Filler 2 part 2: Da LONGASS Matchii!

A/N: Well, not much to say here, other than 'prepare a cup of Ritsuko's special brew. Now sold for only 0.99 yen. Continuance of life not guaranteed.'

The day has come at last.

Today, the children shall fight.

"FOR HONOR!"

"FOR GLORY!"

Hey, I ain't done here!

"Sorry…", Misato said sheepishly. The group, consisting of Tatsuya, Ritsuko, Misato, Kaji, Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Toji, and Hayata are assembled outside the Tokyo 3 stadium.

"A-HEM!"

Oh, sorry. Fuyutsuki and the bridge bunnies are here too.

"A-HUM!"

Oh, right, so are Hikari, Kensuke, and the rest of the students.

"EH-HU-HUM!"

…As are the rest of the people I'm too lazy to list out.

"HEY!"

Shut up before I throw you into the intellectual recycle bin with the tentacle monsters with unlimited stamina and love juice which does women and men indiscriminately!

"EEEP!"

Well, with that done, let us follow our heroes into the locker room.

"…Does anyone know how we got here so quickly?", Asuka asked, dressed in a generic looking karate gi.

"Yeah…Last I remembered, we're still outside", Kaji said. He was standing near the entrance to the room with Misato, Ritsuko, Kensuke, Fuyutsuki, Hikari, and the bridge bunnies.

"Author physics, people. Time and space bends to his lazy will", Ritsuko answered.

"What are you people talking about?", Shinji asked as he approached them, having just finished getting into his outfit.

"Nothing, nothing. So, are you ready, Shinji?", Misato said. Shinji replied with a very powerful 'YES!' pose, not to be confused with the ordinary 'yes' pose. Don't feel too bad if you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm only 10 sure about anything in this story myself.

"…Is the commander not here?", Rei asked. She was standing between Asuka and Shinji.

"I'm afraid the commander cannot make it", Tatsuya said as he appeared from behind Shinji.

"Why not?", Shinji asked.

"Well, it seemed that he had suffered a major head trauma. His physical and mental conditions are being monitored closely as we speak", Fuyutsuki answered.

"A concussion? What happened?", Shinji asked, his brows starting to furrow.

"We can't tell, but it seemed to have been caused by a large mallet with 10t written on it. We recovered the weapon from the crime scene", Fuyutsuki answered.

"Ah…of course. The dreaded mallet of doom!", Makoto nodded.

"…You know what that thing is?", Shigeru asked.

"Of course! It's the mallet commonly used by lead females in many anime shows to whack the lead male silly, no matter how powerful the lead male is. Best examples are Tendo Akane and Kaori from City Hunter!" Kensuke expounded.

"…Do I really want to know?", Maya asked no one in particular.

"I know I don't", Ritsuko said with a shrug.

"Well, enough of that. Where's Suzuhara?", Hikari asked as her eyes went around the room.

"Right here, miss…", a calm voice answered and she and the others in the group turned towards the source.

"…To…Toji…kun…?", Shigeru said, his disbelief clearly apparent in his voice.

"Whooo…", Toji let out a low Bruce Lee-esque sound as he skipped around a portion of the room, chest bared.

"Uh…To, Toji…buddy?", Kensuke called out.

"WHAAATAAA!", Toji yelled as he threw a side snap kick towards Kensuke's face. The wind generated by the speed of the kick and the resulting shock was enough to make the latter lose consciousness and fall over backwards, foams spewing out of the lips.

"Toji! Look what you did to Kensuke! What's wrong with you?!", Hikari yelled as she quickly bent down to tend to the fainted boy.

"Toji? Who is this Toji you speak of?", Toji(?) asked.

"You! Who else could it be?", Hikari asked back.

"Me? I am afraid you are mistaken, miss. My name is Suzuhara. Suzuhara Kenshiro!", Toji replied, and was met with stunned silence.

"Suzuhara…Kenshiro…?", Misato asked with a nervous half-smile, as dumbfounded as everybody else in the room.

"Indeed! I am Suzuhara Kenshiro! I travel the wastelands in order to search for my beloved!", Toji replied with a fiery disposition not unlike Shinji's.

"…Your beloved?", Shigeru asked, and immediately regrets his decision.

"Yes! WAIT FOR ME, YURIA! I SHALL SAVE YOU FROM KING'S EVIL CLUTCHES!", Toji screamed his reply, which caused people in the nearby vicinity to close their ears with their hands.

"…Uh…who is Yuria?", Maya asked.

"What?! You do not know who Yuria is? Could it be…that Yuria…is dead?!", Toji said.

"Uh…that's not what I meant…", Maya said hesitantly.

"No…It can't be! YYYUUUUUUUURRRIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", Toji screamed at the top of his lungs, and stopped only to inhale. This one was actually close to Shinji's volume.

"GOD! Someone stop him!", Fuyutsuki yelled as he clutched his ears in pain.

"YYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", Toji shouts again.

"…Why do I get the feeling that we have done this before?", Ritsuko asked, a very thick ear muffler placed securely over her ears.

"Well, we have done this joke a few times prior to this chapter with Shinji…", Misato replied, a pair of earplugs stuck in her ears.

It's a wonder how they are able to talk with stuffed ears, and I shall leave that as a plot hole for you to fill in.

"YYYYYYUUUUUUUUU-mmpppphhhhhhhh!", Toji was stopped in mid-scream by a hand belonging to Asuka.

"SHUT UP ALREADY, ASSHOLE! Who the hell is Yuria, anyway?", Asuka yelled as she held onto Toji's lips with both hands.

"I…believe that is a character from Hokuto no Ken…", Makoto answered as he tried to clear the ringing in his ears.

"Can anyone explain what is going on here? I can understand him trying to emulate Bruce Lee, but Kenshiro…?", Kaji asked.

"Well, it seemed to me and Shinji that Suzuhara here has put himself in a state of self-hypnosis", Tatsuya answered, his arms crossed in front of him.

"…So…he thinks he's Kasumi Kenshiro?", Misato asked, turning to face him. Tatsuya just nodded his reply.

"Well, I don't care about all that! Make him stop screaming already!", Asuka yelled as she desperately tried to restrain Toji. Of course, like any good hero, ours stepped to the rescue.

"Calm down, Suzuhara! Win the tournament and you shall find her!", Shinji roared as his eyes looked straight into Toji's. After the former said that, the latter calmed down considerably, and Asuka let go with a huge sigh of annoyance and relief. "Good. Now, Suzuhara, Asuka, Rei, Hayata, let's get ready", Shinji ordered.

"Alright, alright, let's just get this over with quickly…", Asuka replied, throwing her arms nonchalantly in slight annoyance.

"Yes, Shinji", Rei replied in her usual monotone.

"Ossu!", Hayata roared with a smile.

"Yuria…", Toji muttered softly.

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to leave us now, people. But do not worry, you all get front row seats for the upcoming matches", Tatsuya said as he ushered them out of the room and turned back to prepare his students for the first match.

The hall was filled with various buzzes from the myriad of conversations going on in the stands. Most speculated about the winners. Others speculated about how much money they can make betting on said winners. Yet others speculated about how they can get money off the people speculating about said winners and losers. Yet others…you get the idea.

The NERV group was sitting right in the front row of the 10th ring, where the NERV group's initial match was to take place. They, too, had their own predictions, but they, as well as the entire hall, were silent as the first team made its way to the center of the large hall, their team flag, held aloft by a stout boy in black school uniform, announcing them to be the representatives of the Kanto region of middle school athletes, with the teachers and managers trailing behind them. In that fashion, the teams filed out one by one.

Notable among them was a group of 5 small boys who seemed to have the ability to walk without moving their feet.

Soon, it was our heroes' turn.

Shinji led them by walking at the very front, his gaze steadily trained in front of him. He, as well as the others, were wearing weathered karate gis. Rei and Asuka wore a shirt under theirs while Shinji, Hayata, and Toji had nothing else underneath other than a pair of briefs…and boxers. Behind them, holding the team flag aloft in one muscular hand, was Mugen Tatsuya.

After the opening speech by the current head of martial arts administrations was done, the fighters went to their respective rings. The NERV team took their position on one of the rings close to the corner of the building. Their supporters, mostly people from NERV, sat in a line on one side of the ring. Ritsuko, Misato, and Kaji were among the people sitting in front.

"All right…here we are at last. Are you people ready?", Tatsuya asked once Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Hayata, and Toji sat down on one edge of the ring.

"Ossu!", Shinji and Hayata affirmed together.

"Yeah, yeah, let's get this over and done with so I can get on with my life", Asuka sighed.

"I am ready", Rei said.

"…Yuria…wait for me…", Toji muttered.

"…Well, I'll take that a yes. Do your best and win!", Tatsuya said and walked down from the ring.

"So…who's our opponent?", Hayata asked.

"That would be…", Shinji replied and checked a list in his right hand. "…The Hokkaido 12th division international sumo athletes", he read it out loud.

"Wait…sumo?", Asuka turned to face him in slight shock.

"Yes…and that would be them", Shinji replied as the ground beneath them began to shake rhythmically, increasing in magnitude as the sounds of extremely heavy footsteps closed in on their position.

"DOSHKOI!", the men responsible for those steps shouted as they reached the ring, lifted one foot high, and slammed them down as they bent to a half-squat. Shinji could feel himself being elevated a few inches into the air along with his team members and landing back down without changing position at all.

"…Please tell me God is kidding…", Asuka muttered as 6 sumo wrestlers sat across them on the opposite side of the ring. They were of average height, but definitely not of average weight and girth. Each one of them was easily twice the size of any of the NERV fighters. One of them leered at Asuka and Rei, drool dripping from his face.

"…I am starting to feel uncomfortable", Rei stated as the fighter across her continued leering.

"Do not worry. I am certain we can achieve victory", Shinji said with a calm, knowing smile and turned to look at Toji. "Suzuhara, you'll be our opener", he said. Toji just nodded and stepped to the starting position in the ring as soon as the referee calls out the first fighters. His opponent looked at him smugly, certain he can win in a matter of seconds.

"Ready?", the referee asked Toji, and got a nod. "Ready?", the referee asked his opponent, and got a smug nod. "OK, FIGHT!", the referee shouted and jumped back.

"DOSHKOI!", the sumo wrestler, whom I shall not bother naming, immediately dropped into his half-squat and launched himself forward, going straight for Toji with 200+ kg of fat and muscle. Sumo guy number one was almost upon him when Toji seemed to suddenly disappear and he felt sudden sting on his left cheek.

"Slow…", Toji said from his left, having smoothly sidestepped and launched a very quick snapping jab at the wrestler's cheek. The latter quickly got into position after a moment of stunned silence and launched himself at Toji again, this time with numerous palm attacks. Think E. Honda, but with 2 hands.

"A-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA!", Toji shouts as his fists flew forward and intercepted all the palm strikes the sumo fighter launched. After a minute of this, the latter drew back to catch a breath, and Toji did not waste this chance. "WHA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TAH!", he shouts once again as numerous punches landed all over the sumo wrestler's upper torso, most of them landing around the face. After another minute of this, he turned around and started walking back to his seat.

"H, hey, wait! The match is not over yet!", the referee called out to him.

"It is", Shinji answered for Toji.

"Wha-", the referee began again, but was immediately cut off.

"He is already dead", Toji answered with closed eyes as he resumed his seat. Behind him, his opponent's nose suddenly blew out a red stream of blood, his eyes white in their sockets as he fell thunderously to the mat.

