Did They Really Say That Or Have I Just Done What I Usually Do And Messed It All Up?
See if you can figure out where I started to get silly...
EXCLUSIVE- The latest editions to this Fan Fic, catch them here!
"Why Were You At Tod's House Last Night?"
Alex: Why were you at Tod's house last night?
Clear: I've seen enough TV to know the FBI doesn't investigate teen suicides. If they were there last night, it means, one- they still don't have any idea what caused the crash, and two-the fact that seven people got off the plane is probably weird enough, not to mention the fact that one of those people had a vision, or, whatever, and the fact that the visionaries friend just committed suicide is highly suspicious.
Alex: Could you repeat that- In English?
Clear: Aw come on, you're just jealous cos I'm articulate.
Alex: I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous at all that you just spouted a load of crap that I couldn't understand. I asked you a simple question. I want a simple answer.
Clear: Well we can't always have what we want.
Alex/Clear: What you want isn't always what you get.
Clear: How did you know I was gonna say that?
Alex: (not able to summon up the effort to give a logical answer)...I had a vision.
Clear: (shocked) Really?
Alex: (sighing) No. Not really. (he sees a sculpture.) What the hell is this?
Clear: Figure it out.
Alex: I'm not an art critic.
Clear: You can say that again.
Alex: It looks like a...this is a er...this is one of those wobbly men that you see on the Generation Game.
Clear: No, you're looking at the wrong one you idiot! The one next to it.
Alex: (rubbing his chin in thought) Well...This is quite obviously a sculpture of me. Not a likeness. Infact, I believe this sculpture is the reflection of the way I make you feel.
Clear: Carry on...
Alex: It's reluctant to take form. And yet, it creates an absolute, but incomprehensible attraction.
Clear: Wow! And you said you weren't an art critic? You got it exactly right. Right down to the very last detail. You amaze me.
Alex: Oh, I'm a fraud.
Clear: What do you mean?
Alex: I just read your lines out of the script. (He hangs his head) I'm no art critic Clear. I'm sorry.
Clear: Doesn't matter...Hey! D'ya know what would really be fun?
Alex: No, what?
Clear: Let's break into the funeral home and spy on Tod's body.
Alex: Yeah! But why?
Clear: Dunno. I didn't write the script did I?
Alex: No. Neither did I...(he looks off set, to where James Wong is sitting in his directors chair)...Wong-Chong China Man, why do we have to go to the Funeral Home?
James Wong: E-Excuse me? Were you referring to me, when you said, 'Wong Chong China Man?'
Alex: Well, I don't see any more Wong Chong China Men around here...Do you?
James Wong: (Looking around him) Well...
Glen Morgan: He's got a point Wing-Wang.
James Wong: Ahhhhhh! Stop picking on me you four eyed git! (he looks at his watch) It's 2:30. Where the hell have you been?
Glen Morgan: In the wardrobe department.
James Wong: Why?
Glen Morgan: Helping Kristen with her costume.
James Wong: She didn't need any help with those sodding clothes!
Glen Morgan: Oh Really? (nudge nudge wink wink)
James Wong: (he shudders) Enough said Morgie.
Glen Morgan: Could you stop calling me Morgie? It sounds so morbid.
James Wong: Only if you stop calling me 'Wing Wang'. You've got the whole cast doing it now.
(At that moment Seann William Scott walks past)
Seann William Scott: Hi Wing Wang!
(James Wong waves half heartedly.)
James Wong: See? See?
The Tale Of Wing Wang and Morgie
Glen Morgan: And that's a wrap! Piss off home now you bunch of losers.
Tomorrow we'll work on Kristen's death.
(Kristen Cloke walks past)
Kristen: That's Ms. Lewton's death, actually.
Glen Morgan: Sorry Snuggle Bunny. You know I wouldn't want you to die.
Kristen: Maybe so, but not many husbands have the pleasure of killing their wives time and time again do they?
Glen Morgan: I guess the God's were looking down on me.
Glen Morgan continued: So, Wing Wang, what we gonna do now?
James Wong: (annoyed) Will you stop calling me that!
Glen Morgan: Calling you what Wing Wang?
James Wong: Jim is fine. Jimmy, I can accept. I would even allow you to call me Jim-Jam as long as you stop calling me WING WANG!
Glen Morgan: Sorry Wing Wang.
James Wong: There you go again! Stop it!
Glen Morgan: Well you always call me Morgie. I hate that name.
James Wong: (mocking) And you actually like the name 'Glen'? Gimme a frickin break. (to himself) 'Glen.' 'Glen'...Ha ha ha ha! What a sad name.
Glen Morgan: I didn't choose it!
James Wong: Okay, okay. I think I have a solution to our problems.
Glen Morgan: What?
James Wong: We need to figure out new nicknames for each other. I'll go first. You call me...Er... 'Fantastic Jim, the most fantastic man that ever saved the earth with a great ball of fire.'
Glen Morgan: I'm not calling you that. I'll call you Yin-Yang.
James Wong: No!
Glen Morgan: What's wrong with Yin-Yang?
James Wong: You're being racist again! Can you think of at least one name that isn't picking on the fact that I'm Chinese?
Glen Morgan: I take it 'Mighty Wing Wong' is unacceptable then.
James Wong: I'm not even going to dignify that with a reply...Hey, I know what to call you...Specky Four Eyes!
Glen Morgan: It's been done. Try to be more original. If you have to pick on the fact that I wear glasses, call me something more...er...Like...Sir Reginald Spectacle.
James Wong: I can really see that sticking. (mocking) "Oh, Sir Reginald Spectacle, could you come over here a moment?" As if! No, I'll call you Robin Hood.
Glen Morgan: How d'ya work that out?
James Wong: (singing) 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the Glen.'...Get it?
Glen Morgan: Well...I suppose...But let's get one thing straight. I'm NOT wearing tights.
James Wong: Sorted. But then we come to the little matter of my nickname.
Glen Morgan: I'll call you Sushi.
James Wong: I can think of two things wrong with that. One- I see where you're going and you're just a shallow, narrow minded, racist person, and two- Sushi is Japanese, I am Chinese.
Glen Morgan: What about Noodles? Is that okay?
James Wong: Noodles...Noodles...Hmmmmmmmmm...Okay I suppose.
Glen Morgan: Then we're agreed. I'm Robin Hood, you're Noodles.
Putting It To The Test:
(Noodles and Robin Hood walk onto the set with a megaphone)
Noodles: (talking into Megaphone) Right. May I have your attention please...And that includes you Ambrosia.
Devon Sawa: Ambrosia?
Robin Hood: You know, Devonshire Custard?
Noodles: From now on, you will be callling us executives by different names. I, am Noodles. (he points to Glen) This, is Robin Hood.
Devon Sawa: Why do we have to call you that?
Noodles: What is this? Bloody Twenty questions? 'Why is the sky blue?' Why is the Earth Round?' So bloody obvious.
Devon Sawa: No, it isn't.
Robin Hood: Anyway...Are we gonna get this show on the road now? We've got Kristen death to shoot today.
Devon Sawa: Wing Wa- I mean, Noodles, I was thinking...
Devon Sawa: I was thinking, maybe we could forget the film and go out to a bar and get pissed.
Noodles: What's the occasion?
Devon Sawa: Er...To celebrate er...Your new nicknames.
Noodles: Excellent Idea. Go and Tell everyone and we'll leave in about ten minutes. (he looks at Glen) Come along Robin Hood.
Robin Hood: But it's Kristen's death! Kristen's death!
Kristen Cloke: And your point is?
(they start to walk off)
Robin Hood: Noooooooooo! Don't do this to me! Kristen's death! We can't leave it when we're at the best part! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Guys! Guys come back! Where the hell are you going? I don't want to go to a bar...Noodles...Noodles?...Oh, here it goes!
(he runs off set)
Devon's Discussion Group
(Devon Sawa is standing infront of about ten kids, giving a discussion.)
Devon: And so, do don't drugs, because drugs are bad.
Little boy in group: But you told us before that drugs were good. You said we had to 'pop the pills' every day.
Devon: (laughing uncertainly) No I didn't. Shut up! (He notices a little girl with pigtails putting her hand up) Yes Sweetie?
Little Girl: He's right Mr. Sour.
Devon: My name is Sawa!
(James 'Noodles' Wong walks in)
James Wong: How's the discussion group going Ambrose?
Little boy: Ambrose? I thought your name was De Von Dudley.
Devon Sawa: I can't take these little S.O.B's anymore Noodles! They keep getting my sodding name wrong!
