Disclaimer: I'm torturing them sadistically both physically and mentally, but sadly it doesn't amount to ownership.
A/N: Yeesh, it's like I dropped off the face of the earth. Kinda accurate, I guess: spell it F-I-N-A-L-S. Gomen—Bio majors have no life. Meh. Also, to everybody who asked for a cameo in this—don't worry if you're not in it yet, I can't put everybody in at the same time and give you proper attention! Be patient! Grazie, all. :D
Also, shout-out to Dark Darianna Minanino, for giving me a kick in the pants when I needed it. :D
"Well, get to it!" The author clapped her hands and shooed them off.
Jakotsu immediately zipped towards Taylor. "I think I need help with my pants." He batted his eyes.
Taylor blinked, looked at the lipstick, and visibly weighed his options.
"Sorryotherpeopleneedhelpgottarun!" He put several groups of people between himself and Jakotsu.
"Playing hard to get," Jakotsu mused. "I can live with that."
"So, what's your pant size?" Caitlin asked Kanna.
Kanna stared blankly at her.
"One? Zero?" Caitlin tried.
"I know you can talk. I've heard you. Read you. Whatever."
"I'll dip you in pink paint until you answer me!"
"Give me a size twenty."
Caitlin's eyebrows rose. "Okay…" She rifled through the hangers. "The smallest size is a thirty."
"Take them to Inuyasha," Miroku suggested from the shirt boxes.
"He's been shredding the pants anyway, he might as well do a little tailoring."
"Oh, for—!" Caitlin dropped Kanna's pants and ran for the inu hanyou.
"These things are fuckin' stupid!"
"They're also stupidly expensive!" Caitlin snatched a half-mangled pair of orange-striped band pants away from Inuyasha. "And you don't have any money!"
"There's always the non-monetary option," the author offered, grimacing at the state of the pants.
"Oooh…" Caitlin's eyes went slightly vacant, a rather lascivious smile twitching her mouth upwards. Inuyasha began to look slightly nervous.
The author rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers in front of the other girl's nose. "Mind out of the gutter. If anybody's gonna have a dirty mind around here, it's gonna be me."
"Why do you get all the fun?" Caitlin pouted.
"Because I'm the author."
"Can't you share?"
The author considered for a moment, then grinned. "Why not."
Every male within earshot shivered involuntarily.
Erin grinned up at Sesshoumaru. "I like your tail."
Sesshoumaru glared uncertainly at her hat. "What manner of evil symbol are you wearing, human spawn?"
She scowled at him. "Cute or not, you can't insult Jack."
"You name your apparel?"
"You name your swords."
"That is different."
"True," she conceded. "Your swords are not soft and huggable."
"I am getting out of here while I still retain my sanity." He turned to go, and abruptly changed into a fluffy white lapdog.
"Whoa," Erin said, staring at the finger with which she'd pointed at Sesshoumaru. "This author-power stuff is cool!"
Sesshoumaru yelped and piddled on the floor.
Rin trotted over, curious. "What's that, author-helper-person?"
"This?" Erin picked up a hysterically yipping Sesshoumaru. "This is a puppy. His name is Fluffy. Do you want to hold him?"
"Oooh, soft." Rin petted Sesshoumaru, then rubbed his ears. Sesshoumaru whimpered helplessly. "Fluffy's cute!"
"I think so too," Erin agreed innocently.
"This is indecent," Kikyou complained. "The entire leg is visible! You cannot expect us to wear these."
Kouga, standing nearby, very visibly did not comment.
"It's not out of the ordinary here," Josh told the miko patiently. "Everybody else will be wearing them. That's the point."
Kouga's noncomments were even louder. The expression on his face indicated a great deal of happiness with the situation.
Kikyou eyed Josh haughtily. "You cannot possibly convince me that every woman in this room will submit to wearing th—" She was interrupted by a stream of female Band Geeks coming back from the changing room, all dressed in band pants.
"Just put them on," Josh coaxed.
"Kagome's wearing them," Kouga finally added, his tone somewhere between bliss and doing cartwheels around the room.
Kikyou's eyes narrowed, darting towards Inuyasha, who had been persuaded to stop shredding his pants. Then she glanced at Kagome, who was now selecting a shirt, wearing the band pants, and sneaking peeks at Inuyasha's half-off haori.
Grumbling under her breath, the miko took the pants.
"Where are you going?" Taylor inquired of Miroku.
The monk stopped. "To change."
Taylor raised an eyebrow at him. "Did you clear this with the author?"
"No, he didn't," the author said, raising an identical eyebrow.
Miroku blinked. "Well then, where am I to change?"
Taylor and the author exchanged a look. Identical evil grins spread across their faces.
"Here," they chorused.
Miroku looked from one to the other, then shrugged, acquiring an evil grin of his own. "All right." He strolled away from the door, whistling.
The author and Taylor blinked at each other. "Somehow I think we've been had…"
"Not that I would mind," Taylor added after a moment. The author smacked him with a passing sax player's hat.
"Hey! What was that for?"
"To remind you that this fic can't go over an R rating."
"I can't believe I found two more humans just like the bouzu," Inuyasha muttered.
"What makes you think we're the only ones?"
Taylor rubbed Inuyasha's ears.
"Will you fucking quit it! What the hell is with you fuckers and molesting my fucking ears!"
"I couldn't help it," Taylor shrugged, wearing a big grin.
The author rubbed Inuyasha's ears. The hanyou ran screaming across the room.
