Can you pinpoint the exact moment in your life when you made the mistake that you knew would chomp at your ass for the rest of you life? I know when I made my ass-chomping mistake. It was about 3 and a half years ago. It took place in the same place I'm standing now. This now vacant building that was once a grand plaza, this balcony. This was where I refused you. This is the place where you got on your knees and took my hand in yours. You, in your black and white tuxedo with your tousled mousy hair, kissed my hand gently. You pulled out that ting crushed velvet box and opened it. Your eyes were so lovingly imploring. Would I be yours till death do us part?
I messed up. I wanted to say yes. My whole heart screamed yes and started flying around my chest. I pulled you off your knees and kissed you. You smelled so good. Just like evergreen only not as strong. When I broke our kiss I backed away. Was this what I wanted? You were so happy and your normally icy eyes melted to reveal a sunny warm pool, but I dashed it. I shook my head hard. So hard that my braid whipped and smacked me in the face. I don't know what came over me... I guess I shocked. I stood there like and idiot. I couldn't. I couldn't settle down with you! You sould grow to hate me because I'm not all you want! Your eyes suddenly went down and reverted to the normal mirror that kept everything in.
I messed up. I jumped over this balcony and didn't look back. I ran away just like a coward. I wanted to say yes. I didn't deserve you and I didn't want to settle down. I wish I would have seen then.
I ran around for a while, and life treated me well. I got jobs where I could and made a living. I partied all weekend and got drunker than shit. Nothing to terrible happened, it was just that every time I stopped to catch my breath I would see your rare smile or wish for your arms to be around me. So I stopped stopping and went faster. I worked about 80 hours a week and partied all weekend. Bags grew darkly under my eyes and my hair grew lusterless. I was wearing a hole right through myself. It took more for my perpetual smile to appear. But every night I laid down in bed and thought 'Where is my Heero? What is he doing? Does he think of me?' before sleeping.
I started coming here about three months ago. I just come out here and sit in this spot, the spot of my undoing. I had a chance to spend forever with you, but I blew it because I'm selfish. When I'm dead, if my spirit stays on earth, it will surely haunt this spot, because it is said that spirits stay in places that meant most to them. Where are you, my Heero? Do you think of me?
A noise suddenly makes me jump. I turn around swiftly just in time to see a rat scurry away into the ruins. Damn those rats! They are everywhere. I turn back to the somber sunset and try to imagine your arms around my shoulders and the warmth your chest against my head. Watching the sunsets together was always something we liked to do.
"What did I do wrong?" A voice suddenly breaks the silence. A familiar voice. I turned swiftly and was shocked to be greeted by the desolate somber eyes that could only belong to you. I was surprized, to say the least. You come and sit next to me on the hard unforgiving stone. I look into the depths of your eyes. You are such a puzzle. You? You did nothing! It's my fault!
" You did nothing wrong." I say as I look away. I try to smile. "It was me who ran away from love."
"Why?" You ask. Such a simple question, but how do I answer? I don't know why I left. Maybe something scared me, maybe I wasn't ready, or just maybe I wanted you to follow me. If I truly knew I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be so jaded and lonely if I knew.
"I don't know. I just left, and you just didn't come after me." I say. I can't smile. The everlasting grin wont come.
"I was supposed to come after you?" You say softly, as if it were those words were the most sacred in the universe. "I'm sorry." I've never heard you apologize before.
"Tcah. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have left. I should have said yes," I sigh as the sky gets darker. I can't bear this subject. I can't ever hide from you, never could. "So how has life treated you, Heero?"
"I've been better," You say, "I lost my job last week." That's not what I wanted to hear. What lucky person stole your heart? Who has taken what could have been mine? Who was smarter than Shinigami, wise enough to know the thing that death did not? Who knew how to love?
" I am currently working at a shop and a bar." I say even though you haven't asked. "Where ya staying?"
"I've got an trailer in the aluminum ghetto downtown," You say, trying to be casual as opposed to being reprimanding or cold. Well it could be going worse. It would be so much better if my heart wasn't being pulled apart my invisible hands that held invisible strings.