James Wong: Please Ambrose, not infront of the children.
Devon Sawa: Stop calling me Ambrose! I don't like it! I want to be called, what I want to be called, and what I want to be called, is DEVON. (to the children) Do you read me, you stupid thick little tossers?!
James Wong: Ambrose, I'm gonna have to stop you leading these discussions if you carry on with this.
African kid: I went to Devon on holiday.
Little boy: Yeah, you're an idiot. Devon's a county, not a name.
Little Girl: You're a liar Mr. Sour.
Devon Sawa: If they don't shut up within the next five seconds, I swear I'm gonna-
James Wong: Okay, okay, I'll try to sort this out. (to the children) Now Children, the leader of this discussion, is called Mr. Sawa. That's Sah-Wa. Repeat after me, Sah-Wa
The group: Sah-Wa
James Wong: Good. His first name, is Devon. And he would like you to call him, either Devon, or Mr. Sawa. Have you got that?
The group: Yes Wing Wang.
James Wong: (angry) Who have you been speaking to?! Who told you about that? (he storms off crying)
Devon Sawa: Do you think we can carry on with our talk on drugs now?
Little Girl: I think so Mr. Sour.
Devon Sawa: (sighing) Okay. So we know drugs are bad. Er...
African kid: Mr. Cornwall sir, are there any types of good drugs?
Devon Sawa: It's Devon actually, not Cornwall. But well tried. Er...I've always been partial to LSD as a matter of fact. Oh, and pot's good too.
Another kid who wears glasses: Mr. See-Saw?
Devon Sawa: Oh dear, you haven't been listening at all have you four eyes? But never mind. Carry on.
Glasses kid: What's pot?
Devon Sawa: Marijuana. That answer your question?
Glasses Kid: What's mari-er...what you said?
Devon Sawa: What am I, the answerman? Get out of my discussion group specky!
(The Glasses kid leaves, crying)
Little Boy: You made Timmy cry Mr. Sour.
(Devon's getting angry again, but tries to keep calm)
Devon Sawa: Yes, I did. Do you have an objection to that?
Little boy: (scared) Er...No. Course not.
Devon Sawa: Good. Now, I'll tell you about the wonderful trips I had when I took LSD once.
Little Girl: What does LSD stand for Mr. Sour?
Devon Sawa: You want a smack in the mouth missy?
(Little girl gets up and leaves, crying)
Devon Sawa: I went to a magical fairy land, with pixies and elves dancing around. It was magic.
African kid: Mr. Er...
Devon Sawa: Devon. Just call me Devon.
African Kid: Devon, I'm bored of this crappy discussion.
(Devon Sawa points to the door angrilly)
Devon Sawa: Well the bloody doors open you ungrateful little twat! Get out!
(By now it is just Devon and the little boy left)
Little boy: When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.
Devon Sawa: Thanks.
Little boy: I'm gonna take drugs and die. Coooooooooooll!
(he get's up and leaves, just as Noodles enters the room again.)
Noodles: So, how did the discussion go? Did you stop them from wanting to take drugs?
Devon Sawa: I'm working on it.
He's Not Talking To Me:
Clear: (To Weine and Schreck) I don't know where he is. He's not talking to me.
Schreck: Why not?
Clear: Cos I didn't believe him.
Schreck: Well, if he does contact you, it would be in the best interests of your safety if you gave us a call. (He passes over a piece of paper) Here's my card. It's all a free number. (Noticing Clear's artwork) Interesting work.
Clear: Oh yeah? And what's that supposed to mean?
Schreck: It means, interesting work.
Clear: No it doesn't. You were being sarcastic.
Schreck: Well D'uh?
Clear: There you go again, see?
Weine: Look, Clear-
Clear: You can call me Miss. Rivers please. I'm not Clear to you.
Weine: Sheesh! Sor-ry.
Clear: (To Schreck) Could you do artwork as originally or with as much carefully perfected skill as me?
Schreck: Actually, I attended a top art college for many years, Miss Rivers.
Clear: Yes, but could you?
Schreck: I could take you on single-handedly you smarmy cow!
Clear: All right, you're on. Whoever can build the best sculpture made entirely from fishsticks in an hour is the best at art.
Schreck: You got yourself a deal Missy.
Weine: Guys, Guys! Stop this! (He produces a pen from behind his back) If you have to do something, click this pen. (He clicks the lid)
Clear: (snatching pen from Weine) Say, that looks like fun.
Schreck: (producing another pen) Weiner, you play winnner!
(Clear and Schreck start clicking pens as fast as they can)
Switchblades and other Gay Stuff:
(Carter drives up by the memorial and nearly knocks Billy off his bike again)
Billy: Carter you dick!
(Without a word, Carter gets out of the car, and pulling a sinister face, whips up a switchblade right infront of Billy. He then walks over to the memorial and bends down to it, etching something in it. Clear approaches them)
Clear: (To Carter) What are you doing?
Carter: I remembered, all this plane crash stuff's distracted me. I haven't done graffiti in ages. Yeah...Time to get back to my roots.
Clear: Don't you think that's a bit, how should I put this- insensitive?
Carter: Yeah. And your point is?
Clear: Never mind.
Billy: So...What are we doing here?
Clear: We're going to find Alex.
Carter: (still writing on the memorial) Oh Jesus Christ! Why?
Clear: Because we are, dumbass. Now stop asking questions and let's roll.
Carter: I don't like your attitude Miss. Rivers.
Billy: Why did you want us to meet you here anyway?
Clear: Because they're watching me, to see if I go to Alex. That's why you're taking me.
Carter: And why the hell would I want to see him?
Clear: Because he knows which one of us is next.
Carter: (getting to his feet and putting switchblade in his pocket) Do you?
Clear: What do you think you idiot? Do you think I'd be here meeting you if I already knew? God, you're soooooooo dense!
Carter: I'm not dense! You are! You're the densest dense that ever densed!
Billy: (Musing) Density. Volume divided by mass. Or is it mass divided by volume? Hmmmmmmm. I love maths.
Clear: (To Billy) Right, well, can we get a bloody move on please Einstein? (sarcastic) Maybe on the way you can explain to me the theory of relativity.
(They get in the car and go)
Next day- Mr. Doggett, Mt. Abraham High School's headteacher, stands over the memorial, looking at the graffiti, which reads, 'Die Alex Browning you sad psychic git I wish a sledgehammer would smash your face in and a truck ride over you. Sighed, Carter Horton.'
Mr. Doggett: Oh my. When will that boy learn to stop signing his name at the bottom?
Pure Shores- "I'm moving, I'm coming, can you hear what I hear, it's calling you my dear, out of reach, take me to my beach."
Alex: You think they're still up there? Somewhere, is Flight 180 still in flight? Are they safe?
Clear: Have you gone round the twist? The plane blew up! Course they aren't safe, they're six foot under!
Alex: No, I mean, in a poetic kind of way, are they-
Clear: Oh, don't speak to me about poetry. I'm an artist, not a poet.
Clear: Cram it.
Alex: Why are you here anyway?
Clear: I feel it's my duty to help you.
Alex: That's what I was afraid of.
Clear: And what's that supposed to mean? Listen, when I was a kid, like, 6 or 7, I used to worry so much about my parents dying. Just lying there awake at night, just worrying.
Alex: So? What d'ya want me to do about it?
Clear: You don't understand. My Dad got killed Alex. In a 7-11. When he was buying cigarettes.
Alex: Then I suppose what they say is true. Smoking does kill.
Clear: Stop it! This isn't funny!
Alex: Look, Clear. Is this conversation actually going anywhere?
Clear: Not really. What are you doing here anyway?
Alex: I'm hiding.
Clear: I knew that. But why here?
Alex: Those agents think I'm a psycho killer. Would a psycho killer sit on a sandy beach gazing up to the stars, absorbing the tranquility of the atmosphere?
Clear: You never know.
Alex: No, they wouldn't.
Clear: How'd you know? Been talking to any psycho killers lately?
Alex: No, but I just thought that Weine and Schreck wouldn't find me if I was here.
Clear: I knew you were here.
Clear: Dunno. It doesn't even say in the script. But, If I had to guess, I'd say it's because of that absolute, but incomprehensible attraction I told you about earlier.
Clear: How long had you been here?
Alex: A few hours. I actually hid in a suitcase in my parent's wardrobe for five hours, but it was getting kinda cramped.
Clear: Why'd they cut that scene out?
Alex: What scene?
