Disclaimer: Resident Evil, and all characters thereof are property of Capcom.


We all know the story of what Jill Valentine was doing in Raccoon City during the T-Virus incident, but I ask, what. What were the other characters doing while Raccoon was going to hell in an evil zombie death virus outbreak?

So now, it is with great honor, that I bring you the first part of that answer. The tale of…

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly…

"Nicholai!" A UBCS member wearing a long sleeved red shirt yelled.

"Yes, vhat is it Ensign Ricky?" Nicholai sighed, placing his hand on his forehead. Nicholai had hand-picked his cannon fodder to ensure no one stood a chance of finding out his horrible secret, but Hell, it was annoying talking to them.

"I do believe that the entire city is drunk!".

"Urrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh…" Cried a bunch more zombies. (Delicious mercenaries. Mmmmmmmmmm…).

"Vell then, make ze people zome coffee.".

"Uh, Nich?" Said our Hispanic friend.

"Vhat?".

"Uh, I think ensign Ricky is an idiot. Their rotting skin, that blank stare they have, their unintelligible moaning. Nicholai, I think we just arrived at a comic book convention…".

"Or ze could be zombies.".

"How do we tell?".

Pondering the best course of action to determine the specific variety of the herd of shambling idiot beasts, Nicholai yelled."Hey kids! Look over zere, it's Jar Jar Binks!".

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww…". (Delicious Mercenaries…).

"Hmmm… nope, not a zingle comment about how the originals were better zen ze prequels… must be zombies…".

"Ah. So. We run now, right?".

"Yep.".

And so, with a shout of "Run Away!", Carlos, Nicholai, and a few extra cannon fodder easily escaped the zombies. Unfortunately for them, they forgot to warn Ensign Ricky.

"Oh, hi guys…" Our hapless Umbrella flunky said, holding out a pitcher of coffee. "Who wants some-arrrrrrgggghhhhhh my arms! Jesus Christ on a moped! Owwwwww!".

So, as the helpless man was torn apart by the ravaging undead, Oliveira, Ginovaef, and friends had escaped. "So, sir, whaddaya think we should do now?" Carlos said, hefting his assault rifle.

"I say ve split up. You, Ensign Jimmy, and Murphy go down zat dark, foreboding alleyway vere creepy moaning is coming from, and I'll take ze rest of ze cannon fodder down zat well lit city street.".

"Sounds like a plan." Obviously, Carlos was striving to win the gold in the total idiot category, even with stiff competition like Chris Redfield, Albert Wesker, Secret Agent HUNK, and Blinky the superzombie.

Of course, he was commanded by a guy who runs into a town that he knows is zombie infested, but goes in with just a nine millimeter handgunand a knife. Yeah, I'm gonna have to say Nicholai was the odds-on favorite for that award.

Carlos and his cannon fodder soon ran into a crazy-looking, wild eyed woman. "Hello." Carlos half said, half asked. "Who are you?".

The woman stared at him for a while, then opened her mouth "My name is Alice. I remember everything.".

"O-kaaaaaaaaaay…". Turning to Ensign Jimmy, he whispered "Either she's stoned or in shock. Watch a master at charming women work his magic.". He returned his glance to Alice, and said "Listen, we're with the Umbrella Corporation, we're hear to help you civilians…".

-wumph!-

Obviously, saying the word "Umbrella" to an insane chick in skimpy clothes will get you a kick to the crotch. As Carlos was doubled over, Alice hopped over him and proceeded to run.

"Uh, Corporal Oliveira?" Ensign Jimmy asked.

"Yeah?".

"Should we have tried to stop her?".

"Stopping someone who just nailed your superior officer in his groin is usually standard operating procedure. God. I hope I'm not the last of the Oliveiras.".

"So we shouldn't have let her run down the street?".

"No.".

"Whoops.".

Eventually Carlos managed to pick himself up and he and his men headed off in the general direction of Alice. She was busy punching random zombies in the face.

"Grrrrrraaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwww…" RZ 32 stated. (She's punching me.)

"Raaawwwrrrrrr…" RZ 99 moaned. (Quit whining. Doesn't it take like, what, half a clip of handgun ammo to kill us? What's she trying to do? I mean, if the best control of our motor functions is 'idiot shambling', I think she'd figure we lack the nervous system necessary to be hurt by kung fu.).

"Brrrraaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinssssssssssss…" RZ 8492 gurgled. (Shut up. I knew I shouldn't have zombified a med school student. Stupid smart guy. Anyways, I find this kinda funny. Man, kung fu on zombies. What next, is she gonna try and kick Nemmy's ass? I'd pay to see that fight.).

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!

"Uurrrggggh…" (Fucking mercenaries… mmmmmm… mercenaries).

And so, after saving Alice from dying like a complete ass, Carlos and his team of cannon fodder proceeded to watch her try and run up a wall, fail and then ackwardly leap over a fence.

"Okay… so, a crazy girl, dressed in the fashion of a prostitute, trying to kill zombies with kung fu. What a stupid idea…". That was approximately when a mighty fuckload of zombies, lead by Undead Ensign Ricky, shambled toward the trio.

"Raaaawwwwgggghh…" (Hey guys, I think as a zombie, I could organize some sort of peace agreement between my undead brethren and my old Umbrella warbuddies.).

"Run the fuck away, man!" Murphy yelled, and the trio proceeded to run off in three different directions.

"Grrrrrr…" (I'm so lonely…)

Separated from the group, Carlos eventually stopped by the famous Raccoon City cable car, where he made his historic 'We're all fucked.' speech over his radio.


The tale of Ensign Jimmy…

"Wow, I can't believe how lucky I am to have escaped those zombies." Ensign Jimmy stated, walking down the street, looking back towards the now far behind mob of the undead. Unfortunately, because he wasn't looking where he was going, he walked right over an open manhole.

Ten feet below him, Special Agent Hunk had nearly reached the ladder leading up… out of the sewers. Freedom. I can finally get the Hell out of this town, and to a place with beer…Then, he realized that there was a problem with his escape plan. Aw fuck, I lost that G-virus. Man, those bastards'll kill me if I come back empty handed. So, as he was paused at the ladder, planning to retrace his steps to get another G-Virus sample in order to avoid a .45 caliber seal of disapproval from his bosses, a cannon fodder mercenary fell on top of him. And so, RE's Boba Fett type masked guy and all around rogue was unconscious, yet again.

Not noticing he had just landed on top of a fully armored Umbrella Soldier literally festooned with ammo, herbs, and guns, Ensign Jimmy got up to his feet, shook himself off, and investigate the tunnels.

"Oooooh… aw, what a cute little eel. I think I'll name you Eugene." Ensign Jimmy said, holding a sliding worm he found up by the tail.

Sliding worm 1, already angry because she was the suckiest enemy in the game next to crows, was pissed off at being called a boy's name, and viciously tried to snap at Jimmy.

"Bad Eugene! Don't make me lay the smack down!".

"Skrrreeeeeeeeeeee!" (Daddy! This guy's being mean to me!).

Obviously, what is a pathetic little worm's father? A big fucking gigantic, gargantuan worm. And so, a giant invertebrate named Gravedigger burst through the wall, looking mighty angry. Yeah, he might not have paid child support, but if you messed with one of his hundreds of children, yeah, you were fucked.

"SSSSSSSSKKRAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" (Put my daughter down...)

"Holy Crap!". Thinking a sacrifice would placate the beast, Ensign Jimmy threw Sliding worm 1 into the gaping maw of razor sharp teeth, skewering the poor little bugger.

"Skr-ee –death gurgle-?" (Da-ddy? -death gurgle-) Sliding Worm 1 shrieked, and then all was still. Gravedigger was just standing there, not able to move after what just happened. Thinking his plan had worked, Ensign Jimmy decided that Gravedigger must've been some sort of God.

"All Hail Wormulon! Lord of… uh burrowing in sewers and killing and eating smaller worms!". Obviously, that snapped Gravedigger out of his stupor.

"SSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKAAAAAAAARRRR!" (Jenny? OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?). Bringing his full attention to Ensign Jimmy, the visible upset Gravedigger "SSSSSSSKKKKKKKKRRAAAAARRRR!"ed once again. (You. Stupid. Mother. Fucker.).

And thus, Ensign Jimmy was torn apart by the hellish rows of teeth. And there was much rejoicing.


