kitchen and hugging Jack from behind.
He gave Jack a kiss on the neck and leaned more on the younger man, inhaling the aroma of his hair. Who knew how much longer he would be able to do that. Will didn't, and he was determined to get as much of Jack's scent as he could.
Jack nuzzled Will's head with his own and turned around to kiss him on the mouth. He might not be on this Earth for much longer because of the virus, but at least he could spend the rest of his days with his best friend there by his side.
Will moaned audibly into the kiss, and pulled Jack by the waist, so their chests were pressed together erotically.
Jack pulled back and smiled, moving down to the floor and getting on his knees naughtily. He removed the belt buckle from his lovers hips and pulled Will's jeans to the floor. Will groaned as Jack took him into his mouth.
"Jack...we shouldn't be doing this.." he whimpered. He tried to pry his friends head from his crotch when Jack sighed dramatically.
"Will?" he asked, looking up from the ground.
"Yeah?"
Jack smiled and gathered Will's manhood in his hand. "Shut up and let me work."
A smile appeared on Will's face. That was the least he could do.
(End Flashback)
Will sat up in bed, his head pounding dully. He moaned miserably as the throbbing continued, stronger and stronger each time he moved. He felt dizzy; the after-effects of the alcohol he drank yesterday was still rampant in his bloodstream.
When he tried to remember what had happened the night before, he couldn't. There was no memory of anything he did. He walked out of the room and into the bathroom, oblivious to anything around him. All he could think about was the dream he had last night. The one about Jack.
Will felt a pain strike through his chest. He missed him so much, and now the only way he could be with him was, like Jack had always said before the virus, in his dreams.
After he had splashed his face with cold water and brushed his teeth, he went back into his room to gather clothes so he could take a shower. While looking in his closet, he glanced at the bed. There he saw Grace, without any clothes on. A thin sheet from Will's bed was draped over her body. She snored lightly, and turned over.
Will stopped in his tracks, soaking in what he had just done.
"Oh fuck."