"…Oookaaayyy…NERV team wins the first round. Get the next one up here", the referee said as the fallen (and extremely heavy) fighter was dragged out of the ring by ten men.

"You're next, Hayata", Shinji said.

"Ossu!", Hayata answered and stepped into the ring, followed by another generic sumo fighter.

"OK. Ready? Ready? Fight!", the referee asked, not really bothering to confirm the fighter's answers, and stepped out of the way. He was bored. For no reason other than to speed this thing up.

…It has been long enough, people.

"DOSHKOI!", the sumo wrestler, just like the one before him, decided that the best offense is to charge blindly into the battle with palms thrusting in front of him. Hayata sighed and quickly sidestepped to his right to avoid the charge.

"Don't you guys ever learn?", he muttered softly as his right hand grabbed his opponent's waistcloth and pulled back using his entire body, sending the wrestler tumbling as his momentum, combined with the pull, threw him off balance and teetering at the edge of the ring. Hayata did not realize, however, that our good(?) doctor Ritsuko was sitting right where the sumo wrestler was about to land.

"Oh, shit…", Ritsuko muttered softly as the huge man loomed over her, ready to let gravity do its work. She closed her eyes and put her hands up in an attempt to brace herself for the impact that was about to come as the people around her started scrambling for safety. It never came, however. What did come was a large booming sound, as if a 200kg+ piece of meat had just slammed to the ground… and a sickening thud and groan, as if 3 fleshy things had just received the full brunt of that fall.

"Well, I say! That was pretty close!", she heard, and opened her eyes to see Tatsuya crouched on the ground, the wrestler somewhere to his right where he had thrown him.

"Uh…thank you…", Ritsuko said tentatively, not really believing what had just happened.

"Don't worry about it! Can't have Shinji's caretakers injured now, can we?", Tatsuya answered and walked away.

"…Help…", a small voice, presumably a short-haired female NERV employee, squeaked from underneath the wrestler. It appears that Tatsuya had not bothered to check where the sumo wrestler was going to land after he was thrown, and had thrown him right on top of 3 persons.

"…please…", another voice, perhaps a bespectacled male NERV employee, chorused.

"…I'm dying…", yet another, perhaps the long haired one's, chirped in to no great effect.

"Not bad, Hayata", Shinji said as Hayata returned to his seat.

"That's not a victory, however", Hayata answered flatly.

"Interference from outside party! No contest!", the referee shouted and waved both hands above his head.

"…Well, it does not matter. It's only the 2nd fight out of 5, after all", Shinji sighed lightly and crossed his hands.

"If you say so. Who's next?", Hayata asked.

"Go, Soryu! For great justice!", Shinji called out in reply. The person he mentioned looked incredulously back at him with a finger pointing at herself. He nodded. She grumbled and stepped towards the ring.

"All right. Which idiot's gonna fight me now?", Asuka challenged. A generic sumo fighter lumbered over to the starting position with a leer on his face, and the match began.

"DOSHKOI!", the sumo fighter yelled and charged forward, bent low just like the others before him. Asuka easily avoided this by jumping up into a flip and kicked…shoved the sumoist's butt when she landed. He went hurtling in the direction he was going and rushed right off the ring, landing right on top of the previous one, and another squeak was heard.

"Ring out! NERV team wins!", the referee announced and Asuka walked back to her seat with a triumphant smile and a raised right fist.

"…Well, that was fast…", Misato commented, incredulous.

"Well, if you have seen one generic, made-for-cannon-fodder-character attack, you've seen them all", Ritsuko said. Kaji nodded sagely behind her.

"Good job, Soryu! Rei, you're next!", Shinji said as Asuka sat down.

For lack of diligence, the proceeding dialogue from the referee and Rei's entry into the ring shall be omitted.

"…Lazy author", Ritsuko said under her breath, and an ACME anvil promptly fell on her head.

"DOSHKOI!", the next one yelled, much like the one before him, and the one before that, and the one before that, and…you get the idea. Also much like the one before him, he charged towards Rei with no tactical consideration whatsoever. Rei promptly sidestepped and stuck her left foot out. Like the one before him, this sumo wrestler quickly found himself outside of the ring and -guess what- right on top of the previous wrestler, who was right on top of the previous one, who was right on top of Makoto, Shigeru, and Maya.

"…oooohhhhh…", one of them whimpered. It was impossible to tell who. Or maybe it was all of them.

"ALL RIGHT NOW! TIME FOR THE MATCH THAT PITS CAPTAIN AGAINST CAPTAIN!", a loud voice suddenly boomed from the speakers around the ring.

"Hey! What the hell?! How come only the shonen stereotype gets an announcer?!", Asuka yelled, almost standing up.

"Well, he's supposed to be the hero of this fiction, it's only natural he gets the good bits", Misato observed from right behind her.

"What?! I'm gonna sue that author for discrimination!", the former yelled again.

"Forget it. It's said in fine print on our contracts that we can never take any kind of legal action against him", Ritsuko said calmly, still rubbing her aching head.

"I never saw that in the fine print!", Asuka protested, turning towards the doctor.

"Very, very, very fine print…", Ritsuko answered and showed her a contract paper with 'the contracted, thereafter referred to subject A, which is not to be confused with subjects K, L, or U, shall never take any legal action against the author on any and all basis' written in letterings smaller than the dot you see at the end of this sentence.

On a totally unrelated note, Shinji had untied his shoulder-length hair and is now trying to tie it into a chonmage.

"Can someone help me hold my hair in place for a while?", Shinji asked through clenched teeth, which were holding a piece of string used to tie his ponytail.

"Allow me", Hayata said and held the long strands of hair on top of Shinji's head while the latter ties it up. He was done in a few seconds.

For a moment, Asuka was silent as Shinji dramatically stood up together with his opponent, Wile E. Honda, considerably more massive than the other sumo wrestlers. A moment later, she found her voice, and the others in the audience lost their hearing.

"DIESER GOTTVERDAMMTE MUTTERFICKENDE SOHN EINES UNEHELICHEN ARSCHLOCHES!", she yelled.

"Well, that's one way to put it", Ritsuko sighed.

"Quiet, people. They're gonna start", Fuyutsuki said, relishing his 10 seconds of fame where people will actually follow his order in this fic.

In the ring, Wile E. Honda squats, legs wide apart. He lifted his right foot and slammed it down onto the ring floor. A very loud boom resonated in the hall, thanks to over 400 pounds of weight suddenly dropping to the ring floor.

Those in a 100 meter radius could feel themselves floating up briefly and settling back down to the ground.

Shinji grinned confidently, took off his gi, and threw it aside. It was caught by Rei, who automatically started folding it. He raised his right foot up until both legs were nearly in a vertical straight line, and slammed it down to the tatami as he got into the same squatting position as his opponent.

There was no shockwave, but a very loud crack could be heard from where the soles of his right foot hit the mat.

For some unexplainable reason, the ring is now circular and the edges are made of straw ditches. Also, sumo rules are to be used for this fight. No need to worry, this will all go back to 'normal' once the fight is over. Not like you'd care, would you?

"MIATTE!", the referee, now clad in a kimono with a ridiculous headdress that was supposed to look like a sumo referee's but ended up looking like a banjo stuck to his head, shouted, a traditional sumo fan raised above his head.

Shinji and his opponent lowered their torso and hands, clenched in a relaxed fist, until they were nearly touching the floor.

"HAKKEYOI! NOKKOTA!", the referee shouted and stepped out of the way as both Shinji and his opponent rushed forward at the same time.

Honda threw out an enormous left palm at Shinji's face, which the latter quickly dodged and he struck out with his right palm at his opponent's throat, using his feet as a springboard to propel his palm to incredible speeds. Honda ducked, moving his entire body to the side as he did so, and Shinji missed.

Now too close to trade blows, they rammed their shoulders into each other. Shinji quickly wrapped his fingers over Honda's waistcloth while Honda wrapped his enormous hands over Shinji's small black belt. Not wasting a breath, Honda quickly pulled Shinji by twisting his entire body to his right, his left foot reaping Shinji at the waist, throwing Shinji's entire body over his left leg.

The audience's eyes widened (except for Asuka, who was busy cursing me, and Rei) as Shinji quickly flipped and landed both feet on the ground. Honda had to let go of Shinji's belt in order to prevent his right arm from being twisted. Shinji quickly ducked under Honda's still-raised left leg and leapt to the far corner of the ring.

He stood near the edge, body lowered in anticipation of another attack.

"Come on, Shinji! You can do it!", Misato yelled, her hands cupped beside her lips. I've got 10000 yen riding on you was what she did not say.

"Come on, Honda! You can do it!", Kaji yelled, and everyone from NERV snapped their heads to look at him. "What?! I've got 10000 yen riding on him!", he said just before Misato's right fist slammed into his balls, almost on autopilot. "Urk….not…again…", he whimpered and slowly slumped to the ground.

Meanwhile, Honda had charged his way to Shinji and grabbed his belt again. Like before, he pulled, to his left this time.

Shinji followed the motion and instead of flipping over the leg, he sailed right past it before his right hand grabbed the left side of Honda's waistcloth and he quickly regained his footing, placing his legs apart, his body ready to follow in its motions. Tatsuya, who had been watching intently, suddenly widened his eyes.

"Good, Shinji! NOW! PULL!", he yelled.

"OOOORRYYAAAAAAA!", Shinji roared in response and pulled for all he's worth, both feet planted firmly on the ground. The muscles in his entire body suddenly tightened, increasing their size and definition as they worked on bringing the behemoth down.

Still unbalanced, Honda could not resist when he was suddenly and powerfully pulled to his left. His left leg moved forward in an attempt to regain his footing, but Shinji kept pulling, and eventually pushing, as hard as he could.

Unable to get his foot down, Honda was flung outside the ring, landing on top of his downed teammates and our beloved bridge bunnies.

'Oh holy shit!' were their final thoughts before sweet unconsciousness (and a severe crushing sensation) overtook them.

"WINNER! IKARI SHINJI OF NERV!", the referee announced, the fan pointing to where the NERV team sat.

The NERV staff, excepting Asuka, who was still cursing, clapped and cheered at the victory. Shinji, meanwhile had squat down, feet wide apart, and was doing the sumo victory pose…whatever that is.

"Well, well…I had no idea Shinji practiced sumo as well", Ritsuko commented, smiling her usual nonchalant smile. (Did she smile like that in the previous chapters? Ah, what the hell. She does now.)

"It's not in his usual curriculum, but Mugen-ryu practitioners are expected to know at least the basics of other martial arts", Tatsuya replied, smiling confidently.

"SHINJI!", Misato yelled and ran over to Shinji, who had put his gi back on, still unfastened, and returned his chonmage to his usual ponytail. The others of his team had stood up in preparation for the debriefing, I mean, end-of-match…let's just go with debriefing. She quickly grabbed his hands and shook them up and down. "YOU DID IT! I AM TEN THOUSAND YEN RICHER! YIPPEEEEEEE!", she cheered and ran off to get her money.

"Uh…thank…you?", Shinji said to his superior's fast disappearing back.

"Hey, Mr. Invincible, get up here!", Asuka yelled at him.

"Oh, right! Just a second!", he replied and quickly tucked in his gi as he strode to take his place in the NERV line. The sumo wrestlers stood opposite them, mostly unharmed except for one with a bleeding nose and one with a sore butt. The same cannot be said for the people who broke their fall, who were currently being carried out of the great hall in 3 stretchers.

The next scene is supposed to contain some dramatic(corny) moments, but keeping in mind that this 'filler is already 2/3rd of the way to breaking my record, once again, we'll skip that.

