WHO PUT THE DINAR IN YOU?
© Absinthe Angel 777 aka M. Guerriere 1/1/2005

Legal disclaimer: Xena & Gabrielle are the property of Ren Pics and MCA/Universal. The following story serves as a writing exercise and no more. I do not make any profit from it and it is to be used for amatueur fan fiction purposes only.

Notes from the Author: This story may not be reproduced without my express written permission. Please contact me - I might say YES. Please direct comments and reviews relating to this work to Thank you, dear reader, in advance for taking the time to consider this piece. I truly appreciate it. I know the piece has technical flaws but it's just for fun. Enjoy! - Angel

INT: A BEDROOM IN AMPHIPOLIS
NIGHT

Two girls are sleeping, one approximately 18, the other approximately 7 or 8

GABRIELLE
(gasp)

XENA
shhhh…what?

GABRIELLE
The big dragon, look!

XENA
(opens one eye)
That's a tree. Shadows from a tree.

GABRIELLE
Dragon. (makes face at shadow)

XENA
shhh!

GABRIELLE
Am I gonna live here?

XENA
Sometimes.
Hopefully in your own room.
Go to sleep.

GABRIELLE
Why?
I live with my Mommy then I come here, with your Mommy.
Why?

XENA
(sighs)
Because one day, when you're a big girl you and and Lyceus are going to get married.
And you're going to live here with my Mommy.
I told you this a million times already.
Sleep.

GABRIELLE
(shakes head)
No.

XENA
What do you mean "no"?
Don't tell me "no".

GABRIELLE
You don't know anything Xena!
Lyceus lives with my Daddy at my house.

XENA
Because your Daddy is teaching him to put shoes on horses.
Just like he taught me.
We'll see Lyceus again soon.
You'll see him all the time when you get older.
He's going to be a blacksmith, you're going to marry him and you'll live here.
End of story.

GABRIELLE
(shakes head)
No. Nuh uh. Nope.

XENA
(rubs her eyes)
Sleep Gabrielle.
Please sleep.
I have to get up and fish in a few hours.

GABRIELLE
I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee a dragon outside.
It's red. He's very pretty. He lives in the trees.
Do you know all the names of the trees?
We have an olive tree and a lemon tree and a cypress tree.
I climbed up them and I saw all the leaves.
There's a big bird who's head spins around in the tree.
Did you see the spinny head bird in the tree?

XENA
(groans and pulls her own hair)
It's an owl. Please, I beg of you.
Before I start to cry.
Go to sleep.

GABRIELLE
(pulls a piece of cloth out from under the bed and opens it up)
And suprise!
I have my leaf collection right here!
See?
This leaf is a green leaf. It is very big and…

XENA
(small tantrum)
Gabrielle! Sleep!
We don't need to see the leaf collection.
It's the middle of the night.
The leaves go away.
Now.

GABRIELLE
(puffs up her face and pouts as she puts leaves away)

XENA
(faces away and tries to resume sleeping)
Thank you.

GABRIELLE
Xena?

XENA
whuttttttttt?

GABRIELLE
(shoves doll in Xena's face)
You didn't kiss our baby goodnight.

XENA
(rolls eyes, sighs in frustration, kisses doll)
Goodnight baby.
Tell your Mommy to go to sleep.

GABRIELLE
(settles down)
Xena?

XENA
Yesssssssss?

GABRIELLE
It's OK. I'm not scared.
I'm gonna live here with you when we get married.

XENA
When WE?
ugh…yes yes
Anything you say.
Goodnight Gabrielle.
Close your eyes Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Night night.

(bursts into song and bounces around)

Oh! We're gonna fish fish fish tommorow! FISHIE! FISHIE!

XENA
(covers Gabrielle's mouth)
Shhhhhhhhhh! Goodnight.

GABRIELLE
(giggles and bites Xena's fingers. Closes eyes, pretends to snore)
Zzzzzzzzzzz! fishie Zzzzzzzzzzzz! fish fish fish ZZZZZZZZz…

XENA
(shakes finger out, lays down, nerves rattled, mumbles and collapses into sleep)
Yow! You bit me!
Oh Goddess. Help.
Why does Mom stick me with you?
She's crucifying me for something.
What did I do to deserve this?

