32Disclaimer: Good Lord, what IS it with me and these song-alteration one-shots lately? Ah well, you know you love it. Please don't kill me for not posting the next chapters of my other stories yet, they'll be up soon. Anyhoo, so yeah…I need money, but I sure as hell can't get any from the ownership of Harry Potter or the song "Money (That's What I Want)" by Barrett Strong…cause I don't own them. Duh.
Dedication: This insane little creation goes out first and foremost to Tygrressatheart, the mic rula and the old schoola. Also, this is for all my fellow R/H shippers (like the fabulicious Miss A. LaRosa)out there who are faithful reviewers and just love how I spin Ron and Hermione's wacked but wonderful relationship.
Money…Or Is It 'Mione'?
Ronald Weasley was not a man of eloquence under pressure. This would sufficiently explain why every time he attempted to confess his feelings to his best friend (and long-time crush), Hermione Granger, he just couldn't seem to get up the nerve. His complexion would resemble that of a fresh tomato plucked from the garden of a pot-bellied Italian man's disgruntled wife, his throat would go dryer than Snape's last sexual encounter, his heart would start swing-dancing with his left lung, and…well, you get the picture. Point is, the boy got nervous as shit and started babbling like an idiot every time he tried to tell her!
Lucky for our dear ickle Ronniekins, his best friend was THE Harry Potter! Yes, that's right, The-Boy-Who-Ain't-Goin'-Out-Like-Some-Punk-So-You-Death-Eaters-Had-Best-Recognize. Anyhoo, everybody's favorite scarhead had just the solution for his poor pathetic freckled Weasel—er, Weasley. Music! Can there possibly be a better way to finally confess your love than with some sort of magically-enhanced display of sight and sound? I submit that there can NOT! And so, Harry wasted no time in gobbling down his thirty-seventh Chocolate Frog, running full-speed to the Gryffindor common room, and tackling Ron to the ground. Literally.
"HIYA, RONZIE!" squealed Harry as he clambered onto Ron's stomach like a newborn lamb.
Ron sputtered loudly before glaring daggers up at Harry. "HARRY! What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Baaaaaaaa? Er, I mean, whaaaaaaat? I'm about to tell you my ingenious fail-safe plan for how to finally win Hermybuns' wittle heart!" said Harry, green eyes sparkling with rapturous glee. Or maybe it was the added sugar from all those Frogs. Either way, his eyes were sparklin' up a storm, dammit!
"Harry! Not so loud! D'you want everyone to hear that I—did you just say…Hermybuns?" Ron inquired, cocking a flaming eyebrow in confusion. He then noticed that his eyebrow was on fire, screamed, and smacked it out.
Harry rolled his eyes impatiently. "Yes, but never mind that. What I'm trying to say is that I've got a plan!"
"Really?"
"Yes indeedily-do! Want to hear it?"
"Er, sure, but there's just one thing first, Harry…"
"What's that?"
"WILL YOU GET OFF MY BLOODY STOMACH?"
"Sorry!" Harry gracefully back-flipped off of Ron. A random second-year held up a card that read 9.5 as she walked by.
Ron stood up, checked himself to make sure that no other body parts were on fire, then cast a wary eye over at his chocolate-crazed friend. Harry deftly caught Ron's eye, which happened to be made of glass, and tossed it back. The redhead slapped it back in his skull and then looked at Harry. "So…what's the plan?"
Harry giggled like a Jamaican steamboat. "I propose a magical musical extravaganza!" he said, striking a sexy pose.
"What are you on about? I can't sing to save my life!" said Ron.
"Ho-ho! But that is the beauty of it! For we are wizards and we have…" prompted Harry.
"Hemorrhoids?"
"Close, but no. Magic!" said Harry, wiggling his fingers for added effect.
Ron thought a moment. "Right, so how is music and magic going to help me tell Hermybu-Hermione how I feel about her?"
Harry sat Indian-style on the ground and levitated. "Come with me, you must. Teach you the ways of the Jedi, I will…"
Ron's blue eyes widened. "Okay…what's a Jedi and how are you doing that?"
"You'd be surprised what you can do after thirty-seven Chocolate Frogs, young Skyweasel," said Harry calmly, although his left eye was twitching. "Now listen up, here's what we're gonna do…"
That evening at dinner, Ron was quite the nervous little rooster. After Harry changed him back with a quick Ferraverto (seeing as he was showing Neville the proper way to Transfigure people into animals), he sat there contemplating Harry's "brilliant" plan in his mind.