Besides, I'm starting to get some gas here.

Instead, let us turn to some cameo appearances.

"Hey, fat ass, it's our turn", a short boy wearing a gi and a green hat, looking strangely cut-out with abnormally big head and short limbs, said to the boy beside him, also looking strangely cut-out.

"'Ey! Stop calling me fat, you jew! I'm not fat! I'm big boned!", the fat, I mean, big boned, boy he talked to retorted.

"Yeah, sure, fat ass. Whose turn is it?", another boy in a blue hat asked with a shrug.

"I said, I'm BIG BONED! Kenny goes first, by the way", the fat boy answered and pointed to another boy in a gi and orange hood.

"Hmmm?! Whmhhmm?!", Kenny said, which meant, 'What?! Why me?!'.

"You're the one with the hood, Kenny. You have better protection than most of us", the fat boy said.

"Cartman, that does not make any sense", the boy in the blue hat frowned.

"Shut up, Stan. Of course it does", Cartman answered.

"No, it doesn't!", the boy in green hat said.

"How so, Kyle?", Cartman asked.

"Well, what kind of protection is fur gonna be against a blow to the head?!", Kyle asked back.

"Well, we ain't got no choice, you stupid jew! You think Butter's gonna last 5 seconds against that?!", Cartman shouted, pointing at another boy, blonde, in a gi, smiling at them and waving ("Uh-Hi, guys!") and their opponent, 200 pounds of pure muscle. Literally. It's even got a label that read 'pure muscle, literally'.

"Well, no, but what makes you think Kenny's got a chance?", Stan asked accusingly.

"Hhhhhhhhh (Yeah!)!", Kenny followed, and Cartman seemed to think for a minute, operative word being 'seemed'.

"Well, his fur hood contains air, right? And contained air cushion. Therefore, Kenny is better protected than the rest of us", Cartman said.

"That still does not make sense, fat ass", Stan said, frowning.

"Oh, all right, then. Would you like to go first, Stan? Or perhaps you, Kyle?", Cartman shrugged, and the ones he spoke to looked at each other for a while.

"OK, Kenny. You go first", Stan said.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?! (WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAT?!)", Kenny yelled.

"Well, we got lots of spare yous back in Southpark. No one will be too sad to see you die for the 300th time coz' we know there's many more where that came from anyway", Kyle said.

"Hhhh, whhh ffhh hhhrhhhh mh hhpp, dhhwdd (Oh, way to cheer me up, dickwad)!", Kenny mumbled, but went into the ring anyways.

Almost immediately, a large foot came down on him and squished him like a little bug. The children gaped for a while.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!", Stan yelled.

"You bastards!", Kyle followed.

"Goddamit!", Cartman cursed, and Butters quickly filled out the withdrawal form as rats gathered around the pool of blood that used to be Kenny.

O, Kenny boy

The rats, the ratsare cooomiiing

"So, who's our next opponent?", Shinji asked. He was holding an onigiri in his right hand, which he promptly stuffed into his mouth. The team was taking a break in one of the hallways of the building after winning 4 of their matches.

"According to the schedule, we're going up against…Crimson Roses?", Hayata said and took a bite of the onigiri he was holding in his left hand. His right was holding the schedule for the matches.

"What kind of stupid people call themselves Crimson Roses?", Asuka asked in between bites.

"Perhaps they are so strong that they do not care about names at all and chose one at random using a random name generator they downloaded from the internet", Rei answered softly, her hands busy in her lap making a ball of rice with raw salmon slices inside. Asuka stared as she finished, handed the onigiri over to Toji, and immediately fished her hands into the rice cooker for more.

The rice and ingredients had been brought by Hikari. Misato was going to do it, but everyone ruled her out on grounds that anything she prepares is highly likely to be detrimental to the fighters in some way or another.

After all, she has turned a cup ramen (add hot water, cover and leave for 1 minute, enjoy) into a biological weapon before, with methods the gods deem to horrible for the ordinary human eyes to even read.

There is cause for worry.

"Right. What are the odds of that?", Asuka said and rolled her eyes.

"Why don't we ask them ourselves?", Toji said coolly and motioned with his head towards a group of strangers approaching them.

The one leading them was an impossibly handsome and slender man. His sunny blonde hair was straight and flows down his back like a waterfall. His porcelain face was incredibly fair and free of any mark. His eyes were crystal blue, like the sky. He was taller than any of the children, that is for sure. Each step he took was carefully measured to exude beauty.

Now, if you can't stand reading that as much as I can't stand writing it (shudder), here's a short description: bishonen.

Then one behind him was another young man, also impossibly handsome and slender, but in a much darker way. He had shorter, spikier black hair. His eyes were red, like the angry fires of hell, but also sad and dark like the night. Don't ask me how those get mixed together. His mouth was a perpetual scowl and his entire body posture just screams 'badass walking, get outta the way or I'll kill you, or cry and be angsty if I can't, whichever works'.

That one is the 'dark, brooding, angsty, emo-powered boy', a.k.a. what Shinji was before he got into this story.

The one beside him was a young woman, looking just like the girl next door, but with several differences. One, her muscles are well-defined, small as they may be, and are strong enough to break down doors with one blow, weak as they may look. Two, her eyes were holds a lot more fire than any other 'girl-next-door', which seems to imply unlimited potential, confidence and genius. Three, her short hair, believe it or not, was green. Yes, green.

This one is simply known as 'Mary Sue v1.0'.

The one beside her was another young woman of impossible beauty with abilities similar to the first one, slightly enhanced. Differences are: Her hair is impossibly long. Only Rapunzel can hope to compete with her. Two, she is very knowledgeable about cosmetics, evidenced by the things she put on her face to accentuate her beauty. Three, her assets (you know what I mean) are bigger. Like the one before her, she is also good at combat, in ways that does not make any sense in any other fiction other than this one.

We shall call this 'Mary Sue v2.0'

The one behind them was another handsome man with medium-length platinum hair. This one wearing glasses which was supposed to detract from the handsomeness, but enhanced it instead. He wears a knowing smile which seems to say that he knows everything there is to know about everything. In spite of looking like a guy who uses his brains more than his brawns, he possesses a very athletic and well-trained body which, combined with good reflexes and confidence, makes him nigh unbeatable in combat. Plus some other energy manipulating thingies that are nigh impossible to explain away.

This one is 'Gary Stu'.

"Good afternoon. You are the NERV team, correct?", The bishonen greets them.

"Indeed we are. You are the Crimson Roses, I presume?", Shinji greets back, standing up and dusting himself off as he did so.

"That's us. My name is Jerry McCorman", the bishonen answered and offered his hand. Shinji took it. Almost immediately, he could feel Jerry's hand trying to crush his.

"…Nice to meet you, Jerry", Shinji said, his grip being maintained at a level that would offer enough resistance without crushing the other man's hand. The handshake match went on for 30 seconds before Jerry finally relaxed his hand and Shinji released it.

"Well, it's nice to meet you too. Let me introduce you to my teammates. This is Arlock Strayvinsen", Jerry said and gestured towards the emo kid, who simply huffed in frustration.

"Annie Smith", he gestured to Mary Sue v1.0, who waved back cheerfully.

"Opelia Wisconsin", he gestured to Mary Sue v2.0, who bowed demurely.

"And Seth Neilson", he gestured to the Gary Stu, who just looked at them all knowingly.

"Hold on a second here…", Asuka said. "Is any one of you even remotely Japanese?", she asked.

"Why, yes. All of us has at least one Japanese ancestor somewhere in our family tree. In fact, my mother is Japanese", Jerry answered.

"So is mine!", Annie followed.

"And mine", Seth followed.

"My father is Japanese", Opelia said.

"…My great grandma was raped by a Japanese soldier and gave birth to my no-good banker granddad, who married a chica and gave birth to my even worse drunkard of a stingy father", Arlock retorted.

"…O…kay…too much information", Hayata said.

"…And I hate loudmouthed German redheads", Arlock continued, and Asuka immediately sprang up.

"WHAT WAS THAT, ASSHOLE?!", she yelled. Her fists swung out to hit Arlock, but she was being held firmly in place by Shinji.

"You heard me. I HATE YOU!", Arlock yelled back and stormed away. A few seconds later, he could be heard bawling in the hallway.

"Is he going to be OK?", Hayata asked.

"Oh, don't worry. He always gets like this around new people. First he gets mad, then he gets all angsty and cries, then he starts forming a more positive view of the new person in his life, and his life in general, after he/she/it does something good to him repeatedly, then he gets moody again once the person gets familiar enough to be boring, and the cycle repeats itself over and over and over", Annie answered.

"…Wow…", Hayata remarked.

"Tell me about it", Annie sighed with a smile. "Well, we gotta get ready for the match. See you then!", she said cheerfully and proceeded to leave, followed with the rest of the Crimson Roses.

"…That was one messed up individual", Hayata said after they were gone.

"Damn straight! I'm gonna kill that crybaby!", Asuka retorted after Shinji released her.

"Well, I get the feeling the next match will be pretty interesting", Shinji shrugged.

"That does not matter. All we need to do is win", Toji said as he finished eating his onigiri.

"Of course, my friend! Let's go get ready, shall we?", Shinji answered brusquely.

"Hell yeah! Can't wait to punch that bastard's face in", Asuka replied.

"…Our nutrient intake processes are complete. I believe we are ready", Rei reported calmly as she finished packing all their utilities and threw the rubbish into a bin near them.

"Very well, then! Onward!", Shinji said energetically and led them towards the great hall once again.

All right, people. Sorry to drag you through all that Stu and Sue crap.

Fear not, however, for they are not going to be integral to this fiction.

Remember.

It's filler.

No matter how long it is.

Oh, and, if you hate Mary Sues, Gary Stus, and Emo kids, or love the laws of physics, you might wanna skip the next round of battles.

It did not take long for the NERV team and the Crimson Roses to find their way into the great hall, get to their arena, and sit on opposite sides of the ring. Mainly because the author is too lazy to write about them walking around until they get here. In the spectator seats, Kaji could be seen refusing another bet with Misato. The damage done to his balls is enough to last through this chapter.

"First match! Gou Hayata versus Jerry McCorman!", the announcer's voice boomed through that part of the hall.

Hayata quickly stood up and walked to the center of the ring amid cheers coming from the NERV staff.

"Good luck, friend!", Shinji said and Hayata responds by raising his right fist.

Jerry did the same, this time amid the cheers of every female in a 1 mile radius, and some sexually confused males. The females included Horaki and Misato.

"JERRY!JERRY!JERRY!JERRY!JERRY!", the crowds chanted, and Jerry took a moment to wave to them, leaving Hayata to ensure his gi and belt are secured properly. Jerry's was a lot more form fitting.

"Forgive my fans. They simply cannot resist my beautiful allure", Jerry said as he turned to look at Hayata.

"Don't worry about it. More time for me to get ready", Hayata replied as his feet tested the mat's roughness.

"All right. Ready?", the referee asked and turned to Hayata, who nodded curtly as he lowered himself into his usual judo fighting stance. "Ready?", he asked Jerry, who did a flourish, a spin, and a bow before settling into a high stance with his right foot in front and both hands raised in front of him. "FIGHT!", the referee yelled and immediately stepped away.

Jerry immediately snapped his right foot towards Hayata's chin. Hayata quickly stepped backwards and the kick missed completely. Before Hayata could react further, however, Jerry's foot seemed to suddenly grow larger in his vision as Jerry stopped his foot just in front of Hayata's face and quickly drove forward.

