Disclaimer: Sure now what's worth doing, is worth doing for money. If it's a bad bargain, nobody gains, and if we do this deal, everybody gains. - Gordon Gekko

Harry Potter and the Summer Camp from Hell

Part four of Odd Ideas # 190 to 192

Atlantis was a great place, Harry decided the day after they'd arrived. Everyone was friendly and the ceremony to become a knight was pretty awesome, though a bit flashy in his opinion. Though to be fair, anyone would find it hard to make peacock feather plumed helmets look classy.

The fact that the Master of Training, an ex-British Auror named Moody, had insisted that Gilderoy go through the ceremony and join Harry in what Gilderoy called 'the summer camp from hell' meant things went from great to outstandingly great.

"Why must I go through all those exercises and classes?" Gilderoy had asked in undisguised horror.

"Yeh wanna wright a good book, don't yeah?" the scarred Master of Training had asked with a horrific grin. "Only way to know it well enough to write it is to experience it. Unless of course you think you already know enough to pass the final exam, shouldn't be too hard, any student that got through seven years of defense at Hogwarts should have no problem with it."

"Three questions." Gilderoy held up three fingers. "One, who will be proctoring the exam?"


"Two, what will happen if I pass the exam?"

"You'll go into year two of the cadet course, ah course," Moody replied cheerfully.

"Three, exactly why do you think I will go along with this?"

"Yer editor thought it a magnificent idea and even if he didn't. Even if 'e didn't, do you think you know enough magic to escape?"

"I was afraid those would be your answers," Gilderoy sighed. "Welp, it's only a few weeks, nothing we can't handle, eh' Harry?"

Harry loved doing things with his guardian and was over the moon at the opportunity to go through knightly training with him. "Nothing we can't handle, Gilderoy!" the boy had replied happily.

"Well, I suppose a bit of exercise could do me good," Gilderoy said to himself, softening a bit at the boy's smile. "Idabelle has been commenting on how much my waist line has expanded since our last trip."

"She has?" Harry asked hopefully. "Are you two?"

"Good friends at the moment," Gilderoy said, dashing the boy's hopes. "Very very good friends." He caught the look on the boy's face. "Perhaps more in the future, we'll see."

"We'll see!" Harry echoed cheerfully. He turned to the scarred ex-Auror. "When do we start?"

"Two days from now, bright and early."

"Why not now?"

"Why not indeed," Moody mused. "Both of you, drop and give me twenty! Rest of the class may start in two days and you two will be shining examples of what they should all be by then!"

Four weeks dry. Four weeks of early mornings. Four weeks of surprisingly decent food. Four weeks of training in combat, investigative techniques, stake outs. Four weeks of late nights to get everything written down before he forgot it. Graduation day was a happy one for Gilderoy and a bit of a disappointment for Harry, boy had taken to the camp like a dragon to raiding villages, something his adoring fans would no doubt be happy to hear.

"Well?" Moody had snorted as he handed over the certificate. "Was I correct? Did going though it make a better book?"

"It almost certainly will so I will certainly have to accompany Harry next year. I hate you for that."

"Glad you enjoyed it." Moody stated, picking the next certificate off the stack. "Harry Potter."

The boy walked onto the stage and solemnly took the certificate.

"You did good, lad, very good."

"Thank you, Mr. Moody."

"Can't wait to see you next year."

"Is there any way I could come back sooner?"

"We'll see about getting you a bit of off the books training afore you leave Atlantis, how bout that, eh?"

"Okay," Harry said, perking up.

"That's a good lad," Moody said, motioning for the boy to leave the stage.


"Heard you ran into Harry's old minder," the editor announced casually. "Any chance we can give her a prominent role in the next novel?"

"Why wouldn't we devote an entire chapter and a couple thousand words to the squib that was courageous enough to risk what little magic she had to protect the-Boy-Who-Lived?" Lockhart replied. "Ladies and Gentlemen, your humble servant must regrettably admit that he did not include the full story in the first book, Harry Potter and the Mean Muggles which is available in fine stores everywhere. The only excuse which I can offer, pitiful though it may be, is that I was unaware of another story of courage, of a hero whose valor far exceeds my own, of a squib willing to risk what little magic she possessed in a futile attempt to aid our savior."

His editor nodded in satisfaction. "She appear much in the main story?"

"One of the leading roles," Lockhart agreed. "Why?"

"We got a strongly worded letter from Dumbledore himself suggesting that he would be most displeased if she didn't."

