Life Is A Carousel
An extract from Billy Hitchcock's autobiography
I formed 'Flight 180' about three years ago, when I realised that being a pizza delivery guy just wasn't going to pay the bills anymore. Me and some mates just got together one night and started singing some stupid little lyrics we made up on the spot. I didn't even have any idea that I could sing. I'm lead singer in the band, Chad plays lead Guitar, Brendan's base guitar and this geek we met in the street, Mark, he's the drummer.
We thought we sounded quite good together, so we decided to form a rock band. At the time, we didn't think anything was going to come of it, it was just a bit of a laugh.
"So, what are we gonna call ourselves?" Chad asked the rest of us as we sat in my garage.
"Er...I've got a good name," Mark began. We all stared at him, waiting for an answer. "How about...Oatus?"
"Er...I think people might think we're trying to copy off Wheatus if we do that," I replied slowly, my own brain ticking. Mark screwed up his face, as if he was trying to think of something too.
"How about Wheatus then?"
"I think that would definitely class as copying yes," I answered getting slightly annoyed. "Have you got any ideas that aren't copying off other bands?"
"There's always Mama Roach."
"Right, moving on," I said quickly trying to shut him up. He's really thick sometimes. "Any bright Ideas Brendan?"
"Well, I had been working on something," Brendan replied confidently.
"How about, Savage Back Yard?"
I sighed in desperation.
"Limp Teacake? Linkin theme park?"
"Shut up Brendan," I interrupted sharply. "Just, please, shut up." I rubbed my chin in thought. "I think I may have an idea."
"Well go on, I'm absolutely dying to know what your idea is," Brendan answered sarcastically.
"About seven years ago, remember that huge plane explosion?"
"I was meant to get on that plane, but I got off, because of this boy in my class-."
"What was his name?" Mark interrupted me. He always says the wrong thing at the wrong time.
"Oh, the FBI dude?" Chad asked, obviously getting interested.
"Alex Browning, the FBI Dude," Brendan announced. "Great name Billy. I can see it now." He stopped and spread out his arms for dramatic effect. "Alex Browning, The FBI Dude, in concert!"
"No you twat!" I yelled in annoyance. That shut him up. "I hadn't finished!"
"That plane I was meant to get on was called 'Flight 180'," I conclude.
"So you're saying, you want us to call ourselves 'Flight 180'?" Chad repeated.
"Great," Mark began. "It's insensitive, disrespectful, will upset hundreds of people, and it's cool?"
I nodded smugly.
"How do you do it man?"
"Just lucky I guess."
So then we had a name. And that's how Flight 180 began. We worked on some songs, and finally got a gig in this local bar. Lucky for us, this guy from 'Crap Bands' record company was there. Obviously, we got offered a deal. Our debut single, '280 died but I guess I got lucky', went straight to number one in charts across the globe. We released our first album, 'No one Gets Back On Board', a couple of months after.
It was only after our tenth consecutive Number one single though, 'Locked in the bathroom was the best part of my life', that the money really started to roll in. Our second Album, 'There they go, here we stay', went triple platinum and we earnt millions. Since then, we've had two more hit singles, 'Nothing's gonna stop me now', and 'I Can Beat Death But You Can't', a third album, 'No such thing as Fate' which has also gone double platinum, and we're set to release our latest single, 'Cheat The Plan', next month.
Some people think we're sick, calling ourselves after the aircraft which killed two hundred and eighty citizens of our town, but to be honest we don't give a damn. We're controversial, and If I've learnt one thing in my career as a Rock Star (which I haven't) then I've learnt that controversy sells.
I mean, just look at Eminem's records, before he died mysteriously of an overdose. Through the roof man. You don't get that with 'The Jolly Little Elves' or some crap like that. No, I know what the people want, and they want controversy.
Our first tour sold out in an hour and a half. Yes, I think you could say we are hugely successful, not to sound arrogant or anything.
We all own huge houses now. I live in a ten bedroomed one with a huge swimming pool, tennis courts, (Not that I even play tennis) bowling alley and the latest instalment, flavoured wallpaper. Real tasty.
The only thing that caused a slight hitch in the band is the fact that Mark lives in a cardboard box because he kept betting all his money on horses and losing. I mean, I don't know what I was doing wrong. I'm sure I told him the best ones to bet on. They won for me anyway. I would offer for him to come and live with me, but then I am selfish by nature.