Clear: (sighing) Exactly. (to herself) It's just another dead end in the love life of Clear Rivers.
Jerry Waggner: Didn't you see it?
Alex: What happened?
Jerry: You caused Tod so much guilt over George staying on the plane, he took his own life.
Alex: No. He wouldn't do that. He told me we'd be friends again after you got better. Why would he make plans with me if he was thinking about killing himself?
(Mr. Waggner starts to walk off)
Alex: Mr. Waggner! Mr. Wanker!
(Mr. Waggner spins around)
Jerry: What the hell did you just call me?
Jerry: You son of a bitch! You killed both my sons and then you go and call me a wanker? You're gonna pay this time!
Alex: No, It was an accident. I'm so sorry Mr. Wank- I mean, Mr. Waggner. Really, it was just a slip of the tongue, I'm so, so, so
(Jerry Waggner approaches him looking evil)
Alex: So, so, sorry. Honestly.
Jerry: I can't trust a word you're saying you lying little bugger. You promised me you'd take care of them! You promised me!
Alex: Yeah well, we can't all be perfect. I was going to look after them, I was. But I got thrown off the plane, and I couldn't help George, and-
Jerry: How convenient. Just get out of my sight before I have you arrested.
After Terry's death: (Just to exaggerate the insensitivity)
Ken Browning: So, what happened today son?
Alex: Oh, Terry, this girl from my school got hit by a bus.
Ken: So, you had a good day then?
Billy and Carter look for Alex:
Billy: You wanna know what I think?
Billy: I think, that-
Carter: Billy. Shut up. Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loud-mouthed malcontent.
Billy: I don't care what you say, I'm saying it anyway.
Carter: Would you care if I opened the door and threw you out in the dust?
Billy: I have my seatbelt on.
Carter: Well how about if I do this?
(He undoes Billy's seatbelt)
Billy: I can strap myself back in.
Carter: Well what if I- oh, to hell with it. What were you gonna say?
Billy: I think she knows where Alex is. She deliberately sent us off on this wild goose chase to get rid of us.
Carter: Don't be ridiculous.
Carter: Look Billy, I told you not to be ridiculous.
Carter: Shut up. Clear doesn't know where he is anymore than we do. (he laughs) Why the hell would she try to get rid of us anyway? What's she gonna do? (he laughs again, but sees Billy's knowing look) Oh. Right.
Billy: Well there's no point in driving along here is there?
Carter: Billy, will you please be fair to me and my car for just one second?
Billy: What the hell are you talking about?
Carter: My car won't be with us for much longer. I'd like to change that by my actions are being controlled by a chinese guy. So, I'd like to make valuable use of the time I have left with Tara.
Carter: That's my car's name okay?
(Billy gives him a funny look)
Carter: What? You never called your parents cars Gumdrop or Herbie when you were a kid?
Billy: Not to my recollection.
Carter: I did. Anyways, what's the name of that bike of yours?
Billy: Bike? Name? It doesn't have one.
Carter: Give it one then. Things should always have names. It's just the way of the world.
Billy: Look Carter, I'm really sorry to bring this up, but your girlfriend was killed yesterday.
Carter: Yeah. Life's a bitch ain't it?
Billy: So you're not bothered?
(Carter picks up a script off the backseat. He passes it to Billy, pointing out a specific part)
Carter: Line 46. 'Carter doesn't give a flying monkey's arse his girlfriend has just been killed'.
Billy: You're right. But it also says, Billy dies a terrible, terrible death because-
(Carter snatches it back)
Carter: Er...That's classified information. You better give it back to me. Hell, I'm not even meant to have it. I stole it from Glen Morgan when he was getting a danish.
Carter: I mean, I'm just doing my job before I'm killed off. It's the least I could do. You ever seen the Truman Show?
Billy: Yes. Why?
Carter: Cos I'm looking for the way out of here. Now, in the Truman Show, he had to conquer his fears and sail across that fake sea and go through the door. But in my case, what's my worst fear?
Billy: What are you looking at me for?
Carter:What could there possibly be that would stop me from escaping this fake town called Mt. Abraham?
Billy: Carter, I think Clear needs us to go back and pick up her and Alex.
Carter: Pipe down you imbecile, I'm thinking. What's my worst fear? I don't even have a worst-
(The car suddenly bumps into something and stops.)
Carter: Yes! The cardboard backdrop thing is actually real! Now, all we need to do is find the door and we're on our way.
(He gets out. Billy gets out aswell.)
Billy: Carter, you're seriously jepordising the storyline here.
Carter: So? It's not like I'm asking you to do anything wrong. Go have an eskimo pie or something.
Carter: Stop it Billy! Drive back and pick up your bum-chums if you want but I'm getting out of here before they try the old 'look out there's a sign falling from a French building' trick.
(Carter is feeling the wall trying to find a door.)
Carter: Well go on then, if you want to keep the story to the script you can just go off and get them. I, on the other hand am making history.
Billy: Carter, we need you to try and kill yourself. If you don't get stuck in your car, the car won't get blown to hell and I won't be decapitated. Therefore, the film will grind to a halt, and it will all be your fault, and James Wong will hate us and probably brand us with red-hot pokers and the film won't get any money in the box-office and we'll all die terrible terrible deaths! I'll never work again!
Carter: What did I just tell you about that eskimo pie Billy?
Outside the Coffee Shop:
Alex: If it is, then it's not finished. And we will die, now, not later. Unless, unless we find the pattern and cheat it again.
Clear: Well, I like the sound of that 'Now not Later' stuff. How soon, I mean, if you're right, how long before we die?
Alex: (Looks at his watch) Er...couple of minutes according to my watch.
Clear: What? Me and You die in a couple of minutes?
Alex: (Still looking at watch) Well, it's hard to say really. I don't think so..I think it's someone else's turn first...
Clear: (Rubbing hands together) Oooh, someone I hate?
Alex: Like I said, it's hard to tell.
Clear: But I wanna die now Alex. (whinging)
Alex: Oh, I was kinda hoping it didn't have to come to this...
(He gets a knife out from under the table.)
Clear: What are you doing?
Alex: You said you wanted to die.
Clear: Aw, you'd do that for me?
Alex: Sure. Where d'ya wanna be stabbed?
Clear: I'm not fussy.
The Alternative Death Scene:
Terry: I have had enough! Of both of you! They died, and we lived. Get over it! I will not let this plane crash be the most important thing in my life!
Alex: (Whispering to Carter) Did you watch the game last night?
Carter: Yeah. Great touchdown wasn't it?
Terry: Excuse me? Are you listening? This is my final speech guys! Geez, the least you could do is pay attention.
Carter: Sorry. (To Alex) I liked the bit where-
Terry: Carter! For the love of God, shut up! Now, as I was saying, I'm moving on Carter, and if you wanna waste your life beating the shit out of Alex-
Carter: Er Terry? ( he points in distance) There's a...there's a bu-
Terry: Shut up! I haven't finished yet! Right, now where was I?
Clear: 'If you wanna waste your life beating the shit out of Alex.'
Terry: Ah, yes. If you wanna waste your life beating the shit out of Alex, you can just drop-
(Alex dives into the road and pulls Terry to safety as a bus speeds past, narrowly missing her.)
Terry: Alex! You've ruined the film!
Clear: Way to go Alex.
Carter: Man, I looking forward to seeing her guts flying everywhere-
Carter: Did I just say that? I meant to say that er...I er...I was looking forward to...I love you.
Ms. Lewton: So, stealing Carter's last line, Who's next?
(They stare at her knowingly)
Ms. Lewton: Me? Damn. But wait a second.. I traded my place with Alex's for a bowl of chocolate ice-cream.
Clear: You can really do that? Trade your place in the design for food?
Ms. Lewton: Sure.
Clear: Well that's the end of that then. So long suckers.
(she walks off)
Alex: So, you're saying, that I'm next?
Ms. Lewton: Sorry, but I just can't say no to ice-cream.
Carter: So I see...
Ms. Lewton: Are you implying that I'm fat?
Carter: Oh no, no, course not. (He bursts out laughing)
Terry: Hello? I was meant to die but I didn't, and you find that funny?
Carter: Yeah. Forgive me for having a sense of humour Terry.
(Terry walks back into middle of road)
Terry: Well I'm not gonna stay in this world a second longer if you're just gonna laugh in my face.
Alex: Sorry love, it skipped you.
Terry: God damn it!
Alex: I'm next.
Terry: (Impatient) Well hurry up and die then and stop being so flaming selfish!
