Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or any of his cohorts. I am merely borrowing them for a spot of mental torture. Mwahahahaha… Also, any and all references to living, breathing, and/or copyrighted characters are probably intentional, but any names (with the exception of Jack Skellington) are used with permission and do not get me any profit. If I didn't get to you, I probably couldn't reach you in time. Don't shoot me, I luffle you all!
A/N: All right, I know you're all wondering: why this particular combination? My answer to that is: why not? I got a very funny image of the Inu-Tachi in a concert band, and it wouldn't go away. But I couldn't think of a good angle with which to plausibly make those guys be good little Band Geeks… so I didn't. —evil grin— I decided to torment them instead. It's such fun to do. And, since I couldn't think of any form of Band Geekdom being complete without my Band Geek friends, I asked them to contribute their names and characters to my story to give me a little help. (You're wonderful, guys, thanks much.:))
Don't worry if I've told you I'll put you in and you don't see yourself yet—I'm trying to space things out, because a bunch of introductions at once just gets long and drawn-out. I'll put you in, I promise! (Ideas, by the way, are appreciated and will be credited to the donor.) Grazie!
Also, if you're wondering whether I'm insane after reading this story, the jury's still out on that one.
Right. On with it!
Inuyasha dubiously eyed the shiny instrument held out to him by the author. "What the fuck is that?"
"It's a trumpet."
"The hell does it do?"
"It makes noise. See?" The author made a pathetic attempt at a brass player's buzz. "Now you try."
"You're shittin' me."
"I am not. Now go on, try it. Pull your lips in like this and buzz."
"You look like a lamebrained fuckin' fish."
"If you don't watch your language I'll sic the Band Geeks on you."
"Like fuck you will," a passing trumpet player replied cheerfully. The author promptly smacked him with a large plastic banana.
"The hell was that for?"
"Because I'm the author and if I say 'sic 'em' you sic."
"Sick is right." The trumpet player backed away, spooked. "Damn clarinet players…"
"Damn straight." The author glared at Inuyasha and shoved the trumpet at him. "Play."
"Author-person," Shippou complained, "I dunno how to do this." He grappled with a pair of crash cymbals bigger than he was. The author sighed and took the cymbals away from him.
"You probably want to start out on this, Shippou-chan." She handed him a triangle. He stared at it, then looked at her in disbelief.
"This isn't an instamerment!"
"Instrument." The author rolled her eyes and gave him a pair of mallets. "How about the bells?"
The kitsune brightened instantly. "Cool!" He jumped up on the bell stand, producing a series of random chimes when he landed. "Awesome…"
The author decided not to question the wisdom of giving him mallets and turned to the rest of the Inu-Tachi, who from the looks on their faces were questioning her sanity as well, though for an entirely different reason.
"You have five seconds to explain this satisfactorily, human," Sesshoumaru told her coldly, eyeing a passing euphonium player warily.
"I can't explain the brass players, because… well, who can?" The author smiled innocently at the inuyoukai's glare. "As for the rest… well, I'm the author, and I've got my own crazy little world, and so I've decided to put you in it! Isn't this gonna be fun?" She clapped her hands and smiled encouragingly.
The others stared at her in flat disbelief. Including some of the other Band Geeks.
Her smile faded. "Everybody's a critic…" she muttered. "Okay, let's try that again: You are all helpless against me and will do exactly as I say if you know what's best for you."
"Or what?" Kouga challenged with a sneer and a flick of his tail.
The author yanked on a suspiciously convenient rope pull, and a curtain at the back of the band room parted with a flourish to reveal…
"Fangirls!" Jaken gasped, horrified.
"As if you've got anything to worry about, frog," Inuyasha muttered, looking very pale. There were five cages stuffed full of giggling, biting, clawing, screaming, bishounen-maddened fangirls, many of them wearing feather boas, white dog ears, furry brown legwarmers, and even red contact lenses.
"What are those, Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin asked nervously, shrinking against Sesshoumaru's leg.
Sesshoumaru didn't reply. He was open-mouthed with horror.
"WE LOVE YOU, SESSHY!" the fangirls screamed.
The taiyoukai shook himself to regain some of his composure, though his face was still whiter than the tail flung over his shoulder.
"You're devious, human girl," Kagura murmured, raising her eyebrows. "But how do you expect to keep all of us under control?" She snapped her fan open. "Not all of us fear fangirls."
"It's the wind witch!" one of the fangirls screamed.
"She's after Fluffy-chan!"
Kagura's eyes widened.
"So much for that thought," Sango commented, keeping a wary eye on the fangirl cages. She looked as if she didn't trust the bars.
Miroku stepped closer to the cages, his hands raised in a placating gesture. There was a general adoring coo. "Ladies," he soothed, "calm yourselves. I am certain that there is plenty to go arou—"
Sango swung Hiraikotsu back behind her shoulder, eyes narrowed. The fangirls yelled insults at her, some of them trying to reach a flattened Miroku with frantic expressions.
"So what exactly did you want us to do?" Kagome sighed resignedly. A few lingering percussionists stared hopefully at her green miniskirt, as if willing it to flip up just a little more.
The author shrugged. "Oh, pretty much whatever I can come up with."
"Shit," Bankotsu muttered. Jakotsu, on the other hand, looked pretty well delighted. He stuck his hand in the air, bouncing up and down.
"Does that include wearing tight band shirts?" He ogled the string bass player, who was indeed wearing a black-and-orange shirt approximately three sizes too small for him with 'Band' emblazoned on the front. The bass player looked uncertain whether to preen or back away from the lipsticked guy.
The author rolled her eyes. "They only come in four sizes, Jakotsu."
"I could take it in for you if you'd like," a flutist chirped, popping up next to Jakotsu and smiling brilliantly. Jakotsu frowned at her, then pouted becomingly at the bass player. It didn't work.
