AN: Hey! I did promise this wasn't an abandoned story (just because i haven't updated since May 2006, but lets not talk about that ;;). For those of you who are actually going to continue to read, omg thank you! I just got into making music videos and my muse for writing vanished, but my muse for videos has now vanished so i'm back to my Harry Potter stories! XD
- Chapter 11: Love Just Is
Chapter 11: Love Just Is
'There was something promising in the air that night, and after searching for any hint of the whereabouts of our Golden Wonder, luck would have it as Daily Prophet photographer, Mari Staffonard, came across one Harry Potter enjoying a boys night out in Spellbound, a local nightclub in the village of Langley Vale in Surrey.'
'But it seems our 18 year old probable saviour-of-the-world has found something to keep his mind off the impending war between You-Know-Who, by finding solace in the arms of two once co-classmates, Seamus Finnigan (Gryffindor, co-dorm mate) and Draco Malfoy (Slytherin, son of recently deceased convicted death eater Lucious Malfoy).'
Harry couldn't bring himself to read the rest of the newspaper report on his drunken doings last night, and vaguely skipped through the rest picking up random sentences, like pinning Draco to the wall and being dragged off to the toilets.
'Sorry ladies, but it looks like Harry's out and left us all in the closet.'
Harry dropped the newspaper on the table and sighed, resting his chin in his palms, leaning on the table, "What is it with this closet analogy?" he mumbled to himself, closing his eyes not wanting to see the accusing stare of his best friend sitting opposite.
Hermione sat with them at the kitchen table, eyeing the boys in front of her with annoyed narrowed eyes, tapping her foot impatiently. Since they'd sat down neither had said a word to each other, Harry in the end picking up the Daily Prophet on the table to 1) read to give him something to do other then feel incredibly awkward, and 2) turn over the front page so it faced the back so the picture of him snogging Seamus wasn't in Ron's eye line as the red head did nothing but stare at the table top.
Harry sat to Hermione's right, along with Draco. Having now put the paper down, Harry sat with his hands in his lap mimicking Ron, staring at the table top, avoiding everyone's eyes and trying to pretend that he wasn't blushing so hard at the thought he'd just been caught having his second hand job by Draco Malfoy. Draco was sitting next to him, one leg crossed over the other, arms crossed over his chest, glaring up at Seamus.
Hermione hadn't really wanted Seamus or Draco to be here while she tried to settle these goings on between Harry and Ron, but Draco had refused to leave, curious as to what Ron had been so nervous over, and Seamus, well, he just wanted to watch.
Seamus was standing to Hermione's left, leaning against a kitchen counter behind Ron, drinking a can of coke through a straw and staring straight back at Draco trying not to laugh. Ron sat at the table in front of him, and it was Ron who had the strangest expression. It was a mix between anger, embarrassment, nervousness and panic, although no one but Hermione currently knew why.
"You can't sit here in silence forever you know." Hermione said to break the uncomfortable atmosphere, leaning forward and resting her folded arms on the table, looking to Harry to Ron and back again. "I think you both have something to tell each other here."
"No I don't!" Ron quickly exclaimed.
"Yeah nothing at all." Harry mumbled, risking a glance at Hermione, but her glare sending his eyes straight back down to staring at the table.
"Well I'm not leaving until Ron, you apologise, and Harry…" she paused, her expression suddenly one of slight embarrassment, "…and Harry, well…I really think you should tell Ron what's going on here." She said softly, glancing at Draco who still hadn't removed his own eyes from Seamus's smirking ones.
"I've got nothing to apoligise for!" Ron said defensively, turning away in a very Draco-esque style.
"Ron, you apologising was the whole reason you asked me here." Hermione exasperated, "You're lucky Maria was in early for her shift or I wouldn't have been able to leave St Mungo's and you'd be here handling this on your own."
Ron snapped back to her, "Yeah well wasn't expecting to come home and find that," he shouted, pointing at Draco, who in turn swiftly removed his eyes from Seamus and turned at Ron instead, "doing…doing…eurgh, what he was doing to my own best friend in a bloody coat closet!"
Harry groaned softly and sunk down in his chair, still avoiding everyone's eyes.
"Harry has absolutely nothing to apoligise for." Hermione glared at him, "An explanation maybe, yes, but he has no reason to apoligise."
"Yes he does…" Ron grumbled, folding his arms and glaring at Harry.
"No he doesn't, and besides, you have far more to apoligise for. Now are you going to tell him what you've done or shall I?"
Harry slowly looked up at Ron, his embarrassment so far having kept back the inquisitiveness as to what Ron could possibly have to apoligise for, and looked at his best friend sheepishly, whose eyes softened at the look and looked away at the floor.
A fighting confrontation was taking place within Ron, whether to be angry with Harry, or worried that he was going to explode in anger at him when he found out what he'd done.
