34A/N: Come on… power through this ending, LSN! Power through!
"So… all the Evas are disposed of?" Sachiel asked.
"Uh huh…" Israfel answered.
"But we're still on full alert?" Arael asked.
"Uh huh," Israfel repeated again. "NERV might try something stupid."
"And why are we all doing this?" Lillith asked, as all three of them stood suiting up in their plug suits… at a comic book convention signing autographs… Arael's line of figures and toys next to them and selling like hotcakes all the while.
"Because we need the money since Adam's been paying us chump change ever since his 'Bastardization' was complete. And I want to hit on Clevin Brianger… the guy that made that sprite comic based of Dragon Warrior, '8-Bit Cinema'!"
"Knowing you… it'll be more than just 'hitting on'…" Sachiel remarked as he turned to look at the angry look at her guardian's face, only to see her already heading off to work.
Unfortunately, however, the deafening sound of a helicopter flying overhead caused all to look up in confusion, and Israfel cursed her luck as she ran outside.
"Dammit… a scouting chopper… things aren't going to be easy…"
Adam laughed sadistically as he kicked back in his office, it was so easy now… his enemies couldn't possibly stop him now at all! All he had to was…
"No… no… NO!"
The doors to his office slid as Sandolphon stepped in, looking at the sobbing SEELE leader. "Sir… were you playing 'Super Smash Brothers Stab-fest' again and lost against the training dummy?"
"And if I did?"
"Then your title as 'Bastard' would be revoked."
"Uh… no. I was just trying out a new character… yeah…"
"Oh… really?"
"Kinda… anyways, what's the matter?"
"We're expecting NERV to go after us now… they're already trying to hack into the Ireul."
"Hmm… any countermeasures we can think of?"
"Most of them are long, elaborate, and would easily be foiled given enough time."
"Joy. I'll get Sandolphon on it right away."
"NO! I WON'T LET YOU! HE'S ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TOO! DAMN YOU, SANDOLPHON!" Israfel screamed as her friend literally pried Sachiel out of her grasp and dragged him out.
"Sorry, but I'm not going to let this slide anymore. I finally got better housing for Sachiel anyways, so I can finally get him out of this hellhole."
"But noooo!" Israfel pleaded. "I had all these wonderful schemes planned out and everything and you're stripping them away from me!" She collapsed, crying like some loser that overslept, overate, and relied on throwing a tiara at people to kill them as her best friend dragged what would be her easiest conquest out of her grasp. "WHYYYY?"
"You know, you replace that 'H' with an 'R' and you'd scream out 'WRYYY!' like Dio Brando, except it's pronounced like 'WRE', Israfel…" Arael said as she poked her head out of her bedroom.
"Dio?" Israfel asked, confused. "Who's that?"
"Oh, you'll find out…" Arael answered, grinning sadistically. "You'll find out. In the meantime… I just sold off another round of the plushie characters from this fanfic… wanna go down to the bar and get unsuspecting college students drunk?"
"YAY!" Israfel shouted, jumping for joy.
"Jeez… five Ireul's against one… things are really going to be hard for me…" Sandolphon sighed as she sat at her mother's customized computer console, staring down at the colorful little pictographs that her illiterate mind could still interpret fully.
She began opening up a sequence of folders, realizing serious revisions needed to be made. First of all, the entire idea of three stooges needed to be dropped, it was too easy to manipulate. Plus the whole coding system needed to be rewritten from page one.
Sandolphon worked tirelessly, lava dripping from her body and falling onto the keyboard. Bit by bit, her perfect computer program was formed, one entirely new and exciting, aptly titled "The Mavericks."
Finally closing down for the night, she was glad to know that this defensive measure would serve well. "Bring it on, world… I've got something dangerous up my sleeve… and I'm not talking about that lump of magma."
"GRAHHH!" NERV 8 screamed in frustration as again and again, the massive assault on Japan's viral computer system failed. "Stupid Mavericks!"
"Any idea what the cause of this all is?" NERV 0 asked.
"We've come to a conclusion," NERV 3 began, "First of all, the entire system was changed around… we now face X, Zero, and Axl… and there's something worse that'll take us eons to crack through."
"And that's…"
He gulped. Now for the bad news…
"Well… our computers can't even interface with Japan's system now."
"WHAT?"
"Well, it looks like Sandolphon redid the binary code of the computers… she's using 1's and 2's now! We have no way to counter that. We're talking about a completely different-"
BANG!
Another NERV member fell down, victim of a bullet-induced migraine.
"Damnable Sandolphon… never has there been such a competent and capable girl that can't even read or write her own name!" NERV 0 growled, slamming her hand on the floor. "Mobilize our military forces and the Transformers… we're going to do this the old fashioned, militaristic way."
"YAY!" The others shouted happily.
"Sir?"
"Yes?" Adam looked up, seeing Zeruel coming into his room again.
"They're actually going to be attacking this time. What should we do with the Humangelion pilots?"
"What else? Get them to their Humans. And by the way…"
"Yes, Adam?"
Adam looked at his second-in-command, suddenly breaking out in a nervous sweat. "Well, I was playing Connect 4 and I…"
"Did you forget your opponent could connect his four diagonally?"
"Yeah… I really outdid myself this time."
"What?" Zeruel said, suddenly developing a twitch as he began realizing what Adam was talking about.
"Well, I needed to brush up on my skills at it if I wanted to maintain my Bastard title and humiliate everyone, so I played against myself. And I somehow kinda outwitted myself and I can't convince myself that I won."
"Sir… are you saying you need to convince yourself of something?"
"Yeah, that Adam is so stupid he really doesn't even believe me."
"But YOU'RE ADAM!"
"And?"
"HOW DO YOU LOSE AN ARGUMENT AGAINST YOURSELF? HOW?"