Hayata ducked, and the foot hit his forehead. He quickly took a few steps backwards to lessen the impact and stood in his ready position.

"How rough! I expected more beauty out of you", Jerry taunted before hopping forward with a left jab. Hayata quickly intercepted it and grabbed the gi.

Before he could do anything else, however, he could feel the sleeve he grabbed suddenly pulling down. A second later, he could feel a sharp pain on top of his head and he stumbled to the ground. To his credit, he did not go to his knees.

Jerry smiled confidently, his right foot high above his head. He had lowered his torso the moment Hayata grabbed his sleeve and thrown his right leg behind him with such force and flexibility that it went right over his head and struck the top Hayata's head with the toes.

"Allow me to introduce you to my scorpion's tail", Jerry said to Hayata, who was still doubled over, and quickly whipped his leg forward in a smooth arc, intending to hit Hayata in the chest. Unable to do much, Hayata braced himself for impact, his forearms raised in front of his chest. The kick sent him flying a few meters backwards, but he quickly regained his footing.

Meanwhile, Jerry's supporters broke into raucous cheers, with some fainting on the spot, while the others, mostly males and females who are jealous of Jerry's beauty, urged Hayata to rise and show the former who's the man.

"…Scorpion, eh? Not bad…that actually hurts", Hayata mumbled as he got into his fighting stance again, this time lower than his usual stances.

"Come now! Have a taste of my beautiful scorpion!", Jerry exclaimed confidently and changed his stance. His right foot went up behind and above his head while his torso was lowered to the point where it was parallel to the ground, his hands forming a large open circle around his head. His left leg, supporting the bizarre structure, was perfectly straight.

Hayata smiled heatedly and dashed forward, body low to the ground.

"Useless!", Jerry exclaimed and once again whipped his right leg forward to kick at Hayata.

"SHUWATCH!", Hayata yelled as the kick connected and his body was thrown upwards along with the leg's movement.

'I have you', Jerry thought as his right leg continued its arc upwards.

It was only a second later that he realized his mistake.

Hayata had jumped up the moment Jerry's leg hit him, greatly reducing the impact. Not only that, he had grabbed Jerry's right pants' sleeve and used the momentum to launch himself upwards. He was now at the apex, and soon, he will sail towards Jerry's back and drop behind him, Jerry's right leg still in his hands.

Jerry's expression of confidence turned to surprise and helpless horror as he realized his mistake.

Hayata's left arm quickly encircled Jerry's neck as he dropped behind the latter, and his legs coiled around Jerry's waist like a pair of powerful snakes. His right hand encircled Jerry's right knee as his right hand grabbed his left sleeve and his left grabbed his right. Both arms formed a triangle around Jerry's neck and squeezed.

Unable to bear their combined weight with his left leg alone, Jerry tumbled backwards and both of them crashed to the tatami. Hayata continued to squeeze, burning determination in his eyes, while Jerry, consciousness slipping, struggled to get himself free.

Meanwhile, Jerry's fans started to become hysterical as their idol stood…well, lie, on the verge of defeat.

It was over in 5 seconds. The referee stopped the fight when he saw that Jerry had lost consciousness and held Hayata's right hand high above his head to acknowledge his victory.

There was a loud, high pitched, incredibly fan-girly, medley of hundreds of voices shrieking together and, seconds later, complete silence as they faint, together. The initial shriek had drowned out any sound of cheers for Hayata and the referee's decision, but they returned full force as soon as it stopped.

"Not bad, Judo-boy!", Asuka exclaimed loudly with a raised fist.

"Thanks. That was pretty close, don't you think?", Hayata replied as he sat down.

"Indeed. How is your head?", Shinji asked.

"I'll be fine", Hayata answered and began nursing the bump on his head.

"Next match! Soryu Asuka Langley versus Annie Smith", the announcer…announced…dammit, I really need a thesaurus.

"All right! My turn!", Asuka heatedly said as she stood up, cracking her knuckles as she walked to the center of the ring. She was met with applause from everyone but the guys in the NERV group, excepting Kensuke.

"Yay! My turn!", Annie cheerfully said as she stood up and bounced to the center of the ring, waving to the crowd as she did so, and was met with thunderous applause and cheers from the males in the audience, and some females. "I shall not let you down, my loyal fans!", she yelled before finally getting to the designated spot.

"Hey! I thought I'm fighting that crybaby!", Asuka yelled.

"Oh, sorry about that, but our team's policy is to only fight those of the same gender", Annie answered cheerfully.

"Dammit! Ah, well. You better give me some fun, girl!", Asuka pointed at Annie, who cheerfully nods.

"Ready?", the referee asked Asuka.

"Any time!", Asuka said confidently and got into her high stance, palms held in front of her in the knife-hands position and feet bouncing off the tatami.

"Ready?", the referee asked Annie.

"Bring it on!", Annie said confidently, apparently switching her entire personality to Asuka's the moment she assumed her pose, also a high stance with bouncy steps.

For the record, their feet ain't the only things bouncin'. Get my drift?

"FIGHT!", the referee yelled and stepped back.

The two immediately began circling around each other, waiting for the opportunity to attack.

"SEEIII!", Asuka yelled as her right foot went up in a side kick to Annie's face.

"YAH!", Annie yelled as she quickly ducked and threw her left foot in a side thrust kick to Asuka's face.

Asuka quickly dodged by swaying her upper torso back. Her right foot quickly retracted at the knee and immediately went into a sweep, using the momentum from her sway to propel the leg.

Annie quickly retracted both legs, jumping a little as she did so, and turned her waist so that her right foot was shot out at Asuka's head while her left went to the ground to act as support.

Asuka avoided this by quickly swaying under the leg and quickly leapt back with only her left foot.

"Not bad, girl!", Asuka taunted as she began to bounce in place again.

"You too!", Annie returned the taunt.

"Come on!", Asuka shouts and dashed forward.

"Eat this!", Annie did the same.

For the next few seconds, they traded kicks, with none gaining any advantage over the other. Annie's fans cheered her on while Shinji shouted instructions to Asuka from the sidelines.

After an instance where the 2 fighters managed to meet kick with kick, they leapt back a few paces, but immediately went forward again.

"YAAAHHHH!", Asuka yelled as she jumped up, feet drawn in and hands at her side.

"SSEEEIIIII!", Annie shouts as she followed in a similar pose, but with her body angled slightly to the side.

Annie's right foot drove out in a thrusting kick, headed straight for Asuka's chest. 'Gotcha', she thought. That immediately went to 'WHAT THE HELL?' as Asuka used her hands to catch the kick at the shin and raise her entire body over the leg.

Her two feet immediately set to work raining down thrust kicks on Annie's open torso, and it was only after 6 hits that the latter managed to get her guard up.

"Not yet!", Asuka yelled as she grabbed Annie's gi and pulled so that she was falling faster than her.

She landed hands first on the ground and immediately pushed back, launching her body into the air to meet Annie's falling form.

"EAT THIS!", she yelled as her right foot extended out in a perfect 45 degree rising kick and struck her opponent at the ribs just as she started to turn in the air.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!", Annie yelled shrilly as she was thrown up several meters.

Things went in slow motion as Annie managed to pirouette not once, not twice, but five times in the air as she rose up and fell down. For no reason other than to look dramatic, complete with an announcer yelling 'YOU LOSE! BEEEYATCH'…Ok, maybe not the beeeyatch part…

Asuka landed with a soft thump as her feet touched the tatami. Annie followed her, crashing onto her back. Mary Sues fear landing face down because it ruins their faces and assets, and have undergone extensive training to ensure they never do, even if they were to fall to their deaths.

"WINNER! ASUKA!", the referee yelled as he grabbed Asuka's right hand and raise it above her head and loud groans and hysterical screams could be heard from Annie's fans, which, combined by cheers from the NERV team, completely drowned out everything the referee said.

Silently, the author thanked the gods…which would be him/her/it(?)self in this fiction, since that means he/she/it(?) does not have to think up more lines of dialogue for a one-time-appearance character.

"No…my fans…father…mother…brother…uncle…second uncle…third uncle…cousin…aunt…third cousin…that guy I never met…that girl I never knew…that thing I never thought of…forgive me…", Annie whispered dramatically before fainting.

"Yahoo! See that?!", Asuka leapt in the air and skipped back viciously to her seat. I shall let you wonder how skipping can be vicious. Meanwhile, Ritsuko's head slumped forward as she tried to calculate exactly how Asuka won.

"That kind of flying kick should be impossible to do with a normal human's body…dammit…the angle is all wrong...maybe her muscles are a lot denser…", she mumbled to herself.

"Well, you're in a fiction made by a fan. Laws of physics apply only when I want them to", a voice suddenly said behind her, and she turned her head to see an obese, no, stout, broad shouldered, big boned, slightly overweight, I mean, large (no, I am not fat…or so I refuse to believe) young man, probably in early twenties, looking at her. He was wearing a leather jacket with a hood that covered most of his upper face, and his bangs covered the eyes. Only his small mouth was visible.

"Who the hell are you?", Ritsuko asked.

"You're a smart woman, doctor. I am sure you already know who I am", the man said.

"…You…you're the one that's been messing up this universe, aren't you?", she spat venomously, and looked around to see if anyone noticed this little intercourse…no, not that kind of intercourse.

"Indeed I am. And, for convenience's sake, the only people moving through time right now are you and me, my good doctor. No one else knows I'm here", the man said. She turned back to regard him suspiciously, slowly reaching for the gun she had hidden behind her waist.

"So, why have the great and mighty author decided to come and talk to me?", she asked, and he snickered in reply.

"Well, I wanted to make sure you don't ask too many questions. And put that gun away, doctor", he said calmly, and Ritsuko flinched. "I know every little detail of your lives here, professor. Don't try anything funny", he said and took out a lit cigarette from behind his back. He took one dreg of it and immediately fell victim to a very bad coughing fit. "Shit! cough cough I forgot I don't cough smoke!", he said and threw the cigarette aside.

It landed right on top of Kaji's crotch.

Ritsuko took this moment of distraction to quickly pull the gun out and aim it at him. He saw this and sighed.

"Look, doctor. I'm the master of this universe. You can't possibly kill me…Not with a dildo, anyway", he said. Ritsuko looked in surprise at what used to be a gun. It is now a rubber penis with a gunmetal paint scheme.

"Wha…you…how…when…I…you…this…it…", Ritsuko stuttered, looking back and forth between the author and her dildo.

"Don't lose your verbal skills from this little incident, doctor", the author grinned and took out a giant mallet from behind his back, again. "Well, in any case, doctor, I'm givin' you a memory wipe", he said.

"…Memory wipe?", Ritsuko asked.

"Yep. You won't remember ever seeing me, and you shall ask no questions about the way physics work in my fiction", he said and raised the mallet above his head.

"Wait. Why shouldn't I ask questions about that?", Ritsuko asked, her cognitive abilities back in her head and the dildo thrown hastily to the floor.

"Coz' I ain't got the answers for those, and you'd just go mad thinking about it", he said and prepared to drop the mallet.

"Wait! Before you do that, can you tell me about what will happen in the future?", Ritsuko asked again.

"…Like, in this universe?", the author asked, and Ritsuko nodded. "Nah, can't spoil the story for them", he said and motioned with his head to the fourth wall.

Ritsuko looked at you and I took this time to bonk Ritsuko upside the head. She fainted back into her seat.

"Right, well, back to fiction", I said to you and snapped my fingers.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Ritsuko was woken from her sleep (at least, that's what she thinks) by a very, very loud scream.