EXT. - EARLY MORNING - QUIET SPOT BY A RIVER

Xena & Gabrielle laying on a blanket in front of 3 fishing poles with tiny bells and submerged traps.
Xena is sleeping in the morning sunlight.

GABRIELLE
(into Xena's ear)
ding! ding!
Bells are ringing.
Fishie's nibbling.

XENA
(opens eyes and scrambles towards straining fishing pole)
Don't bite me again!
Whoa! Yeah! Yeah!
Look at this!
I've got a huge one!

GABRIELLE
(talks to doll)
She's caught a whale!
A big whale and Poseidon says "Xena! Ha ha ha! You've caught my whale!"
Look baby! Look! See the big fish?

XENA
(smiles and reels in a fish)
Poseidon said that to you, huh?
Here's a whale for your dolly.

(throws wiggling fish in basket)

GABRIELLE
(looks in basket with doll)
Lots of them.
Fishie! We're gonna eat you! Ha ha ha!

XENA
Yeah, lots of them.
(points out other fishermen in distance)
Look at those losers.
They only have to catch two maybe three fish.
They can't even catch that.
I have to catch 20…..25…30 fish for the tavern before I can go home.
Pfffft…I'm much better than them.
And I'm here before any of them. Fishermen.
Ha…I'm ten times the fisherman any of them are.

GABRIELLE
Losers!

XENA
(laughing)
Hey! Shhhhhh! Don't you say that!
Only I can say that!
Don't repeat everything I say, you little monkey!
You'll get me in trouble!

GABRIELLE
(clasps hands together, gives Xena an adoring look)
Well I love you!

XENA
(rolls eyes and rips up a piece of grass)
Yeah. Great. You love me.
Like I really need that!
I need a good-looking boyfriend is what I need.
Not these jerks that are around here.

(lays down on blanket)
Hey, If you love me so much can you watch the fishing poles again while I get some sleep?
Being that you didn't let me sleep last night Miss Talk Talk Talk?

GABRIELLE
(mimicking Xena the night before covers Xena's mouth)
Xena! Shhhh! Sleep! Goodnight Xena! Shhhhh!

(Xena smiles and closes eyes, drifts off)

(Gabrielle watches fishing poles, and puts her toes in the wildflowers but sees a woman staring at them in the distance)

GABRIELLE
Xena..

XENA
Shhh. I'm sleeping.
You love me, right?
If you love me so much, watch the fishing poles.

GABRIELLE
Xena..

(woman comes closer and stares)

WOMAN
(throws dirt at Xena)
You filthy pig!

XENA
(bolts upright, jumps in front of Gabrielle to protect her)
What? What?
What did I do?

WOMAN
You dress like a boy!
You're filthy!
You're lazy!
You should be weaving with the other women!
You're not marrying my son!
No wonder nobody wants you!
I'm going to talk to your whore of a mother!

(woman storms away)

XENA
(jumps up rattled and screams)
I don't weave!
I fish!
Go ahead!
I'm working for my mother!
Don't you call my mother….
(kicks dirt in frustration)
I don't want to marry your ugly son anyway!
You stupid bitch!
And I catch more fish than your damn husband!
And and - stay away from my baby!
(makes horned finger symbol)
All of you!
I curse you!
(throws a rock across the river)
Scaring us like that..
Hades….

(Xena pulls in fish from nets with tears staining face)

GABRIELLE
Xena? Don't cry.

XENA
(wipes face and breathes hard)
I'm not crying.
I just - you wouldn't understand, Gabrielle.
Are you OK?
She's very mean.
(strokes Gabrielle's hair, Gabrielle nods)

C'mon, let's go home now.
We have enough fish.
Let's get out of here.
Crazy woman.

(collects things)

GABRIELLE
(Xena shoulders the basket, balances her fishing poles and offers Gabrielle her hand,
Gabrielle grabs Xena's hand and starts to walk down trail)
You caught a whale!

XENA
(still shaken, sniffing away the last tear, pulls Gabrielle close)
Yeah..I did.
Don't worry.
Everything will be all right.

INT. CYRENE'S TAVERN

(Xena puts down baskets of fish,
Gabrielle runs into middle of empty tavern and starts to sing out loud and dance across the floor)

CYRENE
Your breakfast is on the table.
Catch anything today?

