E-mail Address: Lillian/Randy Orton (Lillian's POV)
Dedication: This one's for Trista ( AKA: Legend Thriller ) for encouraging me to write it in the first place, then helping me with it along the way. Thanks for everything, hun! I wouldn't have done it without you.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story either. If I owned Randy Orton.. do you really think I'd be sitting here writing about him right now? ;)
Author's Note: This fic was written for Ladie Butterfly's Country Song-Fic Challenge ( to which I won first place ) In the original version, which can be read on her site, has the lyrics "How Do I" by Leanne Rhimes ( I obviously have NO idea how to spell that ) in them, but since stinky doesn't allow song fics, I had to take them out.
By the way, if you like any of my fics, please vote for me at /moonlight/ AND .
If you do decide to vote for me ( which only takes a few seconds ) e-mail me and let me know, and I'd love to thank you somehow! ) This is UBER important to me, so your votes would be great! ;)
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I watched with glassy eyes as my empty beer bottle rolled across the sticky bar table, falling off the opposite edge and landing onto the floor, clinking against the others. The steady rhythm of the rock band kept up with the beat of my heart, and it was pounding inside me in an endless chain of throbbing and painful bursts.
People that were casually passing by seemed to scoff at the drunken blonde - me - as she laid her limp body across the table, but I decided to ignore them. In fact, I could barley blame them. I swear, I could've disappeared off the end of the earth right then and there and no one would give a shit less, me included.
Damn it.. I hated this. I've never felt so lonely before in my entire life.
I felt a small hand on my tired shoulder, receiving a small squeeze seconds later. Picking my head up, I managed to get a blurry glance at the person above me - Trish Stratus.
"You holdin' up okay?" She asked, the bright smile she usually wore gracing her gorgeous features as she scooted into the booth next to me.
"..does it look like I am?"
"Lillian.." She cooed, placing a soft hand on my shoulder again. "You still upset about Randy leaving you?"
"Still upset?" I picked my head up to look at her, releasing a very unladylike snort through my nostrils. "We were together for three years, and he just left me two damn days ago for a reason that I'm still unaware of. What do you think?"
The blonde fell silent for a moment, taking back the hand she had placed on my shoulder. "Does this mean-"
"YES! I'M STILL UPSET!"
Although I was slamming my forehead against the table repeatedly, I could hear her feminine little sigh as she released it slowly, here gaze burning the back of my head.
"Would you like another drink, ma'am?"
I looked up at the waitress that just approached. She was blonde, with pretty green eyes and a big, bright smile. She reminded me of myself when Randy and I first got together. But I was a different person then. That person had since gone away. ..and I was so close to smacking that big stupid grin off her face.. "Yeah, just another beer."
She nodded and walked off, Trish still staring at me with her jaw to the floor.
"Since when do you drink?"
Trish frowned, her head hung low in defeat as she slid off the booth and back onto the floor. She sighed again, still looking at me with her big brown eyes, but I refused to look back. "Lil, this isn't like you.."
I grunted. Even though Trish is my best friend, she can be a little - well, - blonde, sometimes. But a stupid question deserved a stupid answer, unfortunately for me, there wasn't any other answer to give. "That's 'cause I've never been so damn lonely before."
The room was still spinning when my eyes fluttered open, my glazed orbs landing on the dull ceiling above me. It was dark - at least, I think it was dark - and I had no clue where I was, besides in some room…on some bed.
I picked my head up, letting out a small hiss through my teeth as I felt the stiff pain in my neck. Lord.. I was sicker than a dog. This was officially the worst hangover I've ever had in my life.
The annoying clock that was ringing next to me said it was only 11:23 in the afternoon.
Was I supposed to be somewhere..? Maybe.. But I don't remember a damned thing. When we were together, Randy would always be the one to wake me, and remind me of the places we needed to be. Being together for as long as we were, I guess I had grown used to it, and now I couldn't slip back into the habit of using my own mind for things.