She looked to Kaji, the source of the din. Her eyes widened as she saw his crotch on fire.

"Holy Shit! Ritsuko! Do something!", Misato yelled, and Ritsuko frantically searched around her for anything of use. Her fingers clasped a random object and she quickly passed it to Misato.

"Here. Use this!", Ritsuko said, not bothering to check what the hell she just picked up. Misato, not bothering to check either, started beating Kaji's crotch viciously with the thing.

"AAAAA-OW-OW-OW-OOOH-OUCH-OW-OH-YEAH-OWoowowowowowowowoowwww-you can stop now!", Kaji said to stop Misato, but had little effect. The beating only stopped when the children came to check on them.

"What happened?", Shinji asked, genuine concern in his voice.

"I do not know, but his crotch was on fire", Tatsuya answered, pouring some cold water over the smoking remains of said crotch-fire.

Meanwhile, Asuka was staring at the thing in Misato's hand.

Misato noticed this and looked at the thing she had been using to smother the fire.

She immediately threw it to Ritsuko and wiped her hand on the chair in front of her.

Ritsuko was not paying attention and the thing hit her face before landing in her hands.

She immediately threw it away and proceeded to clean her face and hands furiously.

"…Miss Misato…", Kensuke began, making sure this fic does not forget about him and the others with him, who are collectively called 'secondary support characters'. You know, they are support characters. Secondary ones. Not primary, and definitely not binary, tertiary, or visionary. Got that? Didn't think so.

"Is that…", Hikari began…too…god, what poor sentence structure.

"Was that a dildo?", Fuyutsuki asked as he looked at the thing on the floor.

Indeed, it was the dildo which was transformed from Ritsuko's gun.

Silence prevailed for a few lines.

OK. We're done.

"…God…that was…just…wrong…", Kaji muttered weakly, and promptly passed out.

"…Should we take him to the hospital?", Kensuke asked.

"…Nah…I'm sure he'll be awake in a few minutes…or hours", Misato replied.

"Well! Shinji! I think it's time for your next opponent!", Tatsuya said, a little too enthusiastically.

"Right! Right! Let's go, people! We have another match waiting for us!", Shinji said and led his team hurriedly back to the ring, where the referee was already waiting with the emo boy, their next opponent.

"Next battle! Suzuhara Toji…er…Kenshiro versus Arlock Strayvinsen!", the announcer declared as the 2 combatants stepped into the ring.

"…I hate my fucking life…", Arlock said as he settled gloomily into a loose, high, hunchbacked stance.

"At least you still live", Toji said calmly as he got into his Jeet-kune-do/Hokuto Shinken stance, taken directly from Bruce Lee and Kenshiro. "And you shall continue to be alive if you had not decided to fight me", he continued.

"Whatever…", Arlock replied as the referee signaled for the fight to begin. Almost immediately, his right arm lashed out in a lateral swiping movement.

Toji stepped back to avoid the blow narrowly and immediately moved forward, closing the distance between them in one quick step. At the same time, his left arm, the one in front, snapped forward in a very quick jab.

Arlock avoided this with a slow lurch which followed the momentum of his swinging arm and almost immediately swung his extended arm in a wild backswing which utilized both arms. Toji quickly leapt aside, his movement taking him to Arlock's back.

"Hokuto…HYAKU-RETSU KEN!", Toji roared and his hands quickly struck out at numerous places on Arlock's body. The latter just took it and was bounced around like a rag doll. Toji could sense something was wrong. 'Why isn't he fighting back?', he thought and ended his barrage prematurely, leaving Arlock swaying in place, reeling from the blows.

What happened next was entirely unexpected. Arlock straightened up and looked directly at Toji. He was crying, no, bawling.

"I HATE YOU!", he shouts and threw a rough and blindingly fast right punch towards Toji's head. The latter was barely able to dodge. Arlock didn't wait and threw another one, which was, again, dodged. This went on for a while as Arlock continued to swing wildly at Toji. A few of them managed to get through Toji's guard and delivered scathing blows. For the most part, however, Arlock was hitting air. It only stopped when Toji managed to get a good straight punch to Arlock's chest, which threw the latter a few meters backwards.

"…It's useless…", Arlock said listlessly. "The more you strike me, the more anger and sadness gathers in me, and the stronger I become", he continued as he put his palms together, one with the fingertips facing the ceiling and the other with the fingertips facing the ground. Toji immediately put up his guard.

"EAT THIS!" Arlock shouts and draws back. "SHI SHI HOKODAN!", he yelled and steps forward, thrusting out his palms. A wave of energy, barely visible, shot forward and forced Toji backwards in spite of his defensive stance.

"Urgh!", Toji grunts as he regained his footing. He opened his guard and looked at his opponent, who was, once again, looking listlessly back at him. "You are not the only one who possesses that kind of attack", Toji said coolly. Arlock just stared back. Toji's breathing became deeper as he placed both palms in front of his chest much like Arlock did a few moments ago, but looser.

"Hokuto…", Toji said softly as the air around him began to ripple in reaction to energy being focused in his body.

"GOUSHOU HA!", Toji shouts as he threw his palms outwards, creating a similar blast of energy that hit him a few moments ago. This one powered by fighting spirit instead of emo energy.

Arlock was thrown back as the shape of two palms was temporarily imprinted on his chest.

"GGHHHH!", he spat and landed on his back. He quickly stood up and swayed on the spot. His eyes were fixed heatedly on Toji. "You…", he said softly as a dark aura started to gather around him. He shrieked and the aura solidified into black tendrils of mist.

Meanwhile, the referee was trying to figure out if all these attacks are in breach of any of the rules. He couldn't find anything about energy waves and pseudo-magical gothic tentacle things, however, and decided to let it be. Of course, any physicist out there, except for those in this universe, will disagree.

"aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Arlock shrieked again and the tendrils whipped towards Toji repeatedly. The latter tried blocking them, but they were too numerous and quick, and he ended up being tossed around by them.

"Urgh!", Toji grunted as he lands roughly on the tatami. His head was spinning from the many blows that connected and he supported himself on one knee. 'No…will I die here…? What…about…Yuria…?', he thought and winced from the pain.

"Well, this looks bad…", Ritsuko said from her seat, her arms crossed loosely in front of her chest.

"COME ON, KID! I'VE GOT 100000 YEN RIDING ON YOU!", Misato yelled, her hands cupped in front of her mouth. Beside her, some random guy was desperately counting the odds of Toji making a comeback. So far, he's still smiling.

"…Well, I suppose I should do something", Tatsuya said and walked over to where Asuka was sitting.

"GET UP, IDIOT!", Asuka yelled before she noticed Tatsuya walking up to her. "What do you want, gramps?", she asked as he took out what looked like a pair of strapless goggles. The frames are blue in color and the elongated hexagonal lenses looked like yellow tinted glasses.

"Well, simple. Asuka, I want you to look right here. Shinji, Rei, and Hayata, close your eyes!", Tatsuya said as he put the goggles a distance away from his eyes and aligned the lenses to Asuka's eyes. Meanwhile, Shinji closed his eyes and used his hand to cover Rei's. Hayata closed his eyes on his own accord.

"Hey, just wait a minute he-", Asuka managed to get out before a bright white flash came out of the goggles. She stared dumbly ahead.

"Right. Perfect. Now…this is what is really happening…", he said and quickly whispered into Asuka's ear. A moment later, she perked up and looked at the struggling Toji, clearly distraught.

"NOOOOOOO! KAAAAJIII SAAAAN!", she yelled, and Toji looked at her. As soon as he did, Tatsuya aligned the goggles to his eyes and the flash went off again. Toji was stunned for a moment before he reacted to Asuka.

"Yu…YUUUURRIIIAAAA!", he shouts as his eyes fixed on Asuka.

"KAAAAAAAAAJIIIIIIIIII SAAAAAMAAAAAA! DON'T DIE!", Asuka screamed.

"YURIAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", Toji yelled shrilly. 'No! She is right in front of me! I must move! But I can't! Oh! TRAGEDY!', he thought, incredibly cornily.

"Kaji? But he's-", Misato started.

"-right here", Kaji finished, having just woken up.

"…What the hell…?", Ritsuko wondered aloud. "What did you do to them?", Ritsuko asked Tatsuya as soon as he sat down back in his seat.

"Nothing much, just a little bit of pep talk to boost their spirits a little", he said with a smile. Ritsuko did not buy it, of course, but decided to stay quiet lest another anvil fall on her head.

"Enough! Die!", Arlock shouted as the tendrils merged into one single tentacle and swung down on Toji. There was a loud boom as it hit the tatami. Arlock smiled maniacally, but the smile was gone in a second. "Wha-", he gasped in disbelief as the smoke and dust cleared to reveal no Toji on the mat.

"Where are you looking?", Toji's voice floats from behind him. Arlock whirled around but Toji was not there. "Over here", the voice floats again from his right. He snapped his head quickly to the right, but found naught but empty air once again. "Not there. Here", the voice floats again. Arlock turned his head slowly and saw Toji directly behind him.

"Wh…what manner of trickery is this?", Arlock wondered aloud as Toji's body seemed to phase in and out of his vision, moving randomly to the left, right, front and back.

"Hokuto Shinken sai dai ougi…", Toji said softly as Arlock's vision started to blur from watching Toji's phasing form. "Musou Tensei", Toji finished and stepped forward.

Arlock quickly closed his eyes and sent his many tendrils forward to intercept. Not a second later, he could feel something blunt stabbing several of his body parts. He quickly leapt back in shock and opened his eyes. Right in front of where he stood, and apparently right at the spot the tendrils could not reach, stood Toji.

"What did you-hmph-do?", Arlock asked, the beginnings of a giggle emerging from his throat. A second later, he was chuckling uncontrollably. "What –snicker- did you –HAH- do?", he asked again as a full blown laughter threatened to escape is mouth.

"Taking away your source of power", Toji replied as he stopped phasing.

"What do you-HA HA HA-m-HA HA HA HA!", Arlock crumpled to the ground in a fit of violent laughter. The referee looked at the rule book once again. Finding nothing, he looked at the ringside referee, who shrugged his shoulders. The referee looked between Arlock, Toji, and the ringside referee and shrugged as he grabbed Toji's right wrist.

"WINNER, SUZUHARA!", the referee announced, which was met with a thunderous applause from old-school otakus around the world. Toji silently removed himself and walked to the NERV side of the ring.

"Very nice, Suzuhara!", Shinji congratulated him. The latter merely nods his thanks and turned to Asuka.

"Yuria…", he said softly as he looked at Asuka.

"KAJI SAMA!", Asuka yelled as she scrambled up and dashed towards him.

Toji stretched his arms out and she ran straight into them, her hands immediately encircling his torso.

"Yuria!", Toji gasped as he hugged her back.

"Kaji sama!", Asuka blushed.

Meanwhile, the NERV side was very silent. Pretty much everyone had their mouths agape, eyes twitching furiously, and, if you listen closely, you can hear the gears in their heads trying very hard to turn, operative word being 'trying'.

In one freckled inchou's case, you can actually hear the cracking sounds of the gears inside her head as they went into overload.

"…Yuria…how I longed for you…", Toji said and brought his face closer to Asuka's. She was a little surprised by this development, but her hesitation was momentary as she lifted her lips to meet his.

And (big surprise, hopefully) they kissed deeply, passionately, longingly, enduringly, (dramatic adjective goes here).

The gears in Hikari's head snapped and she slumped back into her seat.

Ritsuko was the first one to get her brain moving again. She immediately turned to look at Tatsuya.