"Wouldn't have made sense not to include her," Lockhart stated. "She was the only adult in Harry's life that was worth a damn before I got him."

"Where is she now?"

"Round the world cruise. I promised both her and Harry that we'd try to meet up with her a few more times on the stops."

"Write her and see if she's willing to give us a book or two," his editor ordered. "Old ladies solving murders is a popular genre in the muggle world, see if she's willing to spice things up a bit with the occasional crime. If not, I'm sure we can always sell another travelogue."

"I'm sure we can work something out."

"Good." The editor made a mental note to get the old woman a bit of training. "Speaking of recurring characters."


"Goblins have been surprisingly popular, the princess in particular."

"You arrange something already or do you want me to take care of it?" Lockhart asked.

"They're going on an expedition to collect potions materials in Africa in three weeks."

"We'll be on it."

AN: Typos by Luan Mao

Omake: Dumbledore

Dumbledore was a bit put off when the chief editor of the popular Harry Potter book series arrived for an unannounced tour of Hogwarts. His annoyance deepened when the man had been vocally unimpressed by what the school had to offer.

"No alchemy classes, a tiny library, no classes on enchantment, no classes on language, no classes on culture or etiquette, no classes on foreign magics, no classes on curse-breaking or warding. To be honest, I'm not impressed. Things are going to have to improve quite a bit if we're going to have Harry attend this school."

"I see." it took a supreme act of will to keep from frowning.

"Fortunately we've got a few years before he's due to attend," the editor continued. "Be a real shame to have to have him go to a foreign magical school when we've got a perfectly good one right here."

"There is no chance that Harry Potter will not be attending Hogwarts," Albus said sharply.

"Good attitude," the editor said with a sharp nod. "Glad to have you on board with the modernization project."

"What project?"

"The one to get instructors for all those classes and more," the editor replied absently. "It's a good thing you've got all those empty classrooms or we'd have to do more construction work than I'd have liked."

"That's all well and good, but exactly how are we going to pay for all these new instructors?"

"I'll cover it, likely won't even be a measurable percentage of my PR budget for the year," the editor stated. "Might as well bring the wards up to spec and get everything modernized while we're at it," the editor continued. "Get a list of things that need to be done by summer break so we can finish before school restarts."

"I'll put my staff on it," Dumbledore promised, happy that his school was going to be improved and that said improvements would not be coming out of his budget.

Omake: Renovation

It had been a month since the Hogwarts modernization project started and it became quickly apparent that it would be impossible to get everything done in one summer. Fortunately it also looked like they'd have enough time to return Hogwarts to its place as the world's premiere magical school by the time the-boy-who-lived was set to begin classes. It was a good thing they'd started so early.

"What is it?" the chief editor demanded when the contractor in charge of the project appeared at the doorway to his private office.

"Found some things I thought you might want to know about."

"Some reason you're telling me and not Dumbledore?"

"Remind me again, whose name is on my checks?"

"Good reason. What'd you find?"

"First thing is a giant snake while we were doing to plumbing."

"It going to be a danger to the kids?"

"Not anymore, had a nasty compulsion on it that we had to remove and we were able to replace it with one powered by the wards. Made it part of the castle's defenses and we're using it to clear out a nest of giant spiders in the forest."

"Keep quiet about it, we'll have Harry discover and befriend it after he starts."

"Figured that'd be your response. We'll do our best."

"Anything else?"

"Room full of old junk that will configure into anything you want it to be. Found one of the founders artifacts in that one, it's in perfect condition after we removed a bit dark magic from it."

"Write it up and keep quiet about that too," the chief editor said cheerfully. "At this rate, you're going to have the books for all seven of his school years written before he gets there."

"You pay well and we aim to please."

Omake: Another Book

Harry turned the book over in his hands, it's green cloth cover was completely unmarked by title or any other identifying information. "What's this?"

"Gift from a woman named Selene Lovegood," Gilderoy explained. "She's one of the preeminent spell developers in the country. You saved her life."

"How'd I do that?"

"There was an accident and her daughter used a spell she'd learned from one of your books to keep her stable until help could arrive. That is an advanced copy of a book of spells she developed."

"You're the one who wrote the book, Gilderoy."

"And you're the one who gets the credit, Harry. Get used to it."

Omake: Stabby

Stabby smirked at the way her best friend lit up when she entered the room, it'd been months, she'd missed him too.

"Stabby," he said cheerfully. "I didn't know you'd be coming to Hogwarts with me?"