XENA
The usual.
More than any man in town.
More than 5 men in town.

(sits down to eat)

CYRENE
Xena. I hate to bring this up again but -

XENA
(frustrated)
I'm bored with it Mom.
I'm bored with the whole thing.
You don't have to say anything.

CYRENE
But Xena.

XENA
She came here. I know.
She yelled at me down by the river.
I don't care.
I hate her.
I hate her stupid son too.

CYRENE
Xena, this is the sixth boy.

XENA
(slams fist on the table)
I was fishing.
You need your fish, right?
Am I supposed to sit around like the other women?
What are we supposed to do?
Not get any fish?
Not have a food for the tavern?
You run a business, Mom.

CYRENE
Not curse at her.

XENA
She called me a filthy pig!
In front of Gabrielle too.
Scared her half to death.
She called you a…

CYRENE
(raises an eyebrow)
Oh she did?
She won't be talking long.
I'll deal with her myself.

XENA
Gabrielle!
Who put the dinar in you?
Eat your breakfast.

CYRENE
You never yell at Gabrielle.
That woman didn't hit you, did she?

XENA
Gabrielle! I said….NOW!
No Mom. We're OK.

GABRIELLE
(stomps through tavern and sticks out tongue, sits next to Xena, wiggles in her seat and eats)

CYRENE
(laughs)
What an actress she's turning out to be.
I think you interrupted her show.
I'm sorry Lyceus isn't here to see this.

XENA
(eats)
Oh you mean so he and Gabrielle can kick and bite each other to death?
So they can both be in my hair?
I can't handle the two of them together.
Yeah. I'm so sorry he's not here so I can get stuck baby sitting two kids not one!

CYRENE
They'll grow out of it.
He's a big boy now. He's almost 13.

XENA
You're killing me, Mom.
She never shut up last night.

GABRIELLE
Go - to - sleep Gabrielle! Shhhhhh!

CYRENE
(strokes Gabrielle's hair)
Don't be so hard on her, Xena.
She's a good girl and very intelligent.
Just a little creative.

XENA
Creative?
Is that what you call it?
I don't know what she's talking about half the time.
Half of it makes sense, half of it's gibberish.
Except that she's waking me up every five minutes telling me
there's a dragon outside my window!

GABRIELLE
There is!

XENA
There is not!

GABRIELLE
(holds doll up)
My baby saw it!

XENA
You see? You see Mom?
I can't argue with her!
I can't win.

CYRENE
All right. Maybe Gabrielle can stay with me all day.
She can dance and sing and tell stories about her own little world.
And you can fish by yourself.
You can have your space.
And do whatever it is you want to do.

(Three seductively clad women enter the tavern and slowly make their way toward the kitchen.)

TAVERN WENCH #1
(yawns and shuffles past Cyrene)
I hope that regiment gets here soon.
I could use the extra dinars.

TAVERN WENCH #2
(pulls Xena's hair as she passes)
Mornin' Cyrene!
Hi Xeeenna.
(stops and pulls at Xena's cutoff tunic)
Nice muscles.

TAVERN WENCH #3
Hi Cyrene!
(purses lips and gives a teasing wink to Xena as she walks into kitchen)
Helloooooooooo Xena!
Did you get taller since yesterday?

XENA
(blushes bright red, clears throat and continues conversation)
Well…I - I don't know, Mom.

CYRENE
(eyes her incoming staff with a smile, then continues with Xena)
Gabrielle will be right by my side all day and all night.
You won't have to argue with her.

XENA
But Mom…

CYRENE
And she won't win all the time.

XENA
It's not that - it's

CYRENE
And she won't bother you with her endless stories.

XENA
but..

CYRENE
About dragons.

XENA
Um..

CYRENE
And all the other things that annoy you.

XENA
Um Mom

CYRENE
Come on Gabrielle.
Do you want to learn how to be a waitress?

XENA
No! Mom!

CYRENE
Yes, dear?

XENA
(nervous)
I didn't mean it.
I'll take her.

CYRENE
You sure?
I can teach her how to wait tables with the other girls.

XENA
No. no. no.
I don't want her to be a waitress. Really!
I've got her.

CYRENE
How to flirt for a tip!
She might teach you a few things!

XENA
Mom!