(I think I've worn that one out now)
Outside JFK Airport:
Jerry Waggner: (he gives money to George) This is for both of you.
George: Thanks Dad.
Tod: Wait a cotton picking minute...Give that money to me immediately.
George: Piss off.
Tod: Oh, you are soooooooo selfish! Dad tell him! Tell him! He won't give me the money!
Jerry: Son, I told you, it's for both of you.
Tod: Then why has he got it all?
Jerry: He's older than you.
Tod: And that proves...what?
Jerry: At least he can dress himself.
Tod: I dress myself Dad! I do!
Jerry: Yeah, right.
Tod: I'm not the one on trial here.
Jerry: Neither am I. So run along to France and get out of my face sweetie.
Tod: (Embarrassed) Dad! Don't call me that infront of the cool people.
(Jerry looks around)
Jerry: Cool people? What the hell are you talking about?
(He sees Tod looking in the direction of two girls)
Jerry: Oh I get it.
Tod: No, you don't.
George: Yes, he does. Last night, you told me that, 'If you didn't get laid on the flight you were going to hang yourself'.
Tod: I did NOT say that!
George: Did too!
Jerry: I side with George.
Tod: I never said I was gonna hang myself. I said, I was gong to 'slit my wrists' actually.
Jerry: (looks at his watch) ooh, ooh, Star Trek starts in five minutes. Quick, if I go now and drive at (pretends to be working out complicated mathematical formulae in his head)...245 miles per hour constantly, I might just make it.
Tod: Oh But Daaaaaaaaaad! I want the money off George!
George: Well you're not getting it Little Bro'. I'm dying on this flight and taking your money with me. So ha.
Tod: Oh yeah?
Tod: Bring it on.
George: Oh per-lease. You really think you can challenge me?
Tod: Well...kinda...I mean, sort of...er...um... not really but I still want the money.
(Tod leaps up quickly and snatches the money out of George's pocket)
Tod: ha ha! I got the money, I got the money!
George: You give me that back right this second!
Tod: Who's gonna make me?
George: I am.
Tod: You and What army?
George: Er...(he thinks for a moment) Flying pig!
(George gets the money back)
George: Gotcha! Ha ha ha! Who's laughing now?
Tod: You Jammy bastard!
(They run off into the airport)
After They get Thrown Off The Plane:
Carter: Woah! (insert wild hand gestures here) We get thrown off the plane, and blow what?
(He looks at Terry, who shrugs)
Carter cont: Half a day in Paris? All because Browning had a bad fucking dream? (Mocking) The Plane, it's gonna blow up, it's gonna blow up.
Alex: (Calm) Yeah, like I said, it is. So what?
Tod: Excuse me Alex, but my brother's on that plane...Oh my God!
(Tod leaps up)
Alex: What's up Dude?
Tod: George has still got my money! The smarmy git!
Carter: The point is, I'm pissed off and I want to go to Paris.
Alex: So go. Who's stopping you?
Carter: You starting?
Alex: No. Why do you always have to do this Carter?
Carter: Are you saying that I always have to 'do something?'
Alex: Are you saying that I'm saying that you always have to 'do something?'
Carter: Are you saying that I was saying that you were saying that I always 'do something?'
Alex: Well no, but are you saying that I'm saying that you're saying that-
Tod: For the love of God, put a sock in it!
Alex: Are you telling me to put a sock in it?
Tod: Yes! Now give it a rest for god's sake!
Carter: Are you telling me to give it a rest? (Tod doesn't answer) Are you? Are you?
Terry: Hey Carter, come over here, I've got something to show you.
Carter: This better be worth it.
(He walks over to the window)
Terry: Aw, would you look at that? The planes exploding.
Terry: Isn't it pretty? All the sparks in the sky?
Carter: Like fireworks.
Terry: And the flames engulfing the whole aircraft, it's just-
Carter: Art. It's art Terry. Wonderful, and beautiful art.
Terry: Yeah...Hey Carter?
Terry: GET DOWN!
(The window shatters as they duck down quickly)
(Carter picks himself up off the floor)
Carter: Well, that's me the captain of the football team.
Terry: That's me head cheerleader!
(he picks her up and they start dancing round in circles)
Carter/Terry: We're number one! We're number one!
(Alex walks over)
Alex: You guys?
(They stop dancing, Carter puts Terry down.)
Carter: What now? Can't you see we're celebrating?
Alex: You know what this means now, don't you?
Carter: No, what?
Alex: No school!
(They all slap each other high fives)
(Tod lies on the floor, a tear runs down his cheek)
Tod: Goodbye fifty dollars. We'll meet again some day.
In The Interview Room:
Weine: Now, you got our attention at first because you were under suspicion of the plane explosion.
Weine: Now, I know you didn't blow up that plane. And we were ready to move on. But then the other survivors started to die. First your friend Tod, then Terry Chaney while you were there, while you were at the scene, and then tonight we pick you up at Val Lewton's house. Alex, Nobody has control over life and death, unless they are taking lives, and causing death. Now can you promise me that no-one else is going to die?
Alex: Hmmmm, that's a tough one. I'll phone a friend.
Weine: This is no laughing matter.
(The door opens and Schreck walks in laughing his head off)
(Weine gives him a dirty look)
Schreck: Oooh, sorry. You interviewing that freak again? I just heard the funniest joke down the corridor. Listen, listen, why did the chicken cross the road?
Weine: Schreck, I'm kinda in the middle of a very important interview here.
Schreck: Oh, right, sorry.
Weine: Now, Alex, you're on sixteen thousand dollars, what's your final answer? A-Yes, B-No, C-Shut up or D-Piss off?
Alex: D, definitely.
Weine: Incorrect Monsieur Browning.
Alex: Why are you calling me that? I'm not French.
Weine: Oh, I'm sorry, that's what the ticket Clerk called you at the beginning, I thought it was your name. Man, I'm a fool.
Alex: So I see...
Weine: Now, can you promise me that no-one else is going to die Alex?
Alex: (sighs) I suppose so.
Weine: Right. Well that's really all there is to say on that matter.
(Alex starts to get up)
Weine: But then we come to the little matter of you and drugs.
Alex: Drugs? Me? That's Billy that does that, not me.
Weine: I already know that. Billy was the one that grassed.
Alex: So why am I getting the blame?
Weine: (quietly) Let's just say it moved me...(loudly) TO A BIGGER HOUSE!
(Alex gives him a weird look)
Weine: Oh no. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
Alex: E-Excuse me?
Weine: Now, do you, or do you not sell heroin to kindergarten children?
Alex: What I do to make money is none of your business.
Weine: Ha! So you admit it. You admit you sold little Jimmy Taylor some rubber tubing and a syringe of what you called 'Pixie medicine'.
Alex: No. I'm not admitting that at all. Like I said, That's Billy's line of work.
Weine: And I also said, in no uncertain terms, that Billy's parents have bribed me and Billy is no longer held responsible.
Alex: Look, I just want to make a living till I graduate.
Weine: And what exactly do you do, to make a living?
Alex: I er...I...
Weine: You can't lie to me. You're under oath.
Alex: No I'm not.
Weine: Oh, well, you are now.
Alex: Look, I just play the accordion in the town centre okay?
Weine: Busking hmm? Without a licence perhaps?
Alex: Yes, without a licence. Now sue me.
Weine: I'll have none of that cheek young man.
Alex: Oh Geez. I can tell this is gonna be a long night...
Weine: Now Tell me, Luke Skywalker, if that is your real name-
Alex: It isn't. I have never once in my life referred to myself as Luke Skywalker.
Weine: (laughs to himself) Oh right yeah, I'm getting mixed up with Carter's interview.
Alex: You what?
Weine: I'm sorry. Official FBI business is not to be made public knowledge.
Alex: But it'll give me something to taunt him with.
Weine: Taunt eh?
Alex: Yes. Because he's always pissing me off.
Weine: Pissing you off, eh?
Alex: For the love of God, yes!
Weine: For the love of God eh?
Alex: What are you implying?
Weine: Tell me Alexander. You a Christian man?
Alex: Not particularly. I have my own God.
Weine: And tell me, do you think of this god as a man?
Alex: Occasionally, that's when I'm not imagining my God as Clear Rivers naked on a pool table...oops. I said too much.
Weine: And how often do you think of this God of yours?
Alex: Every day.
Weine: And he's a man, when?
Alex: Are you calling me a poof?
Weine: Well, I was, but that seems to have backfired...Now, Alex, you are free to go-
Weine: But, I have one last question to ask you.
