Dislaimer: If, after reading this, you still think I own the real Harry Potter books, Severus Snape could not devise an insult that would describe your intelligence.
What Happened to JKR?
Book 6 hadn't started yet, so Harry was busily crying about Sirius. He had a lot of crying to get done and he was doing it so fast he had squirted tears ten feet, breaking the world record.
The door exploded open and Draco Malfoy yelled, "I've got you now, Potter!"
Then Uncle Vernon yelled from somewhere in the house, "Dudley!" Dudley immediately knew what to do and punched Malfoy in the back of his head–by going through his face.
"What are you doing now, Potter?"
Malfoy and Harry now shared a cell in Azkaban, because Dumbledore had thrown Malfoy in prison for attacking Harry and Lucius Malfoy had thrown Harry in prison because he could bribe the most people.
"I'm building a time machine," Harry said as he wandlessly conjured something very complicated-looking.
"Wait, isn't wandless magic impossible?" Malfoy asked.
"I'm Harry Potter."
KABOOM! Harry and Malfoy were now standing in a clearing somewhere.
"Where are we?"
"We've traveled through time and I'm going to be Salazar Slytherin," Harry explained.
"Can I be Godric Gryffindor? I've always wanted to get to kick you out of Hogwarts."
"No," said a big, blond man who looked very wise, "I'm Godric Gryffindor."
"That's impossible!" Malfoy yelled.
"Because you look wise!"
Malfoy then slammed his fist into the man's face and broke his nose. "Now you're too bloody to look wise!"
"Why you little…" then Gryffindor grabbed Malfoy's throat and began to throttle him.
"Hey, you can't do that!" Harry yelled, "Martians confounded us and now we're best friends!"
"But the script says were supposed to be friends before we start trying to kill each other," Gryffindor pointed out.
"Oh, right," Harry said, whacking Malfoy on the head with the flat of his sword.
"Ow! Hey, where'd you get that sword?"
"I dunno, but it has Gryffindor's name on it."
"It Godric," Godric corrected. "We're friends."
"Oh, right," Harry said, handing the sword over.
"Thanks, Slytherin," Godric said.
"Wait, isn't it Salazar?"
"No, we're not friends anymore, now that I have the sword!"
Harry and Draco sprinted away as fast as they could, Gryffindor flailing his sword wildly and pursuing hotly.
Several hours later, Harry and Draco had lost Gryffindor, along with any sense of direction.
"Where d'you reckon we are?" Harry asked.
"How am I supposed to know? You dumped us in the middle of nowhere with that stupid time machine of yours!"
"YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT," thundered a voice from above.
"Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-" Malfoy stammered in fright.
"Who's there?" Harry called out.
"IT IS I, MASTER BOMBADIL!"
"Th-the author?" Harry was now stammering, too.
"YES, YOU MORTAL FOOLS!"
"Are you any relation of Tom Bombadil?" Draco asked as he remembered that Tom Bombadil from The Lord of the Rings was his 97th cousin on his mother's side.
"ARE YOU REFERRING TO THE POWERFUL ARCHMAGE THAT RULED THE OLD FOREST AND MADE BARROW-WIGHTS AND NAZGUL TREMBLE AT THE MENTION OF HIS NAME?"
"Yes," Draco said hopefully, the author seemed to have a lot of respect for Tom Bombadil.
"NO, BUT I TURNED HIM INTO A CAT AND MADE HIM MY PET." Harry and Draco gulped. "NOW START FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT!"
"I'm not doing anything some manipulative old coot says!" Harry yelled.
"DO I HAVE TO WRITE A SCENE WHERE YOU GROVEL BEFORE VOLDEMORT?"
"MUST I TRANSFIGURE YOU INTO TOILET PAPER AND GIVE YOU TO SNAPE?"
"DO I HAVE TO CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE, ENCHANT IT SO YOU CAN STILL TASTE WITH IT, AND LOCK IT IN A BOTTLE OF SKELE-GRO FOR ALL ETERNITY?"