CYRENE
I'm sure we could make up a cute little dress.

XENA
No! NO!
She doesn't need to learn that stuff!
She's fine. Her stories are fine!
(moves seat closer to Gabrielle, puts arms around her protectively and shoos Cyrene away)
Go away now Mom!
I've got her.

CYRENE
(kisses Xena on the head)
You're the best, sweetheart.
Too bad she can't marry you.

XENA
(groans)
Oh no! Don't start! Please don't say that.

GABRIELLE
(shows doll to Cyrene)
This is our baby, Eve.

XENA
(hides face in hand)
Oh gods no…..

CYRENE
Really?
(looks at the doll)
What a beautiful baby.
Eve, is it?
Who's baby is this, Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Our baby!
We're gonna live here when me and Xena get married.

CYRENE
(winks at Gabrielle)
That's wonderful!
You're going to live here when you and Xena get married?
I'm glad someone nice is finally going to take care of my Xena!

(to Xena)
At least it's someone who can handle you!
Hmm…she doesn't want Lyceus.
Now will I have to give back her dowry?
(pokes Xena's sides)
You really should tell me before you steal your own brother's wife and have kids.
A grandmother is always the last to know!

(calls out to tavern wenches)
Girls! Gabrielle's going to marry Xena.
My troubles are over and Xena's off the market.

TAVERN WENCHES
(Waitresses feign loud sarcastic disappointment and hiss)
No! No!
We'll never get a chance with her.
We wanted her first!

XENA
(stands up and protests)
I told you!
I like boys!

TAVERN WENCHES
(laugh hysterically)

CYRENE
(stands at the doorway and chuckles)
Deep fried or on roasted on a spit?
Hurry and finish you two.
I have to set up before the customers come.

(disappears into the kitchen)

GABRIELLE
(hangs onto Xena's tunic and clutches the baby doll)

XENA
(shakes head in disbelief and sits down)
You didn't tell me the baby had a name!

GABRIELLE
Uh huh. Eve!
(hugs Xena)
I love you.

XENA
(rolls eyes and detaches Gabrielle)
Ugh.
Yeah.
Nice.
Cut it out.

GABRIELLE
(points at the sparkling pink vision appearing in the far corner of the room)
Look! I see Aphrodite!

XENA
(laughs and scruffs Gabrielle's hair as she gets up from her chair)
Silly girl!
First it's a dragon, now it's Aphrodite!
I'm coming to help you in the kitchen Mom!

GABRIELLE
(giggles)
Hi! Aphrodite!

APHRODITE
(appearing unseen to adults in a glittering pink mist)
Hi! Baby Girl!
How's my favorite little story teller?

GABRIELLE
Me and Eve went fishing and Xena caught a whale!

APHRODITE
Really?
Like, how cool is that!
Gonna show me your new play?

GABRIELLE
(jumps up on a chair)
I sing the song of mighty Dionysius!

DIONYSIUS
(materializes)
Someone page Me?
Darling Aphrodite! Try my new Merlot!
(hands Aphrodite a goblet)

APHRODITE
Dion! Hey Big Daddy!
(drinks and swishes in mouth)
Chewy, woodsy, plumy,
(swishes again thinking)
full bodied with a rich finish
It tastes like more!

DIONYSIUS
(refills Aphrodite's goblet)
My thoughts exactly!
By the way, where's my warrior?

APHRODITE
(points to the kitchen)
Washing dishes.

DIONYSIUS
Excellent.
Good for the upper torso.
And who's this screaming little wood-sprite on the chair?

GABRIELLE
(shouts from the chair)
I am The Goddess of the Underworld and my dragon will burn the vineyard!
Oh nooooooooooooooooo!
Don't worry townspeople!
Xena will save your grapes from a firey doom!

APHRODITE
My latest discovery - Gabrielle!
Dionysian Drama's next superstar!
I'm her agent anytime you're ready to book.

DIONYSIUS
Delightful.
How old is she?

APHRODITE
Seven.
Going on 25.
Audiences love precocious.

DIONYSIUS
(smiles)
Hmmm…yes I see that.
A little shocktress.
That's always exciting.

XENA
(rolls eyes from the kitchen doorway)
Talking to herself again.
I wonder how she does all those crazy voices.

(shrugs and goes back into the kitchen)

FIN