"No, I'll tell him." Ron sighed, sitting up straighter in his chair and closing his eyes, putting his head on his hands and resting his elbows on the table. "Ok. Harry, I never told you where I worked did I?" he said.
Harry looked up and frowned softly, thinking back, "No." he replied, surprising himself.
Ron sighed again, paused, and finally found the courage to tell him, "I work at the Daily Prophet."
Harry's eyes widened, "What?" he asked, his voice strangely deeper.
"It's not what it sounds like." Ron quickly defended himself, leaning back upright and looking at Harry, "I only worked in the printing department, it was the first job that was offered to me, and you know I've been dying to get out of my parents house and mum said I could leave once I got a job, so I grabbed it." he paused and sighed again, "And…well you know when I came home yesterday and was acting all weird? Not wanting to go anywhere?"
"Well…" Ron was starting to get nervous, "Well I was just chatting to some guy who I was working with and, well…he was talking about how he'd just moved in with his girlfriend, a-and he kind of asked me where I lived, and I…I said I lived in Langley Vale, just moved in with my best friend and…and…." Ron's eyes were fixed at the table, "and I might have mentioned that that best friend was you." He finished quietly.
Harry's eyes widened briefly as he realised where this was heading,"…oh no." he sighed, closing them.
"I know you came to live here 'cause it was really out the way and quiet, so i-if You-Know-Who did do anything it would be out the way, and you could just wait for your Aura training and all, so as soon as I said it I regretted it 'cause this guy was all over me asking questions really excited like, and then later on in the day my boss came to me and asked if it was true I lived with Harry Potter and where abouts in Langley Vale he was, and I panicked and I wouldn't tell him and then I got surrounded by reporters and Rita Skeeter was there and oh god it was a nightmare!" Ron exclaimed quickly, covering his face with his hands, "Luckily it was nearly 5 o'clock when all this started so I just got home as quickly as possible and the reason I didn't want go anywhere was because I was afraid they'd have reporters out and if they saw me they'd know you'd be there somewhere, but then Seamus was just so bloody insistent we went out I couldn't say no and then I got drunk and then found out that Mari was a bloody reporter and she-"
"He." Seamus corrected.
"Whatever!" Ron flushed, "IT must have been one of the ones in the crowd around me at work and I know you're going to be so furious with me Harry and probably hate me for this now but if it makes you feel any better I quit the job this morning so mum'll probably make me go back and live with her and-"
Hermione put a hand on his shoulder to stop his ramble, "It's okay Ron, I think you've said enough now."
Ron took deep breath and sighed slowly, "I'm sorry Harry," he said quietly, "I really am, I didn't mean to cause all this trouble, I'm a complete and total berk."
Harry sat there with an exasperated look on his face, alternating between closing his eyes wishing this wasn't happening, to staring blankly at the table. Hermione looked between the two, and when no one spoke, she leant in towards Harry.
"How did you find out Mari was a guy?"
Ron blinked at Harry's sudden question, expecting an argument over how stupid Ron had been after only living there for a few days, and hadn't been expecting that question with such a calm voice. Harry held Ron's gaze strongly, but after that brief shock had gone, Ron flushed with embarrassment at the recollection of last night, suddenly finding the one inept glass sitting on the table very interesting.
"Er, well, we…well I was…you know we were all drunk and…"
As Ron continued to stare at the glass, Harry's eyes perked up in interest at how awkward Ron looked.
Hermione nudged Ron in the arm, "Tell him." she whispered.
Ron half sighed and half groaned, then looked at Harry pleadingly, "Don't laugh okay?"
Ron ignored Seamus's not so subtle snort of laughter behind him, and Harry just smiled quickly at him. Ron caught Draco's look, smirking at him, waiting for this interesting piece of information to be brought forth.
Ron sighed in defeat, "Eurgh, ok, well, we were kinda…making-out-against-a-wall-outside-the-club…" Draco suddenly made a strange spluttering sound and covered up his laugh with a fake cough. Ron glowered at him. "and well….I could hear Seamus shouting something as he ran up to me from down the street after getting you home, but I wasn't really paying attention, and well…it was only when my…hand...kinda...drifted downwards…that I realised that what Seamus was shouting was "She's a guy Ron," and by then I'd felt something…something I really didn't want to feel poking into my hand."
By this time Draco had turned away and hidden his mouth with his hand desperately trying not to loose it, while Seamus patted Ron on the head from behind him, "Ah, first timers."
"It's your fault too you know!" Ron shouted turning in his chair to glare him, "You knew all along! You could have told me earlier!"
"Yeah, but it was too much fun to watch." Seamus grinned, and Ron groaned, turning back around and letting his head fall to the table.
Harry meanwhile, couldn't decide if he should be laughing or still be angry, and with his pursed his lips together trying not to laugh, yet annoyed frown in his eyes, he really did look rather odd.
"Why didn't you tell me where you were working?" he eventually managed to say.