Untangling my tired and sore body from the sheets, I shuffled into the small kitchen, flicking on the light and searching for the coffee. That was another thing Randy would always used to do for me. He, being obviously the morning person that he was, would wake up, make some coffee, then come and wake me up. Sometimes, he'd sit and simply watch me sleep, and I'd curl into that beautiful body subconsciously while he played with my hair.
I collapsed onto the cold, tiled floor, to weak and sick to even make a pot of coffee.
But this time, I sat and cried alone until I thought I couldn't cry anymore, for his arms weren't there to wrap around and comfort me.. his words to far away to hear.
"Lillian! ..Lil! LILLIAN GARCIA!"
I heard my name being called, or more so screamed, by a feminine voice somewhat familiar. But I didn't feel like answering. I knew I was almost four hours late for the stupid Raw show, my make-up wasn't done, my hair wasn't done. God only knows how long that'd take.. But the last thing I needed right now was someone screaming at me about how late I was.
"LILLIAN IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME THIS MINUTE I'M GONNA GROUND YOU!"
Although I had basically trained myself to appear as miserable as possible, the small comment had caused a slight smile to grace my features. Turning around, I met Trish's warm chocolate eyes, her breathing uneven and heavy.
"Lil, you know I love you dearly, hun, but why in the hell are you four hours late?"
I shrugged, shifting my bags from shoulder to shoulder as I forced my eyes away from hers. "I don't know, I lost track of time?"
The blonde arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me, her hands on her hips. "Is that a question or an answer?"
"Take it for what it's worth," I turned around, beginning to walk away. I knew she would drill me with questions, but I didn't have any answers to give her. Yes, she was only looking out for me. But hell, although she may say she'll ground me, she's not my mother. In fact, she's worse. "But I don't have time for your little question games,"
"Lil," She sighed, throwing up her arms in defeat before following me - like I knew she would. "Why are you acting this way?"
I shook my head, reaching a hand behind me to wave her off before I broke into an all out run, my hand covering my eyes so as no one could see the tears that were threatening to fall from my eyes. I had been asked that question too many times in the past few days, and not once did I ever answer.
A choked gasp was the green light for the water works, and soon all my tears came pouring out. I could hear Trish calling my name from behind me, but I figured she'd let me alone.
Discovering I'd entered a hallway that only led to an even busier one, I grabbed the handle of an unknown room and ran inside, slamming the door and locking it behind me.
Letting out a long sigh, I closed my eyes and willed the tears to stop, only to have them fling open again and the sound of that familiar voice calling my name.
A cold chill ran up my spine as my eyes landed upon him, his pretty eyes locked on me as if I'd been stripped of all my clothes. Something he wouldn't mind in the least.
"I - I'm sorry, Randy.." I reached for the handle, the sweat covering my hands making it impossible to turn. "I didn't mean to come in here .. I'll leave,"
"No," He got up and began walking towards me, a shirt clad arm outstretched in my direction, "Please, don't leave. I wanna talk to you,"
My eyes narrowed at him, slapping his arm away when he finally reached me. "I have nothing to say to you,"
In a gesture I didn't even see coming, Randy pulled me flush against him, our lips crashing together in a lusty and emotional kiss.
I whimpered, my knees giving out as he snaked an arm around my waist to hold me tighter against him, his tongue entering my mouth as it teased my own.
He totally mesmerized me. His kiss, his scent, the wonderful feeling of his beautiful body as he pressed it only harder against mine. And it was then I realized why I fell head over heels madly in love with him in the first place. He was too damn wonderful in so many ways..
We both pulled away at the exact same moment, completely breathless from the short life of our kiss. Randy looked at me, brushing some blonde strands away from my face. "Actually, I think you have a lot to say.."
It took a while for the thoughts that had left my mind to gather back again, but all it took was Randy's hand inching up my shirt to bring me back to earth. I pulled away from him, the angry look in my eyes returning in an instant. "Get away from me,"
"Lil, baby, please.. I just want to talk to you more,"
"Why?" I spat, willing my eyes from scanning the rest of his body. "So you can say a few words and then take off my pants? Nu uh, Randy, NOT gonna happen."