"Well, I'm not really sure about that. But maybe it's got to just be that-"
"Never mind…" Zeruel said, shaking his head and walking away, utterly confused. As soon as he closed the doors, however, he suddenly heard Adam sadistically laugh.
"That guy's not just the Bastard… he's the Dumbass…"
The troops stood strong, their guns at the ready and their minds prepared for battle. This would be hard… after all, they were going to be up against some of the most dangerous things around…
Like a big red fire truck that shot laser beams.
"Missile crews," Israfel said over the radio, "Are you ready?"
"Yes ma'am!" shouted said crews.
She nodded and turned back to the three pilots in the briefing room.
"Okay, this is going to be the most difficult battle you three have ever faced. We can hold off the conventional forces without too much trouble, but the Transformers are going to be the biggest threat you've ever faced. Any questions?"
"Uh… yeah…" Arael asked. "You know those twins we picked up at the bar… where did you put them?"
"Chained them to the bathtub. I'm hoping they'll succumb to desires of twincest –which is quite capable of happening in fanfiction, mind you- soon enough," Israfel answered, causing Lilith and Sachiel to take a few steps back in horror at it. "What? You didn't think I was capable of that?"
"Israfel…" Sachiel and Lilith said as they walked away, "You are so depraved."
"Ready, everyone?" Israfel and Material asked not to long afterwards, the Humans ready to launch.
"Yes ma'am!" They answered.
"Okay then… HUMAN UNITS 00, 01, and 02… LAUNCH!"
Units Rei, Shinji, and Asuka shot to the surface, looking around for their quarries… only to be immediately attacked by a barrage of heavy artillery, VTOL aircraft, and small-arms fire.
Not like that did anything to their AT-Fields.
SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!
With that whole ordeal over, they blinked.
It had been that easy? Something didn't smell right…
"Can we please just indulge in maniacal laughter?" NERV 2 asked, thinking sadistically to the moment at which the Transformers would arrive… and the Humangelions would be theirs. After that, it was just the simple matter of somehow prying the Sword of Serpentus from the moon and then plunge it into Unit Shinji.
NERV 0 stood up and looked around. "Sure… why not? But I need to go to the bathroom or something…" She stood up and walked away amidst the stupid laughter.
The fools! Didn't they understand indulging in said laughter meant their ultimate demise and defeat? Whatever… Adam and the others would pay now, NERV had served their purpose perfectly.
As she drove away, the sounds of a massive explosion was music to her ears.
Adam snorted, seeing the various air carriers come into view. He knew what this meant.
"The real fight is just beginning," he stated, the Transformers dropping to the ground. A series of cars, jet aircraft, helicopters and…
One big red fire truck… Optimus Prime.
Somehow, as if God had a twisted sense of humor, the 'Transformers' music was playing in the background. They stood united… a gigantic army capable of overcoming any odd, and against them… just three Humangelions.
The assortment of robots charged at the Humangelions, preparing to launch an inescapable barrage of lasers, missiles, and the standard affair you'd find on such robots.
CRUNCH!
"You know…" Israfel said as she lounged around in a chair, "Maybe they shouldn't have been built to be the same size as the vehicles they were based on…"
"Well, that was kinda anti-climactic…" Zeruel shook his head in sorrow. He had expected something… harder… "It's as almost as if…"
"As if what?" she asked.
He bolted upright, running down the hall, "As if this was all just a distraction!"
"Try to pictograph your way out of this, bitch!" NERV 0 growled as Sandolphon and Adam hung upside down from the ceiling of his office, the two of them looking at horror at her…
It just couldn't be…
"Eve…" Adam whispered in horror, his psychotic and sadistic wife that had been presumed dead for years now standing in front of him. "But… that banana peel and everything…"
"I fell into LCL, Adam… not acid. A janitor fished me out of there half an hour later. Yet I realized then just how stupid you were… and the fact I saw Randolphon consoling you and actually expressing care for you completely disgusted me! It was then that my long and elaborate evil scheme that was fraught with so many points of failure I have practically no chance of succeeding was born! And look at me now! I manipulated world governments and got away with it all!"
"MOM?" Sachiel shouted from behind her. Eve turned, shocked at seeing her son standing there… along with Arael, Lilith, Material, and off in the corner, Israfel taking notes and trying to not look conspicuous.
Eve gulped… she had expected at least a few more minutes for them to realize what had happened and get through security… this really shot most of her plans down the drain. Then again… she quickly pointed a pistol at Adam. "When somebody here moves, the Bastard gets it."
She hadn't expected for everybody to just burst out laughing at her.
"No problem!" Arael said happily, "I already called the Deus Ex Machina service for this situation…"
"What?"
Suddenly, said steamroller from a few paragraphs ago suddenly dropped right on her as Dio Brando, the infamous villain from "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" stood on top, laughing sadistically before screaming out "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" and vanishing… Eve reduced to a 2-D evildoer.
"Anti-climaxes are fun," Lilith said with a hint of happiness to her voice as she started walking away.
"Indeed. Come on, Material… I wanna try some new things out," Israfel added, grabbing her boyfriend and dragging him, kicking and screaming, out of the room.
"Count us in on that too!" Arael shouted out, smiling as she saddled up to Sachiel and gave him her very best puppy-dog eyes to entice him to join in on the fun. He reluctantly slumped down in humiliation for giving in.
Zeruel just stared at Sandolphon and Adam hanging from the ceiling before walking off, muttering something about 'finally getting something done around here.'
He made sure to turn the lights off.
"Adam?"
"Yes, Sandolphon?"
"I hate our associates."
…
"Wanna play 20 Questions?"
"Sure… is the answer sword-chucks?"
"DAMMIT!"
A/N: And thus… I finish this the only way I can think how… via self-destruction. Seppuken for the win, baby!