Alex: Oh what now? I'm missing 'All my circuits'.
Weine: Have you ever, under any circumstances, got very drunk and snogged your best friend?
Alex: You have absolutely no right to ask me that.
Weine: No, you're right. I don't. But it was worth a try I guess.
Alex: But, if you want an honest answer, and this is strictly off the record-
(Weine presses record on his pocket cassette recorder)
Alex: No. I have never done that.
Weine: (disappointed) Well get the hell out of my office then. I've got absolutely nothing to hold you on.
(He opens door and walks down corridor)
Alex: (To self) (He wipes his brow) Free to go! And I got away with arson, armed robbery, drinking and driving AND fraud! Whoever said the system works?
Carter's Car Journey- What You Didn't See
Carter: So anyway, I said, 'Bring it on', yeah? And then George goes, 'All right then', and then I punched him and knocked him out.
Terry: Yeah, that sounds really interesting...
Carter: And another time, George got more praise than me from the Coach, which as you know is completely and utterly unheard of, but that doesn't matter anymore, because guess what?
Terry: (bored) He's dead.
Carter: Yeah! He's dead! And I'm not! (Turns to face her) (Patriotic) And in the end, is that not what man first dreamed of when he looked up to the stars? To live longer than the star quarterback of your high-school football team?
Terry: I'm sure it was. Now can you please get your eyes back on the road?
Carter: Nah, that's boring.
Carter: Fine then. Sheesh. (He turns back to the front) What's up with you anyway?
Terry: You promised me a photo of the plane explosion.
Carter: I lied. I didn't exactly have a camera at the time did I?
Terry: So you lied to me?
Carter: 'Untruths' Terry. They're called 'Untruths'. Lying sounds so harsh.
Terry: But that's what it is.
Carter: I wanted to make you feel better.
Terry: But that's not why I'm really upset.
Carter: What are you really upset about then?
Terry: Well, for a start there's the fact that you never even-
(Suddenly Carter turns the volume up really loud on the radio, interrupting Terry)
Carter: Ooh, ooh, this is my favourite song! Come on Terry, sing along with it! (singing) Agadoo-doo-doo, push pineapple shake the tree! Agadoo-doo-doo-
(Terry turns it down again)
Terry: Carter, I was trying to talk to you.
Carter: And I was trying to chill out. So stop being so uptight.
Terry: I'm not uptight! It's you that's being uptight, ever since the plane exploded, you've constantly been going on, and on and on-
(Carter turns up volume again)
Carter: I'm not listening! (He starts drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Then he takes his hands off the wheel and starts clicking his fingers) Woah, this is one cool song.
(Terry turns off the radio angrily)
Terry: Listen to me Carter. I'm sorry, that the football team disbanded and you never got to be captain. I'm sorry, that I've been uptight, I'm sorry that I got to be head cheerleader and everything went great for me. (Sarcastic) I'm sorry, if my perfect life gets in the way of your complicated existence!
Carter: Finally. I get some apologies.
(He spots Alex and Clear sitting outside the coffee shop.)
Carter: Right. Jerks at two o'clock. Time to be Mr. I'm-Too-Cool-To-Care again.
(He slips a tape into the cassette player. Immediately, Nine Inch Nails, Into The Void, starts playing.)
(He sees Billy on his bike)
Carter: And it looks like my inbuilt Dork-O-Meter's picking up a signal too. This is my lucky day.
Inside Carter's Car again, with Billy and Clear:
Billy: Drive the speed limit okay? Oh and, don't pass on the right.
Carter: Hey, Billy, wait a second. I'm getting another vision. You're the next one man.
Billy: Hey man, why'd you say that?
Carter: Cos if you say another word, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
Clear: Excuse me Carter, but since when are you the psychic?
Carter: Since whenever I want to be. So clam up, cos it's my way, or the highway baby.
Clear: (under her breath) Jerk.
Carter: I'm sorry, did I hear you say something?
Carter: Why don't you repeat what you just said, for the nice people.
Clear: What nice people?
Carter: The audience, stupid. The Drivers filming the shot, the crew, the directors, the producers, you know. The 'Nice people'.
Clear: I for one, do not consider Glen Morgan or James Wong to be Nice people.
(At that moment, a hole appears in Clear's Seat and she is sucked out of the car. She falls to the ground and rolls across the floor, hurt)
(Off set, Glen Morgan and James Wong smirk appreciatively.)
James Wong: And cut!
Glen Morgan: All right! Ali, you're cut. Don't bother coming back.
(Ali Larter runs up to them)
Ali A.K.A Clear: But, what about the sequel?
James Wong: Shhhhhhhhh! The audience isn't supposed to know about that you silly silly girl!
Ali: But I'm the heroine!
Glen Morgan: Doesn't matter. We'll find a way to bring Terry back from the dead.
James Wong: Great Idea Morgie!
Glen Morgan: Yeah, we can re-name the film, 'Terry Strikes Back'.
James Wong: Now, I don't say this to a lot of people, I only said it once before to James Cameron when he called the film about the Titanic, 'Titanic', but that is the most original name for a movie I have ever heard.
The Memorial Riot:
(Alex joins the queue to the memorial behind Carter and Terry)
Carter: I hope you don't think Browning, that just cos my name ain't up on this wall, that I owe you anything.
Alex: Well actually-
Carter: Because all I owe are these people, to live my life to the fullest.
Alex: About the little matter of me owing you anything-
(Carter produces a script from behind his back. he scans his finger down the page.)
Carter: Sorry, wrong line. It says here you're meant to say, 'Why don't you lay off the JD Carter?' Now say it. Glen Morgan and James Wong didn't write this so you could mess it up!
Alex: Listen, don't you ever fucking tell me what to do-
Carter: Wrong again! That's MY line! Do it properly!
(James Wong appears)
James Wong: Cut!
Glen Morgan: Just say the line Alex. We haven't got all day you know. I've already had Seann. W. Scott throwing chairs around his dressing room this morning. And do you know why? Because I forgot to refer to him as 'Your Royal Highness Seann William Scott the Great.'
James Wong: Exactly. But we aren't here to debate Seann W. Scott's arrogance are we Morgie?
Glen Morgan: I suppose not. Listen Alex, if that is your real name-
Alex: It isn't really. You know it isn't. It's Devon Edward Sawa.
Glen: (Mocking) Yes well I'm sooooo sorry Your Majesty.
Carter: Guys, guys, this is getting us nowhere. Just say the line, for god's sakes.
Alex: No. It sucks. Why would I want to say that to you?
(Carter has got a large bottle of JD out of his jacket pocket and drinks from it)
Carter: Beats me. (he puts the drink down and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand)
James Wong: Who told you you could bring Alcohol onto my set?
Carter: Oh I get it, your targeting me because of the style of my hair.
James Wong: There's nothing wrong with your hair. I designed it.
Carter: What have I done to you eh? How would you feel if I discriminated you because you were Chinese?
James Wong: I would be deeply disappointed in you. But I'm not discriminating you Carter-
Carter: You are. Everyone is. The whole world's conspiring against me!
Glen Morgan: True, but that's not what we're here to talk about. Now, Alex, enough already. Say the line.
James Wong: It's too late for that now Morgie. We'll have to skip the whole scene now. Otherwise, our ridiculously short film will become longer than the average teen horror movie, and we can't let that happen, we won't let that happen, and we CAN'T let that happen!
Carter: Wha? You mean I don't get to walk out of the shot with my hands behind my head?
James Wong: No.
Carter: But that's what I'm all about man! That's what I do! That's what makes me me! If you take away the hands behind the head thing, I'm nothing. NOTHING! I can't work under these conditions! I quit!
(Clear appears in the scene looking impatient)
Clear: Alex, there's no time for me to pause over-dramatically now, so I better say my line quick. Because of you I'm still...What was it again?
James Wong: Don't look at me. I don't learn the script you know. I just write the damn thing.
Clear: Well that's just great.
Clear: Ooooh, have you seen that movie?
Alex: I have. It sucked.
Glen Morgan: I liked that bit where they ate the dead people.
Carter: No, that's what you say. 'Alive'. Because of you I'm still Alive.
Alex: You aren't meant to thank me. You're the selfish one.
Carter: But that's not what I say, that's what Clear-
Clear: Yeah Carter. Stop changing character. You're spoiling the movie.
Carter: I give up. I really am gonna quit now. I'm famous. I'm an actor. I can get on in life without this crappy film.