The author slapped Taylor's raised hand. "Oh yeah."
"How long before he snaps, d'you think?"
"Prob'ly long enough for a half dozen more rubs each."
"I can live with that."
"Can I have my hat back?" the sax player asked plaintively.
Kelsey wrinkled her nose at Jaken. "You're smelly and you have no hair." She bounced up to Kouga. "But you have a ponytail! Can I play with it?"
Kouga was already backing away. "No!"
"I won't cut it."
"And I've got some really pretty barrettes from my little sister."
Kelsey stamped her foot. "Come back here!"
Kouga zipped back toward her, a look of horror on his face.
"Better." Kelsey grinned. The wolf youkai whimpered.
"Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue?" Quinn wanted to know.
Bankotsu eyed her uncertainly. "I don't know."
"Wanna try?" She held up a bowl of cherries.
"Oooh, I'll try!" Jakotsu popped a cherry in his mouth.
Bankotsu took a cherry. In exactly fifteen seconds he pulled out a neatly knotted cherry stem.
"That's gotta be a record," Quinn said, staring.
"Aren't you talented," Jakotsu muttered, his mouth full of stubbornly untied cherry stem.
"You'd know, wouldn't you?" Bankotsu tucked the tied stem into Jakotsu's hair clip and walked back toward the band shirts.
"Guess this means I've got competition for the position of President in the Talented With Their Mouths Club," Quinn sighed.
Jakotsu perked. "There's a club?"
"Whaddaya do to get in?"
"First tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue."
"You're cruel," he pouted.
Hakkaku and Ginta were fighting.
"I saw it first!"
"I grabbed it first!"
"I hit you first!"
"I rebounded first!"
"Guys!" The author came to see whether it would be more entertaining to break them up or let them kick the schnit out of each other. "What's the problem here?"
"The last large t-shirt," Josh sighed. "At least, it was."
Hakkaku and Ginta proceeded to kick the schnit out of each other. Hayley came out of the back locker room, watched them for a moment, then tripped them both.
The author blinked. "Er, hi. You're a bit late."
Hayley grinned. "But I'm here, so the party can begin."
"I had wondered why I was suddenly saying 'schnit.'"
"Is it annoying you yet?"
"Give it time."
Quinn high-fived Hayley. "All right. Back in business."
The author wondered whether she might live to regret this. "The pseudo-author power positions are filled, I'm afraid."
"Awww…" Hayley pulled a llama face.
"…But I'm sure we can always use more annoya—tortu—friendly faces," the author added after a moment of thorough consideration.
Hayley brightened. "Like this?" She made a 'friendly' face. Shiny glass cracked from sheer pique somewhere. Naraku visibly paled.
"That'll do it," the author nodded.
"What are we gonna do about the t-shirts?" Ginta wanted to know.
The author raised her eyebrows. "You'll just have to wear smaller sizes."
All the males looked at her in horror. Except Jakotsu, who squealed "YES!" and did a victory dance.
"Or we could give you some of the old jackets."
"Jackets," Inuyasha said promptly.
"Are you sure…?" Caitlin asked hesitantly.
"What's wrong with the band jackets?" Josh asked her indignantly.
"You do realize that the hat goes with it?"
The senior band geeks muffled snickers. Inuyasha's ears twitched reflexively. "What hat?"
The author sent a random clarinet player to go get band jackets and hats for the guys. "Everybody else find their stuff okay?"
"Fluffy-chan needs one," Rin piped up, holding up the lapdog. Sesshoumaru widdled on the floor again.
"Bad Fluffy!" Erin flicked his nose.
The author blinked. "Fluffy-chan…?"
Erin sneezed loudly. It sounded like "feather boa."
"Someone's thinking of you," Rin suggested, tugging on Erin's pants.
The lapdog yapped. Inuyasha snorted with laughter. "Didn't know he could swear."
Erin swatted Sesshoumaru on the head. "Bad Fluffy!"
Josh blinked. "You can understand dogs?"
"Yeh—no." Inuyasha scowled. "What, you stupid?"
The lapdog yapped again. Inuyasha bristled. "Hey!"
"What in God's name are those?" Kagura asked, staring as the clarinet player returned, only half-visible under a tower of very odd boxes.
"Hats," Taylor said, grinning.
"There's no hole for your head," Hakkaku noted. Everybody stared at him for a moment. He didn't appear to notice.
"Hat boxes," Josh corrected finally.
Kagura opened one, and held up the hat in disbelief. "What the hell?"
Jakotsu fainted dead away. Miroku and Kouga yelped. Inuyasha yelled, "Aw, fuck no!"
"You are such babies," Quinn tutted.
"I did warn you," said the author.
"There is no way in hell I'm wearing that!" Kouga snarled.
"Too bad, you have to if you're wearing the jackets."
"You could always go shirtless," Kelsey suggested.
The fangirls squealed. So did Jakotsu, who had miraculously revived.
Miroku bowed. "If my adoring fans ins—"
Sango clonked him with Hiraikotsu.
"Jackets," the author said firmly.
"And no changing in the changing rooms," Taylor reminded them. Inuyasha growled.
The March Queen walked into the band room and scowled. "Where are your band shoes!"
Everyone looked guiltily down at their feet.
"Welcome to Band Camp," Quinn said wryly, scuffing her orange flip-flops.
A/N: Because this way the little blue button is right there—Please Feed The Author; she lives off reviews.