"You hypnotized them, didn't you?", she asked quickly. Tatsuya merely nodded. "…How long is the effect going to stay in place?", she asked again, and Tatsuya checked his watch, one of those limited high grade military issue kinds given to soldiers from the M-85 nebula.

"…I'd say in 5 seconds", he replied simply. Ritsuko and Misato immediately turned their heads back to the action.

Meanwhile, Asuka and Toji snapped their eyes open at the same time.

Asuka stared into brown orbs in a white background that was too close to her eyes.

Toji stared into blue orbs in a white background that was too close to his eyes.

'Why do I taste fish…no, wait, monkey in my mouth?', Asuka thought.

'Why do I taste milk…no, wait, devil in my mouth?', Toji thought.

Both wiggled their tongues and were surprised when they felt something else wiggling in there. Both pulled their heads back.

That's when the screaming began.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", they yelled at the same time as they instinctively propelled themselves apart, fingers pointing accusingly towards each other.

"YOU!", Asuka yelled.

"HOW?!", Toji yelled back.

"WHAT ARE YOU-"

"DID YOU JUST-"

"DID YOU JUST FRENCH ME?!"

"HEY! THAT'S MY LINE!"

And that went on for a while as the rest of the world, excepting Shinji, Rei, Hayata, and Tatsuya, picked up the scattered pieces of gray matter that used to be their brain and tried putting it back together.

"Th…that…this…", Hikari tried to begin.

"…was…um…unexpected…", Fuyutsuki finished for her.

"NNNOOOOOOOO! TOJI! YOU BACKSTABBING SONUVABITCH! I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THAT!", Kensuke screamed as loud as his geek's lungs allowed, throwing cusses like the best of 'em.

"Not in the scenario, not in the scenario, not in the scenario, not in the scenario, not-", Gendo mumbled to himself as he glued his eyes to the TV screen at the foot of his bed somewhere in a NERV hospital.

"…Well, I see no resolution to this anytime soon if we continue to be stunned at the fact that Toji just kissed Asuka. What do you say we move on to the next fight?", Tatsuya offered.

Everyone nods silently except for Kensuke who was still cussin' and Asuka and Toji, who were still trying to figure out just who kissed who.

"…You know, I didn't think he had it in him", Hayata commented as he looked at Cussin' Kensuke.

"Neither did I", Shinji answered. Just then, the announcer's voice boomed out from the loudspeaker, thankfully ending this awkwardness.

"Next battle! Ayanami Rei! Versus! Opelia Wisconsin!", and Rei stood up, followed by Opelia. Both of them walked to the center of the ring, Opelia with a demure smile and Rei with no readable expression whatsoever.

"An honor, miss Ayanami", Opelia said as they reached their starting lines and bowed. Rei returned the bow. Cheers erupt from all corners of the hall from fans of both girls. Somewhere deep in the pit of her stomach, Rei shivered. Someone was thinking about her, and they're pretty nasty thoughts. Hey, maybe it's you.

"Ready?", the referee asked her, and she nodded silently. "Ready?", he turned to Opelia, who nodded in reply. "FIGHT!", he shouts and stepped out of the way.

Rei settled into her stance calmly, turning her body so that her left side and her hands, set loosely in front of her left side, faced her opponent, and began to slowly circle Opelia. The latter turned her body to keep Rei in front of her at all times.

Without warning, Opelia stepped forward, almost too quick to be seen, her open palms coming together in front of her waist, and twists her waist inward as she gathers force. Rei barely had enough time to register this before Opelia's right arm swung diagonally upwards, as if cutting across Rei's torso. The latter managed to evade by twisting her waist to lower her torso and move it aside as her left hand deflected Opelia's attack with a loud smack. Rei immediately backed away to a safe distance. Shinji's eyes narrowed as he noticed her left palm shaking.

'Could it be…?', he thought to himself. In the spectator's seat, Tatsuya thought the same thing.

"A worthy opponent indeed You are one of the few who can dodge the Shadowless Sword at that distance", Opelia said in a sing-song voice as her palms come together, her left fingers touching the area where the right wrist meets the palm. She raised her palms up and dashed towards Rei. The latter narrowed her eyes and stepped diagonally forward as Opelia's hands swung down.

Rei's right palm shot towards Opelia's face as she moved towards Opelia's back. The latter managed to move her head aside at the last moment, and Rei turned clockwise in a complete circle, sending her left forearm towards Opelia's midsection. Opelia leapt back, spinning as she did so, sending her hands slashing horizontally towards Rei's head. Rei ducked to avoid the attack, and succeeded.

The hall was silent as Opelia stood in her stance, her hands together beside her right hip. Rei stood up and returned to her previous stance. Shinji was looking on intensely, arms folded across his chest. His eyes were on an area of the ring around Rei's feet. He could see several short strands of Rei's blue hair.

"It is just as I thought…", Shinji said, and amazingly got the attention of Toji and Asuka on top of Hayata.

"What is?", Toji asked, not having followed the events that transpired a few moments earlier.

"Miss Wisconsin is a practitioner of the Mugetsu Kenjutsu", Shinji stated.

"…Practitioner of…what?", Asuka asked, understanding clearly not present in her eyes.

"The Sword of Emptiness, or the Vacuum Blade. A discipline that enables its practitioner to create an invisible blade made of energy by placing both palms together. It is as strong as a normal blade! And it's invisible! No normal human can predict its movements with eyes alone!", Shinji explained, his voice rising and his speech going faster as he neared the exclamation mark(!).

"So…you're saying Ayanami is…screwed?", Toji asked.

"…That may not be the case…", Hayata said, his right fingers cupping his chin.

"Indeed! All she needs to do is know what she is dealing with!", Shinji exclaimed before cupping his hands around his lips. "REI!", He shouts, and that got her attention, as well as everyone in a 100 meter radius.

"…Shinji?", She said softly as she looked at him.

"Remember your training, Ayanami! If you can't see the attack, FEEL IT!", Shinji shouts his instructions. Rei was, predictably, puzzled, and turned back to her opponent.

"Ya think wondergirl gets it?", Asuka scoffed.

"I hope so. Otherwise, she might lose", Shinji replied and looked on hopefully.

"Are you ready to continue, miss Ayanami?", Opelia, a.k.a Mary Sue v.2.0 asked.

Rei took a moment to ponder before closing her eyes.

"What on earth is that girl doing?", Ritsuko wondered aloud, just one voice out of the many murmurs now starting to spread in the hall.

"The essence of tai chi is to use an opponent's force to your advantage", Tatsuya said cryptically.

"…Aaaand…?", Misato asked. The cryptic stuff never was her specialty.

"By closing one's eyes, one can more effectively utilize senses other than sight to react to an enemy's attacks. Especially when fighting one skilled in the Mugetsu Kenjutsu!", Tatsuya replied spiritedly.

"Skilled in the what?", Ritsuko asked. Mugetsu Kenjutsu was, obviously, no public knowledge.

"Please scroll up a few paragraphs for further information", a voice suddenly said over the intercom, and this prompted everyone in the hall to look at the script of this fiction and look for the part where mugetsu kenjutsu was explained. Don't ask me how everyone else knew about this little conversation, or how the script got into their hand. Nobody asked when Robin Hood and his men in tights did it.

"…Where have I heard that voice before…?", Ritsuko wondered aloud before shifting her eyes back to the action.

"Wellgetting desperate, are you?", Opelia wistfully said as she raised her hands above her head.

Rei kept quiet as she settled into her stance.

"Heregoes", Opelia said as she charged forward and swung her hands down.

A loud smack resonated through the hall as a depression, forming a straight line, formed on the ring's floor, dust billowing up from where the invisible impact had been. Rei stood to the side of that line.

"What the hell…?", Misato gaped, her eyes studying the line on the mat.

"What just happened? What did she do?", Ritsuko mumbled to herself.

"That impact was made when the invisible blade made of the user's energy hit the floor", Tatsuya elaborated.

"…I'll be damned…You were serious…", Fuyutsuki remarked, once again confirming his existence in this chapter, no matter how small.

"I…is Ayanami all right?", Hikari spoke, her brain finally fixed enough to form coherent sentences.

"Don't worry. She dodged it at the last second", Tatsuya replied. Down at the sidelines, Shinji smiled confidently.

Opelia had stopped moving for a moment. She was sure she would hit her opponent. Shaking her head to clear off her confusion, she settled back into her stance, her hands placed in front of her waist in a classic kendo stance. Not a second later, her hands lashed out straight forward, sending forth an energy equivalent of a sword thrust towards Rei's face.

The latter moved her head aside slightly, just enough to avoid the attack narrowly. Those who watched could see her hair being blown backwards from the wind generated by the thrust. Opelia did not stop, and continued to rain thrust after thrust at Rei, who continued to dodge smoothly.

After a moment of that, Opelia drew back, her hands placed beside her head, the equivalent of a kendo high stance, panting heavily. She eyed Rei, who still had her eyes closed and standing in her relaxed stance. She stepped cautiously forward. Rei did not move. Opelia, seeing no resolution to this anytime soon, drew back her hand and immediately thrust forward.

Rei silently stepped aside as Opelia's energy blade moved towards her chest and positioned herself to Opelia's right. Opelia made to draw back the blade, but was pulled forward before she could do so by Rei's gentle hand movements. The former tried pulling back, but found herself being forced back as Rei subtly changed her footing and body position to push her backwards.

Nearly off-balance, Opelia pushed forward again with all the strength she could muster. She looked at Rei, who chose that moment to open her eyes. Opelia's eyes met hers, and widened when she felt Rei pulling her forward, and felt the latter's movement flowing from the toes, up to the knees, waist, torso, shoulders, and finally her hands. She did not have the time to scream as her body was suddenly flung forwards.

The audience watched with mouths agape as Opelia sailed through the air, heading outside the ring. Opelia put both hands up in front of her to brace for the impact, and was surprised when a pair of hands suddenly grabbed her gi in midair and pulled her to cancel her inertia and set her on her feet. She opened her eyes to see Seth standing before her.

"Are you all right?", he asked crisply.

"Yes. There are no major injuries. Sorry, Sethchan", Opelia answered. Seth shook is head.

"It is all right as long as you are safe. Now, go take a seat and watch me take down their captain", Seth smirked and looked at Shinji. The latter was also looking at him and their eyes met. Shinji gave a confident grin, which Seth returned with another smirk.

"RING OUT! VICTORY FOR NERV TEAM!", the announcer's voice boomed as he took Rei's wrist and hoisted her hand straight up in the air. A loud cheer and claps soon followed as Rei's hands dropped back to her side. She walked back to her team's side slowly, where the rest of her team were waiting.

"Not bad, wondergirl! I bet I can do better than that!", Asuka said loudly as she puffed her chest and stood proudly with her arms akimbo.

"Right, right, whatever. Good job, Ayanami", Toji followed and gave Rei a pat on her left shoulder before an angry redhead punched the back of his head.

"Well, with this, we're assured victory even if Shinji were to lose", Hayata said from where he stood.

"He will not lose", Rei said suddenly.

"Fear not, Rei! I won't lose to anyone as long as I fight in the name of Justice!", Shinji roared heartily as he came up to them.

"…Of course not. I was merely speaking hypothetically", Hayata replied as Rei turned to look at Shinji.

"Right, well then…what are we waiting for?", Shinji said confidently as he pulled his black belt tighter around his waist, a confident grin on his face, and stepped into the ring.

"LAST BATTLE! CAPTAIN VERSUS CAPTAIN! IKARI SHINJI VERSUS SETH NEILSON!", the announcer screamed into the microphone in his hand as Seth, a.k.a. Gary Stu, stepped to the center of the ring along with Shinji.