I pushed him aside, grasping the cold metal of the doorknob, but my sweaty palms made the task useless. I jiggled the handle a few times, then slammed my fist against the heavy door. Turning around, I placed my hands on my hips as I faced Randy. "Open the damn door, Randy."
He sighed, stepping towards me and opening the door in one swift motion. Stepping back, he looked at me, shoving his hands deeply into the depths of his pockets. "There ya go,"
I looked at him, my hands balled up into tight fists and ready to be brought into action of necessary. "Thank you," Grabbing my bags, I looked at the doorway, mentally berating myself for walking in here in the first place, ..and because something was stopping me from leaving..
"Just to let you know.. If you go through that doorway, I'll never see you again."
Dropping my bags to the ground, I turned to look at him, my lip curled and arms folded defensively across my chest. "What's THAT supposta mean?"
"If you leave, I leave. I can't live knowing you hate me, baby. Please.. talk to me."
Closing my eyes, I let out a long sigh. I couldn't say no to him.. Not even if I wanted to. "Fine, okay." I slammed the door shut, locking it behind me. Stomping into the room, I spun back around on my heel to face him. "First of all, don't call me baby...I'm not your baby anymore."
Randy held his head low, his eyes finding a way to scatter around the room but never once land on me. He spoke, his voice below even the slightest whisper. "Okay.."
We sat there, my eyes locked steady on him, his eyes as far away from me as possible, as a silence fell all around us. I had been wanting this moment to come ever since he ended it with me over the phone, and now that it was finally here, I had no idea what to say. Sure, telling him not to call me 'baby' anymore had been done, but it hurt like hell .. and the night had just begun.
"Why'd you do it..?"
He picked his head up a little, looking at me through those dark, beautiful teary eyes, as if he was surprised I spoke at all.
I swallowed a large lump that had formed in my throat, the tears beginning to fall slowly down my cheeks. "Why did you leave me there .. bawling my eyes out 'cause you left and I had no idea why..?"
"Ba - I mean, Lil.." He brought a hand to his forehead, rubbing his temple, as if it'd help gather his thoughts. "I love you, I really do .. But you gotta underst-"
"Whoa whoa whoa, hold up." I looked at him, arching a delicate brow in his direction. "You love me? As in, still do?"
Lowering his head even more, Randy nodded solemnly, falling deathly silent.
"Bull shit you do," I spat, stomping towards him. When I was close enough, he looked up, only to receive a shove from me, something that barley affected him in the least. "If you love me, we'd still be together, Randy." Shoving him once again, my voice only grew louder. "If you love me .. then why leave me hating myself for something you did?"
"SHUT UP! Shut up, shut up, shut up!" I covered my ears with both hands, retreating into a different area of the room a few feet away. "I TOLD you not to call me that. I'm not your baby .. And you don't love me. End of story." Bringing my hands down, I let them hang limply at my sides, my own spoken words ringing in my ears.
Although I wasn't even facing him, I knew he was walking towards me. I could hear his gentle footsteps as he came closer. "If you don't love me .. then why kiss me?"
I spun around on my heel, my eyes narrowing fiercely as I stared him down coldly. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me.. You obviously don't have feelings for me anymore, so why'd you kiss me?"
Damn it. I released a very unladylike snort, my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands. I wouldn't be able to answer his question.. and he knew it. Which is probably why he kissed me in the first place. "Nice try, but I didn't kiss you .. you kissed me."
Randy threw up his hands, turning around and walking away from me. I subconsciously followed him like a puppy, standing in front of him with my arms across my chest as he sat on the small couch in his locker room.
We were both silent for a moment, he held his head in his hands, I kept my eyes on him.
And it was then I felt a sudden warmth and pity for the man below me, so I decided to break the never-ending silence as it seemed to haunt our entire conversation. "So you love me, huh?"
Randy froze, seemingly not even moving the slightest muscle. He nodded then, releasing a light chuckle as he looked up at me, his tear-filled orbs breaking my heart. "Yeah… always have, always will.."