"Please…" Apparently, the Martians' hadn't done a very good job with their confundus charms, because Draco was now grinning like his father had told him he could dump Pansy Parkinson.
"BUT I LIKE YOU'RE ATTITUDE, SO I'M DOING ALL OF THAT TO MALFOY INSTEAD!"
Next thing Harry knew, he was falling. When he landed, he looked around and saw that he was in a giant crater, with a roll of toilet paper, a tongue and a bottle of skele-gro lying in the center. "I'd change you back, Malfoy, but I don't have my wand, and everyone knows wandless magic is impossible," Harry said before apparating to Hogwarts.
"Godric better not be late getting back, an important guest is visiting the school for dinner,"' Rowena said.
"Who?" Harry asked, not really minding if Gryffindor was late.
"Master Bombadil," Rowena giggled, then blushed. Harry just put his head in his hands and groaned, whether from having to meet the author again or listening to Rowena talking about him like he was Lockhart even he could not tell.
Just then the doors of the great hall burst open and Master Bombadil strode in. He was… indescribable, and merely being in his presence was… indescribable.
Sometime later, an enormous thundering on the doors interrupted dinner with the indescribable Master Bombadil.
"What's that?" Harry asked nervously as he turned to Master Bombadil.
"Master Bombadil?" Harry then looked under the table and found Master Bombadil hiding. "What's happening? Why are you hiding?"
"I'm not hiding, it's a tactical withdrawal. And those are my fans! I haven't updated The Wanderer in ages! Save me!"
"But… you're the author!"
"You're Harry Potter!"
Right, Harry thought, what do I usually do in these situations? Harry then dropped his wand and dashed out the great hall doors screaming "KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME! RUN FOR YOU'RE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!"
Several kilometers away from Hogwarts…
"That was fun! Why does Master Bombadil always have to hog the capslock?"
Harry had come back into Hogwarts through Honeydukes (which hadn't been built yet) and was now strolling the corridors hoping to run into someone. He had lost his script while he was running and had no idea what he was supposed to be doing, but he usually did a lot of talking to people during climaxes and that would require meeting someone else. But he didn't stroll very fast, because climaxes were usually unpleasant.
"Who are you?" Harry asked an angry fan.
"I am Thoth, Father of Magic."
"I've always wanted a father!" Harry threw his arms around Thoth and began sobbing into his robes.
"I'm fifteen! I'm way too young to be a father!"
"You broke my heeeaaaaarrrrrrrt!" Harry wailed.
After Madam Pomphrey had fixed his heart (if she was in the time of the founders, she must have been a bit older than he thought, but she was a pretty good healer), Harry found Master Bombadil hiding behind a desk arguing with a cat.
"I'll turn you back and make you omnipotent in one of my fics if you get rid of them."
"Three," the cat answered.
Both cat and author suddenly fell silent as all the fans started trying to figure out where the noise had come from; then they all started arguing about it loudly, allowing Master Bombadil to continue his conversation. (Thoth just stood around wishing his brother were a fan too, so he could argue with him.)
"And a trillion galleons," the cat added.
"Okay," Master Bombadil said, snapping his fingers and turning the cat into a short man with a blue jacket and yellow boots.
"I AM TOM BOMBADIL AND I'M INVINCIBLE," the man yelled, "GET OUT!"
The fans immediately vanished.
"Hey, I didn't even have to make up a stupid song," Tom Bombadil said before collecting a massive money bag from Master Bombadil and leaving.
"It must really hurt to lose a pet like that," Harry said.
"Yeah," Master Bombadil agreed, "even if I did pay him in leprechaun gold."
"Well, I guess I'd better be going, your indescibableness," Harry turned to leave, but was stopped as something occurred to Master Bombadil.
"I'm going to need a new pet…"
Harry transformed into a phoenix and vanished in a flash of fire.
"Why did I have to make him Harry Potter?"