Disclaimer: sadly, I do not own Gilmore Girls
A/N: So. I'm entirely sorry that it's been three years since I've updated, I never planned on leaving this unfinished, but life happens, right? Basically, I moved to California and hated it, lost my muse for writing and was working 40+ hours a week, so I didn't have a lot of time to write, and when I did, I hated everything. This has been sitting in my google docs for a while and I've been debating if I should ever post it, because I didn't want to give y'all false up that I was back. I've tried writing something to wrap it up, but I feel like that's cheating and I can't bring myself to do but on the other token, writing anything GG is hard for me anymore. I don't know if I'll ever finish this or any of my other stories on here and I'm sorry. But here's the next chapter that, hopefully, ends on a slightly happier note.
The grammar might be messy, it's unedited.
- - -
- - -
We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now
She felt like screaming, crying, to yell at the top of her lungs, anything to rid herself of the weight that seemingly was attached to her. Refusing to go anywhere. It was pain staking to keep moving forward without wanting to relapse into the emptiness that was still chasing her, trying to draw her back into the the blackness that, she knew, was still lurking around, waiting for the moment to creep over her.
Yesterday she had been as fine as she could have been. It hadn't really hit her until later that night that she was really going to find out if she was repeating Lorelai's mistake. The hurt, the anger, the pain washing over her anew without Tristan to distract her and her thoughts. Though one of the best things that came out of the day was that it gave them a better chance to talk and hash things out. For Tristan to express thoughts and his feelings on things.
The fact that he was still being open with her, gave her hope that things would turn out okay after all.
In a fleeting moment, she had wished she could get through this with her back straight, head held high and without the track of tears marking her skin. But like Tristan pointed out, she wasn't like Paris and she was like everyone else. She was human and was allowed her weak moments just like the rest of the world.
It was scary, she realized, leaving behind your best friend as you grew, taking the changes in stride. While others tightened their grasp, desperately hanging onto the past and refusing to accept the things that were changing. She had thought she knew her mother better than this, knew she was better than this, but every time she thought of Lorelai lately, she felt that tug of disappointment in her chest.
Not just for her refusal to accept Tristan, but for trying to pile the blame on his shoulder. For thinking that he pushed her to do things she had happily taken part in. Sometimes even igniting it herself.
There was something about her relationship with Tristan that scared her mother. In the past, when she tried beginning the subject up, she would just brush it off with a joke and pretend everything was okay. But still, she could recognize the fear because she had felt it herself before she just stopped over analysing everything when it came to him. It just... it wasn't like she didn't want to, it was like her brain stopping functioning when she tried to figure out what every thing done and said meant. It wasn't something she was even conscience of until she was watching his tail lights disappear at the end of the night.
It was not until she was safely locked away in her room that her actions came back to her. Sometimes it would shock at how... willing and free she would let herself become. She always thought it was cliche before, but when she was with him, she didn't care what other people thought of her, she just wanted to be with him and be who she was because she knew he wasn't judging her every moments.
No matter what happened today, she knew she wasn't going to be able to regret anything that happened. There was nothing to regret about being with Tristan. And she had no control over Lorelai, she just wished she could have handled that situation better than she did.
Sighing, she stretched, thinking she was going to miss Tristan's bed when she returned home. Even though she missed the comfort of her own house, she still wasn't ready to go home and face her mother. Even knowing the longer she put it off, how much harder it would be to return to Stars Hollow.
Rolling over, she snuggled against Tristan's pillow, happily pulling it against her and inhaling his scent. She didn't know what it was, but he always smelt so good. It was always something vanilla and cinnamon-y with the pure male scent. And what ever cologne he chose to wear. It always baffled her how he managed to smell so good, even amongst the sweaty students in Chilton, he still smelt good - not that she was complaining.
As if he could hear her thoughts, Tristan stepped out of the bathroom, clad only in a towel he had tucked around the waist. Pretending to be asleep, she shifted her eyes so she could peek out from behind her lids, hoping he couldn't tell she had woken up. His tanned chest still held the fresh droplets of the shower he had just gotten out of. She watched carefully as a drop slid down over his abs and teasingly under the cotton around his hips. Biting back a groan, she closed her eyes completely, knowing if she continued looking at his wet body, she was going to be in even more danger.