Ron shrugged, "You never asked."
Another silence met the room, interrupted briefly by Seamus slurping the last remises of his coca cola through his straw.
"So err….is everything okay now? You know, you angry with me?" Ron asked cautiously, looking up at Harry through his eyelashes.
As Harry looked at the lost puppy expression on Ron's face, he thought he should probably be more angry at Ron then he actually was, but it was always difficult to stay angry at him, always had been. And besides, his little run-in with Mari the transvestite might have ruffled his feathers enough to know not to go blurting out the whereabouts of the Daily Prophets main gossip icon in the middle of their printing department.
"Well, I guess you've suffered enough already with Mari, you being persistently straight and all." Harry said with a small smile on his face.
"Well yeah," Ron said obviously, inching slightly closer to Hermione, "Which reminds me!" he suddenly exclaimed, glaring back at Harry, "What the hell were doing in a coat closet with Malfoy's hands down the front of your trousers?"
The extreme bluntness of Ron's question made Harry's blush return with a vengeance, and he quickly glanced a look of help towards Draco next to him.
"Don't look at me." Draco said when Harry didn't remove his gaze, "Wasn't my fault you got us stuck in there."
"Yeah but you didn't have to…do…that." Harry said awkwardly, vaguely waving his hand downwards in an embarrassed gesture.
Draco smirked. Harry just couldn't say it could he? And with everyone else in the room watching them, Draco couldn't resist the bait. Harry was too cute for his own good.
"What? Giving you your second hand job?" he said casually, leaning back in his chair and ignoring Ron's spluttered:
"I told you to stop." Harry whispered through clenched teeth, also ignoring Ron's continuous splutterings of:
"What the hell do you mean second?!"
Draco smirked straight back at him, "You weren't putting up much of a fight."
Harry gritted his teeth annoyed and sat up in his chair, facing Draco, "How could I Ron was right behind us!"
"Didn't matter in the end did it? He would have found us both in there anyway."
"Yeah but if you'd stopped we could have avoided the whole 'Why were you giving me a handjob in a coat closet' question." To which Harry promptly blushed again when he realised what he said out loud.
"SECOND? With MALFOY?"
"RON SHUT UP!" came the chorused, amused, voices of Seamus and Hermione.
"You're going to have to tell him at some point, you said so yourself." Draco continued calmly, watching as Harry got more and more flustered
"Tell him what exactly?" Harry demanded, face directly in front of Draco's.
And with that Draco leant forward quite casually and locked his lips with Harry's.
Ron's fuming face immediately froze in mid complaint, Hermione's blush increased dramatically, and Seamus just grinned inanely to himself. This wasn't a quick kiss, Draco was making sure of that. He cupped the base of Harry's head and moved forward in his chair, deepening the kiss, slipping his tongue in Harry's mouth as Harry, as usual, did nothing but melt, the anger and frustration at Draco's lack of shame feeling like it had never existed.
Get angry! Came a growling voice at the back of Harry's mind, but it went ignored, for once again his body took control as he slipped his arms around Draco's waist, leaning into the kiss. Draco pressed further into him, teetering at the edge of his chair as he grabbed a fistful of Harry's shirt at his front and pulled him even closer, sneakily opening one eye and peering across at their three wide eyed spectators.
Tongues were still leisurely entangled…
"Oh bloody hell knock it off will you!"
As Ron's sharp voice found its way through Harry's ears, the pile of mush once known as his brain suddenly decided to acknowledge the fact he was having a heavy snog session in front of his best friend with someone who said best friend thinks is a hated rival, and pulled back so fast Hermione had to quickly hold her arms out to Harry's back to stop him falling off the chair.
Seamus knocked Ron on his head lightly with his can of coke, "Oi what's your problem? I thought you said you weren't homophobic?"
"I'm not homophobic, I'm Malfoyaphobic." Ron grumbled, "And why the hell are you kissing in the first place?!" Ron whined at Harry, confused and feeling unnerved, "What's going on Harry are you really gay?"
Harry squirmed in his seat, avoiding Ron's eyes. Did he have to have this conversation with an audience?
"Heh heh, well I don't think Harry's very Malfoyaphobic any more hmm?" Seamus grinned at Harry.
"Not. Helping." Harry said through gritted teeth, before glancing back at the confused look on Ron's face and sighing, "I…look, it's…I'm not…I don't-" Harry paused, frowning helplessly, and glanced at Draco through the corner of his eyes.
He'd been hesitant about this whole situation so much, why was it so difficult for him to accept that yes, he was very obviously attracted to Draco? Why couldn't he just say the words, "Yes, I'm gay" and get it over with. After everything that had happened during the night and this morning with Draco, why was he trying to push away this feeling that he obviously enjoyed having?
