Letting Go

Sydney was lying on her couch, watching her child play on the floor in front of her. She was playing with her dolls; gifts from grandpa. Sydney was amazed at how three simple toys could entertain for hours. She had asked for the day off. So she spent the entire day with her daughter. After the first time it beeped, she turned her pager and cell phone off.

It was times like these when she missed him most. Simple moments where all worries escape the Bristow household and time means nothing. The relaxing day of doing what they pleased, and doing it when they wanted.

She felt tears fill her eyes. She was surprised she had tears left to cry. Every time she thought about him she ended crying. Either bawling or a few tear drops falling down her face. The only place she wouldn't cry was at work, but she had come close on many occasions. She thought of him every night.

It wasn't fair. He didn't even get to hold his little girl. He wasn't there for her late night food cravings, morning sickness, or her rants about how fat she was. He didn't even hold her hand while she was delivering the baby. Dixson had instead of him. He was like a father or older brother to Sidney. Instead of Vaughn, Dixson was there.

She looked over at her child again. She was still pretending to be mommy to her dolls. Sydney felt sick. Her daughter will never know her father. The most amazing man.

After a while she felt at peace. Her heart didn't feel as broken and for the first time in so long she had hope inside of her. She sensed another presence in the room. She knew who it was, yet at the same time she was in disbelief.

She sat up and faced the other end of the couch. There sitting facing Sydney was Vaughn. Sydney opened her mouth to say something, but she was lost for words.

She finally managed to croak out, "Vaughn?"

"Sidney."

"You're dead!"

"I am"

"What…. I don't understand…"

"I came to help you. To tell you something."

"What?"

Vaughn looked over at their child. "Is that her?"

"Yes." Sydney once again felt tears in her eyes. "Her name is Isabelle."

"Oh Sid, she's beautiful."

"She has your eyes."

"She looks a lot like you."

"She looks more like you."

"She looks like us."

Small tears rolled down Sydney's cheeks. It wasn't possible, yet the love of her life was sitting across from her; staring at their child.

"I'm so proud of you Syd."

"What's there to be proud of?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I've done nothing. I'm a single mom, raising a kid. Where's the pride in that?"

"Do you really not know?"

"Know what?"

"How amazing you are. How incredibly strong you are. How well you're raising our child by yourself."

"Vaughn."

"Syd, I mean it! You are so great. I hate myself so much because I left you. I want so badly to be with you, to help raise our child."

Sydney's heart broke. She missed him so badly. And to know he loved her, just as much as she loves him was too much to bare. She broke down into tears.

"I love you Vaughn." She whispered through her tears. "I can't live my life without you. You're everything to me. I…" She couldn't say anymore. She was lost for words.

Vaughn scooted over by Sydney, and she collapsed in his arms. He was stroking her back when he whispered into her ear, "I love you Syd, more than you'll ever know."

"Please come back to me."

"I can't."

"Then why are you here now?"

"To give you a message."

"Why do I have the feeling I don't want to hear it?"

"Because what I have to tell you will be hard for me to tell, and hard for you to listen."

"Why?"

Vaughn looked into Sydney's eyes, praying to God that no matter what she would always love him.

"You have to move on."

"What?"

"It's been over three years since I died. I know you love me. I know I am the father of your baby girl. But three years Syd? You have to get over me."

Sydney pulled away from him. She was lost. How could she move on? She had never felt this way for any one; not even Danny. A year after Vaughn's death she told her self she would wait for him. She would never be with another man again. What would be the point? All she would ever do is compare him to Vaughn. And no one can compare to how loving, caring, and perfect Vaughn is.

"I can't," she stated after a long silence.

"You can."

"I can't"

"You got over Danny."

"Because of you."

"Then maybe another guy can help you move on."

"No, never."

"You can't be alone for the rest of your life."

"I have our daughter."

"What happens when she grows up?"

"I'll become a cat person."

"Syd…"

"No! I can't believe you want me to forget about you! The truth is I can't. I went on three dates since you left. Well, attempted any way. The farthest I got to was his car. I just couldn't do it! You're all I think about."

"The first thing is to let go."

"I can't! When I close my eyes, I can still feel your lips against mine. I can hear you tell me how much you love me. When I lie in bed I can still feel your warmth from your side of my bed."

