Author's Note: Hey All! This is my first attempt at sharing fan type fiction so cut me some slack. But keep something in mind. It's meant to be funny. The whole way through. I'm not aiming for depth, enlightenment, true love (at least not a healthy version of it), or an award for Biggest Romance. I'm not trying to make people go "Ah" I'm trying to make you go "Ah damn! That was mean!" My goal is simply put, to make you laugh your ass off. Now if I succeed (I hope I hope) please jot me a review. If I didn't, say it nicely in a review, but kitty has claws so careful . Also remember that this is not exactly the Serena we all know and love. My Serena can send out some kick ass comebacks, doesn't cry, and swears like a sailor. Now there is some dating eventually in the story, but you must be patient with me. It took me forever to share this. But I shared it in my creative writing class and heard some rather interesting comments. Like it was too funny.

What the hell kinda stupid ass comment is that? My goal is to take your mind off your troubles and make you wheeze and pop a damn lung from laughter. So go on. POP POP!

And don't send me medical bills because I'm broke.

Disclaimer P.S. If I owned Sailor Moon…Sorry, I got distracted imagining all that money. Anyways, I don't. Damn it. I also don't own any other pop culture references I make. I think Xena, Hello Kitty andKFC come up at some point...Anywho, continue!

All Men are JERKS…Until Proven Otherwise

By Destiny Manifested

Chapter One: Who the Hell are You?

Have you ever been in a relationship you knew was destined to fail? And you go in to it knowing that the two of you working together would mean that hell has finally frozen over? But you just don't give a shit because the other person you aren't meant to be with is so hot? Yeah, well, if the answer is no then you are starting the wrong damn story. Okay it happened like this…

I was walking along minding my own business when suddenly, HE, walked by me. Now at the time I didn't know who HE was, so you don't really need to know either. But let me give you a visual. 6'2, coal black hair, and the bluest fucking eyes I have ever seen in my entire life! They were the eyes those poets were always going on and on about, but I never paid attention because I was usually asleep during my English class but that's not the point. Okay, so are you getting the picture here? Not only that, but he had muscles. I love muscles! Not the scary muscle beach kind of muscles, but the, you can tell he's got this amazing body under those clothes (and at this point I was imagining getting under those clothes), type of muscles. Okay back to the point.

Now I'm not what you would call a 'subtle' girl. When I'm attracted to a guy, I do everything but nail him on the street (okay there was that one time, but I was so drunk, and ya know what you didn't need to know this) so when I saw this walking Clarke Kent, it was all I could do not to drool. And at this point you're wondering 'what could be wrong with this beautiful boy she's talking about' but don't forget, I'm not done. See visually, this boy was picture perfect. Unfortunately, like most men, he felt the need to speak and ruined the whole picture.

"Wow your hair looks weird; it looks like a couple of meatballs and spaghetti noodles!"

Why why why did he have to speak why? I was so happy treating him like a breathing pin up doll, but nooo, he had to ruin it by acting like a guy. Now he thought he could just say this and walk away from me. This proves that he ain't the smartest man in the world. I should've just snapped a picture and ran, just snapped it and ran. But I ain't that smart either.

"Take that back you walking excuse for birth control! Yeah, I'm talking to you, you with the patch of public hair on your chin!" (Did I mention that cute little patch of black fuzz on his chin? Needless to say, I wasn't thinking it was cute right then but never mind!) I don't know who you think you are, but how DARE you say that to me! I don't even know you, is that how you greet strangers on the street you schmuck!"

Now if you'll remember correctly, I told you I'm not subtle. Now that stretches to all aspects of my life. If I think you're fine, I'll tell you, if I think you look like you've been in a car accident every day of your entire life, I'll tell you! I'm not mean; I'm just brutally honest. Now if some little shit balls that shall remain nameless (Rei! Blppt!) want to say I'm a bitch, then fine! But at least you will always know what I think of you. You know if I like you, you know if I hate your ass even more strongly! I think that's good but back to the point. So, if you can imagine, he, like every other person on the street, was standing there gawking at me. Now as much as I hate criticism, you can't imagine how much I hate people who stare.

"Excuse me am I yelling at you! Do you want me to start! Take those two drumsticks you call legs and keep heading toward Kentucky Fried Chicken, don't you make me cross this street! Hey you! Take your two-dollar hoe and your punk ass down the street! And take Uncle Fester with you! Who are you looking at Brunhilda? Get back on your broom! Where are you going pube boy, I'm not done yelling at you!"

Yeah, isn't that cute, this punk ass little bitch tried to run away! If he wasn't so damn hot, lucky for him, I would have been a lot meaner. I know, you thought this was as bad as I get, are you seeing why I don't keep friends easily? Job for the brave people, job for the brave. But on with the biggest mistake of my morning.