"I dunno about this, Harry, I mean what if I mess up? Or what if she doesn't feel the same way? Or what if—"
"Aw Rohnf, wiwl youf fhtop worrin? Ah hafvf i ahl tayhkn caohf!" interrupted Harry with his mouth full, spraying bits of mashed potato all over the redhead's face.
Ron wiped himself off and shot a very dirty look in the other boy's direction.
"OW! Ron, that dirty look hit my neck, you wanker!" cried Harry, feeling his neck for a wound. "I'm not getting an infection just cause somebody doesn't know how to properly clean his eyeballs!"
"Sorry." Ron mumbled.
"As I was saying earlier, will you stop worrying? I have it all taken care of! It's gonna be great, I promise."
"Okay, but if this doesn't work—"
"I know, I know, 'I shall incur the almighty wrath of your filthiest, most disgusting looks and pestilence will devour my soul'. It's a risk I'm willing to take!" chortled Harry, biting the head off of his thirty-ninth Chocolate Frog.
Ron raised a non-flaming eyebrow at Harry. "Actually, I was going to say 'if this doesn't work, you can find me in the second-floor girls' bathroom crying with Moaning Myrtle for the rest of the school year', but yours is loads better."
Harry grinned widely, then frowned. "Hey, where is Hermione anyway?"
"Haven't seen her since the end of Potions today," said Ron, shrugging.
Suddenly and quite conveniently, Hermione ran into the Great Hall and slammed down into the seat next to Ron, startling him and making Harry jump sideways, which in turn caused poor Neville to go flying face-first into his boiling hot soup.
"OH THE UNBEARABLE PAIN!...hi, Hermione. Nice to see you. SWEET MERLIN, IT'S SEEPING INTO MY RETINAS!" screamed Neville, now sprinting blindly down the length of the Gryffindor table as he tried to make his way to the nurse's office.
The trio (along with many other students) stared after the helpless victim for a moment or two, then returned to their normal activities as if nothing had occurred. Dinnertime progressed in the usual way until Ron's cheeks tomato-fied when he and Hermione accidentally brushed hands while reaching for the same roll.
"Ron, why have your cheeks turned into tomatoes? Did someone cast a Visagium Lycopersicae spell on you? I'm sure I know the counter-curse, hold still!" cried Hermione, whipping out her magic stick…er, wand.
"Augh!" Ron yelled, before diving under the table to hide his garden-fresh deformity. "Harry, help me!"
Harry polished off his forty-second Frog before standing and raising a chocolate-smeared finger in the air. "The time has come, the walrus said!"
Under normal circumstances, everyone would have thought Harry was completely off his rocker (even though he was after all those damn Frogs). Instead however, the population of the Great Hall quieted and turned to face the staff table at the head of the room. Dumbledore nodded once, indicating that he had gotten the message from Harry, and waved his wand. Two mild explosions and a dazzling flash of light later, the entire faculty of Hogwarts along with their table had vanished, leaving the raised platform completely empty.
"Well, here goes nothing…" whispered Mr. Tomato Head...er, Ron, peeking out from under the other side of the table.
Harry grinned down at his best friend like a madman. "SHOWTIME AT THE APOLLO!" he shouted, pointing his wand in turn at Ron, Dean, and Seamus.
Another blinding flash swept the hall. Ron was now on the platform at the head of the room, although now it looked much more like a Muggle stage. A piano, guitar, drums, and four microphones materialized, along with cool sunglasses for a mercifully de-tomatofied Ron. Harry ran up to the stage, quickly thrust the guitar into his hands and took his place at the piano while Dean and Seamus appeared next to their microphones.
"Oopsies, almost forgot!" said Harry, putting two fingers in his mouth and whistling loudly. At this signal, Neville came scampering back into the room looking quite unscathed except for a couple of mild chicken noodle burns. He ran over to the drums and gave Harry the thumbs-up.
The raven-haired boy turned to his fellow students-turned-audience and spoke into his mic. "Hogwarts, are you ready to rock?"
A barely audible murmur swept the crowd.
"EYE SAID R U READY 2 FUKKIN ROXXORZ LYK OMFG?"