"Don't disappoint me, Ikari…", Seth said with yet another smirk as he and Shinji stood face to face.

"Same to you, my friend!", the latter replied confidently.

"Ready?", the referee asked as he looked at Seth, who put his hands in front of him in a high stance not too dissimilar to a certain fainted bishonen's.

"Ready?", the referee asked as he looked at Shinji, who went into his 'cat' stance…no, not the one Ranma uses. See chapter 1 for details.

"FIGHT!", the referee shouts and steps back as he quickly crosses both arms in front of him and let go.

Almost immediately, Seth stepped forward and his left hand went out in a blurry jab.

Shinji used his left hand to parry the jab as he quickly stepped forward, his right fist drawn back in preparation of a driving gut punch.

Seth moved his right hand to his left rib as soon as he saw Shinji chambering the punch.

Twisting his hip and shoulder, Shinji rammed his fist into Seth's right hand.

Shinji's fist connected with Seth's hand with a loud smack and the latter floated backwards in an attempt to minimize the force of the impact.

Seth threw out a snapping left front kick towards Shinji's face as he floated backwards, which was quickly blocked by Shinji's outer right forearm and left palm with a loud bang.

Seth landed on both feet gracefully and returned to his high stance.

"Not bad. You actually live up to my expectations…", Seth smirked, yet again.

"Thank you for the compliment", Shinji replied as he returned to his usual stance. "Now, COME!", his entire body tensed the moment he let out his roar.

"With pleasure", Seth smirked confidently (seeing a pattern here?) and advanced.

As soon as he was within range, Seth threw out a low right kick, which was quickly met with Shinji's solid stance and lower body defense. Seth's leg rebounded and he used the force of the rebound to launch 2 more consecutive snap kicks to Shinji's torso and face, in that order. Both kicks met, again, with Shinji's solid defense, rebounding off his raised thigh and left forearm.

Using the force of the rebound from his high kick, Seth spun his entire body around, his left leg as the pivot, and launched a backspin thrust kick towards Shinji's midsection. This was quickly smashed aside by Shinji's left elbow.

Almost as soon as the kick was deflected, Seth lifts up his left foot and launched it towards Shinji's face from the outside as his right foot took the place of the left one.

Shinji, not hesitating for one second, quickly lifts his legs off the ground as he goes into a spinning crouch and launched a broad backsweep kick towards Seth's supporting leg.

The kick connected and Seth's right leg was launched in the air as his torso went to the ground. He quickly threw out his hands to the ground and, with a loud smack, used them to support his body.

"Allow me to show you the real scorpion", Seth smirked (see the pattern now?) as he spun around to face Shinji, supporting himself on a triangle support point provided by his palms and his right tiptoe. His left leg was raised high above him, the toes pointing towards Shinji, much like a scorpion's tail.

"Interesting", Shinji smiled confidently and went into a high stance, the left side of his body facing Seth, his left hand at his side and his right drawn up to the middle of his chest.

"Hmph. Let's see how long you're going to stay that confident…", Seth smirked (need I say it?) as he started bouncing up and down in his stance.

Without warning, he attacked Shinji with a series of quick jabs using his left foot's toes, which were all quickly deflected by Shinji's left hand. After the last jab, Seth quickly drew his left foot back and joined it with his right as his legs began to spin along the ground with his hands and powerful torso providing support in a series of wide circular sweeps to attack Shinji's legs and, occasionally, his torso and head.

Shinji managed to evade or block most of these by jumping, body sways, or blocking directly with his arms, their combined movements a beautifully deadly dance in itself. Seth quickly changed his strategy and advanced until he was directly in front of Shinji, his entire body drawn up into a ball with his face towards the ground and his palms on the ground. Shinji quickly caught on, ducked, and raised his hands to his face in a cross block.

"Too late", Seth smirked for the umpteenth time today and launched both feet towards Shinji's face, his entire body launched forward off the ground by the motion of his hands and torso. The devastating double kick impacted Shinji's forearms with a loud bang and Shinji was launched off the ground, his upper torso bending backwards. His contorted face and gritted teeth showed his pain.

Following through the motions, Seth landed on tiptoes and immediately launched himself forward, this time twisting his body to spin horizontally downwards, the sides of his body facing Shinji as he spun.

Shinji, in the meantime, used the momentum of the impact to twist his torso and landed crouching with his back towards the spinning Seth. Stepping back, he generated his own momentum which went upwards, both hands drawn tightly against his body.

"Now…die!", Seth said loudly and threw out his right foot, which arced viciously downwards, powered by his spinning motion, towards Shinji.

"IKUZE! RISING DRAGON!", Shinji roared and extended his right elbow, arcing upwards powerfully towards Seth's leg, powered by his grounded upwards spinning motion.

The two attacks met with a very loud boom, and everyone in the audience held their breath in excitement.

Shinji drove through, throwing Seth's leg arcing back the way it had come, and followed his spinning motion until he went into a deep, wide karate stance, facing Seth.

Seth managed to regain his balance in mid spin and regained his footing after three backward hops. He smirked, but his eyes showed his wavering confidence.

"…Wait a minute…How come only he gets original named attacks?", Toji commented from the sidelines.

"…Hey! Yeah! How come only Mr. Shonen Stereotype gets named attacks?!", Asuka followed, and a stack of documents promptly fell in front of her. "What the…?", she wondered aloud and read the title of the document on top. It says 'Contract agreements'. "Dammit! Not this again!", she yelled and promptly knocked it aside.

"It is not conduct becoming of a pilot to make a mess everywhere you go, pilot Soryu", Rei said calmly as she picked up the scattered documents and arranged them in order.

"Fuck that!", Asuka retorted and brought her view back to the ring.

"You are better than I thought, Mister Ikari…", Seth said coolly as he stood in a standing position. "I suppose it is time for me to get serious", he continued and moved his arms outwards slightly.

"Likewise, mister Nielsen!", Shinji grinned confidently and returned to his high stance.

"Now, Ikari…prepare to DIE!", Nielsen said as he raised his hands to shoulder level. Small red wisps of light started to emanate from his forearms and gathered around his hands, covering them in orbs of red energy.

"Th, This is…!", Shinji gasped as he witnessed the events unfolding before his eyes.

"What the hell?!", Asuka wondered aloud in the sidelines.

"This is like that thing my opponent was using!", Toji followed.

"No, this one seems to be stronger…", Hayata commented simply.

Rei was silent, but her eyes had widened slightly.

"Oi, oi, this could be bad…", Kaji said softly.

"Damn! We have to get him out of there!", Misato cursed in her seat.

"Not yet", Tatsuya said calmly.

"But-", Ritsuko began, but was immediately silenced when Tatsuya looked at her intensely.

"…He won't lose, doctor. You just have to believe in him", he smiled confidently, ending the discussion there.

"Eat this", Seth smirked and swung his left arm, throwing the orb down there in Shinji's direction.

"Damn!", Shinji cursed as he stepped aside to avoid the ball of energy. It hit the floor a ways behind him and exploded with a loud boom and engulfed a good portion of it in fire.

"NOT YET!", Seth screamed as another orb appeared in his left hand. "DIE!", he yelled as he alternately threw orbs of fire from his left and right hands at Shinji, who was dashing all over the ring to avoid getting hit.

As Shinji dashed, he slowly moved closer to Seth. Once he was set, he launched himself forward and threw a strong right punch at him.

"Wha-", Shinji gasped when he found his fist hitting air.

"Too slow", Seth taunted. Shinji looked up and behind him to see Seth in the air, having jumped away at the last second. "Now…", Seth smirked as his hands glowed brighter. "DIE!", he yelled and launched a barrage of flaming orbs at Shinji, who did not have time to evade and resorted to merely guarding his vital parts. Each orb explodes upon impact with either Shinji or the ring. In a matter of seconds, half of the ring was engulfed in fire and explosions as Seth continued his assault.

"Shinji", Rei said in a strangely muted version of an exclamation as she stood up and tried to enter the ring.

"He, hey, Ayanami! What are you doing?!", Toji shouted as he grabbed Rei's left wrist.

"I am getting the third child out of there", Rei replied flatly.

"Are you nuts?! There's no way you can survive in there!", Asuka yelled as she held on to Rei's right wrist.

"That does not matter. The third must not be allowed to die", Rei said as she tried to make her way forward.

"He'll be fine", Hayata suddenly said from where he was sitting. The others turned to look at him, part in shock, part in incredulity.

"The hell he is!", Toji retorted loudly. Meanwhile, Seth had stopped his barrage and stood panting in the ring. In front of him were billowing smokes where Shinji had been standing moments ago, give or take a few meters.

"Heh heh…heh…Hah! Take that, you son of a bitch…", Seth panted and the rest of the people in the hall waited with bated breaths as the smoke began to clear. Seth, for his part, was exhausted. That continuous barrage he just unleashed had taken its toll on his body.

"IKARI JUMP!", a loud roar suddenly reverberated through the hall as the smoke in front of him suddenly swirled outwards and was sucked upwards in a spiral. He snapped his head upwards to see-

"Shinji!", Misato shouted in surprise from the spectator area, and indeed it was Shinji who had leapt high above the ring, hands stretched out widely on his sides, his eyes focused on Seth below him. Most of his upper gi was in tatters thanks to Seth's attacks, and wisps of smoke trailed from parts of his skin, but he otherwise looked fine.

"You! How-!", Seth began, but quickly stopped when he realized he was at a grave disadvantage. He cannot move because he had expended most if not all of his energy on his last attack, and he was basically a sitting duck right now.

"An attack like that…", Shinji began as he continued to rise through the air. "SHALL NEVER DEFEAT ME!", he shouts, which was met with loud cheers from the NERV team.

"IKARI!", Shinji roared as he drew up his entire body into a ball and let his momentum guide his body to spin horizontally to his right slowly.

Below him, Seth desperately tried to move his legs, but all he managed to do was fumble around, nearly losing his already fragile footing.

"KIIIIIICKKKKK!", Shinji roared again as he kicked downwards with his right foot, spearing diagonally towards Seth from at least 10 meters up at an incredible speed. During his descent, a faint blue aura seemed to surround his body, trailing behind him like wisps of smoke from a fire.

Seth did not have time to say anything before Shinji's foot slammed into his chest, sending him crashing to the ground, breaking the ring's mat where his body made impact, and creating a small wooden crater around him, splinters flying in its wake.

Shinji, meanwhile, retreated with a quick back flip, landing in a deep karate stance.

Seth lifted his head with tremendous effort and looked at Shinji.

"You…how did…you…survive my…attack?", he asked in a hoarse voice, blood dripping out the corner of his mouth.

"By the power of my fighting spirit!", Shinji roared his reply.

That answer made no sense, but no one in the audience really cares. Neither do you.

"But…how…I'm the Gary Stu in this story…", Seth gasped out.

"That may be so…", Shinji began, straightening up into a very manly standing position. "But I am the hero!", he finished, and Seth promptly slumped face down on the mat.

"…He's got to be kidding…", Ritsuko muttered, her head slumped into her hands. Too many unexplained shonen phenomena has that effect on her. Beside her, Misato was shaking uncontrollably in excitement.

"YAAAAHOOOOOO!", the latter suddenly burst out and started jumping up and down, taking and shaking the hands of anyone she can get her hands on.

"Hmph! I told you to trust him", Tatsuya said, leaning back into his seat with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"…So…do you mind explaining to us what he just did?", Kaji asked.

