10

1/17/06

Author's Note: Hey People! I'm sorry; I kind of disappeared on this story for a while huh? Well I've been doing stuff for my major and trying to graduate from college and go to an Ivy League for grad so you'll forgive. If not…fuck it, you try it and see how ya do. I also joined a dance troupe and that keeps me busy and tired as all hell. But I hope everyone had a great however many holidays happened while I was on hiatus. Now on with the show! .

Disclaimer: I own nothing though I do take credit for characters embracing certain personality traits that lay dormant during the manga/anime. Like the crazy and the cussing.

All Men Are Jerks!

By DestinyManifested

Recap chapter 5:

I think it's just better if Darien and I cut our losses and let that last kiss and last slap be our parting memories of each other. I'm just too young right now, what do I want to bother with relationships for? I'm not getting married until my late twenties, I don't care if I'll need parts freeze dried, I will NOT be rushed into marriage! No one would try to push me anyway: Dad wants to keep me his innocent little girl forever (silly daddy too late), Mom wouldn't trust me in the care of children (OK, I only dropped Sammy on his head twice. That's good for a 5 year old! And he's paid me back for it with his very existence hasn't he?), and Sammy well who cares what he thinks he's a tool. My friends I won't even go into the kid conversation. We all range from wanting none to 5. I won't tell you which one of them is which. You get the joy of picking from no humane to insane.

One sec the doorbell's ringing So anyway, I don't see any reason why this whole matter can't be dropped. Sorry I disturbed you, go back to your normal life, and get the hell out of mine. Bye! .

..

"Hey Meatball Head."

God hates me doesn't she?

End of Chapter 5

Chapter 6: Meet the Parents or Run Stupid!

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Yes, this is as eloquent as I can get when I'm stupefied. What is he doing here? Last I saw him, my hand was still imprinted into the side of his cute little face and back up, back up! No cute! Absolutely no cute! Cute leads to talking, which leads to forgiving, which leads to kissing (because in my opinion there's no where else to go) and I need to nip this now! He has the emotional maturity of a gnat; he has the body of a god, but thAT MEANS NOTHING! Oh I am in serious trouble, I...I am standing here talking to myself while staring at him with a psychotic expression on my face. And he's backing away slowly...Hey I may not have to do anything! He'll run on his own. Oh wait, what's that? It smells like-

"Chocolates!"

snatch!

:SNARF SNARF GOBBLE SNARF:

Now, while I'm gorging he's talking, but over the mind numbing effect of chocolate to my taste buds, I'm not really processing what he's babbling about. Did he not see me last night? Hmm, maybe I should tune in to what he's saying- Ooh! Nougat!

Okay focus Serena, what did he just say.

"-rry. Damn, you work faster then a Bissell. So anyways-"

What did he say! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY! I'll kill him, I'll cut him, did he not learn from the first time! Verbal assault in two, one-

"You jackass!"

"You bring me chocolate and then you insult me! What the hell is wrong with y-"

And now there's kissing, and my brains kinda getting fuzzy, and what was my name again?

Wow I can hold my breath a lot longer then I thought. Consider taking scuba lessons...

..Oookay. Well. If he gives me a minute to process that then we might stand a-

"I figured that was the easiest way to shut you up before you got started."

God he's stupid.

"You daft prick."

"What did I do now?"

"Every problem cannot be settled with kissing, and if you thought it could you should've shut up while I was zoned out!"

"I already apologized to you several times but I didn't think you heard me over your impression of a Chocolate Hoover and I thought it would be better if I gave up and got to what we both agree on!"

"Why do you continue to do that? Don't insult me and flatter me in one sentence! It's kinda obvious which part I'm going to remember first! And you saw me eat ice cream, you should've known better then to give me the food first! What are you doing here anyway?

And how the hell did you know where I live?"

"I'd tell you if you'd calm the hell down! What's wrong with you? I drove over here with chocolates, I apologized, and yet you continue with your impression of a harpy!"

"I'll give you harpy you sanctimonious son of a- daddy!" I'm dead, I'm dead, oh wait. Why should I die alone? Ha, oh boy, fun for me.

"Daddy? Well that's new, but not really my thi- hello sir!"

"Who the hell are you, and why are you anywhere near my daughter?"

I thought I should take a pause to point out something, ladies, is there anything more annoying then dad/brother blockers? I mean sure, you want your dad to scare off the ugly, but it's when they scare off the pretty that we need to draw the line. And guys! You chicken shits, why you running? Aren't I, a beautiful young woman, enough of a reason for you to face down my father? And, ya know, his gun cabinet but- HEY COME BACK! Dammit. Well, for those of you who wondered why I'm still single, I give you exhibit A. Weighing in at 225, height of 6"1, and glasses so thick that Italy called and wants its secret formula back, I give you Daddy, a.k.a Cockblocker 2000!