When Harry didn't reply to Ron's question straight away, Harry saw Draco's eyes move to the floor, his hair shading them, and suddenly looked rather…sad. Draco had spent a year looking for him after all, and now had found him and had certainly started to get what he wanted, Harry still hadn't actually said if he wanted any of this sort of attention from him. That yes or no question was still hanging in the air.
And after all that had happened, he still couldn't make up his mind.
"I think I need to get back to you on that one Ron." Harry finally said, sighing as he did so, getting exasperated with himself now. He knew he was gay, he had to be, he just, couldn't bring himself to say it out loud.
He missed Draco's small sigh.
"Well…alright," Ron said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms, "But don't, you know, be gay and not tell me. You're still my best friend and that's not gonna change."
Harry smiled warmly.
"Awwww," Seamus cooed behind him, "you little corn ball you."
Ron swatted his hand away from his head as he patted him again, "Knock it off, I'm serious. What I don't understand is if you are gay, why you're with Malfoy! I mean of all people Harry?"
Harry just smiled secretly to himself, "There's a lot of stuff you don't know about Draco Ron, stuff that's happened in the last year. It's okay, I like him now." Harry smiled, and Draco looked up at him.
Harry may not have admitted he was gay, but that was the first time he'd admitted he liked Draco (whilst not drunk at least). Hermione saw the slightly adoring look in Draco's eyes and smiled to herself. Harry meanwhile noticed Ron glancing at Hermione as she smiled, and quickly looking away again.
Harry smirked to himself.
"I tell you what Ron," Harry continued, a slightly sneaky look in his eyes, "I'll let you know what I decide on one condition."
Ron blinked, "What's that?"
"You take Hermione out to dinner somewhere."
Hermione's small smile suddenly vanished and she stared at Harry with wide eyes.
"Wha…" Ron began, eyes just as wide, "What are you talking about?" he said nervously, fidgeting slightly in his chair.
"Heeeey," Seamas grinned, "That's a good idea! We all know you like her Ron-"
"-'specially after what I heard you doing in your ro-" but Seamus never got to finish his sentence, because Ron suddenly leapt up off his chair, Seamus leaping to one side and sprinting out of the kitchen, laughing as Ron chased after him shouting that he'd kill him if he said another word.
Hermione was left at the table with Harry and Draco, who looked at them sheepishly, "Does he…really…"
Draco rolled his eyes, "Only since forever, even I can tell that, and I don't even look at him."
"Oh." Was Hermione's small shy reply, for now it was her turn to stare at the tabletop embarrassed.
It was a good 15 minutes until Ron stopped chasing Seamus, face flushed from embarrassment and avoiding Hermione's gaze like the plague. He has now since flooed home, on a mission to try and convince his mother that he wasn't a total pleb head, that he was an idiot for getting Harry in the newspapers, and proceed to beg on his hands and knees that he could still stay at Harry's. This of course was after he'd asked Harry a total of six times if he was absolutely sure he still wanted him to stay.
Harry had ended up practically throwing him in the fireplace telling him that if he asked him if he was sure one more time he'd find Mari's number and tell him you wanted to go out with him.
Ron had disappeared in a very quick flash of green flame.
Hermione left shortly after, leaving with a warm hug to Harry and a very unhelpful wink towards Draco, who looked a little taken aback by the apparent smile directed at him from the mudblood. She also mentioned quietly that she was rather looking forward to having Ron take her out, but quickly threatening to hex vital male organs off the boys in front of her if they actually mentioned that to Ron.
This now left Harry and Draco standing alone in front of the fireplace, Seamus having gone back up to his room. Before all this commotion happened, the Irish boy had after all just had his little confrontation with Dean, and was heading up to his room when the hallway had exploded with Ron and Hermione's arguing when they came through the door.
"I guess I better head back to my hotel room too," Draco said, "need to do that shopping I mentioned before the question of your sexuality came up with the Weasel."
Harry had been feeling rather nervous at being left alone with Draco again, but he paused and frowned at him curiously, not liking the tone in Draco's voice, "Are you angry?" he inquired.
"That you didn't tell him your gay?" Draco asked, folding his arms over his chest, "Or the fact you didn't mention once that whatever way you look at it, we are going out together?"
"Give me a chance Draco," Harry said, slightly insulted, "You had a year to come to terms with all this, I've barely had four days."
Draco had the decency to look away, "Sorry. It's just I guess after a year I don't want to wait any longer now I've finally found you, you and your Gryffindor confusion over the simplest matters."
"I'd hardly call any of this simple." Harry stated.
Draco looked back at him, standing there studying him for a moment, "I do love you, you know." He eventually said.
Harry's eye immediately fell to the floor, unable to stop the small sheepish smile on his face, mentally cursing himself for acting like a love sick 12 year old girl.
"Do I make you feel awkward when I say that?"