He tore his gaze from me then, and as a swift and uncontrollable emotion swept through me, I placed my hand on his head, my fingers toying with the ends of his fuzzy hair. Reacting immediately to my touch, he grabbed the back of my thighs, pulling me to him.
I could feel the thin film of sweat on his forehead as he pressed it against my bare stomach, his hands gripping the back of my legs even tighter as they made their way up.
He took in a long inhale, as if to try to pick up my distinct feminine scent … one he had become to know so well over our long and passionate relationship.
I don't know why, but the gesture had released an emotion in me I had kept locked up tightly ever since he left me. Tears welled up in my eyes, causing my mascara to run and eyelashes to clump into triangles. I let out a small whimper, bringing my hand back to my lips.
Randy must've heard, since he looked up immediately, then stood once he realized I was crying.
"Lil..?" He spoke ever so softly, his voice a mere whisper as he cradled me gently, using his free arm to brush blonde hair away from my face.
He tilted my flushed face up towards him, his eyes demanding an answer from me. With a short breath, I reached my hand out to stroke his beautiful scruffy cheek, giving him and answer I wasn't sure I wanted to hear. "I love you, too.."
In a sheer movement of love and lust, Randy pulled me to him, our lips crashing together for the second time tonight. I swear, I almost died right there in his arms, so it was probably a good thing he was holding onto me so tightly.
I welcomed his pleading tongue, teasing it with my own. Whimpering, I tried pulling away a little, that zoomy feeling within me taking over any rational thought in my mind. But Randy still held onto me tightly, his hardness pressing against the button of my jeans.
A small gasp escaped me as I was finally able to pull away from him, his beautiful eyes fogged with a fiery lust that I knew matched my own.
Cutting off any other words he was about to say, I grabbed the back of his fuzzy head, pulling him in for a quick but hard kiss. I was getting impatient, and the emotions in the air were growing thick with variety. I shoved him lightly, causing him to stumble back and plop down onto the couch. In a quick gesture, I threw my shirt over my head, tossing the dark garment onto the floor behind me.
Randy looked shocked, his wide eyes never leaving my bra clad chest as I brought myself to him, nestling into his beautiful body. God .. I fit perfectly into him, like a part of me that had been missing until now.
He laid a hot kiss upon my neck, neither of us caring what sort of marks it would leave. His trail lowered, and soon his face was buried in my chest, his tongue and lips toying and sucking. I released a quiet whimper, my hands fisting the back of his head.
Reaching between my own legs, I undid the buckle on his belt, tossing it behind me as he brought his hands up to my chest, cupping my breasts in his masculine hands.
Without breaking our searing kiss, I undid the buttons of his shirt, ripping it off of him. I let my hands roam his chest, my fingers tracing the contours of his rippled muscles, my nails making small paths of red adorning his chest.
God, he was beautiful. His slick and tanned chest was pressed so hard into mine I thought we'd have to stay like that forever … something I wouldn't mind at all. His manly hands roamed by whole body, as if he was trying to physically memorize me … to bring back the memories from our lustful past.
I wasn't sure what I was doing, and even more so I had no idea why in the hell I was doing it. All I subconsciously thought about was how I could make him call my name louder and more emotional than he's ever done before.
I moaned upon his lips, grinding my hips against him even harder as I felt his hand slide up my leather skirt, the soft skin of his fingertips brushing against a place he had once called his own to do what he pleased.
"Randy.." I called his name, my voice hoarse and needy. He seemed to get the message then, noting how he tore of my skirt and threw it behind him in one, quick gesture. I kissed him harshly as his hands trailed lower, into the soaking depth of my womanhood.
The moment was building up, the thick passion on the air more than I could handle at once, but upon hearing the word that escaped his lips, it shattered in to thousands of little bits, the shards of what had once been flying all around me in blurred and painful pieces..
I froze, the simple word he spoke ringing in my ears. Placing a hand against his chest to stop him, I felt the sting of the burning tears as they gathered in the back of my eyes. I removed my lips from his, bringing them to brush against his ear, my words below even the slightest whisper. "I thought I told you not to call me that.."