Now I'm looking at my dad and I see, basically…a big ole dork. I mean I love him to death, of this there is no doubt, but I just don't see what strikes fear into the hearts of any male that shows interest in me. I mean what is it? My dad is just not intimidating; you should see my mom cold clock him with her spatula! And when he's inevitably mad at me or Sammy, it's so hard to take whatever he's yelling seriously because he flaps his arms like a retarded chicken trying to take flight just like my mom. And when we start laughing at him, which we always do, he starts laughing too. So what about this man says 'fear me'? I just don't get it. But apparently Darien does because he looks like he's about to piss on himself and…Oh…

Oh, oh, oh. No I couldn't do that; it'd just be too mean. And too me. Excuse me while I bite back an evil cackle. Oh you don't know what I'm planning? Well just watch o:

"Daddy, this is my boyfriend Darien! Isn't he gorgeous?" This was all executed with a big smile and I'm glued to Darien's side like a press-on nail.

And now my dad's looking at me like he has a chicken bone stuck in his clavicle, and Darien is looking at me like I just announced that I'm a man. This will be so much fun for me!

"Muffin, this is my father, Ken Tsukino, I'm so glad that my two favorite guys are finally getting a chance to meet!"

(Darien) "Uc ta do bu-" I think I just gave Darien a stroke. Neat!

(Daddy) "Nice to meet you young man. I suppose you've come to dinner, the family would like to get to know you better. Please come in."

Now see, my dad isn't even being marginally unpleasant! Why does Darien have that constipated expression on his…Oh my dad hasn't stopped shaking his hand…Actually, it looks like he's trying to break his- "Daddy that's enough handshake, let go now!" Honestly, when it turns white, its past shook!

(Darien) "Thank you, sir, I'll be right behind you, I just have to say something to Serena."

That something being along the lines of "You evil bitch!"? I know this; I don't need it shouted at me in my entryway. Besides, if he runs out the door now, daddy will just run him down with the Subaru so really, I'm doing him a favor.

"Oh baby, always wanting to cop a last feel, we can 'talk' later!"

LOL, sike! Not even I am that mean!

"Darling we can talk after dinner, come on I didn't get a chance to really introduce you to my mother!"

I am, however, that mean.

Right now I have a vice like grip on Darien's arm, trying to appear like I'm cuddling, while in reality, I'm trying to see if I can cut off circulation. Because, ya know, I'd find that funny. So how am I going to pull this off? I mean, my mom knows what happened; she's not going to buy my complete turn around into Barney Love country. Think Serena, think...Dammit, I have Amy for this! Excuse to get mom alone, excuse to get mom alone…HA!

"Is something burning?"

"My lasagna!" BAM! If her meal is in danger, my mom can put Superman to shame. I don't know if I should be ashamed that my mother can lap me…

"Mom, I have to tell y-"

"Serena my lasagna is fine, you scared the bejesus out of me what's wrong with you? How many times have I told you not to do that? I try very hard to make nice meals and you feel the need to make me freak out and sprint out of the room like I'm auditioning for the Olympics! It's just like that time you made me knock Sammy over because you said my cake was falling-"

"Excuse me, I did not make you knock the fungus over, I commented that your cake looked in poor shape and you bulldozed the little 'tard out of your way! It is not my fault you valued pastry over your only son!"

"That's ironic, coming from someone who has tried numerous times to make themselves an only child!"

"Well I can't be trying that hard, can I, he's still here." Damn him… "And forget the reject; I have to talk to you about Darien!"

"Darien would be the handsome young man you had the vice grip on when you walked into the room?"

How do mothers observe so much in so little time? Why hasn't this skill been tapped by the CIA?

"Yeah him, look-"

"Darien wouldn't happen to be Bo would he?"

See, 'cause if the CIA used it, they'd inflict it on their children less.

"Uh…maybe?"

"So Bo's appearance here would mean you decided…?"

"Is deciding when I make a decision? Because I haven't reached that phase in my emotional development yet." Thank you Dr. Phil!

"Serena that is the biggest load of shit in the world."

CIA I'm telling you, she'd solve half your case load in a week, just come pick her up!

"OK, well what-had-happened-was… I did make a decision. I was just going to forget the whole thing and act like we never met. But then he just showed up and, I still don't know he got our address come to think of it, but he brought me candy and my resolve kinda, ya know...ya know?"

"Uh huh. And did this great change in perspective happen before or after you ate all the chocolates and frenched him in front of the door?"

Take her dammit!

"Mom you spied on me? How could you do that, that is so-?"

"Oh Sere honey, shut up! First of all, I answered the door so naturally I wanted to see what the hot tall guy wanted with my daughter. It's not my fault that on walking back in to the hall I had the unfortunate pleasure of watching my daughter half maul said man for a chocolate box! I was standing in awed horror as you consumed a two pound box of chocolates in two minutes when the two of you started bickering which somehow morphed into a scene from a romance novel! At which point, I gave you some privacy-" There was some privacy for us to have left? "-and went in to the dining room to set the silverware. But then the two of you started shouting so imagine my surprise when you walked in hugging the boy's arm like an NSYNC groupie!"