Glen Morgan: But that's where you're wrong Jack McPhee. If that is your real name.
Carter: Carter Horton? Jack McPhee? Kerr Smith? Luke Skywalker? None of them are my real names. We all know I'm an alien from outer space guys. I told you all a month ago.
Alex: Yeah. And we all know that I'm a robot.
Clear: No we didn't.
James Wong: You never mentioned that at all.
Alex: Oh right. Well, just forget I said it then.
Carter: Well, half alien from outer space actually. I have magical powers. I killed a man with my friends, Max and Michael...(He laughs) Oh wait, that was Roswell.
James Wong: Yes...Now, can we please move on?
'One Of Us'.
Carter: You know sometimes, it seems like the two of you are the only ones that can really understand.
Carter: (raising his glass) To Terry.
Alex: (Also raising glass) To Tod.
Clear: (Also raising her glass) To all of our friends that can't be here.
Tod: Like me.
(Alex spins round, terrified to see his so-called dead best friend
standing next to him. He loses the power of speech)
Alex: W-w-what t-t-he?
Carter: What's wrong man?
Clear: Alex? You okay?
(They obviously can't see Tod standing there)
Tod: Sorry I was away for so long old friend. How about we road trip to
city, catch the Yanks?
Alex: (Suddenly regaining the ability to speak) Who are you? Who sent
you?! (He's going hysterical. He leaps out of his seat.)
Tod: It me, Tod, you know, your friend?
Alex: But you're dead!
Tod: Dead? Of course I'm dead you idiot. But what is 'dead', Alex?
Carter: (oblivious to the fact that Alex is seeing Tod's ghost) What the hell
is wrong with you Browning?
Clear: Alex, talk to me, what's going on?
(Alex looks at his two friends in desperation.)
Alex: Can't you, can't you see him?
Carter: See who?
Alex: Tod! Tod's right here, standing next to my table!
Clear: Er...no, he isn't.
Carter: I think we better get you back to the hotel..
Tod: I'm not alone Alex. We all came back, to take you.
Alex: (To Tod) T-t-take me?
Tod: Yes. Take you...
(Alex looks across the street, and sees the figures of Billy, Terry and Ms.
Lewton walking slowly over to him with their arms outstretched.)
Alex: Y-you're Z-z-zombies.
Clear: Alex? Alex, snap out of it!
Alex: (Looking at clear) They're Zombies Clear! Zombies! Zombies are
coming to take me and eat me!
Tod: (interrupting) Eat you? Oh no, that's disgusting. We just want to
take your brain and make you one of us.
(The figures of Ms. Lewton, Billy and Terry circle around Alex)
/Terry: (Chanting) One of us! One of us! One of us!
One of us!
The Sign Incident:
Carter: So who's next?
(The sign whacks into him. Carter flies across the street and far, far away
over the hills)
Carter: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (His voice fades away into the distance,
(Alex and Clear exchange glances)
Alex: Oh dear.
Clear: Who's gonna tell his parents?
Clear/Alex: bagsy not me!
Alex: Jinx! You can't speak until someone says your name!
Carter: (In the distance) I'm okay. I'm just very badly hurt. I think my legs
be broken, but I'll just stand up, to make sure. (Painful cracking sound)
(Alex and Clear flinch)
Carter: Yes, they are definitely broken. I am okay, I'm just in very, very
large amounts of pain. Please, could someone possibly come and help
me, or maybe throw me a bandage or any kind of medical equipment...
(Alex and Clear look at each other, and shrug)
(Alex sees a bicycle with a basket on the front. He jumps onto it and Clear
sits in the basket. They start riding off down the street)
Alex/Clear: (singing) Rain drops keep falling on my head! (etc)
After Billy's Death- What You Didn't See:
(Alex and Clear have just run off into the forest, leaving Carter with
Billy's headless Body)
(Police sirens approach. Eventually, A Car stops by the side of the road
and a policeman in Uniform gets out)
Policeman: 'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, what have we got here then?
Carter: Er...Isn't it obvious?
Policeman: That depends on what you see as obvious. It seems obvious to
me, that you're just another teenage delinquent turning to murder. But
then again, I could be wrong.
Carter: You can check the body. I haven't touched it.
Policeman: Could I have your name please?
Carter: Er...My name? My name is...Slim Shady. Yeah.
Policeman: Oh per-lease. You might as well come clean with me. I'm not
an idiot you know.
Carter: Oh fine then. My name is er...Michael...er...Jack...son.
Policeman: Right. You've got one last chance to tell the truth or I'll have
to handcuff you and beat you to death with my night-stick. But, we
wouldn't want it to come to that would we, Mr. Jackson?
Carter: All right, all right. Alex. My name's Alex Browning.
(At that second another car, this time unmarked pulls up and Agent Weine
and Schreck get out.)
Weine: Oh, it's little Luke Skywalker from the airport.
Schreck: May the force be with you.
(Carter looks embarrassed. The policeman notes something down.)
Policeman: Glad we could clear that up Mr. Skywalker.
Carter: Of course.
Weine: Oh dear. It's little Mr. Drug-Pusher, decapitated. I think I'm
Carter: Are you employed to be sarcastic?
Weine: No. I'm employed to do my job. And just lately, whenever I see
someone dead, I think of one boy's name. Alex Browning.
Carter: Alex didn't do this. Nobody did this. It was a terrible, horrible,
terrible, fantastic accident.
Schreck: Oh really? Tell me, how this terrible accident occurred, won't
Carter: It's a long story.
Weine: So what? I've got a lot of free time on my hands.
Carter: Great. (ironic)
Weine: Just tell me where the boy is.
Carter: I already told you, Alex had nothing to do with this.
Weine: Cut the crap Skywalker. He killed the teacher and he killed this
boy aswell. You're only going to end up in jail yourself if you lie for him.
Carter: I'm not lying.
Schreck: Right. I had hoped it wouldn't have to come to this.
Carter: Come to what?
Schreck: Get in the car. I think we need to have a little talk with you.
Carter: What? No! I had nothing to do with this! And what about the
body? Aren't you gonna do anything about that?
Weine: Didn't you learn anything at Jedi School? Racoons get hungry
about this time of night.
Carter: You're sick.
Weine: Mentally yes, physically no. Now do as I say. My pistol seems to
be getting an urge to shoot you. If I had a revolver, I'd say that it was
time to play a little game called, 'Russian Roulette'.
Carter: Oh per-lease.
Weine: Look Mr. Skywalker, just tell us where the little creep is, and we'll
let you off for all that time we caught you scrumping apples in old Farmer
Carter: Oh...But, I couldn't do that...could I?
Weine: How about I sweeten the deal Mr. Skywalker? I'll do whatever I
can to get Britney Spears on a date with you, and all you need to do in
return is tell me where Alex is. It's that simple.
Carter: Britney Spears eh? But what's gonna happen to Alex if I do tell
Schreck: We're going to find him, beat the crap out of him with night
sticks, then charge him with triple murder without giving him the right to
a fair trial.
Carter: Sounds pretty cushy if you ask me. How about you make him
sign a confession too?
Weine: Wow, you're good. Have you ever thought about joining the
Schreck: Yes, then the force will truly be with you.
Carter: Oh shut up.
James Wong: Right, places people, places! We need to make this plane
explosion scene as good as we can, it's costing us $3,000,000 dollars to
do this one shot. Now, remember, this is real fire people, so I want to see
(The crew behind the scenes put on some weird goggle-type things. On
set, Seann W. Scott also puts on some goggles.)
Glen Morgan: No dear, not you. You're being hideously burnt to a crisp
James Wong: But don't worry. Plastic surgery to rebuild your faces is free
to all seven main characters!
Some extra person: But what about our soon to be hideously burnt faces?
James Wong: Sorry.
Some extra person: Hey! Are you saying we're just going to mutilate
ourselves for life for this crappy excuse for a movie?
James Wong: To be honest, I was thinking of reconsidering until you got
to the 'crappy excuse for a movie' part. Places People! Come along now!
Some extra person: So, we're all going to die?
James Wong: Quite possibly. But then you really should read the small
print before you apply to be an extra shouldn't you? Now come on
People, are we ready for the shot? (To pilot) Right, start the engines and
let's blow up some plane!
The Waggner House-The Night Of Tod's Death:
Jerry: Real nice speech today son.
Tod: Thanks Dad. By the way, since I'm your only son now, am I the
Jerry: Well who else could be?
Tod: Yes! One-nil to me! I mean, er...what a terrible, terrible loss. I
loved my brother so much.