The one good thing about being a rock star, is the chicks. Yeah, there's always girls wanting to go out with me. I know you think all famous people say 'I'd like to have a girlfriend but I don't know whether they like me for who I am inside or just because I'm a rock star,' crap, but not me. I don't give a toss about what they want me for. I'm popular, and that's all that matters.
Popularity was a gift which was cruelly snatched away from me in High School. I used to wish I could be cool, like this arrogant tosser, called Carter. But who's laughing now eh? Who's laughing now?! He's probably dead for all I care. I don't. Stuff everyone else, cos I'm famous. People love me no matter what I do, or what I say. I could walk up to the president and punch him in the face and I'd probably get a round of applause from the bodyguards. I know Chad, Brendan and Mark like to think we're successful because we're a great team, but I think I'm speaking for millions of my fans when I say that the only reason we're so big is because I'm in it. If it wasn't for me they'd all be in cardboard boxes with Mark. I'm the one that keeps 'Flight 180' together. I'm the lead singer after all. The most talented. The best...Oh, you might as well admit it.
I was really passive and quiet when I was a teenager. REALLY passive. I used to let people walk all over me all the time. But not now. No way. Like a lot of people in my school around the year 2000, I suffered this unexplained memory loss. I forget what the FBI told us. All I can remember is the one with glasses laughing his head off. Then they ran away. Funnily enough, we saw them again when they came to blame the Plane Explosion on Alex Browning.
I always thought he'd done it actually, I just didn't speak up for myself. Anyway, they didn't have any evidence against him so they let him go. It turns out they came back to him when he graduated to ask for his help with these psychic investigations. Psychic...I mean, what's that all about? Apparently, the FBI were so impressed with his work on a case about a missing Budgie, they asked him to work for them full time. I might have even been slightly jealous if I wasn't already so much better.
All right, I suppose I was his mate for a while, but I haven't got time for losers nowadays. I hang out with cool people, like Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise. They're pretty easy going, although they annoy me sometimes. My best mates are Chad and Brendan I suppose. Mark's okay but he's so stupid I find it impossible not to hit out occasionally.
I'm twenty seven and I feel I've so far lived a fantastic life, which is more than can be said for some people I suppose.
I remember when we rehearsed our band for the first time...
"Right, so is everyone ready?" I asked, getting to my feet. Brendan and Chad stood by me, guitars in hand. I thought everything was going great. Then I noticed Mark wasn't paying attention.
"Oh, Mark, I see your card tower's taken priority over 'Flight 180' has it?" I asked sarcastically. He looked up sheepishly. I smirked to myself as I noticed what he'd done. "I gotta say Mark, ingenious idea of superglueing the cards together, but I think there's actually a name for that...Oh yes, now I remember, it's called cheating."
"Shut up Billy," Mark replied getting to his feet. "I can do what I want."
"I'm sorry but you can't. I'm afraid the national 'Cheating by superglueing cards together to make card tower's competition' will have to take a back seat for now," I answered in a snappy voice.
He got to his feet and went over to his drum kit. I'll always remember the first time we went through '280 Died But I Guess I Got Lucky'. It sounded phenomenal. I knew we were gonna be big.
I never planned on being a rock star, but I guess I just took control of my own life and made it happen. (I can't say it was meant to be, cos that would be saying it was fate and that would be downright idiotic because in this world, if there was such a thing as fate all the survivors of Flight 180 would have been bumped off in other ways, which in case you haven't noticed, didn't happen.)
The person I saw most recently from high school was Tod, cos he's rich like me. He took over from Bill Gates at Microsoft. We met at this celebrity party. I haven't seen Clear or Alex for five years, but I hear they're living a pretty boring life being normal. I don't have a clue what happened to Carter and Terry. Something tragic hopefully. Okay, okay, I'll admit, I don't really have anything against Terry, but Carter was such a dick It was unbelievable. Always running me down with his car.
Well, I'm proud to announce that about two weeks after I got my own car and ran him over when he was walking down the street. Put him in hospital for two weeks and got a criminal record, but it was worth it. Obviously, when he got out of hospital he beat me up, but I didn't care.
Ms. Lewton quit being an English teacher after her field trip to Chicago was spoilt by the coach crashing and killing all the students. Honestly, some people never learn. Apparently, she got off to see to this boy who went crazy before they set off...I think his name was Devon or something. Five other students got forced off as well, but I forget their names. Anyway, she's a writer now. Personally, I think her latest book, 'Paranoia for the Insomniac' has really gone a bit too far. She writes all these self help books and crap like that. She's flipped. Too long without a decent school trip I reckon. If they keep trying to go on trips they'll have no students left soon for gods sake.