"Sydney…."

"There's no way in hell I can forget about you; ever."

"I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. But somewhere inside of you, you think I can come back, that I'm still alive. But that's not true. It's not going to happen. I'm sorry, but I'm dead."

"No Vaughn!"

"Yes. Oh, God." Vaughn took a deep breath and took Sydney's hand. "This pains me Syd, it hurts so badly. To see you suffering and hurt. And there's nothing I can do. I can't comfort you, I can't dry away your tears, and I can't hold you every night in my arms. I can't stand to see you cry. Especially about me. I'm not worth your tears."

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not. You have to let me go. You don't deserve this. You don't have to move on right away, but you have to accept my death. If you can't do it for your self, do it for our baby girl, do it for Isabelle."

""Isabelle Nadia Vaughn-Bristow."

"It's a beautiful name."

"She's a beautiful baby. Do you mind that it's Vaughn-Bristow, and not Bristow-Vaughn?"

"It's a perfect name."

"I'm just glad it was a girl."

"What would you have done if it was a boy?"

"Michael Eric Vaughn-Bristow. "

"You wouldn't have had to do that."

"I know."

There was another pause of silence.

"I love you."

"I know."

"I can't love any one else."

"You made room in your heart for Isabelle."

"Isabelle is my daughter."

"And a daughter needs a father."

"Her father is dead!"

"Exactly."

"Go away before I hate you."

"Will hating me make you move on with your life?"

"No. Then I'd hate myself for hating you."

"Please Syd. As my last wish, move on with your life. I'm amazed and touched you're still mourning me. As one last favor, you need to live your life. Not constantly think of me."

"I talk to you. Did you know that? When I'm in trouble or lonely, or when I miss you so much it hurts, I talk to you. And in my head you answer back."

"You can do this by yourself. I won't be easy, but you can."

"The thing is, I don't want to do this without you."

"But unfortunately that's the way it is."

"I've thought about suicide many times."

"I know you wouldn't do that."

"Why?"

"Because you would never leave our child alone in this world. Because you are stronger than you think you are. Because you wouldn't do that to your dad. Because I'm asking you not to."

"You're right I wouldn't leave Isabelle alone. She's the only reason I get up in the morning."

"Sydney, you have to know this. I will always be with you. I'm you guardian angel. I'll watch over you for the rest of your life."

"I won't let you go."

"You have to. And I'll be right beside you. I'll be in your heart helping you get through everyday. I will look over you."

"It's so hard."

"I know, but you have to trust me. Do you trust me?"

"Yes. I would trust you with my life. I fact I have; many times."

"Then let me go. Move on with your life. You killed my murderer. I'm at peace."

"In heaven we will be together once again. And then, I'll never let you go. We will find each other again someday, we always will."

"I love you."

"Do you love me enough to let me go?"

"I can try."

"That means you can. I've seen your try. Just do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Never completely forget about me. Love someone else, but remember my love for you."

"I couldn't if I tried."

"Before I go, I want to give you this."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a diamond ring. He shows it to her.

"This was going to be his wedding ring. I bought it as soon as I saw it. It was perfect for you."

He places it into the palm of hand and folded her hands over it.

"I have to go now. Just remember I'm your guardian angel and I love you."

Sydney was crying again. "I love you too," she whispered.

Vaughn closed his eyes and disappeared.

Sydney laid back on the couch closing her eyes, memorizing every moment. She felt her self shake and someone calling her name. She opened her eyes. There were Isabelle's eyes, staring right back into hers.

"Mommy, you were sleeping forever. I'm hungry."

" What? I was asleep?"

"Yes."

Sydney felt sick. I was all a dream. Vaughn never came to her. He never gave his consent to move on. She would dream of this forever. But then she realized something. Her hand was still in a fist. She opened it up and there was Vaughn's ring. It was perfect.

"Mommy, can I have macaroni and cheese?"

"Yah, sure."

Her daughter ran off to play.

Sydney broke down into tears again. There was only one through running through her mind. She couldn't deny it any more; Vaughn is dead, he really is.

kim

Thanks for reading. It wasn't going to be this long, but now it is. I know they repeat some dialoge over a couple times. but Sydney's pretty stuborn and i think it would take her a while for Vaughn to convice her to live her life.