Linda Waggner: I'm sure you did. We all did.
Tod: (Under his breath) But I loved the money even more.
Jerry: What was that son?
Tod: Nothing, nothing. Um...Dad?
Jerry: Yes my favourite son?
Tod: I never did get that fifty dollars (he starts to cry)
Linda: Oh honey, don't get too upset over George darling. We're all
going to miss him very very much.
Jerry: (He reaches into his wallet and gives Tod some money) Here you
go son, have some money to make you feel better. It might buy you a
chocolate bar or something.
Tod: (suddenly cheering up) Might? My god, it'll buy be about a hundred
chocolate bars! Thankyou George for dying!
(Jerry and Linda look Shocked)
Tod: I mean, if only George were here to join in the festivities.
Linda: Now, run along son. Time for bed.
Tod: Okay dad.
Devon Sawa Gets Done- With another special appearance from James
Wong and Glen Morgan:
James Wong: Now Devon, are you going to co-operate with us or do
we have to use force?
Devon: I'm sorry but I don't see the point of all these hooded tops James.
James Wong: Don't call me James, you little prick! (A la, Father Ted) I'm
a director. You must address me as sir.
Devon: But why? Why all the hooded tops?
James Wong: That's just what Alex is about. Just like Billy to the
backwards baseball cap, Clear to the brown suede jacket, Tod to the
Devon: Look, you can go on all you want but I'm not wearing, that, that..
thing, on set. It's repulsive. Man, I'd rather die than wear that.
(An evil glint appears in James Wong's eye)
Devon: I er...actually, I take that back. Gimme the top. Now.
(James Wong smiles appreciatively, and hands the hooded top over)
(Devon puts it on)
Devon: Oh yeah, this is real cool. I really, really appreciate all you do for
me Jam- I mean, Sir.
The Death Scene
(Tod is dying. Off set, Glen Morgan and James Wong are watching and
James Wong: Oh, excellent darling, excellent!
Glen Morgan: Work the sympathy sweetie!
James Wong: Give it a bit more pain! You need to make the audience
feel the cord round their necks! I want this scene to cry out with agony! Feel the pain honey! FEEL the pain!
Glen Morgan: Yes! That's better! That really looks FANTASTIC!
James Wong: I love what you've done with your eyes! How'd you do that?
Glen Morgan: Wow, I could almost believe you were really dying!
(Ali Larter walks on set. Her mouth opens wide in shock)
Ali: Oh my God! You're killing Tod!
James Wong: (annoyed) Oh not 'her' again.
Glen Morgan: Yeah. We're not nice people, remember James?
Ali: Somebody help! He's really dying!
James Wong: Oh shut up you annoying little girl.
Glen Morgan: I don't know. Women eh?
Ali: I'm telling you, he's dying! Your actor is dying! And yet, it's strangely amusing.
James Wong: True, true.
Glen Morgan: That's why we do what we do Alison.
Ali: My name is Ali.
James Wong: Yeah. Ali Barber!
Ali: Oh, you're sooooooooo funny. Why don't you direct a comedy
James Wong: Thanks.
The Scene Where Billy Plays The Main Part- All right?
Billy: Hey Alex, I took my driver's test last week at the DMV.
Billy: I got a 70-
Alex: Who really cares? What, you just gloating on purpose cos I failed mine for the sixth time in a row?
Billy: I didn't have any idea that you'd failed your driving test...Now, where was I? Oh yeah, it was the lowest score you could get, but er, I passed.
Alex: Now you're just taking the piss.
Billy: No, but that's not it, when I was done with the test, you know the guy that like, drives with you during the test, yeah?
Billy: Well, he goes, 'Young man, you're going to die at a very young age'. Is that true?
Alex: You want an honest answer?
Alex: You want the truth?
Billy: I guess so...(uncertain)
Alex: The truth? The truth? You can't handle the truth! But, if you really wanna know, yeah.
Alex: Yeah. He's right. You're gonna die at a very young age...Like, in a week or something.
Billy: That soon huh?
Alex: That soon. Now, get out of my way, I've got to speak to Ms. Lewton.
Billy: Oh, one more thing. If I ask out Cynthia Paster, will she say no?
Alex: More than likely yes.
Billy: Well, what about Christa?
Alex: Woah, sorry, Waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of your league.
Billy: Clear Rivers?
Alex: Hey, hey, back off man! I saw her first.
Clear: Right, here's the cabin. You go in, and get some rest. I'll go home.
Alex: And that's it? You're just leaving me in this god-forsaken cabin and pissing off back to your house?
Alex: Well that's just great. Fan-bloody-tastic.
Clear: Alex, is there a problem?
Alex: Oh no, no Clear. I'm fine, I'll just freeze to death or something here and you'll be all nice and warm in your house. That's not a problem at all.
Clear: Alex, this is the only way. You know perfectly well that the FBI are looking for you. This cabin is the only safe place for you.
Alex: Oh how convenient.
Alex: It's fine Clear. Just go. I'm fine. I'm only going to end up dying here anyway...of BOREDOM.
Clear: Alex, now you're just being silly. There's plenty of fun stuff to do here.
Alex: And what's that exactly? Ooooh, ooh, can I bag a good place at the staring window? Maybe there's some kind of a view out there.
Alex: What?! You mean even that sucks?
Clear: Sadly yes. There's only one window and all you can see out of that is a brick wall.
Alex: A brick wall eh? That's not so bad.
Clear: Alex, you know that I'd let you stay in my house if I could-
Alex: No no Clear, this is practically your house isn't it? After all, it's your cabin.
Clear: I suppose you're right. Now, is there anything else you need?
Alex: A playstation, maybe?
(Clear shakes her head)
Alex: I'd settle for a megadrive?
Clear: Alex, there's no electricity.
Alex: Oh that's okay. I'll have a gameboy.
Clear: Alex, when I asked you if you needed anything, I didn't mean-
Alex: And while you're at it, a four poster bed would be nice aswell.
Clear: Alex, you're not moving in for god's sakes. You're only staying here so that the agents don't find you and arrest you.
Alex: I just want to be comfortable while I'm here. Oh yeah, and my T-shirt's ripped. Get me a new one. Medium, grey colour, you know.
Clear: Alex! You'll just have to make do for now. All I can bring you is food and drink and stuff like that.
Alex: Well what was the point in asking me then? Geez.
Clear: I'll go to the store and get you some stuff. What do you want?
Alex: Well, on Friday's I usually have roast beef with vegetables and roast potatoes, and gravy, not too lumpy, er...I usually have a light desert consisting of whipped cream and freshly picked strawberries-
Alex: They have to be freshly picked mind you, I think you might have to go to the strawberry picking place or whatever to get them, otherwise I'll just throw them at your face. Oh yeah, and champagne to drink, served in the finest crystal wine glasses. You've got to cook the food beforehand and then bring it to me on the highest quality bone china plates, and absolutely sparkling silver knives and forks. If I can't see my face in them, I'll refuse to eat.
Clear: Alex, for crying out loud-
Alex: Oh yeah, and I also like freshly grinded pepper as a light seasoning on my meals. Don't forget the serivette either.
Clear: Right. (under her breath) That's five tins of chicken spread coming up.
Alex: You can go now Jeeves
Clear: But I'm not called-
Alex: I said, you can go now Jeeves. There's no time for mindless chit-chat.
(Clear sighs and leaves the cabin.)
Mealtime (In other words, the cabin continued)
(Clear enters the cabin with a paper bag of stuff from the store)
Alex: Ah, Jeeves. Back so soon?
Clear: Alex, this has gone far enough. Stop calling me Jeeves.
Alex: Sory Jeev- I mean Clear. Did you get what I asked for?
Alex: What do you mean, 'almost'?
Clear: I could only find Chicken Spread-
Alex: But I specifically asked for roast beef and vegetables with roast potatoes and-
Clear: Alex, it's got everything you need to keep you going while you're here. So shut up and eat.
Alex: I will not!
Clear: Here you go.
(she hands over a tin. Alex refuses to take it)
Alex: What is it being presented in?
Clear: What the hell are you talking about?
Alex: Isn't there a plate for it?
Clear: Unfortunately no.
Alex: You mean, I have to eat it out of the tin?
Clear: Look, this isn't the bloody Ritz Alex.
Alex: Fine then. (He takes the tin from Clear)
Clear: Right, well I guess I'll be off then. It's time for the X-Files.
Alex: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What about me?
Clear: Tough. There isn't a TV in here.
