Dearest Darling Diary,

I love aritellamation. That's what it's called, right? Something like that. It's been a long time since primary school. The one thing that I've decided Muggles have right is their primary schools. I'm sick and tired of minions who can't use proper grammar! Let alone really cool literary devices like aritellamation. Well, at least that's one more thing I can do that they can't.

I have come to the conclusion that my minions are all inbred twits. Crabbe and Goyle actually managed a full sentence between them, today! I was ever so impressed. In fact, I was so impressed that I used a cutting curse across Goyle's voice box.

Some people just shouldn't speak.

My dissertation on pain has been momentarily set aside, unfortunately. More pressing matters have come up. The Potter boy has left on a quest. What does he think he is, a knight in shining armor? Ugh. Gryffindors disgust me.

Well, if he's so anxious to play knight, maybe I ought to play along – distress a damsel. Or two. See if he comes running. I'm sure he will – he always has in the past, and it isn't like he's smart enough to see that doing the same thing over and over again will not make you succeed.

Oh. Ouch. I feel the irony, alright! Let it go.

Still, maybe if I kidnap that horrid mudblood of his… Or his red haired whore. Of course, I seem to recall the last time I killed a Potter's red haired whore, I ended up getting… temporarily misplaced. Well, still, I should probably kill her know before there's a baby to complicate things.

Merlin… That's a chilling thought. The Potter brat is getting old enough to multiply. A cockroach! The idiot is a bloody cockroach! Ugh. Maybe instead of playing villain to his knight, I ought to be researching how to wipe out cockroach infestations.

I wonder if Hogwarts is flammable?

I feel like chicken tonight. Or maybe liver. Liver and onions, with brussel sprouts and lima beans. That seems like a proper meal for a bad guy, doesn't it?

When did I start thinking of myself as the bad guy? Or am I just being ironic? Probably a bit of both – I fully admit to being Dark, it's in my frigging title – and the naïve have drawn the conclusion that dark means evil means bad guy.

Lovely.

But I'm still rooting for me!

Actually, come to think of it, I always rooted for the bad guy growing up. Huh. That's funny. Or, at least ironic.

Irony is another things wizards miss out on, because they don't bother to learn how to use and describe our language.

Maybe that should be one of my early reforms, after I take over the world. Everyone has to go to school so they can learn aritellamation and irony. Remind me of that, won't you darling diary? I have the feeling it might turn out to be important some day.

Bella is being an idiot again. Insane Bella Lestrange. She really had no business leaving Azkaban, what with her current mental presence. Oh well. If you can't have smart henchmen, then settle for crazy fanatics – they'll get the job done and they won't demand pensions.

Do you know, the Lady Healer had the gall to ask me about the health insurance for my Death Eaters?

I wonder if I were to kill her husband and make it look like an accident, she would marry me instead. Such a wonderfully frightening woman – she knows all about irony and stuff! I couldn't even bring myself to torture her for impertinence. (Actually, I started laughing and nearly scared a new recruit to death.)

Nagini is jealous. I sent her out to go frighten the minions. Make sure those recruits know what they've gotten themselves into. Never let it be said Lord Voldemort isn't honest!

Which is a better policy, do you think: honesty or reassurance?

The saying goes 'Honesty is the best policy,' and the order of fried chickens say that's their policy – but really they're all about reassurance. They just want people to be (shudder) happy and cheerful and get along with each other.

I think they're a bunch of hypocrites.

Me, though. I'm honest. Sneaky, yeah. Cunning, yeah, Dark as Hell, yeah. But at least I'm honest about it! I even sign my name to everything that I'm responsible for! That floating Dark Mark? Seriously, that's me being honest!

I don't lie. I'm too powerful to need to hide behind lies. Dumbledore had to hide behind lies. And who is the dead one now, hm?

I win!

And I'm bloody hungry. I'm off to scrounge up that liver and onion dish I was talking about.

Farewell darling!

Love, Tommy


A/N: When Voldy says "aritellamation," what he's really trying to say is "alliteration," which is the repetition of the first letter of a word. "Dearest Darling Diary" is alliteration.

And he thinks he's so smart. :)

I'm debating whether I want to write the end of the story MY way, or if I ought to wait for the seventh book so that I can be cannon… Hmmm… What do you all think?