Hey there, I'm kinda new to the whole South Park fanfiction thing. I'm more of a Harry Potter person myself, but lately I've been getting into these stories on the side. This is just a quick little one-shot I whipped up on the bus ride back home. To all my Harry Potter people and my Jimmy Neutron people…please don't kill me just yet! I swear by all that is good and holy that I'll update my two in-progress fics soon!
My roommate/beta reader came up with the title. (Phil Ken Sebben voice) HA HA HA…double entendre. Also, I apologize if Kyle and Cartman seem a bit OOC, but I just thought it'd be funny if a situation like this ever happened. Kyle/Cartman is love/hate at its very best, as shown by the C2 archive I have devoted to them. Go check it out, why don'tcha?
Disclaimer: Yeah…I definitely don't own them. All credit goes to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
Dedication: To my roommate…she's one of a kind, thank God. I also dedicate this to flavored gumballs. I'll never look at them the same way again after this.
"Are you done yet?"
Kyle sighed loudly. "We're never gonna make it to the movies at this rate!"
"Well then, help me so it can get done faster!" said Eric, spinning around in his chair. A small bag of gumballs sat on the desk next to the computer monitor.
"No way, I already did my half of the report. I'm not doing yours too."
"But Kyyyyyle…" The heavyset boy widened his brown eyes in an attempt of persuasion.
"Pleeeeeeease?" Eric's hands were now clasped in front of him.
The look on the redhead's face clearly warned him not to press his luck any further.
"Hmph…fine!" Eric huffed crossly and turned back to the computer. "Damn Jew."
"Lazy fatass," Kyle muttered before flopping down onto the younger boy's bed and picking up the book he'd been reading.
They spent the next fifteen minutes in a silence only punctuated by Eric's grunts of frustration and Kyle's impatient sighing.
The Jewish boy's sweet tooth interrupted his train of thought somewhere around the fourteenth chapter. His eyes wandered over to the bag of gumballs currently being invaded by a pudgy hand.
"Hey Cartman, toss me a blue gumball."
"Get it yourself."
"What for? You're right there, just turn around and toss it."
"Dammit, Cartman, why do you always have to be so difficult?"
"Ay, if I have to do my part of this bullshit report without any help, you can get yourself a gumball without any help."
Kyle growled before rolling off the bed, standing, and stretching his slender body. Being curled up in one position for a while had made his joints slightly stiff.
"You're an asshole, you know that?" Kyle shook his coppery curls out of his face before looking into the bag. He frowned. "Where are all the blue ones?"
Eric closed his hand and kept his eyes glued to the screen. "How should I know?"
Kyle turned to glare at his counterpart. "Cartman…"
"Open your hand."
"Why?" His innocent act would've probably worked had it not been for the grin tugging at his lips.
The redhead dropped the bag on the desk and rested one hand on the back of the chair. "Because I know you have the last blue one."
Kyle rolled his eyes and grabbed the other boy's wrist, prying his fingers open with his other hand. Sure enough, there sat the tiny round ball in Eric's palm. He looked down at it in mock surprise and grinned.
"Whaddya know? I did have it after all." Eric yanked his thick wrist free of Kyle's grip and popped the gumball into his mouth. After a moment, he finally tore his gaze from the monitor to glance up at the speechless Jew. "Something wrong?"
"I…wanted…the blue one…"
"Calm down, there's still like ten of them left. Just get another color."
"Maybe you didn't hear me. I want the blue one."
"Well that's too damn bad, cause it's already in my mouth."
"I don't care, I still want it."
Eric's face went slightly pink at that comment, but he covered it with a disgusted frown. "Eww! What part of 'it's already in my mouth' don't you understand, Jew?"
"I don't really see what that has to do with getting my blue gumball back."
"Okay, so how the hell do you plan on getting it then?"
The older boy just stared at him, a smirk gradually forming on his lips. Eric was beginning to get nervous, especially with the way Kyle's green eyes kept flickering between his own eyes and his mouth. He hated the fact that he could never win a staring contest against the Jew; there was just something about that penetrating gaze that made him look away every time.
Why the hell is he looking at me like that? Eric thought, slipping the gumball under his tongue while his cheeks grew warmer by the second. Is he trying to tell me something? Oh God…
Kyle leaned closer, keeping his eyes locked on Eric's face. This made the stocky boy even more uncomfortable and he stood abruptly, breaking eye contact and shuffling several feet away.