Alex: Right, well If I can't watch the X-Files, neither can you.
Clear: What do you mean?
(Alex jumps up and leans against the door, stopping Clear from escaping)
Clear: Alex, let me go.
Alex: No way, you selfish cow.
Clear: How dare you! After all I've done for you!
Alex: (scoffing) All you've done for me? That's a bloody joke. I didn't get anything I asked for.
Alex: No. You ain't going nowhere.
Clear: I thought you loved me.
Alex: I do baby. I do. But I can't let you go off having fun If I can't.
Clear: Why not?
Alex: It's not fair.
Clear: Right then. I'll stay here.
Alex: You will? You'll stay here?
Clear: What did I just say? I'll stay here and keep you company.
Alex: Thanks. Now get me a fork or something.
Clear: Ohhhhhhhhhhh. This is going to be a long night.
Another Funny Sign Incident:
Carter: So, who's next?
Alex: What am I, the answerman?
Carter: Er...Yes, you are actually.
Alex: Hang on, I haven't got my gay little plan out yet.
Carter: Alex, who's next, for christ's sake, just give me a sign.
(Alex doesn't answer. He's digging around in his pockets.)
Carter: GIVE ME A SIGN!
(The sign whacks into him and catapults him across the street. He smacks into a building and slides down it slowly. He lands in a heap on the ground.)
(Alex walks over to him)
(Carter spins round looking angry, but surprisingly unhurt.)
Carter: For crying out loud Alex, I didn't mean it like that!
Ken Browning: How's my suitcase working out for ya?
Barbara Browning: Now son, don't speak to your father like that.
Alex: I'll speak to him however the hell I want!
Ken: What's wrong with the damn suitcase anyway?
Alex: It's not cool enough.
Ken: Cool enough? Cool enough? When I was your age I didn't even know the meaning of the word 'cool'.
Alex: Huh...Looks like you still don't.
Barbie: Alex, please, stop snapping at your father.
Barbie: Because it's not very nice. And besides, we haven't got another suitcase, so you'll just have to make do, won't you?
Alex: No. I won't. I guess I'll just not go to France.
(The phone rings)
Barbie: Oh, that'll be Jerry.
(she picks up the phone)
Barbie: Oh, hi Jerry. Yeah?...Oh, yeah, that's great. So, I'll see you tomorrow then...How are the boys? What? They burnt the chore hat? That's terrible Jerry...How are you coping without it?...I know, I know, that's really awful. Sometimes Kid's can be so cruel. Anyway, gotta go, see ya.
Barbie: Jerry said he'll pick you up at 3:30 tomorrow. (To Ken) Do you know, Jerry just told me, that his boys burnt that chore hat they had.
Alex: Yeah, we know. We heard.
Ken: That's terrible Barbara. What are they gonna do now?
Barbie: Well, he said they had a mallet in the basement...
Ken: And what about the boys? Aren't they being punished?
Barbie: Apparantly, George was grounded. Tod got off with a light beating.
Alex: A light beating huh? Pretty cushy.
Ken: Anyway son, it's 8:30pm. Time for bed.
Alex: Ohhhhhhh Dad! Do I have to?
Ken: Yeah. I've got a lot of TV to get through tonight.
Alex: But the monkeys'll get me!
Barbie: What son?
Alex: The monk- I mean, nothing. Nothing at all Mother.
Barbie: Right, well goodnight Alex. I'm sorry that the suitcase isn't cool enough, but that's all we've got.
Alex: I'm not going to bed.
Ken: Yes you bloody well are, young man. You'll do as I say. You know how the X-Files scares you when I'm trying to watch it.
Alex: But it doesn't-
Barbie: Now now son, we don't want you getting worked up before the big French trip do we?
Alex: Look, I told you, I'm not going. I wouldn't be seen dead with that stupid gay suitcase.
Ken: What the hell is wrong with it?
Alex: Er, gee, I dunno Dad. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that it's covered in stickers from 'Kiddie Land', or, I know it's a long shot, but maybe those signs saying 'Billy's Baby Burger Bar' have influenced my decision slightly.
Ken: But I thought we had fun there.
Alex: You wanna know something Dad?
Ken: I'm listening...
Alex: I hated that stupid holiday, and I wished we'd never even gone there, it sucked.
Barbie: Oh Alex, I am so disappointed in you.
At The Airport- A different version:
Carter: Woah! We get thrown off the plane and blow what? Maybe half a day in Paris? All because Browning has a bad fucking dream? (Mocking) The plane, it's gonna blow up, it's gonna blow up!
Tod: Fuck you Carter, Fuck you!
Carter: Yeah, well. I'm not gonna stand here shouting at a freak and his dorky little friend-
(Tod and Alex look at each other, feeling insulted)
Carter: -I don't know about any of you lot, but I'm going to Paris.
Alex: But Carter, the plane-
Carter: You shut up Browning. I've had enough of you for one day.
Alex: It's, It's Gone Carter.
Carter: What did I just say? Shut your trap.
Alex: Carter? Carter?
(Carter walks off down the causeway)
Alex: Carter, I don't think it's a very good idea-
(Carter turns briefly to stick his fingers up)
Alex: You know, if you go down there, you're going to-
(Suddenly something falls off the end of the causeway and lands in a heap on a luggage train at the bottom. It's Carter.)
(From the bottom, Carter leaps off the cart and shows the thumbs up sign to Terry, Billy, Clear, Tod, Alex and .)
Carter: I'm okay, I'm okay.
An alternative Train Scene:
Alex: Carter, this isn't the way, get out of the car!
Billy: It's coming, it's coming!
Carter: (Smarmily) It ain't my time.
(Blah blah, car won't start etc, etc.)
Carter: Oh shit.
Alex: Carter, for the last time, get out of the car!
Carter: (afraid to admit he can't move the car) Er...No. I'm not. I'm going to sit here and die right now.
Alex: Carter please!
(The train approaches. Little do they know a small pebble is lying on the track only a few inches from Carter's car)
Carter: I guess this is the end guys. See you in hell.
(The train gets closer)
(All four of them close their eyes waiting for the impact. The train charges at the car, but hits the pebble. The pebble causes the train to de-rail and it speeds off towards Alex, Clear and Billy, running them over and killing them. Carter on the other hand, is unhurt.)
Carter: (laughing) Oh, the irony! The irony!
The Funeral Home:
(Alex knocks on the door of the morgue place or whatever. Tod's body is lying on the table. Alex knocks again.)
Alex: Hello? Open up god damn it!
(The mortician appears out of nowhere and walks over to the door. He opens it. By the way, his name is Mr. Bludworth.)
Alex: Sorry to bother you and all but...We were doing this survey about dead people and-
Bludworth: It's okay Alex. You don't need to lie to me. I know who you are. I know why you came here.
Alex: You don't.
Bludworth: Believe what you like, but I don't see how seeing your best friend's dead body is going to help you.
Alex: Actually, neither do I. But I just figured it was worth a try.
(Clear appears through the door. She waves)
Alex: Oh, this is Clear. She's my friend.
Bludworth: Look Alex, Clear, what do you want from me?
Alex: I wanted to see Tod.
Clear: What are all those tiny marks? (she points to Tod's neck)
Bludworth: Cuticle lacerations from pulling at the wire.
Alex: Pulling at the wire? If he was pulling at the wire, he wasn't trying to kill himself. It was an accident.
Bludworth: In death, there are no accidents, no coincidences, no mishaps, and no escapes.
Alex: That's really weird. I'm sure I saw that on a video case somewhere.
Bludworth: Yes...Well...You must have been imagining things.
Clear: So, what happened? If he wasn't trying to kill himself, and it wasn't an accident, what was it? Murder?
Bludworth: Don't be stupid. What could have been the motive? That he wore the same sweater every day? (He laughs at his own gay joke)
Alex: There's no-one that wanted to kill him. No-one.
Bludworth: (sighing) Look, Alex, I hate to spoil the film and everything, but here's the design.
(He passes a piece of paper over)
Bludworth: You die in the order you would have died on the plane, it's simple. Here's another list of the ways they will die and the ways you could intervene. And here, is another list of the premonitions you will have.
Alex: So, I could save the rest of us?
Bludworth: That would be telling, wouldn't it?
If Anyone Has got any more good ideas for these scenes, please e-mail me at
Or, alternatively, if anyone has the same obsession with the film that I do, or if you have any info on the sequel, please write to me because I'm always happy to receive mail from other fans.
Thanks for reading, and it I come up with any more ideas, I'll add them.