Then, as if taunting her, that vanilla scent filled the room, dancing happily up her nostrils, almost like it was daring her to open her eyes and find her boyfriend changing right in front of her. Instead, a hand clapped over her hip, causing a startled yelp to escape her lips and a husky laugh from the owner of the hand.
Rolling onto her back, she saw Tristan leaning over the bed, one of his knees propped on the mattress, poking through the slit of the towel where to two ends met, showing his muscular and still very wet thigh. Without thinking, she licked her lips, suddenly growing hot and desperate for something to cool the room. Faintly she could still see the water dripping down him as his hair hung in wet clumps over his skull.
Suddenly, he leaned over, pressing his lips against hers in a fever that has been lacking lately. Rough and demanding as his tongue pushed against her lips, begging for the entrance he wanted. The heat was engulfing as she opened her mouth and met each kiss with equal desperation. For once, not thinking about that was wrong with her life but just simply loosing herself in everything that Tristan was. How she suddenly couldn't feel anything except the hand that was still clamped tightly against her hip, how the fabric she was wearing suddenly seemed trapping and itchy against her skin.
He pulled back and before she could catch her breath, he was sucking on her lips, tracing them with his tongue before nipping at them with his teeth. He fell forward, his other arm bracing his body above hers and before she could stop them, her hands were tracing the wet muscles she had been practically drooling over. His lips moved lower, pressing his lips against her neck, kissing anything that was skin, nipping and sucking at random.
She couldn't get her breathing even and everything was coming out in short, panting gasp as his hand moved from her hip, mapping her body over the itchy clothes. This felt good, to have his tongue and lips mark different areas while his hand did the work where his lips weren't touching. To feel that heat from his lips, almost like his touch, to any part of her skin, was a wild fire and once it got to a certain point, neither of them were going to be able to control it.
Needing more, her hands found his head, pulling their lips together, teeth clashing and tongues dueling as she arched into his hand. Her hands dipped lower, toying with the edges of the towel that was still wrapped around him. It would be so easy to simply ease the towel and have nothing but a gorgeous, wet, naked body at her demand...
She could already feel the effects their... moment was causing him as she brushed her hand over him, the vibrations of his groan going through her. Without a second thought, she raised her hands, pushing against his chest until their lips only ghosted over each other and his forehead touched hers.
"What a way to start the morning, huh?" the body above her chuckled before easing away from her.
"Good morning." she sighed, still not ready to open her eyes.
"If that's any sign, it's going to be a fucking good morning." Tristan smirked, looking over his girlfriends rumbled form, pleased with his work.
She didn't have it in her to suppress the laugh that came bubbling up, enjoying the light atmosphere that settled over them. It was enjoyable, even sensual, to wake up and be ravished by your boyfriend who is clad only in a towel.
It was so simple, she thought, being with Tristan just being herself. Not worrying about if she did or said anything, what he was going to think of her. She didn't have that burden with him.
- xXx -
"So," Tristan said, as he slid into his car. "how do you want to do this?"
At her confused look, he elaborated. "I mean, do you just want to go get a test from a store? Or go to a clinic...?"
Worrying her bottom lip, she realized she never thought how she was going to go about this. It was simple in her head, go find out if she was pregnant, that was that. She didn't take into account how that was going to happen. It was either pee on a stick or in a cup.
If she went to a clinic, she would have to wait for the results. If she bought the test herself, she would know in a matter of minutes but wouldn't know if it was 100 percent accurate. Sighing, she tugged on the sleeve of her shirt. "How about the... store? I'm not sure how much longer I can take not knowing if I am or not."
Nodding, he pulled out of the drive-way, his right hand gently resting on her knee.
The ride to a corner store was silent except for the radio that played but neither paid it any attention, too lost in their own thoughts. Wondering if they were going to have a blue-eyed baby in nine months and fight that much harder to support another life.
It was a scary thought. Still being a kid yourself and having one while you're still growing and learning and finding yourself. Basically giving up your life so you can give your child a good life with fond memories. We're not ready... but again, who was ever ready to have a kid?