"The Ministry was more than willing to bend the rules for your best friend and her retinue." Her eyes flicked to the human female. "Introduce us."

"Hermione, may I present Stabs With Great Vigor. Stabby, Hermione Granger."

The human female's eyes widened in surprise and it froze for a split second before leaping to its feet and curtsying. "Your highness."

"You may rise," she said, chin up, doing her best not to burst into laughter. Her father would be pleased to hear that his joke still bore dividends. Her eyes met her best friend's, only a twitch of the boys lips betrayed how close he was to losing it. "You may act informally while we are in a school setting. Address me as Stabs With Great Vigor in the classroom and Stabs outside class."

"Yes, your highness, I mean, Stabs," Hermione stammered. "I never thought I'd be privileged to meet goblin royalty at Hogwarts."

"It is true that we do not generally attend Hogwarts," she allowed. "In return, I expect my friend Harry to attend battle school with me over the summer." She winked in reply to his raised eyebrow. "I fear that the lack of excitement in this this school may dull our edge."

"Goblin battle school?" the female human squeaked.

"I am afraid that I can not share any details," she stated, closing the conversation. "Perhaps one or two will be shared in the next book documenting the saga of my life."

"Of course," the human female agreed. "I don't mean to pry."

"No offense was taken," she stated, clenching her jaw to hold in the laughter. Father was right, Hogwarts was going to be a gas.

Omake: What's in a name?

"You're muggle born?" Stabby exclaimed in shock.

"Is . . . is that a problem?" Hermione stammered.

"Quite the opposite, muggle born tend to be less unpleasant than most magicals." Stabby displayed her teeth, something she knew to be a friendly gesture with humans. "Call me Stabby when it's just us or when it's us and Harry."

"Wouldn't it be considered rude to use a diminutive if we haven't been in battle together?"

"Nah, forget about all that. Even the old folks don't get too uptight about their names now a days."

"Oh." Hermione considered the matter. "Would it be considered rude to ask how you got your name?"

"I was named after my grandmother on my mother's side, Stabs With Great Enthusiasm and my grandfather on my father's side, Vigorously Smashes Toes with a Hammer and Laughs Uproariously."

"But the book I read about goblin culture said names had to be earned in battle," Hermione said, sounding lost.

"You can't trust books written by humans about goblin culture to be correct," Stabby sniffed.

"It was written by a goblin."

"You can't expect goblins to tell the truth when we're writing books to sell to humans about our culture," Stabby sniffed again.

"You didn't earn your name?"

"I did. My name was earned in glorious battle in pre-school using a crayon I'd taken from another toddler on a third toddler," Stabby admitted. "Most parents will grant a name to a young goblin based on what they do in their first few years and a good number of them try to use words from their parents or grandparent's names so they have a better chance of being remembered in the will."

Omake by GeneralOs

The British Magical Revolution in the 21st Century.

Going into the 21st century practically all wizards and witches in Britain were aware of, or had knowledge of, the spells of other magical cultures. This allowed them for the first time in history to combine the different ways that cultures had used magic in the past. From the wand-magic in Europe to the Rituals of the North American tribes, all of this was known about and experimented on in Britain.

But why were the British knowledgeable of these different ways to cast and perform magic? Quite simply, Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived. The multiple Harry Potter books written in this time period were quite popular amongst the general populace. Virtually everybody had read them and knew of the spells inside them! While it was common practice at the time to simply make up spells or to use spells that were common knowledge in the writing business. Gilderoy Lockhart refused, and in doing so, he educated the General Public about the magics of all cultures and of all businesses (It was common practice not to explicitly share the details of Curse-Breaking for example as it was believed by the Goblins that the danger would scare away prospective Curse Breakers and these sorts of barriers exsisted in almost every Job)

While Dumbledores urging to teach the magics of other cultures in Hogwarts must not be understated. It has been revealed that he only did so on the insistence of Gilderoy Lockhart and Harry Potter. This more in-depth instruction allowed students such as, Hermione Granger, who would later become a notable spell researcher, to learn and practice these different types of magic and in time combine them. The work of these individuals would in time produce some of the most effective and most efficient magic on the planet allowing individuals to do what had once been done by teams. This inadvertantly led to a signficant increase in saftey in many jobs such as curse breaking and dragon keeping as the teams of people could now account for more dangers while the costs did not significantly increase. This caused a snowball effect as the British wizards ended up having the most experince and were thus the most sought after.