Harry looked back up at him then, seeing the sincerity yet the slight worry in his grey eyes. It was a look he had only ever seen on the Slytherins face in these last few days, having seen nothing but the usual sneer at school. Even when he had kissed him for the first time back at school he was still sneering, if maybe slightly less than usual. But now, standing in Harry's own lounge, saying he loved him, it was something he never could have imaged ever happening. It did make him feel a little awkward, but not as much as he thought it should. They had been rivals for 7 years, what happened?
"Not awkward exactly," Harry eventually replied, "Just…surreal."
Draco smirked, "Surreal huh?" he said, his smirk turning into a smile.
"Yeah," Harry chuckled, seeing the smile on his face.
Before the conversation had a chance to continue, Draco stepped forward, gently placing his hand at the back of Harry's neck, and kissed him softly. It was a slow, sweet kiss that had Harry's heart beating a mile a minute. There was no resistance, Harry immediately responded, discovering that not only did he like kissing Draco, but he actually wanted to be kissed by Draco. When Seamus had kissed him, he was a good kisser, as he'd said before, so he supposed that would constitute liking the kiss, but he didn't want to kissed by him.
He wanted to be kissed by Draco. He wanted Draco's hands running through his hair. He wanted to hold Draco against him, he wanted…wanted…
Harry's eye snapped open and he pushed Draco away, holding him by his shoulders at arms length, Draco's eyes wide in surprise. His own brain may be confused over what he wanted, but his body certainly wasn't. He could feel himself getting hard as they kissed and he really didn't need Draco to feel that, for fear that he may pounce on him.
That wouldn't be so bad, his brain (that is, the 'other' male brain) was telling him, but Harry displayed a rather impressive bought of will power and ignored it.
"Umm," Harry started, a little out of breath, "Let's just…lets just leave it at this for the moment okay?"
Draco looked at him carefully, wondering if it had been a bad idea to kiss him, but with the slight pant and the rosy hue to his cheeks, it obviously wasn't that he didn't like it.
The smirk return.
"Alright," Draco said, taking Harry's arms from their grip on his shoulders, "I'll head off and do that shopping, leave you to think about…whatever you want to think about."
Harry smiled at him, slightly relieved, and walked with him to the front door.
"What are you going to do if the reporters are still out there?" Harry asked.
"Makes no difference to me, I'll get rid of them, you just stay inside." Draco said strangely kindly, placing his hand on the door lock, "Which reminds me, why can't I apparate out of here? I tried last night to get some clothes when you were laying in the bath tub drunk out of your skull and found I couldn't do it."
Harry ignored the blatant reference to his low alcohol tolerance and explained, "It's a barrier that Professor McGonagall put up when I moved here. No one can apparate within 60 feet of the house. It would give me chance to get anyone in the house out via floo if Voldemort ever appeared.…..…what?" Harry asked when Draco did nothing but stare at him.
"I'm surprised you haven't asked me about that."
"Well in case you hadn't noticed my father was a Death Eater, I'm surprised you haven't asked what side I'm on in this."
Harry shrugged, "The way I see, you've lost your parents and your home, you've got nothing to loose and everything to gain. It's because of Voldemort that your father became who he was, it's because of Voldemort that he died, it's because of Voldemort that your mother…" Harry paused not wanting to say the phrased "killed herself" in front of Draco, "…well, lets just say you don't have many good points towards him at the moment."
"I'm still a Slytherin though, what makes you so sure I'm not pretending I like you to get information?" Draco tried.
Harry smirked at him, "Because I don't think your pride could handle kissing me just to get information if you still hated me, even if you were working for Voldemort."
"….hmph," Draco smiled, "Guess you know me better than I thought."
With an endearing smile, Draco un-hooked the hatch and disappeared out the door, quickly closing it behind him in case any reporters decided to rear their ugly heads. Harry stared at the closed door for a moment longer, unaware of the dazed smile on his face, before deciding he'd better go talk to Seamus.
"Come in." Came Seamus's voice as Harry knocked on the door.
"Hey," Harry said, closing the door behind him.
Seamus was laying on his back, one hand behind his head, staring up at the ceiling, "Well, that was rather entertaining," he grinned over at Harry as he sat on a chair at Seamus's desk.
Harry glowered at him playfully, "Very funny."
"So you still haven't decided if you're actually gay or not yet? Thought it was rather obvious to me."
Harry removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Yeah, well all to their own I s'pose. Look Seamus I came here to talk about you not me. What did you mean by it's over between you and Dean, especially when he's apparently kissed you."
The grin left Seamus's face and he retuned to staring at the ceiling, "You really wanna know?"
"Of course." Harry said gently, "It's weird to see you quiet." He quipped, and Seamus smiled and swatted out to him, catching his knee.
"Well alright. But there's not much to tell really. Basically he apologized for how he reacted originally, apologized for running away from me at the Downs, said he's been thinking about me constantly since he left school and misses me, said that he wants to try being with me, and then he kissed me."