Closing her eyes, Rory leaned farther into the leather seat, her stomach knotted with nerves. She was surprised she had ate at breakfast, thinking her belly was completely crammed with the butterflies and nerves that seemingly found a new home.
She couldn't imagine what Tristan's parents would say if she was pregnant. They were hard to read... they seemed nice and relaxed but what would they say if they found out their 17 year-old son had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. They were Hartford Elite, after all. They have to have some type of preservation for their reputation. She had been at enough dinners with the Gilmore's to know that no matter who you were, these type of things always ended up in the tabloids. She also knew that having a teenager with a baby on the way, wasn't something people usually liked doing business with. Because, after all, if they let their child get pregnant, who knows what else they do? That was according to Emily Gilmore, anyway.
With a shattering heart, she knew this would be the last straw for Lorelai. There would be no return from this. She could see herself practically living at the Dugray's, if they would have her, just to escape the disappointment that would swallow her mother.
If she really wasn't pregnant, then there would be no reason to tell her. Not if she wanted to have a fighting chance to fix their relationship.
Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose. This was too much stress piled on her shoulders, she could practically hear her joints begging for relief from the pressure.
"We're here." said Tristan, his voice gentle with the rough edge around it that meant he was worried but was trying to hide it.
Biting her lip, she looked up, eyeing the people coming and going, wondering if any of them had to every buy a pregnancy test at her age.
Drawing a breath, she unbuckled her seat. "I... are you coming in?" she asked, looking over at him. She held back the gasp that came rising up her throat, startled by the intense, electric blue eyes that were looking back at her.
He spoke slowly, almost as if he wasn't sure about what to answer. "If you want me to..." he trailed off, hesitantly.
Staring back into the intense blue, glad her voice wasn't trembling like her insides were. "No. I think... I have to do this on my own?"
Nodding, he leaned over, cupping her rosy cheeks and pulling her face forward until their lips met in a slow, warm dance that pushed the bile back down her throat.
Pulling back, she rested her forehead against his, their noses bumping against one another. "I'm not going anywhere."
His warm breath washed over his skin, making his words even more emotional as he whispered words she needed to hear. His thumbs pressing and smoothing skin on her face, his eyes closed tight. "We're not going anywhere. It's going to be okay, I know it. We'll be okay, baby."
Her heart swelled, tears wetting her eyes as she heard truth and love coat each word.
Pressing their lips together again, she couldn't help but pour everything into Tristan, every ounce of love and hope she had. She hoped he understood as she pulled him closer, tracing his jaw as every moment she ever needed him flashed behind her eyes. He was always there.
She may have lost someone nil could replace but she also found someone who loved and supported her - no matter what.
- xXx -
Taking a deep breath, Rory leaned down, comparing the test in her hand. Well, tried to anyway. The moment she walked into the store, her hand would not quit shaking. And she kept looking over her shoulder every 5 seconds.
She could do this. She just had to pick a brand and buy more than one. No, two different brands and at least 3 boxes. So that way, if one came out negative and the other positive... she would have the third. What if the third one is faulty too? Better make it four.
Deciding, she dumped the test into the basket hanging on her arm. Backing off the aisle, she bummed into something. No, make that someone, and caused the contents of her basket the fall to the floor. "I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going and I just..." Rory rambled, scrambling to pick the items up before someone saw.
"Oh don't worry about it. I wasn't exactly watching where I was going, either." The person, Rory found out, was a middle aged woman. She was smiling and Rory thanked the heavens that she wasn't angry.
Looking down at her basket, she realized she missed a test. Shit!
"I hope you're alright." the lady said, offering an apologetic smile.
"I'm fine, but thank you." Rory sent her a brief smile, her eyes still roaming the ground for that fourth box.
"Oh, it seems you missed something." said the woman, leaning over to pick it up. The smile promptly fell off her lips. "Oh. I see." was all she said as she realized what it was. Handing Rory the test before turning and walking away, shaking her head.
Looking around, Rory realized that she was getting a few stray looks. People looking at her basket, only to look at her again before their eyes looked back at the items she was carrying before giving her a look full of pity.