He looked up at me immediately, and I knew he realized what he had done wrong. My tears began to fall freely, the droplets of salty water falling slowly down my cheeks. Taking my head in his hands, Randy hushed me, his eyes full of deep and warm concert. "Shhh, I'm sorry, Lil."
Shaking my head, I tore myself away from him, which was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I sat there next to him, completely naked aside from my panties and crying like a baby. Randy sat beside me in silence, obviously not knowing what to do or say.
So I decided to break the silence for him. "..is this all you want from me, Randy?" I looked at him, my eyes still moist from the tears that had suddenly stopped. "Is this all you ever wanted from me?"
"No … Lil, not at all." He reached to me, but I shied away. "I love you, ..more than anything else. And I want you in every way a man can possibly want a woman."
I turned away, bringing my knees up against my bare chest and laying my head upon them. His words sounded like twisted lies. I hated them .. I hated him.
"Don't say that," I spat, closing my eyes. "..I can't take your lies anymore."
He was quick to defend himself, but the attempt was useless. He knew, I knew, we both knew, that there was something really wrong with the words he was saying … but he said them anyway. "I'm not lying, Lillian."
"But you just did," I turned to him, a small pitiful smile gracing my features. "You always have … always will."
Randy turned away from me then, releasing a long and shaky sigh. After a short beat of silence he got up off the couch, walking in front of me restlessly and half naked, his pants hanging wide open.
I kept my eyes locked upon him, willing them not to soften as I stared at him coldly. I almost couldn't stand looking at him .. I was driving myself crazy. I loved and hated him at the same time.
He stopped, brining a hand up to brush through what little hair he had then turned, kneeling in front of me and looking directly into my eyes .. I can't imagine the manly hormone problems he was dealing with.
"Lillian." Randy spoke firmly, his voice still somewhat shaky. "I'm gonna tell you something that I know you don't want to hear. And even though you hate my guts right now, I'm gonna ask you to listen to me, like you always used to do. Okay?"
I looked away from him, the words 'like you always used to' staining my mind. Nodding slowly, I ignored the fact that he was toying with my fingers with his, and willed the tears to stop .. for now.
Taking a deep breath, he looked at me, his eyes not even blinking. "I love you, Lillian. I knew from the moment I laid my eyes on you that I loved you. You were just so beautiful, with your pretty hair and pretty eyes. You're different from the other girls … you're natural and talented and you don't pretend to be something you're not."
He paused for a short beat, as if to gather all his thoughts. His eyes fell down to my bare chest, then quickly moved back to my eyes. "And that's exactly why I asked you out in the first place. God, you crushed me when you said no at first." He chuckled lightly, "I shrugged it off at first. I figured hey, if she said no maybe it's not meant to be, ya know? .. But God, I couldn't get you out of my head, Lil. You haunted me for weeks until finally I couldn't take it. So while you were out there, singing the National Anthem in front of thousands of people, I was sitting backstage kicking myself 'cause I hadn't asked you earlier."
He looked up at me then, his tear-filled orbs matched my own, the raw emotion we both felt so heavily pouring out in every word he spoke. "When you walked backstage.. my eyes wouldn't leave you. You looked so damn beautiful…walking through the curtain, smiling, laughing, breathing heavily. Then all of a sudden you finally looked at me, and my heart shattered into millions of little pieces."
He licked his lips, still swollen and a dark pink from the lusty kisses I had laid upon them earlier. He grinned widely, obviously remembering the moment perfectly. Looking up at me again, he bit his lip, obviously trying to hide the tremendous volume of his happiness.
"Do you..remember the first time we made love, Lil?"
I bit my lip. Oh, God..
After I nodded, he continued. "I remember .. It was two months into our relationship. We got caught in the rain at the park, so we ran back to my house and ended up getting soaked. You were wearing white, your hair was pulled back, and I had to will myself not to take you right then and there. I knew you wanted to wait … but God, I still wanted you so badly I couldn't stand it."
