4Title: Chills in the Evening
Pairing: Brian/Justin, Brian/Michael
A/N: Multiple character deaths. You're warned. Also, I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story. I am not making any money off of this work of fiction.
Now I need to find a way
To stop this pain from getting stronger
And I just can't explain
I don't understand
Why you left me here
Michael still remembered his last words. I hope you got what you wanted, he said, his eyes blurry and glassy. He was crying again, and this time; he wouldn't stop.
I couldn't save him this time…
Brian left that night, and Ben tried to comfort Michael. He wrapped his arms around him tearfully and whispered that he hoped everything would eventually be okay. Michael couldn't even think. He couldn't feel his husbands' warmth, and he didn't want to, for Brian's was still fresh on his body. And as he felt Ben enveloping; suffocating his best friend, he lashed out.
You selfish, fucking asshole, Michael thought about Brian, his fists clenching in anger. Justin died, and it's not your fault. It was never your damn fault. And now, you can't do anything about it anymore.
In the mirror, Michael's cheeks were red. It reminded him of the blood covering the ground when the accident happened. He didn't even remember what had happened; he only knew that Justin was gone. And Brian's face froze in a painful shock. Through all they had gone through, it was over. And he had no say in it at all.
They shouldn't have gone out that night. Brian said he was fine, but Michael could tell he was lying. He knew it; he didn't even have to search his eyes to find the hurt and pain that was obviously there. They should have stayed in, and even though they were miserable, they were together, and they could brave anything.
Everyone knew that therapy for Brian Kinney was drowning yourself in as much booze and drugs as you could possibly get your hands on. After that, a night in the back room at Babylon was enough to solve anyone's problems. But Brian wouldn't even let Michael touch him that night, let alone a random trick that he didn't care even half as much as he did Justin.
The booze and drugs were another story, though. As soon as the mouth of the first bottle touched Brian's lips, he knew something was horribly wrong.
"Brian, maybe we should go home," he said uncertainly, not sure if anything he said would set him off. But Brian didn't even look up from the counter. His face was blank, and he seemed lost. "Brian…"
"I'm fine," he replied mechanically, not moving his eyes from the same spot. He wasn't thinking, he wasn't talking, he wasn't feeling; he just…died. A cold feeling surged through Michael, and his stomach tightened uncomfortably.
"Well, I'm just going to go," he said, scolding himself internally.
He just lost someone he loved! Don't fucking leave him! He needs you!
Things that night weren't going right. There were so many fucked up feelings hanging in the air, and they clouded around him so thickly that Michael couldn't breathe. So he didn't listen to himself. As he turned around to exit, Brian finally spoke up.
"I hope you got what you wanted," he whispered hoarsely, a tear trailing down his cheek forlornly. "I couldn't save him this time".
A pained look shot through Michael's face, and just seeing the hint of a tear on Brian's face sent a chill through him that was colder than he ever thought he could feel. He ran out of Woody's, and never stopped.
Fuck waiting for him to stumble into the jeep so I can drive his ass home, he thought, his side hurting from sprinting. Fuck all of this. I just want to go home and sleep.
He saw the ambulance pass him on his way home, the lights blinding him and the sound deafening him as it passed, but he didn't acknowledge it. To him, there were no cars on the road, and no people littering the sidewalks. He ran into a dozen different people, but he didn't feel any of them.
He ran inside and sprawled on the bed, ignoring Ben slipping next to him and holding him in his arms. He didn't see Ben at all; it was like he wasn't even there. Brian was the only thing occupying his mind. It was like it always was.
The next morning, his head pounded as if someone had dropped a boulder on it, and as soon as his eyes opened and his mind registered that he was awake, he knew something was terribly wrong.
"Brian Kinney, the love of my life, and the source of my happiness. You've been my best friend for a long time, and we've gone through our ups and downs," he recited from the piece of paper in his hand, looking out at the few people in the church. His hands shook violently, and tears choked him.
"But now I know what it's like to hit rock bottom. And I know that most people say that from here, the only way to go is up, but I don't know how that's possible without you here with me. All this time, I've denied that you loved Sunshine like you did. You were stupid and selfish. You died because he died, but he had no choice. You did. And you left me here, all alone."
Tears slipped out of his eyes with ease, and he let them flow. His voice grew stronger, and he felt an anger surge through him.
"You said you loved me. If you were here, you'd deny it, but you did love me. Sure as Hell more than Justin. I loved you too, and you fucking knew it."
Everyone around; Ben, Debbie, Emmett, everyone, looked at him in shock, but he continued, stronger this time.
"I hope you enjoy your death," he said, his voice rising to a scream. "And I hope you enjoy an eternity burning in Hell!"
Then he ran again, faster than he had the night of Brian's death. A light rain started to fall, and Michael felt numb all over. He couldn't feel his skin or anything inside of him either. Without Brian, he was empty. Without Brian, he couldn't live.
And then he understood…
I could never live without him, just like he could never live without Justin. He loved Justin; he died for him. And I love Brian. More than Ben, more than Hunter, more than anything. And I would do anything for him.
He stopped in the middle of the street, his face growing cold, and his eyes shutting as a breath slowly escaped him. He couldn't see, and he didn't need to. Soon, he felt everything around him more vividly than he ever had. The rain slid down his cheeks, mingling with his warm tears. He saw a light through his sheathing eyelids, and heard the sound of rubber on pavement.
But nothing around him mattered, because just like as the overdose of cocaine entered Brian's system when Justin surrounded him, Brian was all around him in that moment.
And soon, he couldn't feel at all…
And sometimes I feel like
I can't go on living
There's not much to take when you've done all the giving
Now you're gone and I need you here tonight
You know that I can't sleep coz I'm terrified
Feels like I'm falling
Down really fast inside
And I'm
Wishing the night away
Chills in evening
They won't go away