The redhead's smirk widened as he moved toward where Eric now stood, pulling at the bottom of his T-shirt. "Something wrong?" he mimicked the other boy's tone from earlier.
Eric scowled. "No, I just…I-I think I need to go to the bathroom now."
In one swift backwards motion, Kyle closed and locked the bedroom door before Eric could even move. He leaned against it and grinned as the brunette's face flushed even further. "Well I think you can hold it for a minute while I reclaim what's rightfully mine."
"Dammit, Kyle, it was my bag of gumballs!" Eric frantically tried to think of a way to get past him and to the sweet sanctuary of his bathroom down the hall.
Kyle raised himself off of the door and took a few steps forward, folding his arms over his chest. "But you knowthat blue is my favorite, and you'd already chewed up the rest of them anyway." Now this is fun. Hmm…he's kinda cute when he's nervous…
"They all taste the same!" He hurriedly stepped back, not looking where he was going.
"If that were the case, would I be making such a big deal out of this?"
Eric's normally crafty brain was now drawing a complete blank. All the blood seemed to be rushing either to his face or to somewhere south of his bellybutton, the latter gaining prominence with every step Kyle took. "Um…the legal age of consent is sixteen!" Oh, good one. That's sure to change his mind… He mentally slapped himself.
Kyle stopped and laughed for a moment, but regained his composure and moved closer. "Again, I don't really see what that has to do with me getting my gumball. And you turned sixteen back in July, genius."
"That doesn't mean that I—sonuvabitch." He had just hit the wall…literally. There was nowhere to run; the Jewish boy had him cornered. Eric noticed that Kyle's grin had changed somewhere along the line from smug to predatory, an observation that made him swallow audibly.
"So…about that gumball…"
Eric could count the freckles on Kyle's nose. "W-what are you gonna do?"
"What do you think?" he whispered.
Not giving him any reaction time, Kyle grabbed Eric's left hand with his right, intertwining their fingers. I wonder if he'll try to hit me after I do this…
The younger boy glanced down at their linked hands, then back into the flashing green eyes that could stop him in his tracks with one look. "Um…okay, how 'bout if I just give it to you? That'll make you happy, right?" He willed himself not to stare when Kyle licked his lips.
"No, that's all right. I can get a gumball myself without any help, remember?" The redhead's left arm snaked around Eric's shoulders comfortably, seeing as they were about the same height.
Needless to say, Eric was the one left speechless this time around. "Um…"
Kyle rolled his eyes and closed the small distance that was left between them, pressing his lips against Eric's. When the brown-haired boy opened his mouth to gasp in surprise, Kyle's tongue went to work. Eric did quite well playing keep-away considering his brain was half-fogged by undeniable pleasure, but the Jew finally managed to curl his tongue around the gumball and transfer it to his own mouth. He gave Eric's tongue one last affectionate stroke before ending the kiss and pulling back just enough to look at him.
The heavyset boy opened his eyes and grinned stupidly for a split-second before reality kicked in. His gaze immediately shifted from half-lidded amazement to fury. Kyle felt a pang go through his heart as he waited for the punch in the face and/or scream of "Gotdamn Jew germs!" he knew was coming.
"You…stole my gum…"
"You stole my gum!"
Kyle blinked, then stared questioningly into Eric's wide brown eyes. There was mild anger, but also playfulness and something else he couldn't quite identify. "I…um…"
"Well, since you've got your precious blue gumball back, I guess I'll have to go get a new one," he said. The angry look remained, but there was a definite joking tone to his voice. He took his time untangling his hand from Kyle's, at last strolling over to where the half-full bag of gumballs still lay on his desk and plucking out a red one.
Kyle wrinkled his nose when he remembered to taste the gumball in his mouth. "Blegh. Your saliva took all the flavor out of this thing. I'm getting a new one too," he said, spitting it out into the trash can. He smiled when Eric politely handed him the bag, but it turned into a frown when he looked inside. "Where are all the red ones?"
Eric nearly choked.
Kyle lowered the bag slowly, eyes fixing Eric with another blazing stare before he could even think of hightailing it to the bathroom. "You know that red is my second-favorite."
"Somehow I get the feeling that we're not gonna make it to the movies tonight…" Eric mused, sliding the new gumball under his tongue.
Reviews would be most appreciated! Constructive criticism is welcome, flames will be used to cook latkes for Kyle's Hanukkah party. Hit the purple button if you feel the love!