I looked away, but he continued on. "So while you sat and laughed against the door I just simply stared at you, my mind running wild on me. I imagined you beneath me, your beautiful body arched in to mine as you called out my name in ecstasy. After that I really couldn't take it, so I had to walk away. You followed me, but I just kept walking away. Then finally you caught me in the bedroom, and that exact second you kissed me I knew that night was going to be a night I'd never forget."
I was sobbing now, my eyes so blurry I could barley see him through the tears. His beautiful eyes matched mine, which was surprising to me, since I had never seen him cry before. "Then you whispered those words in my ear .. Do you remember what you said, Lil?"
I looked down, remembering the words perfectly and just how I felt while I said them. My throat was sore, my voice was shaky and so quiet it was barley audible. "..make love to me.."
After I spoke my own words, I brought my hands to my face, sobbing into them more harshly then I've ever cried before. I felt Randy get up off the floor and sit next to me on the couch, gathering me into his strong arms. "God, Lillian.." He breathed into my hair, "I could barley believe what I was hearing. But one look at you laying below me with that beautiful smile on your face was all it took."
His words were bringing out emotions in me I hadn't realized a person could feel all at once. I closed my eyes, blurry images from that night clouding up my memory as he continued talking, rocking me gently in his arms.
"We made the most beautiful love that night, Lillian. I was afraid I was hurting you, but you just held me, telling me you were okay. ..I can't even describe the sensations you made me feel.. Then after everything was done, you feel asleep in my arms, and I swore to myself I'd never let you go."
I paused, my eyes fluttering open. Looking up at him, I could tell he was holding back a large amount of tears. I opened my mouth to speak, but at first no words came out. And when they finally did, they were joined by a choking sob that I could see hurt him deeply. "..then why did you?"
He fell completely silent, his face still as stone as he looked away from me. "I had no choice, Lillian."
"Had no choice?" I blinked, the anger I had let to rest building back up in me. "I don't get what you're saying, Randy."
Randy closed his eyes, pulling me even tighter into him even though I had shoved him away from me seconds earlier. "Remember when I promised you I'd be gentle, Lil? And that I'd never hurt you or let you go?"
I nodded solemnly, seeing the obvious pain he held in his features. I knew this was hurting him .. I guess I just didn't realize how badly.
"I hurt you, Lillian." He blurted out, his tears pouring down his cheeks. "I hurt you and I let you go and I broke any promise I ever made. I couldn't live with myself, Lil.."
"Randy.." I pulled away, confused at his words. Pressing my palms against either side of his head, I looked directly at him, but he wouldn't look back at me. "Just tell me.. Please.."
"I cheated on you, Lillian."
I froze, my blood running cold as I fell out of his embrace. He turned from me, sobbing like a child who happened to get lost on a crowd of people. I sputtered out a few words, not knowing what to say or how to react. "Who was she?" I demanded, my voice softer than I wanted it to be.
It took him a while to answer, and the small amount of time was almost too much to handle. "..S-Steph.."
"Steph?" I repeated, the word bringing a bad taste to my mouth. "Steph? As in Stephanie McMahon?"
Randy nodded solemnly, bringing his hands up to cover his pitiful face.
My eyes narrowed as they rested upon him, my hands balled up into tight fists. What he had said about the loving era of our past relationship was now long gone. The raw emotions of love and passion were replaced by angry and hatred. "Why'd you do it?" I spat, "Why claim you love me more than life itself then go and fuck her?"
Randy winced at the words, finally gathering up the balls to face me, his face flushed and wet. "I didn't mean to, Lil. It was when you went home to visit your parents. I was bored, so I went out with Cena and Hardy. I ended up getting drunk off my ass and John and Matt were nowhere to be found. Then Stephanie showed up and she offered to take me home. I didn't know what else to do, so I agreed and I threw up all over her car in the way back."
I smiled a small smile subconsciously at that comment, realizing all too well that Stephanie had set Randy up..