"But you shouldn't have watched us at all!"

"Sweetie, let me clue you in to a concept you seem to have trouble grasping. IT'S MY DAMN HOUSE!"

Ah, here it goes!

"IF I WANT TO COME IN TO MY HALLWAY, I WILL COME IN TO MY DAMN HALLWAY! CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER THINK I AM NOT THE DUTIFUL MAID WHO FEEDS AND CLEANS UP AFTER YOU AND THEN SITS QUIETLY IN THE CORNER AWAITING YOUR NEXT REQUEST!"

"But wouldn't that be kinda cool?" OK wrong thing to say, I know this now! So she just took a swing at me with a wooden spoon so I'm going to put this cute little island between us and…Continue! To! Duck!...OW that thing hurts dammit!

"YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ME IN THE SLIGHTEST! I BET MINAKO'S MOTHER-"

"Before or after she's pouring herself in to bed around dawn?"

"THEN AMI'S MOM-"

"Who works so much that Ami asks to see her ID before letting her in to the house?"

"REI'S MOTHER…"

We both know not to bother going there! Who do you think Rei got it from?

"Your other friend's mothers-"

"Kinda dead. For awhile now. Why do you think they're always coming over here?"

:Sigh: "Well I still think you don't appreciate me."

On this I give and offer a Hallmark hug.

"I know I don't enough and I'm sorry. If it helps, when I'm a billionaire, I'm totally buying you a self cleaning house in the tropics."

"I want a masseuse too. Live in."

"Weekends."

"Deal. So what's going on? With all the yelling I thought you'd tossed Bo out on his tiny tushy?"

"I think I'm going to give things with Darien a chance…maybe. But I'm still pissed about all the arguing so I figured we'd make him work for it."

"Will this in any way require paramedics?"

"No."

"An alibi?"

"No."

"Therapy?"

"Not for you."

"Then I'll help, all things depending. What do I have to do?"

"I just need you to be you…to the two thousandth power."

"What, pray tell, does that mean?"

"You know how you get whenever grandma comes over for longer than a day? You know when Sammy and I run for our friend's houses and don't come back 'til the crazy crack lady that inhabited your body and can't stop cleaning/shrieking goes away?"

"OK, first, stop making me sound like Martha Stewart on a hallucinogenic. And second, I go insane which is why we only invite either grandmother over once a year and, for the sake of our marriage, she's forced to stay in a hotel. You want me to act like that on purpose?"

"No. I want you to act like both of them came over…and moved in with us indefinitely."

"Serena, if you hate the boy this much, just send him home!"

"Ha, I don't hate him! I just want to torture him a little…or a lot…Whatever! If at the end of it all, he still likes me, then we'll give it a shot and I'll make it up to him." I can make that fun enough for him to forget the torture. .

"And if he doesn't and, as any other sensible male would do, he runs screaming into the sunset, then what?

"Then I've literally ruined him for all other women. And I can live with that."

"How did I end up with a daughter who'd want to scare a man to gay town?"

"Oh please! And if dad had acted this way when you first met?"

"Well see that's different."

"How exactly?"

"Because I think you save this kind of thing for after the wedding. Get the ring, before anything, that was the motto in my day."

"Want to hear my motto?" There's a word in it that rhymes with 'duck'.

"No. Let's just get this over with."

"Hey mama I'm back!"

"What are you doing here twerp, I scared you away forever ago!" Trust my little brother to…wait! He can be used! If he can't be used, he'll be dismembered and thrown back outside. Either way works for me!

"Look! My darling little brother. I have company over and if you mess up this dinner I will wrap you like a mummy and bury you in the backyard so I can hear you beg for your life before you suffocate. And unlike last time, mom won't hear you screaming and fish you out."

"Mama-!"

"No sweetie, she's right, you mess this evening up and she gets to kill ya. Very creative by the way, Sere. Sammy, grab an extra place setting before you go in k doll?"

Yes! Finally my chance to double up on Christmas presents! Is it sad that I'm hoping he does mess up? Ah, who cares!

"Sere are you sure you want to do this?"

"Mom, I'm not a major gamer but I do know how it works. If Darien survives this dinner then that'll be the end of it, no more playing around, I'll give it an honest shot." For the first time in my natural life.

"OK. But don't you think this has been cruel enough?"

Wha?

"Huh?"

"You left the man alone with your father. For the last 15 minutes. And there's cutlery in there. If he isn't already dead, then-"

"OH SHIT!"

End Author's Note: So I hope you liked it, way short I know, but this is as good as it's going to get unless some people love me enough to review. I'm aiming for 10, come on people pretty please? .