Swallowing the lump forming in her throat, she set the basket on a counter and walked out, not once looking back.
As she slid into the dark blue car, she could feel those first few helpless tears slip from her eyes.
She was right, she couldn't do this.
If a few looks from people she didn't even know could make her that upset, how was she going to handle it if she really was pregnant and had to tell Lorelai? Richard and Emily? Lane and Luke? Chris?
She faintly heard Tristan curse and scoop her up, bringing her into his lap as the hiccuped.
"I'm okay, I'm okay." she lied, smoothing her hand over and over the same spot on Tristan's shirt.
He snorted. "Yeah, and I'm the sand man."
Biting her lip, she inhaled. "I couldn't do it. I mean, I was going to but everyone was staring at me and they were giving me these looks, Tristan. I just... I couldn't help but see this pity they had for a girl they never met because she was buying a bunch of..." Funny, she could say it early but now, she choked on the words and pressed deeper into her boyfriends arms.
Tristan said nothing, just held her as she composed herself, rubbing her back and just being there for her was enough.
Rubbing the tears off her face, she slid into her seat.
"I'm so pathetic." she mumbled to herself, rummaging through the glove compartment for a tissue.
Tristan sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. "No you're not, Rory. You're human.
"I knew I should have went in with you."
Biting her lip, Rory looked away and out the window, watching as a squirrel ran up a tree. Wondering if the cute animal had any worries other than finding food and putting it away for winter.
Sighing, she looked over at Tristan. He was staring out the windshield, a bemused look twisting his face.
"Did you think I wasn't going to be able to go through with it?" she asked, adverting her eyes as his slowly slid to hers. They weren't the deep ocean of emotions she had seen earlier, they were cool and calm.
His words kept repeating through her mind, over and over, mocking her. I knew I should have went in with you. I knew I should have went in with you.
Did that mean he didn't expect her to be able to actually buy them? Or that he knew she was going to turn tail-in and run, too chicken to buy them?
Even though she wasn't looking at him, she could still feel his eyes piercing her, pinning her under his spell.
"I wasn't sure." he said.
"How could you not know?" she mumbled back, still refusing to look at him.
Out of the corner of her eyes she could see his shoulders easily left and fall in casual shrug. "It was a fifty-fifty chance, Rory. You were either going to go through with it or once you actually picked them up, you were going to realize the weight of the situation and freak out."
It was amazing, she thought, that in their short amount of time together, he had come to know her better than she would have thought. It sounded so much like her, she realized, as he explained it aloud. To buy them, she was going to have to push it out of her mind and not focus on that fact she was buying a pregnancy test. But that didn't matter, she had let her emotions swallow her up and overwhelm her until she felt like she was drowning in the waves of shame.
She had thought that since the misfortune of actions with her dwindling relationship with Lorelai was going to leave her in a black hole of despair. Because loosing someone that has been your best friend your whole life, wasn't something you just got over. It was going to take a while. Even if they did get their relationship back on the right track, it was never going to be the same again. The growing distance between them had honestly started since Dean had tried to work is way back into her heart and she shut him out. Something Lorelai didn't quite understand, since he was, after all, the "perfect boyfriend".
Tristan... he wasn't perfect. In fact, no one was but he didn't try and act like he had it all figured out. He was... just. He listened and shared with her. He understood her better than anyone, even herself sometimes. He could be pushy but patient; he knew when to push her at the right moments. And when to back off. Or when he knew it wasn't the right time, he could wait.
He was everything she needed.
He was everything to her.
"I..." she cleared her throat, shoving against the thoughts still clogging her head.
"Hey hey. You don't owe anyone an explanation, Ror. I get it." he said, reaching over and holding her hand, running his fingers over her knuckles.
"I feel like," she paused, squeezing her eyes shut. "that I can't seem to do anything without you. That if you weren't around, I would be this huge lost mess."
If if weren't for me, you wouldn't be in this mess to begin with, Tristan thought while Rory paused in her speech, searching for the right words to describe how she felt.
"It's scary, Tristan. The only person before you I used to rely on this much was Lorelai but things are pretty much coarse between us anymore. I wonder sometimes if you realize how much this..." the words and emotion burned in her throat so much that they stuck there, refusing to pass the invisible barrier. She gestured with her hands between the them, hoping he understand what her words were failing to say.