He made a face at his own words, the memory obviously hurting him. "I had puke all over me when we pulled up, and I could barley walk, so Steph said she'd walk me to my room. She started undressing me completely and it went from there. I didn't realize what happened until the next morning. She came into my room and asked when I was going to tell her that we were in love. I started screaming and yelling and threatening her until she left."
I didn't speak for a while, letting his own words sink into the pit of his stomach. I guess it worked, considering the way he looked like he was getting sick at the mere thought of it. "..when were you planning on telling me?"
"I wasn't," He said bluntly, shaking his head. "I thought I'd be able to forget about it, to put it behind me and never see Steph again. I knew if I told you you'd never forgive me, and I loved you too much to break your heart."
"But you did it anyway," I reminded him, shifting myself so I could get a better look at him. "You left me 'cause you fucked another woman behind my back."
"No," Randy turned to me, his eyes bloodshot and brimmed with tears. "That's not why I left you, Lil."
I stared at him, hurt and confused. Nothing he was saying was making any sense. "If you didn't leave me even after you cheated on me … then why did you?"
He was silent, and I could tell whatever he was about to say affected him even more then the fact that he cheated on me did. Taking a deep breath, he turned to me, his skin brushing against mine. "I bought you a ring, Lillian." He bit his lip, as if to gather up his strength, then went on. "I was so tormented by the fact that I slept with someone else that I thought if we got married, it'd all go away."
I forced down a large mass of bile as it gathered in the back of my throat. An engagement ring?
"I carried it in my pocket for three weeks straight, having mental wars with myself. I couldn't even look at you, Lillian. And every time we'd make love I'd go in the bathroom after you'd fall asleep and ball my eyes out. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't live with myself."
He gathered up a sigh in his cheeks then let it out slowly, running his hand through what little hair he had. "I still loved you. God, I loved you so damn much.. But I was hurting you, I was killing you softly and you didn't even realize it."
I started sobbing all over again at his words, and with every word he spoke I felt my insides being torn from my body. I wasn't sure what to think.. I wasn't sure how to feel.
"I knew I broke a promise I had meant with everything I was worth. I failed you, Lillian. I never meant to…" He was sobbing now, reaching to me and pulling me towards me. "You gotta believe me, I never meant to. I swear."
I nodded with what strength I had left, "I know, I know. It's okay, Randy.."
"No." He spat, tightening the grip he had on me. "No, it's not okay. I found something in you, Lillian, that I had searched my whole life to find.. But when I cheated on you it died .. And sat at the pit of my stomach just rotting and wasting away.."
I kept my eyes on him, feeling like scum of the earth. Why hadn't I seen this? Why had my love been committing a slow and painful suicide right in front of my face and I hadn't even so much as noticed it? I wrapped my arms around him, loving the feeling of his naked chest against mine.
"I rotted away right along with it. And I knew I'd never be able to take care of you again, to hold you and love you and comfort you like I had always used to. I turned into a mere nothing.. Then one morning, I woke up at 4, then watched you sleep for 5 hours straight. I knew you'd be looking for me when you finally did wake up, but I couldn't handle it. So I left, then called you three hours later and left you." He choked on one of his sobs, and I could feel it in his throat as it rested on my shoulder. "I'm sorry it had to be that way, baby. But I knew if I left you face to face, I wouldn't be able to handle it."
I fell silent when he stopped. Yes, I understood. But I had no idea how to respond or what to say.
He pulled away from me, holding my head in his hands. "You're so strong, Lillian. That's one of the reasons I fell for you in the first place. I knew you'd be able to go on. You have so much more than me."
I looked at him, touching the hands and arms he had bound around me. "I made you my everything, Randy. And when you left I lost it all."
"Don't say that," He croaked, "I'm not a man, I'm not a person, I'm nothing."
I brought my lips to his, laying the most soft and sweetest of kisses upon them. "You're my favorite nothing, Randy. I don't care what you did, I love you."
He looked at me, his eyes wide as tears streamed down his cheeks. "How can you love me after what I've done?"
"When I told you I'd always love you, Randy, I meant it. I loved you then and I still do now."