We stare off into the fading sun for a few moments, as if the sun knew the answer to our problems. It really was a nice sunset. There wasn't that much color, just mostly red, but the clouds that hung around gave it a surreal feeling. I glance at you. You look just like I remember you, wiry yet strong. I wonder if I can still make you smile. I don't try. I don't deserve your smile, you should save it for someone who won't run away and leave your heart open for the world to tear apart.
I stand to leave. You probably don't want me around.
"Wait!" You say suddenly, and if I didn't know better I'd say that there was desperation in your voice. I turn to you and your blue eyes freeze my in place and make my heart a little puddle at your feet. I take a deep breath and tears threaten to overwhelm me. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. From the way you called me Baka to the way you twisted my hair around your fingers. This will be the first time I've cried over you. I need to have you, but my needs aren't going to be met.
You look startled. Maybe you didn't expect me to start sniffling like a child about ready to collapse in tears. I'm caught in your gaze, in your emotions. I try to breathe, but can't. A tear overwhelms what little control and self respect I have. I have to say something! My mask has fallen and I have to tell you who I really am. I need to explain to you why I left. Why did I leave?
"I'm sorry!" I blurt. You give my that special smile that you always reserved for me. It's that smirk that shines in the back of your eyes and makes the corners of your mouth turn upwards slightly. Why are you smiling? Do you want me to cry? Well, you're getting your wish, because the salty liquid is pretty much drenching my face. How was I supposed to know that when I left you I'd leave the happy part of my soul behind? I shouldn't be crying. I can't change the past. It's over.
I know what I should do, so I do it. I run toward the edge of the balcony, only stopping to glance back at you and take one last look for memories, and leap over the stone rail. I duck and roll a few feet across the grass before popping up and running into the distance. I don't know how far I ran, but I collapsed in a park somewhere. I leaned against a water fountain as I gasped for air and rubbed my stinging tear-filled eyes.
Its for the best this way, I know it is. I never deserved you. I had the nerve to laugh no matter what the situation was. I had the nerve to play the jester and pretend that I wasn't scared for you or me or anybody. I would give anything to know that you are happy and that you get the best, and if the best isn't me, then it's not me.
I was done wheezing and was just entering another bout of rationalization and self-pity when I felt your cool hand on my shoulder. I jump at the touch and then dissolve into silent tears again. Its been three fucking years! I so should be over this!
"Duo," You say quetly, uncertainly. "Duo I went to that building looking for you. I-I tried to forget you, but I couldn't. So I have been looking for you. I need you."
"No! I'm not good enough! You need someone special, someone who can do more than crack a joke and run away," I protest. It's true. You do deserve so much more than I can give you. A single glance at your hidden tender heart and deep caring eyes proves that without a doubt.
"But I do love you" I can't help but add.
"Duo..." You speak softly and compassionately," Jokes are a way of bending under preasure so that you don't break. You've saved me several times with them."
"Name a time," I'm unconvinced. You think for a second.
"Remember when I was having that really bad day and spilled coffee all over myself? You made some smart assed remark about tan being my color and than laughed? Well, if you hadn't laughed I probably would have put a hole through the wall."
"Oh." I say. So maybe my humor isn't that bad, but what about everything else? It sounds too good to be true, the fact that you've been seeking me and still felt for me.
"I was confused at first," He confessed," And then I waited for you to come back, but you didn't. Every morning for the longest time I expected to roll over and see you snoring next to me. Finally I couldn't deal with it, and I came to find you."
"So? You still love me?" I sniffle. I wipe away my tears and my heart fills with hope. Maybe you've missed me too? That would be wonderful.
"Hai." You say solomnly.
"Can we start again?" I ask. 'Can I still love you and have my love returned?' Is what I want to know.
"Hai." You smile.
"Heero, I missed you so much!" I exclaim as I glomp you. I'm too overwhelmed to do anything else. I just hope that we can be happy and that I never do anything so foolish and hurtful again. You return my hug and we sit there, content in eachother's arms. I sigh as a tear off happiness runs off my face.
"I love you."
"I love you too, my Duo."
Well, maybe my mistake stopped chomping on my ass, but it took away three years of my life, during which I could have been happy with you. I'm just glad that you don't hate me, and that you think about me and are happy. Ahhh life is good sometimes.
So never run away from love. If your lucky it'll catch up with you later, but if you aren't you might never find it again.