At the moment, me and the guys are working on our forth album. We haven't come up with a title yet, but I've been getting a few ideas. I reckon we should call it, 'Carter You Dick', cos that's what he is and always will be, and personally I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing it. But then again, I suppose I have chosen all the titles for all our songs and albums, so maybe I should give the others a shot. Chad keeps telling me that the plane explosions in all our videos is wearing a bit thin, but he can just piss off if he thinks he can tell me what to do.
Right now, as in at this second, I'm at home. We're having our first break in months, after we had to go round the world promoting our last album. We're kicking off with our world tour next month anyway.
It's really great being a rock star. I open the paper every morning and there's stories about me and my band. Sometimes it says total rubbish, like,
'Flight 180's Billy murdered me, says High School nobody.'
But most of the time it's a pretty good laugh. It's weird to think that millions of girls have my poster on their bedroom walls. Well, not just the girls, the women as well.
The other day I looked out of my window and there was this posse of old ladies shouting and screaming and singing my songs, waving posters saying, 'Billy I love you' and stuff like that. Some people wouldn't be able to cope with all this fame, but I guess I'm just better than them.
It's all in a days work for me.
Cheat The Plan- Written by William Hitchcock ONLY.
Property of William Hitchcock.
All copyrights belong to William Hitchcock
Produced by William Hitchcock
Published by 'The William Hitchcock Publishing Company'.
Get on the plane?
As if, no way,
they can drag me on screaming,
I'll have my own way.
And they all called me crazy,
but I did all I can,
don't care about others,
cos I cheat the plan.
Yeah, and I'm better,
so much better..
Grim reaper come and get me, bring it on,
It don't matter,
I can beat you,
I can cheat death,
I cheat the plan.
I should have died,
but I lived instead,
I am alive,
all my friends are dead.
And they all called me crazy,
but I did all I can,
don't care about others,
cos I cheat the plan.
With me there's accidents,
Cos I CAN Cheat death,
I cheat the plan.
JOIN FLIGHT 180'S FAN CLUB!
Just send your name, address, age, ten ideas for songs, pictures, addresses and telephone numbers of anyone who thinks they suck so the band can go round and twat them, and $1000 dollars weekly membership fee, to:
Flight 180's Official Fan Club- Set Up By The William Hitchcock Foundation,
180 Destination Road,
Or E-mail: williamhitchock .com
USEFUL ORGANISATIONS ASSOCIATED WITH FLIGHT 180:
The William Hitchcock Society For Deprived Wombats:
The Society for depressed people called William Hitchcock:
William Hitchcock's memorial charity
E-Mail: williamhitchcock even_though_hes_not_dead_
The William Hitchcock Society for the protection of cruelty to celebrities
The William Hitchcock Foundation for delinquents trying to realise their dreams of being delivery boys
The National William Hitchcock Association For People Who Want To Be William Hitchcock
E-Mail: williamhitchcock youcan'tbehim_
The WHAHS (William Hitchcock anti hate society)
E-Mail: williamhitchcock donthatemecosimbeautiful_
PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU WANT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH CHAD, BRENDAN OR MARK SEND A STAMPED ADDRESSED ENVELOPE TO:
Final Destination: The National William Hitchcock 'Pass It On' Organisation,
180 Killer Plane Avenue,
Billyville, (Formerly known as New York)
OR E-MAIL: williamhitchcockspasitonsociety never_really_
NOTE: WILLIAM HITCHCOCK IS VERY BUSY AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THROWS ALL LETTERS ADDRESSED TO OTHER BAND MEMBERS IN HIS SPECIAL 'UNSUITABLE LETTER BURNING' FIRE IN HIS HOUSE.
HOWEVER, IT IS ALWAYS WORTH A TRY TO SEND A LETTER.
FOR MORE INFORMATION ON WILLIAM HITCHCOCK OR FLIGHT 180, THE BAND HE FORMED, WROTE ALL THE SONGS FOR, DESIGNED ALL THE ALBUM COVERS, VIDEOS AND SONG TITLES FOR, PLEASE TELEPHONE THE WILLIAM HITCHCOCK FAN LINE ON:
TO CHECK WILLIAM HITCHCOCKS BANK ACCOUNT TO SEE HOW RICH HE IS, VISIT:
TO WATCH WILLIAM HITCHCOCK AT HIS HOUSE, CONTACT ONE OF THESE RELIABLE STALKER COMPANIES:
The Official William Hitchcock Stalker Company,
The Foundation For Celebrity Stalkers (Set up by William Hitchcock)