"Don't you think you're overreacting? It was an innocent comment, it's not like I said you look butch, I just said what I thought your hair looked like! You don't have to go all Carrie on my ass!"

Now the worst thing you can do when I go in to a rant is yell back!

"Who're you calling Carrie, with those Freddy Krueger looking fingernails! I was willing to be completely civil and just walk by you on the street, stopping momentarily to check out your ass, and then continue on with my day. But oh No, you're one of those special people who opens their mouth and immediately inserts their entire damn leg!"

"So you were gonna check out my ass huh?"

I paused to briefly review what I had just yelled. Dammit he was right, I did say that now what? I could take it back, but that's just not me. Unless I run you over with my car and then back up and do it again, then and only then, will I admit something is wrong. By the way, again, sorry about that Sammy, I honestly thought you were one of those new speed bumps that shriek when you go over! I paid your medical bills, and for the corrective surgery so would you just get over it already! Loosing focus, loosing focus…

"Yeah silly me, obviously I only had to look above your neck to see your ass."

"You know, for such a pretty girl, how did you end up with the mouth of a New York taxi driver?"

Are you seeing the problem with this guy? Why couldn't he just leave it at pretty girl? I might've calmed down if he left it there, but not this brain trust, he's like the energizer bunny!

"And for such a pretty boy, how did you end up with the IQ of a doormat?"

"Yeah right Meatball head, you look like a real genius yourself. Do you know what 2 plus 2 is? Can you spell apple?"

If only he had been wearing cleats when he shoved in that leg! Or a good pair of steel tipped stilettos. Of course if he were a cross dresser, this story would be going very very differently.

"Do you know what my foot plus your ass is? Can you spell hospital?"

"Violent little honey aren't you?"

"Moronic little playboy aren't you?"

"So you do think I'm cute. What's your name?"

Hello! Where is he, were we not just insulting each other? When you're in the middle of Mortal Kombat, you do not switch to the Love Connection and expect me to not be confused!

"My name is none of your business you psycho, I just met you for all I know you're a serial killer."

"Well if that's the case, we should be easily identified together seeing as every person on this street is staring at the 2 of us."

If you'll review previous statements, I hate people who stare. I was at my sweetest though and got rid of them quickly.

"If you people don't get back to your business everyone gets a trip to Tokyo General! The next person whose eyes I see on my ass is getting bludgeoned to death with my Hello Kitty backpack! Get moving I will put my foot…! Run maggots!"

See now wasn't I a lot nicer this time?

"Damn I was looking at your ass; does that mean I'm getting Hello Kittied?"

There he goes again with that freakishly long leg of his. I was imagining him with his leg stuffed down his throat, hopping desperately on one foot while still trying to talk. Oh dammit, he thought my smile at this picture was directed at his question.

"As much fun as killing you would be, I only just got the cops off my ass about the last one. So you see another day."

"You have a very nice ass."

"Oh hell, I'll just stuff you in a dumpster."

"Calm down Xena, it was a compliment. So what is your name?

"If I tell you, I really will have to kill you."

"Then I'll die happy. I'm Darien Chiba if you were wondering."

"I wasn't and my name's Serena."

How did fighting turn in to flirting? Where did I go wrong?

"No last name? What are you related to Madonna?"

"No are you sure you aren't related to Satan?"

"A few of her helpers but no solid blood lines."

"You think Satan is a woman?"

"Yes, how is your mother, doing well I hope? Well gotta go, I'll see you around Meatball Head!"

What did he just say? WHAT DID HE JUST SAY! I'll kill him, I'll gut him like a fish, and I'll WHERE THE HELL IS HE GOING!

"Where the hell are you going! Get back here so I can hurt you! I'll get you you jerk off and your little bony ass too!"

And that was the first of my many encounters with Darien Chiba. See there had to be more. Because no one gets the last word over me.

End of Chapter 1

So the love birds have met! What did y'all think? I hope you thought it was funny… Thanks to my earliest reviewers of this story: Gabby, Lorraine, 'One, and Mom (who clearly didn't really read it all or I'd a gotten smacked for all that swearing). If you like it let me know with a pretty review! If you hated it…Who cares I don't know you? Anyway, spread the word if ya like it so I can get more reviews! If I get a lot of love I'll update soooooooo much faster. Oh and one last thing, I've never done this putting your shit on the internet thing and made it hard going so anything you don't like about the formatting is not my fault. If you know how to fix it, drop me a line, if you want to complain about it just to complain, drop dead. Have a nice day! .