Harry stared at him wide eyed, "….what?! Well what do you mean by it's over then? Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yeah, it's exactly what I wanted, but I told him no."
Harry frowned at him completely confused and worried for his friend, "Why?" he asked softly.
Seamus tore his gaze from the ceiling and stared out the window to his left instead, "I didn't want to be hurt again, that's all."Earlier that day…
"There's no excuse," Dean said as he sat next to Seamus on his bed, "My reaction that day was unforgivable. I don't know what I can say or do that would make you forgive me, but I'm sorry." He stared at his clasped hands as he rested his arms on his knees, "Regardless of what…what you felt for me at the time, you were still my best friend. And I wasn't avoiding you afterwards because you had those sorts of feelings for me, I was avoiding you because I knew I'd screwed up. I didn't know what I could possibly do to make what I did up to you, so I just ignored you instead. It was stupid, and very 'un-Gryffindor' like."
"Yeah," Seamus said flatly, sitting next to him on the bed, "Well if you had come and apologized to me I would have forgiven you in an instant you know, I was in love with you after all."
Dean peered at him through the corner of his eyes, "Are you…are you still?" he asked carefully.
Seamus's gaze fell to the floor. He felt awkward, uncomfortable, and knew that Dean was staring at him, "I guess. Although I don't know why, you've been nothing but a total bastard ever since I told you." Seamus found himself gritting his teeth, but he didn't know if it was because he was angry or nervous.
"I know…I'm sorry."
"You know I've only recently tried to forget about you, I even tried it with Harry, but I guess I was too late." He added to himself at the end.
Dean looked up and blinked at him, "Harry's gay?"
Seamus couldn't stop the small affectionate chuckle that escaped him, "Yeah, although he doesn't seem to know it yet."
"What do you mean you tried it with him?" came Dean's quick question, "Did you kiss him?"
Seamus studied him for a moment with wide eyes at his sudden stern question, but soon smiled sadly and looked at the floor again, "You know if I didn't know better, I'd almost say you sounded jealous."
"Well…maybe I am."
Seamus slowly looked back at him, eyes soft and curious, Dean looking anywhere but at him.
"Maybe I…maybe I've missed you," Dean continued softly, "Maybe it did freak me out at first when you told me you loved me, but maybe I just didn't give myself a chance to really think about what that meant. I'm sorry for running away from you up at the Downs, you startled me, my defenses went up and I panicked. I know it probably came across completely wrong, but I wasn't running away from you because I hated you," Dean paused and took a deep breath, "I ran because I didn't really know what to do…how to act around you when you thought I hated you, when really I, I want to…" he paused and sighed again, still avoiding Seamus's eyes as he watched him spill his heart out quietly, "Maybe I'm a total twat for even saying any of this, maybe this is a total lost cause as I shouldn't really be given another chance but…I want…to try…with you."
Seamus raised his eyebrows, "Try?"
"Yeah…you know," Dean said awkwardly, "I want to be with you the way you wanted to be with me, o-or at least try."
"You're not gay Dean." Seamus stated obviously.
"Well I dunno, maybe I…look I-I just want to try. I miss you, and maybe I like you…like you like that too. I mean I'm not sure myself but maybe, if you still want to that is…you know, go out together? Maybe that way I'll know for sure."
A silence met the two boys as the wind from the window ruffled the bedroom curtains. Dean still sat with his arms resting on his legs, leaning forward, waiting for Seamus's reply. He'd been thinking about this ever since they left school, ever since he couldn't see Seamus everyday. He didn't know if he was gay, he didn't even know if this would work, but ever since Seamus had told him he loved him, he couldn't get him out of his head. Maybe this is what his heart was telling him to do. He knew he'd hurt Seamus, a lot, knew it was unforgivable, but he still had to hope something good could come out of this. He wanted to try, truly and honestly.
"I waited a long time for you to say that Dean," Seamus eventually said quietly, and Dean's face lit up, "but you know what? No."
The smile on Dean's face fell.
Seamus turned to him and smiled at him sadly, "If you'd said all that to me after I met you up at the Downs, then yeah, I probably would. In fact I've been waiting to hear that from you for well over a year. But no…not now." Seamus turned away and looked down at the floor again, unable to look at the sadness in Dean's eyes. Even though Dean had hurt him so much, he still didn't want to see him upset. The curse of an idiot in love he supposed. "You've given me time to think, and I don't think it's possible anymore. You broke my heart that day at school Dean. And you know what I'm not… I'm not going to run back to you when you say because I don't want my heart broken again if you don't like what happens between us. I'm trying to move on from you now. I've waited long enough; I'm not going to wait any longer. I'm sorry."
Every word he spoke was killing him to say it. He loved Dean, he'd never stopped loving him, everything Dean had just said was everything he'd wanted to hear, but he couldn't do this anymore. He wanted to live his own life, not in the shadow of someone who was just going to hurt him, intentionally or not. He desperately needed to move on.
