Title: The Scariest Thing Is Love.

Disclaimer: I do not own The O.C or any of the characters in the show.

Author's Note: This is Ryans Pov of what happened in The First Time and the time

before. Enjoy!

Yesterday was the first time we made love. And now I can't stop touching her.

I want to kiss her. Constantly. I want to draw my fingers through her soft red hair.

I want to hug her so thight that she loses her breath. I want to see her naked. I want to

hear her sigh my name. And I want to make love to her. Again. And again.

It is scary. These feelings are new to me. I'm in love. And it scares me. It scares me to

hell. And it thrills me like nothing else.

I have slept with a lot of women in my life. I'm not bragging. It's just the honest truth.

I regret some of it. Marissa. Theresa.

I confused things. With Marissa I confused sex with love. And I lured myself into

beliving that i loved her. And it worked for a long time. And then it came crashing down.

And I fell apart.

And Theresa. That's what I regret the most. We were friends once. And when we grew

up we became so much more then friends. In Chino you can't trust a lot people. But we

could trust in each other. I think loved her. But the I left. And now I don't were we stand.

We are not lovers and we are not friends. We have been threw to much.

When she came here... I messed up. And the baby... That innocent little life. When she

called and told me that the baby was dead I felt like someone had punched me in the

stomach. Maybe I hadn't loved her. But I had started to love that baby and I grieved it.

And I fell apart. Again.

And I swore to myself that I wouldn't get involved with another girl for a verry long time.

It had hurt enough. I did not want to fall apart again.

But the I saw her. Then I saw Lindsay and it felt like someone had cut my feet from right

under me.

I started dreaming again. I hadn't done that in a long time, but now I saw her every night.

Talking, laughing. Naked. And I would wake up sweating and cursing.

I made a fool of myself. I couldn't seem to control any of my motor functions when I was

near her. It had never happened to me before and it was embarrassing to say the least.

Seth had a lot of fun at my expense. At least someone enjoyed it...

Then we became lab partners and later we became friends. Sort of. We were balancing

on a very fine line between friendship and something more. Something way more.

When we finally agreed to do the whole dating thing it didn't take long before something

ruined it. Something or Someone. Caleb Nichol. I never liked the guy and that feeling has

been mutual. Now, he was Lindsay's father and I didn't know how to react. It is not

every day that you find yourself beeing related to your girlfriend's father. Sort of anyway.

She pulled away from me. I can't say I blamed her but I missed her. A lot more than I

would like to admit. Even to myself.

I didn't know what to do. I tried to give her space to figure thinks out. I tried, but it was

killing me. To not be able to talk to her, to have to pretend that we were just friends. It

was hard. Real hard. But tried it because she asked me to.

But then one saturday she came by the poolhouse. And we talked. We talked for hours.

Mostly about Caleb Nichol, but also about her mom and her new stepfamily. And we

talked about us. She wanted to take things slow.

I didn't mind taking things slow, not as long as it meant that I still could see her. Talk to

her in school.I could deal with it as long as I wasn't forced to pretend she was just a


It would mean that I was going to have to take a couple of long, cold showers but that

was nothing new. I had been taking them every morning since the day I saw her.

So, when she kissed me I was flabbergasted. Was this taking things slow? Was she

playing with me? Testing me? I didn't like either.

I asked her and what she was doing. Not that I minded her kiss at all, but...

She blusced and refused to look at me. She murmured something about not beeing

able able to stop herself. She bit her lower lip and glanced at me.

Now it was I how couldn't stop myself. I kissed her, hard. I pulled her against me

and let my hands do all the things that I dreamt about doing for so long. She sighed

my name and I was lost.

The rest is what they call history. We made love and it was amazing. Perfect. Heavenly.

I can't even find the words to descibe it. I never think that i will.

And that is why I was so shocked when she woke me up the next morning and asked

me if Marissa had been better than her.

And then she said something so idiotic that I couldn't do anything but stare at her.

She tought that I hade sleept with her out of pity.

For a girl who is as smart as she is, she can sometimes act very stupidly.

Sleept with her out of pity? Was she crazy?

I wonder who she sees when she looks in the mirror, because if she saw the girl thatI

see she wouldn't doubt herself.

When her voice broke I couldn't take it anymore. I got of from the bed and showed

her exactly why I had sleept with her. Showed her that it sure as hell had nothing to do

with pity. And all to do with lust, and passion. And... love.

The second time we made love was even better, if that is even possible.

And I told her how I felt about her. Told her that I loved her. I feelt like the right thing

to do.

When it was all over I held her close to me. I saw that she was crying and I got worried.

Did she regret it? Had I hurt her? She must have senced my worry because she lifted

her head from my chest and smiled at me. The tears had been out of joy, not pain.

I smiled back at her and gave her a sweet kiss. She snuggled closer to me and put

her head back on my chest, right over my heart.

I closed my eyes and was just about to go back to sleep when she said my name.

- Ryan?

- Yeah?

-You asleep?

- Almost.

- I just wanted to say that I love you too.

I bet you couldn't find a guy who was happier than me at that moment.

When I saw her in school today it was like rest of the rest of the world faded. All

I could see was her. Seth was babbling on about Summer, as usual, but I didn't hear

a word. At last he noticed that I wasn't paying him any attention and looked around

to see what I was staring at.

- Ah, he said. So you did it with Lindsay, huh?

- I have no idea what you are talking about I said and tried to keep a straight face.

Seth looked smug.

- Yeah. Right. Nooo idea what- so- ever. Then I guess that you have no idea about

who mom saw coming out of the poolhouse yesterday morning, huh?

I could feel myself blush. Kirsten had seen Lindsay? So that's way she had looked so

strange at me during breakfast yesterday. This could be a problem.

Seth laughed.

- You two are so busted! Are you blushing? Is Ryan Atwood blushing?

- No.

- Right he smirked. Then he became serious - I am happy for you man. You

deserve some happiness.

- Thanks. Now i gotta go and...

He wawed his hand.

- Go. Kiss your girlfriend . I'll be over here, moping over Summer as usual. Is it

usual?... Do I...?

I didn't hear the last af his sentence as I walked over to Lindsay.

- Hello Beautiful.

- Hello Handsome.

I bent down and gave her a kiss. She put her arms around my neck and returned my

kiss with one of her own.

She was mine. The girl of my dreams were mine. And I was happy.


RnR please!