Randy pulled me into him, our bodies flush against each others. "Thank you for forgiving me.."
I pushed him away slightly, looking deeply into the depths of his pretty eyes. "I haven't forgiven you yet, Randy. But I know what you can do."
"What?" He demanded, his voice hoarse and needy as his eyes pleaded with my own. "What do you want me to do, Lillian? Just tell me, I'll do anything."
I looked at him, a small and sad smile gracing my features as I ran the backside of my fingers down his scruffy cheek. "Randy … I want you to ask me to marry you."
I could feel Randy's heart explode as he held his chest against me, he pulled away, his eyes wide, his shattered heart pounding against his chest. "..but, Lil, I'm-"
I brought my lips to his to silence him. "Ask me, Randy…please.."
Randy brought his lip between his teeth, biting down on it as he tried to sort things out in his head. He looked at me for a mere second, then dug his hands into his pocket and pulled out a small, velvet box. He stared down at it in silence, fingering the cover gently before opening it slowly.
Kneeling down in front me, he pulled out the most beautiful, simple, elegant ring I've ever seen. It was perfect in every way. Taking my hand in his, I realized we were both shaking, tears still rolling down both our cheeks.
"Lillian.." He started, "I don't know if I deserve this, nor why you want it. But I love you, and no matter what either of us do I will always love you. I promise. ..Will you marry me?"
I smiled, looking at the hopeful expression he had on his handsome face. Hearing the words I thought I'd never hear come from him, seeing the most beautiful ring I thought I'd never see, brought on even more tears as they rolled silently down my cheeks. I brought myself closer to him, whispering gently into his ear. "Yes."
A small beat passed before he placed the sparkling diamond on my finger, and as he joined me on the couch, we kissed feverishly, lips nipping and tongues dancing as if we had never kissed before.
He pulled me onto his lap, our hands roaming and rediscovering each other's bodies. The way he touched me was driving me crazy, and it wasn't until now when I realized how much I missed him in so many more ways than one.
Pulling away breathlessly, I simply look at him, admiring his handsome features. "Do one more thing for me, Randy.." I whispered, my voice hoarse as he cradled me gently in his powerful arms.
"What's that, Lil?" He didn't even pull away again, but I could tell he was too busy battling with the thought of us getting married in his head to realize what I was saying.
"Call me baby again."
He froze, then pulled away the slightest little inch to look at me, his face offering me a confused glance. "But..why? I thought you didn't want me to call you that anymore,"
I fisted the back of his head, pressing my chest harder into him as I fought back the strong urge to kiss him. "Please, Randy.. I need to know if this is for real.."
"But it is, Lil-"
"Just say it, Randy.. please."
Randy paused for a beat, looking at me as if I were crazy, his tear-filled eyes locked on mine as his kiss swollen lips formed fragments of words I couldn't comprehend. "I love you, ..baby.."
I fell silent as the words he had spoken so many times before rung through my mind. My eyes once again filled with tears as I looked down at him, smiling a small smile. Pulling him into a strong embrace, I brought my lips to his ear, mumbling in a quiet whisper. "Thanks.."
Randy just simply held me after that, his strong arms bound around me in a protective manor as if he'd never let go. Something I wouldn't mind in the least. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours until they all blurred together in a single form of moments that I knew would stay with me forever.
But it all came to a sudden holt when there was a slight knock on the door, followed by a gruff but unfamiliar voice. "Randy? You in there? You're up in a few minutes."
Randy turned to me, the look on his face letting me know that he had no desire to leave.
"Shhh," I placed my finger to his lips, then removed it to give him a small kiss. "Go ahead, I'll still be here when you come back."
I laughed at the frown he marred on his face, but soon after he lifted me up off the couch as he stood, then laid be back down with his lips never leaving mine.
I watched as my fiancée's retreating figure slowly walked away, leaving me behind. Just like he had done so many times before.
But he was different, I was different, we were different. And unlike the moment that had long since died, this time it was different.
I knew he was coming back this time.
And he was coming back for me.