"I'm tired of wanting to be with you, I just want to forget about you now. I'm sorry, I just-"
In a split moment Dean had cupped Seamus's cheeks, turned his head to face him, and kissed him in one swift moment. Seamus's eyes widened with shock and he stared back at the blurry chocolate eyes of his once best friend, eyes that were asking if this was okay. The kiss was determined, but awkward, but it was still Dean kissing him, and Seamus completely melted. His heart fluttered as his eyes slid shut, and he grabbed onto his shoulders pulling him closer. He wrapped his arms around him; completely taking over the kiss, and practically crawled into lap. Dean's hands were wary, unsure where to go, but settled at the small of Seamus's back keeping him close.
Seamus had wanted this for so long he couldn't even remember when he'd first imaged doing it. But Dean was right here, right now, and they were kissing each other like the world was going to end. He'd been with countless other men since he'd come out, but none of them, no matter how good a kisser they were, compared to the slight awkwardness of a kiss with the one man he'd been pinning over for years.
So why did it feel like his heart was being ripped out?
The feeling that what he was doing was contradicting everything he had just told Dean wouldn't go away. He loved him so much, always had, but he didn't want to be hurt again. He didn't want to feel that he was finally with him, only for Dean to leave when it didn't work out like he thought it would. He didn't want to loose him again, he didn't want to go through that rejection again, he just wanted to forget.
Dean pulled back when he felt a wetness on his cheeks, looking only to see tears falling from Seamus's eyes. Seamus brought a hand to his face and turned away, ashamed and surprised at the sudden tears.
"Just go Dean. Please."
"I've actually dreamt about doing that." Dean said quickly, slightly out of breath but worried at Seamus's reaction, "That's got to mean something right?"
Seamus sighed heavily, eyes closed and head lowered, "I don't want to love you anymore," he sobbed, wiping at the tears that refused to stop falling, "You've apologised, that's good enough. At least I know you don't hate me anymore."
"No!" Semaus practically shouted, glaring back at him with tear filled eyes, "I don't want to do this, just go away, please!" Seamus pleaded, before turning away again, wishing this ache in his chest would go too. "I'm just tired of this Dean. I want to get over you, not be with you only to have my heart broken again when you leave."
"I won't leave you, really!" Dean insisted.
Seamus chuckled sadly at that and wiped his eyes again, "You don't know that, and I don't want to risk it anymore."
Another silence engulfed the room, the only sound being the occasional sniff from Seamus, his hand covering his eyes as he leant on his knee. Dean continued to watch him, eyes lost and lonely.
"I am sorry." Dean said meekly, one last attempt to get Seamus to see he meant what he said.
Seamus smiled to himself sadly, before getting up off the bed and grabbing Dean's hand in the process, Dean having only a second to stare at their clasped hands before he was pulled up off the bed too.
"Come on, I'll show you out." Seamus said quietly, still avoiding Dean's eyes as he opened his bedroom door.
Harry had listened quietly as Seamus told him what happened between him and Dean, but as the story came to an end, Harry was staring at him in shock.
"Why on earth did you say no?"
Seamus smiled to himself as he closed his eyes, still laying on his back on his bed, "I told you, I don't want be hurt by him again. Maybe now he's apologised it'll be easier for me to get over him."
Harry stared at him. He just didn't understand the problem! Surely it was a risk worth taking to be with the one guy he'd wanted ever since he came out to being gay. "I don't understand you Seamus," Harry said, completely confused, "You've got so much pent up…sadness, underneath all your smiles, and the one chance you get with Dean and you turn him down."
"Hmph," Seamus smiled, "Will you listen to yourself? You should be giving yourself the same advice."
Harry blinked at him, "What?"
Seamus finally opened his eyes and stretched on his bed, before sitting up and sitting cross legged, facing Harry. "Who exactly have you been thinking about constantly all year, and then when he finally arrives do sod all about it except confuse yourself and ignore the poor guy?"
Harry squirmed in his seat again under Seamus's amused stare, "Don't turn this conversation about me, I came up here to see if you were alright."
Seamus smiled lovingly at him for a moment, before chuckling to himself, "Man, I really wish I'd grabbed you before Malfoy did."
Harry rolled his eyes, "Don't say that Seamus."
"No I'm serious," Seamus laughed, "We get on really well, it's a shame I've been pinning over Dean and you over Malfoy."
"I'm not pinning over Draco!" Harry exclaimed defensively.
"HA! You've been day dreaming for a year Harry, don't think I haven't noticed."
Harry glared at him, but he had a feeling he was right, so pouted instead and crossed his arms, "Look, never mind about Draco, I'm still…just…sorting things out. He's been looking for me for the past year and I don't really know how to feel about that."
"What's left to sort out Harry?" Seamus asked, strangely seriously for him, "He's obviously in love with you, especially if he's been looking for you for a year, and you obviously love him back, so what's the problem?"