"Okay, I guess that brings me to my next point," the author broke in. "Band shirts and band pants." She pointed to boxes lined up at the front of the band room. "Go find your size."
Miroku, having recovered, raised his eyebrows at Sango and wiggled them. "May I offer you assistance…?"
She rolled her eyes and smacked him. He grinned through the red mark when she wasn't looking.
"You're forgetting something," Caitlin told the author helpfully.
"Oh!" The author smacked her forehead. "Stop right there, guys! I forgot to introduce you to my friends!"
"I have no desire to acquaint myself with your lunatic compatriots, human," Naraku said icily.
The author grinned at him. "I think you do."
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm giving them pseudo-author powers."
Inuyasha spluttered. "You can't do that!"
"I'm the author. I can do whatever I want, puppy ears." She rubbed his ears for emphasis. Inuyasha yelped and yanked away.
Kagome turned angry red. "Hey, you can't do that! That's my territory!"
Everybody looked at her.
She turned redder. "Um… that is…"
"Keh," Inuyasha muttered, his face even redder than hers.
"Ooo-kay, back to the subject," the author decided, still grinning broadly at having gotten to rub Inuyasha's ears. "These are my seconds-in-command, and they will be obeyed unless I say not to. They can also help you if they feel like being nice, but I don't know why they'd want to do that."
"Because we're nice people?" Josh supplied.
"Well, but it's so much more fun to be not nice."
"There is that," he conceded.
"So." The author clapped her hands and indicated a petite blonde Band Geek in the group behind her. "This is Caitlin. She plays flute, piccolo, and brass and drums whenever she can practice them."
Caitlin waved, smiling. "Can I rub Inuyasha's ears?"
"You don't have a choice," the author reminded him.
Caitlin rubbed Inuyasha's ears. "Oooooooh…"
Inuyasha tried very hard not to look as if he were enjoying himself. Kagome steamed behind him.
"This is Josh," the author continued, gesturing toward a Band Geek with long brown hair, black socks, and sandals. "He plays every brass instrument known to man, plus piano and a little bit of everything else."
"Not well," Josh reminded her.
"He's also mostly right about everything but that," the author continued without stopping. "Say hello."
Josh sighed and bowed a little to the Inu-Tachi. "Pleased to meet you."
"A human who shows proper respect," Kagura noted.
"Hardly," Naraku sneered. "Proper respect would be genuflection."
Josh frowned thoughtfully at the black-haired man. "You'd be the villain, wouldn't you?"
"No shit," Kouga muttered.
The author smacked him with her music folder. "Be nice. He doesn't read the manga."
"Do you mind if I pick your brains a bit?" Josh continued. "It'd be interesting to analyze your motivations."
Naraku blinked. "…Really?"
The evil hanyou looked honestly flattered. "I suppose."
"Moving on," the author encouraged, going to the third Band Geek. "This is Taylor. He plays percussion, mostly bells."
Taylor gazed in horror at the instrument Shippou had recently been playing. "What have you done to my vibraphone!"
Jakotsu perked up. "Did somebody say vibrate?"
"I think I'm going to be ill," Kikyou muttered, glaring at him.
The kitsune concentrated on looking innocent. "Who, me?"
Taylor looked down at Shippou, nonplussed. "What are you?"
"A youkai." Shippou puffed his small body up as far as pride would let him.
"Quick vocab lesson," the author interrupted. "Youkai are demons, hanyou are half-demons, taijiya are demon slayers, houshi are monks, miko are priestesses, inu means dog, kitsune is fox, and they're all from the Sengoku Jidai, which is basically the feudal era in Japan."
Taylor blinked. "Run that by me again…?"
"Listen better next time." The author pointed at a fourth Band Geek, brunette with her hair in chopsticks and orange flip-flops on her feet. "This is Quinn. She plays bassoon."
"Also called a farting bedpost," Quinn volunteered, waving.
"And she's very ladylike."
Quinn hawked and spat.
Shippou spat too, but not as far.
Rin spat farther than Shippou.
Hakkaku and Ginta spat in unison, and grinned.
Quinn gave them all thumbs-up. "We're gonna get along just fine."
"Looks like it," the author said genially. The Inu-Tachi just stared, except for Jaken, who had been Hakkaku and Ginta's target and was thus stuck to the floor. The author waved vaguely at a final Band Geek, also blonde and wearing a Jack Skellington beanie. "This is Erin. She plays oboe and drums, and she's my sister, so—"
"Dear gods, there are two of them?" Sesshoumaru muttered.
"—be nice, because she likes big fuzzy animals."
"With three heads," Erin added. She smiled very brightly, the glint audible. "I have connections."
"I don't even wanna know…" Kouga muttered, looking spooked.
"Can I help?" Kelsey asked, popping up from behind Erin.
The author blinked at her. "You're not a Band Geek…"
"I can be a lackey! Pretty please?"
"Erm… well, what can you do?"
"I can do hair!" She bounced forward and grabbed Naraku's hair. "You need to brush this!"
"Aaugh!" Naraku tried to run, but Kelsey's grip was surprisingly strong. Also, she'd accidentally kicked him in the shins.
"She's a goalie, did I mention?"
Naraku glared at the author. "I will destroy you if anything becomes of my hair."
"Ooh, a braid!" Kelsey released Naraku and seized Bankotsu's braid. "Wow, it's long. How long have you been growing this? Can I play with it?"
Bankotsu sent a pleading look to no one in particular.
The author nodded decisively, then turned to the Band Geeks. "All right, Kelsey, you're in. Now. You guys' mission: to get everybody outfitted with shirts, pants, and instruments."
"What about music?" Caitlin asked.
The author shrugged, grinning. The other five Band Geeks winced. "Ooooh…"