The tale of Murphy Seeker…

Shall be revealed later, as it is long and contains big words, like "Conflagration" and "Motherfucker".


Back at the cable car, with Señor Zorro… er, Carlos…

"Jesus Christ, zombies everywhere… must shoot them…" Carlos muttered, looking at the hordes of the undead shambling towards him. Yep, he was going crazy.

"In Soviet Russia, Zombies shoot you!" Yet another hilariously overacted Russian Voice said.

"Who the Hell are you?" Carlos demanded.

"I am Mikhail! I am with Umbrella Biohazard Countermeasures Service.".

"Really? So am I! What're the chances?"

"Da, Comrade. My entire squad was viped out.".

"Man, that's quite a coincidence. That's pretty much my story.".

"Rwaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!" (Mmm… mercenaries…)

"Would you please shut up! Man, try to hold a conversation, and nobody can leave you alone.".

"Vell yeah… anyways, that zombie's interruption reminds me, this city kinda has a problem with going to hell in an evil zombie death virus outbreak.".

"Yeah, I know.".

"And knowink is half the battle.".

"I never knew they showed GI Joe in Russia.".

"Eh… anyways, I think I know vat the other half of the battle is.".

"Unadulterated violence?".

"Da.".

"Raaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwrrrrr…" (Aw fuck…)

BOOM!
BLAM!
EXPLOSION/GUNFIRE NOISE!

"You'd think we'd have a harder time beating them with our assault rifles, right? I mean, the entire police force and about 90 percent of the Umbrella mercs are dead.".

"Eh, I take what I can get and don't question the game designer's plans."

"Yeah, but I think Nicholai should be heading this way. He probably heard my radio transmission. He's got a lot of guys following him, so with them we shouldn't have any problems.".

Five minutes later, Nicholai Ginovaef arrived, alone, his uniform smelling slightly of burned-down university.

"Nicholai, where is everyone?".

"Uh, I definitely didn't use them as human shields while I stole the blood of a prototype giant monster bioweapon, shot said bioweapon's creator, and then blew up the university it was created at. Er, I mean, they all fell down a bottomless pit.".

"A bottomless pit?".

"Yes, Carlos. Zis is a videogame. Zere are bottomless pits everyvere. Vait… who's the chubby guy with the funny hat?".

"My name is Mikhail Victor. Tell me comrade, you from Russia?".

"Yes, Moscow. You?"

"Saint Petersburg. USSR for life, man.".

"Vord.".

That's approximately when a burning sign saying "Raccoon City University" fell from the sky and landed on Mikhail.

"Dude, that has to suck.".

"I'm not dead yet.".

"You get to a city sent to Hell in an evil zombie death virus outbreak, and you are mortally vounded vhen a sign, from a University I swear I didn't blow up, falls on top of you. Mikhail, ven you are gone, ve vill miss you.".

"Listen, you stupid fucking assholes! I'm only slightly injured. I am not going die!".

So, after dragging the Ugly to the tram and placing him on a seat, the Good and the Bad decided on their next move.

"I think we should try to find other survivors, sir. I mean, there has to be at least a few civilians left.".

"You know vhat, Carlos? You are absolutely correct. YOU should try to find other survivors.".

"Uh, Nicholai, don't you think we'd have a better chance of surviving if we went together? I mean, it's not like I can take on an entire city full of zombies.".

"You dare question me! Vhen I vas in ze KGB, if ve got our commander's coffee wrong, ve vere shot after a lengthy show trial for treason! Filthy capitalist pig!".

"Uh, sir, we are working for a capitalist enterprise, the Umbrella corporation…".

"Just fucking leave already!".

"Asshole." Carlos muttered as he walked away. God, Nicholai. What an idiot. Let's recap. Trapped in a city with a crazy injured Russian, a crazy Evil Russian, a crazy chick in skimpy clothes, and a hell of a lot of zombies. This sucks.

Then again, there was a chick in skimpy clothes…

Who was totally fucking insane…

Ah well, time to search for survivors. Who knows, maybe I'll run into a scantily clad, hot chick who isn't a complete idiot…

Of course, next chapter he and Jill meet. Eh, two outta three ain't bad.