Terrified applause and cheers rang throughout the hall.
Harry smiled sweetly. "That's what I thought, bitches. Now then…Cantus Amoralis Jazztastico!"
With a final swish of Harry's wand, the show was ready to begin. Ron found himself playing the guitar effortlessly and his mind racing with the altered lyrics of a song he'd learned just that afternoon. He saw Hermione's puzzled but smiling face among the multitude, making his heart thump in time to the bluesy rhythm.
(A/N: Parentheses represent Dean and Seamus singing back-up)
The best things in life are free
But there's a girl I know just right for me
I need 'Mione (she's…what he wants)
She's what I want, yeah (she's…what he wants)
She's what I waaaaaaaaant (she's…what he wants)
She's what I want (she's what he wants)
Her love would give me such a thrill
Every dream of mine, she fulfills
I need 'Mione (she's…what he wants)
She's what I want (she's…what he wants)
She's what I waaaaaaaaant (she's…what he wants)
She's what I want (she's what he wants)
'Mione, you're my everything, it's true
That's why I'm singin' this song for you
Come on 'Mione (you're…what he wants)
You're what I want (you're…what he wants)
You're what I waaaaaaaaant (you're…what he wants)
You're what I want (you're what he wants)
'Mione…only 'Mione
A whole lotta 'Mione
Uh-huh (she's…what he wants)
Uh-huh, yeaaaaaaah, uh-huh (she's…what he wants)
Give me 'Mione
All I need
Nothin' but 'Mione
Uh-huh, yeaaaaaaah, uh-huh (she's…what he wants)
She's what I want (she's what he wants)
(Music fades out)
The ragtag band ended the song to thunderous applause and cheers (partly because they didn't want to witness the chocolate-induced wrath of Harry again), but Ron's only concern was the reaction of the person he'd just sung about. His eye landed on her face, and she threw it back to him while making her way tearfully up to the stage.
Needless to say, Ron was alarmed when he saw her crying. "Mione, what's the matter? I'm really sorry my eye hit you!"
"No, it's not that! Why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?" said Hermione thickly.
"Cause…cause I didn't think you fancied me the same way," admitted Ron, taking off his sunglasses. "I mean, it's all right if you don't, we can still be best friends and everything, it's just that I was kind of hoping you might—"
Hermione cut him off by placing a finger to his lips. "Do stop babbling and kiss me, won't you?"
Ron gave her a flabbergasted look, but slowly wrapped his arms around her waist and gently pressed his lips to hers. After a few seconds of bliss, he pulled back and stared down at her. "Er, so this means you…"
Hermione rolled her dark eyes and grinned. "Yes, you idiot, I love you too. I have since third year."
"Glass eye and all?"
"Glass eye and all." she confirmed. Ron beamed and kissed her again.
"HEY! Aren't you going to ask how we pulled this whole thing off?" interrupted Harry, striking yet another sexy pose.
Hermione cleared her throat. "You explained your plan to Ron in the common room knowing that I was going to be in the library studying for my Ancient Runes test until dinnertime. After Ron was filled in, you two quickly went around to all the Gryffindors in sight telling them the gist of what was going to be happening and instructing them to go and tell all their friends in other Houses to expect a live music show tonight. You also obviously took Dean, Seamus and Neville aside and informed them of their parts. By the way, Neville, that was quite a clever bit with the soup. I was completely fooled."
Neville smiled. "Thanks, my gran always said I was a pretty good actor when it came to food-related topics."
"Anyway," Hermione continued, turning back to Harry. "You then went to Dumbledore's office and told him about it. He, of course, agreed to help out because he probably knew about me and Ron's mutual attraction toward each other before we even realized it ourselves. All you had to do afterward was show up to dinner and wait for the appropriate time to start the magic. Did I get everything?"
"As usual," said Harry, not surprised in the least.
Hermione smirked. "Pays to be an 'insufferable know-it-all' sometimes…"
Ron chuckled. Together he and Hermione walked hand-in-hand back to their table to finish what had become the most memorable dinner of their young lives. Harry walked back to the piano and struck up a slow ballad as his forty-sixth Chocolate Frog dangled halfway out of his mouth.
Hope you enjoyed it! Reviews will most likely make me realize that I need to get my lazy ass back to finishing the next chapters of my work-in-progress stories! Thank you, good night, and don't forget to tip your waiters.