"-means because it's not just some high school fling. It's real." Tristan whispered, reaching over to cup his girlfriends face, bringing their lips together in a messy and emotion drenched kiss. Her words hit the spot that was slowly scarring over, but with each emotional word and gesture, they ripped the wound right open without care, bringing every burning sensation to the surface once more. He felt like he was going to drown in the fervid waves that kept hitting him, over and over relentlessly.
It was one thing for him to push his thoughts and feelings aside while they were trying to figure out if he ended up getting her pregnant, but another entirely when he could hear and taste the guilt coated on her tongue. Because that meant he couldn't simply forget about it like a bad day, it was going to be there until one of them brought it up. It wasn't going to disappear because that's what he wanted. The words, the guilt, wouldn't let it rest until he was completely spent from bringing the hurt, pain and everything he had felt, back up.
When he had a free moment, a clear moment when his head wasn't swimming in the nagging guilt and hurt that he was refusing to acknowledge was lingering in the back of his mind, like a bad taste in the back of his throat. The scene, the words, that deafening moment he never realized he feared until the words were hanging in the air, was on constant replay in his head. Playing over and over, a self torture that was mocking him.
He knew if he told Rory any of this, she would rightfully blame herself, but he couldn't put her through that. Not knowing he could have possibly ruined her future, knowing as it was she still blamed herself, knowing her well enough to know that his words didn't completely pacify her.
The one thing Rory Gilmore always wanted, no matter how much it hurt her, was the truth. And that's what he gave her before his head could understand what he was doing. He poured it out, letting her waiting heart hear the turmoil that he didn't realize was wrapped around him until he heard his own jumbled words and hurt fall from his lips. This wasn't how he saw this playing out in his mind, they would get coffee, somewhere where she was comfortable and he would be as cool as the situation allowed him to be, clear headed and be able to talk like he wasn't on the verge of shattering.
Instead, he was setting side ways in his car with his body leaned towards the middle, shaking in emotion that shook him to the core. Running the sweaty palms through his hair, hoping that it dry them once and for all. He felt the most vulnerable and exposed than he ever had before. It was like setting here, slowly removing the mask and pointing to every scar he carried around with him and explaining them in full detail. His voice quivering with each emotional battle he over-came.
Expressing himself, putting his heart out there on the line wasn't something he had experience with. So when he finally stopped, the weight dissolving off of his shoulders and draining the energy out of him, the last thing he expected were a pair of lips gently tracing the lines of his face before pulling him into a slow and loving kiss.
He was wasn't expecting it but he welcomed it.
- xXx -
"You sure you want to do this?" Tristan asked, an hour later. Composed and ready to face what ever challenges they were about to come face-to-face with. He and Rory were both emotionally drained but there was no way they could return to his house without answers.
"I have to be." Rory mumbled back, squeezing Tristan's hand as she stared at the ordinary building. No signs that indicated what laid beyond the doors that listed the hours. She would have drove by it a dozens times and never known what it was.
Steeling herself, she slowly moved forward, carefully avoiding the flowers that lined the paved walk-way.
All she had to do was focus on her breathing and Tristan's warm hand in hers. She could do this with her rock right there beside her, even if she put a crack in him. She felt spent and just drained, like she could spend the next two days sleeping but part of growing up was owning up to your mistakes. And it was time for her to own up to all of her mistakes.
She knew Tristan had been holding back but in the car, his seams broke open and the flood came pouring out that he had been trying repair on his own. It was a burden and relief to listen to his words, as his voice shook with emotion so deep, it rocked her to her soul, stealing her smart words until the only thing she had left was just breaths of air she could barely breathe.
She could feel that the wall that was slowly erecting itself between them was crumbling. But she was still stuck with the words that would haunt her for the unintentional hurt she caused him. "I know you didn't mean it that way, because you can't even be mean to Paris that way. But fuck, Rory, that was like me comparing you to Louise. It's not easy to listen to, and it hurts like a bitch to top it off."
They silently made their way into the building, preparing themselves for what was about to come next.