"Well…he has said that he loved me but…I don't feel, not love… I don't, think." Harry murmured, unsure if he was trying to convince Seamus or himself.
"Ok, fine, whatever you want to call it. But look, the way I see it, right now Malfoy's been playing the part of me for the past year, hoping that somehow the one who hated him will love him. And you know if you're playing the part of Dean then bloody hell you're being a lot more responsive to Malfoy then Dean was to me!"
Harry frowned in frustration and stared at the floor, "Seamus stop it." He said quietly, feeling very uncomfortable about the turn of conversation.
"No," Seamus said sternly, sounding rather angry, "I don't understand you! Is it really so horrible to think that you might have actually fallen for him? Give me one good reason why you shouldn't be with him?"
Harry was slightly taken a back at the anger in Semaus voice, his normal cheerful eyes narrowed and waiting rather impatiently for Harry to answer him.
Harry felt rather awkward under that harsh stare, "Because…w-well, because he is a…a guy?"
Harry knew it was the wrong thing to say the second it fell from his lips, but he was scaring himself that he couldn't actually find another other reason not to be with him.
Seamus just scoffed angrily at him and stood up quickly from his bed, "That's bullshit Harry and you know it. How many times have you kissed now hmm?"
Harry stared up at his angry friend with a rather lost expression, glancing away for a moment trying to think, "I've lost count." He said, defeated.
"See? There are people who have hooked up and broken up doing less stuff then you two have done!" Seamus practically shouted at him, "Whether you realise it or not you've been going out with him for the past three days Harry! And hell, he's been looking for you for a year. A year! Having no idea where abouts in Surrey you were but he still looked. There are a hell of alot of people who live here Harry, Surrey is big county! You don't find devotion like that easily these days. He is so obviously in love with you and you're keeping him at the end of a string, and if you don't make up your mind and say yes to him he's gonna go away!"
Seamus paused in his rant, staring down at Harry as Harry stared at the floor, that lost expression still on his face. Seamus had found Harry's confusion rather amusing at first, but now he just wanted this sorted out. He didn't want him ending up like him, Dean had opened his eyes to the fact that you need to take the first step before it's too late.
"Devotion or not, if you're ignored enough by the one you love while trying to get them to love you back, the hint will get across that you're not interested, and he'll go." Seamus said softly, the anger gone, knowing all too well that feeling, "Believe me, I know this now, and I don't want to see that happen to you of all people! You said yourself that he's said he loved you, this is the one thing you've been wanting your entire life, so I just cannot understand what the problem is!"
Seamus paused again, sighing and smiling softly. Harry wasn't putting up much of a fight, just sitting there, staring at the floor, listening. Maybe he was getting through to him, at last.
"People are allowed to change Harry," he said gently, "The way I see it he found one moment of happiness when he kissed you back at Hogwarts, and now he's been looking for that happiness ever since. He doesn't want to loose you, but to loose you he has to have you in the first place. He's offering you everything you've wanted in those three little words, so give me one good reason why you can't be together?"
Harry couldn't think what to say. Everything Seamus was telling him was true. He needed this, he needed someone to shout the obvious at him, he needed someone to tell him that what he was feeling was okay, that it was okay to like other guys, that it was okay to like Draco in that way.
It was true, he had been day dreaming about that kiss for the whole of the past year, it was true that it was Draco he couldn't stop thinking about, and now he was here, wanting to be with him, saying that he loved him. Draco really was offering Harry everything he wanted, so…
What was the problem?
Why was he having trouble deciding? It was obvious wasn't it? Draco loved him. He actually loved him, and all of a sudden something seemed to click into place, and Harry repeated that sentence in his mind again.
Draco Malfoy loved him.
Harry looked up at Seamus, eyes clear and bright, "I can't." he whispered, "I can't think of a reason."
Seamus smirked at him, and sat on the side of his bed facing Harry, "Don't let this chance get away Harry. You've been moping about this house on your own for long enough now. I want to see you happy with someone, and right now, you're happy with Malfoy."
Harry smiled, a goofy smile at the bubbling feeling rising in his chest.
"Don't let the fact that he's a guy or the fact that he is Draco Malfoy get you down, 'cause quite frankly that has nothing to do with it. And without wanting to sound like a total corn ball, love doesn't have to have explanations, love just is."
Harry was smiling as he sighed, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. It was okay, Seamus had said it was okay to feel like this. It was okay to...
"Thank you, Seamus, I think that's just what I needed." He paused, before he smiled embarrassingly, "Heh, you know…I think I love him."
Seamus grinned at him, before shocking Harry by leaning over and kissing him. It was just a quick kiss, but as Seamus pulled back, Harry staring at him cautiously, he winked at him,
"Good, it's about damn time, now go and tell Malfoy that!"
To be continued…