"Not at all. He merely shielded himself at the last second with his ki, or fighting spirit, if you prefer", Tatsuya replied.

"…Ok…let's go with that…", Kaji said and slumped back into his seat, just moments before Misato skipped and stepped on his toes. The grimace and tears were pretty indicative of what he feels right now.

"WINNER! IKARI SHINJI!", the announcer shouts above the din of the hall, lifting Shinji's left hand above his head while medics swarmed to get Seth into the infirmary. As soon as the referee let go of his hand, Shinji stood straight with feet at shoulder with and crossed both arms in front of his face, inhaling as he did so.

"OSSU!", Shinji roared as he uncrossed his arms, which was met with more cheers from the crowd. With that done, he went to where his teammates were sitting.

"Okay! What the hell did you just do, third?", Asuka asked loudly and vehemently.

"What are you talking about?", Shinji asked back with an innocent smile.

"Well, for one, how did you jump ten meters into the air…come to think of it, is this hall's ceiling even supposed to be ten meters tall?", Toji said.

"Yeah! And what about that flame thingy on your body when you came down?", Asuka asked again.

"Well, those are just manifestations of my fighting spirit. When one has trained long enough in the Mugen-ryu style of martial arts, these kind of things are possible", Shinji answered matter-of-factly.

"Oh, come on! No one is going to fall for that!", Asuka yelled, throwing out her hands in frustration.

"Interesting. So that's how you were able to do all that", Hayata said from behind her, hands on his hips.

There was a slight pause as Toji and Asuka turned to stare at Hayata.

"…What?", Hayata shrugged.

They did not reply.

"Are you injured, pilot Ikari?", Rei asked softly from behind all of them, breaking the silence.

"Oh, Ayanami. No, not at all! Thanks for asking", Shinji replied with a smile as he turned to face her.

"Are you sure?", she asked again as she looked over his body, which was still smoking slightly.

"Of course! It will take more than explosive energy balls to take down a master of Mugen-ryu karate!", he replied and thumped his bare chest once with his right hand.

"Heh. Looks healthy enough to me", Toji scoffed while Asuka fumed.

It only took three seconds to change their minds as Shinji toppled stiffly backwards onto the floor, confident smile still plastered to his face.

"H, hey! Shinji!", Kaji called out. He and the other surviving members of the NERV team had went down to the children's place to say their congratulations.

"Do you require assistance, pilot Ikari?", Rei asked as she bent down to look at his face.

"…I…I…guess…it does…sting…a…little…", Shinji winced, still smiling despite the pain.

"I guess he's not as invincible as we thought", Toji commented, bent over to get a good look at Shinji.

"Just goes to show what you get for showing off", Asuka sneered beside him, hands crossed in front of her chest.

"Well, it was amazing enough he survived through that entire explosion", Misato sighed while Ritsuko started checking Shinji's body for any injuries.

"So, how's he holding up, doctor Akagi?", Fuyutsuki asked, once more reaffirming his existence in this story.

"There are no external wounds that I can detect. It's probably just a large amount of fatigue. I can only hope there are no internal injuries", Ritsuko said as she stood up. "In any case, we should probably get him to the infirmary. I should be able to do a more thorough check up there", she finished.

"Leave that to me!", Tatsuya said as he picked Shinji up and slung him over his right shoulder.

"You kids might want to come too. Your injuries need to be treated properly", Ritsuko said as she turned to follow Tatsuya to the infirmary.

Toji and Asuka looked at each other, shrugged, and followed her, along with Hayata and the others from the NERV team.

"So, how is he doing?", Tatsuya asked, his arms folded in front of his chest as he stood next to Shinji, who was lying on a bed while Ritsuko checked his injuries.

"Just as I thought. Muscle fatigue, and a few minor burns and bruises. Nothing serious. He should be back to normal in less than an hour", Ritsuko answered as she straightened up.

"So, can he fight the next round of battles?", Kaji asked. He was seated on the bed next to Shinji's, a nurse tending to his crotch. No, not in that way, perverts.

"Do not worry! It takes more than this to stop a Mugen-ryu master such as myself!", Shinji said confidently, sitting up cross-legged on his bed.

"That's my boy!", Tatsuya roared heartily and smacked Shinji in the back. The latter immediately slumped forward in pain. "…Oops…", Tatsuya mumbled.

"Mister Mugen. Please kindly refrain from aggravating your student's injuries", Ritsuko sighed.

"Sorry", Tatsuya said sheepishly and scratched his head.

'Amazing how boyish he can look', Ritsuko thought to herself. Then, realizing what she just implied, no matter how small, she looked to the sky…er, ceiling. "You're not doing what I think you're doing, are you?", she asked, which left everyone else in the room understandably puzzled.

Hey, better some superhero I made up than Gendo or Fuyutsuki, right?

"…I suppose so", she shrugged and returned her attention to the others. "Don't mind me. I just need to take some medications", she said as she slowly made her way to the door, followed by the stares of everyone else there.

The door flung open away from her before she could touch it, and Opelia burst into the room, followed by Rei, Asuka, Toji, and Hayata, in that order.

"Sethchan", Opelia called out and opened the curtain that separated Shinji's bed from the one beside his. On the bad was Seth, his torso wrapped in bandages.

"Ah! Seth! I had no idea you were here!", Shinji said heartily.

"Well, believe it or not, I had", Seth said as he gingerly sat up. Opelia helped him by propping pillows on his back and shoulders.

"Yo, Shinji, you OK?", Toji asked as he took a seat across Shinji.

"YOU!", a loud voice suddenly screamed out from the bed across Shinji as the curtain there was thrown open.

"Hey…aren't you-", Hayata began, and was immediately cut off by Asuka.

"Hey! It's the emo kid!", she yelled and pointed towards Arlock, who was sitting up on the bed. Jerry was holding the curtain that was covering him, and Annie was sitting beside the formers bed.

"Who you callin' an emo kid?!", Arlock yelled back.

"You! Who else?!", Asuka replied in kind.

"WHY, YOU!", Arlock shrieked and tried to get out of his bed.

"Now, now, Arlock…", Annie grabbed his shoulders and tried to pull him back. Perhaps it was his injuries, but it only took her one try to plop him back down to the sheets.

"Well, I'll be damned", Toji mused to himself. "This seems a little too much to be a coincidence", he continued.

"Actually, it is not a coincidence we met here", Jerry smiled, which was met with curious stares from everyone from the NERV team.

"What do you mean?", Rei asked flatly.

"This is the only infirmary in the whole goddamn building's what he means", Seth answered for Jerry.

"…How does that not make any sense?", Kaji said.

"I dunno. I'm just following the script", Seth said and pulled out the script conveniently placed under his bed.

"We should have figured that out, really, what with the author being a cheap bastard who makes no sense and all…", Ritsuko commented nonchalantly, and yet another anvil fell on her head, just heavy enough to give a major headache.

"…Where the hell did that come from?", Misato wondered aloud as she stared at the ceiling, standing beside her.

"Are you all right, professor?", Tatsuya said as he took her right hand and helped her up.

"I'll be", Ritsuko replied, her left hand clutching her head.

"Good afternoon, Asuka", Annie called out as soon as she managed to restrain Arlock, who was literally trying to lash out and bite Toji.

"Good afternoon. How's your wounds?", Asuka asked as she and Rei took seats at the sides of Shinji's bed across each other.

"It still stings, but it should heal in a couple of days", Annie smiled, and Asuka merely nodded her understanding.

"…How are your injuries, Ikari?", Rei asked.

"It's just fatigue, as Doctor Akagi said. I'll be fine in a few minutes", Shinji replied with a confident smile.

Rei did not say anything, and merely exhaled the small amount of air nobody, not even herself, knew she had been holding in her lungs.

"By the way, there was something that had been bugging us", Hayata said to Jerry.

"What is it?", the latter asked.

"Why did you name yourselves Crimson Roses?", Asuka asked on behalf of her teammates.

"Well…", Jerry scratched his head. "…Actually…I have no idea. Opelia came up with it", he said and pointed to Opelia who was sitting beside Seth, tending to the latter's wounds.

"Ohit was simple, really", Opelia began. "We were so strong that we decided our team name is not important at all, and I, who was assigned with the task of naming the team, used a random name generator I downloaded off the internet", Opelia sing-songed her answer.

There was a minute of silence as Shinji, Asuka, Toji, and Hayata turned to stare at Rei.

"…How did you…", Asuka pointed and tried to start, but words seemed to fail her.

"Ah! Toji! Here you are!", a female voice said from the doorway, and they turned to see Hikari standing there with Kensuke following close behind her, a scowl on his face.

"Yo, Kensuke, Horaki. What are you doing here?", Toji greeted them with one raised hand.

"Oh, we're just here to help tend to your wounds", Hikari answered and turned to Kensuke. "Right, Aida san?", she asked, a vein suddenly visible on her forehead.

Kensuke sneered in reply.

"…I think there's some hostility here…", Fuyutsuki observed calmly and wisely took ten steps away.

"Uh…is it just me, or do those two look evil right now?", Asuka leaned closer to Toji and muttered.

"I pray for our sakes that it is just you…", Toji muttered back as Kensuke and Hikari approached them.

"It seems that the best course of action we must take right now is to close the curtains and take cover", Rei said. Everyone else but Shinji, Tatsuya, Toji and Asuka nodded in agreement and promptly did as she instructed.

- 30 seconds later -

"AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!", Toji screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!", Asuka followed suit.

"Now, now, Asuka. You know nothing is better against cuts than a bottle of sterilizing alcohol", Hikari said with an evil smile as she poured an entire bottle of said liquid onto Asuka's left cheek, careful to rub everything in so she does not miss a single spot.

"What she said, buddy", Kensuke followed suit with a similar, much geekier smile, also doing the same thing as Hikari, only he was doing Toji's right arm.

"There was no cut there before!", Toji yelled back.

"Yeah!", Asuka followed.

"But there's nothing better against bruises than gratuitous sandpapering", Kensuke replied as he continued on his task.

"What the fuck are you-OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!", Toji screamed as Kensuke prodded, no, stabbed at Toji's wound with a cotton wad soaked in vinegar.

"HHHKKKKKKKKKKKHHHH! HHHHHHHHNNNFFFFFFMMFFFFFFFF! (Hikari I can't breathe)", Asuka screamed as Hikari began wrapping Asuka's head tightly with a roll of bandages.

"Now, Asuka, don't make this hard on yourself. We need to wrap you up nice and…tight!", Hikari said as she yanked harder on the ends of the bandages.

In the curtained off beds, the others prayed for the survival of the tortured ones.

- 10 minutes after that -

"…So, how are they?", Misato asked. Ritsuko was squatting on the ground where Toji and Asuka lay, a white line on the floor around each of their twitching bodies. Who knew moldy socks can be such wonderful weapons?

"Well, they're alive, that much I can tell", Ritsuko replied as she prods the two bodies on the ground, which occasionally moaned in pain.

"Oh, don't worry. We won't kill them so quickly", Kensuke answered with a smile as dark as a geek can get.

On the ground, Toji whimpered.

"I don't think they'll be able to participate in the next round, though", Ritsuko said as she stood up.

"Oh, don't worry about that. The final fight is for team captains only", Shinji said.

"Yes, and (for convenience's sake) there are no more tough opponents between now until the next fight, so we can easily rack up the necessary three victories until we get to the finals", Tatsuya added.

Just then, the intercom crackled to life.

"NERV team, please report back to the ring! I repeat! NERV team, please return to the ring for the next bout of matches! I repeat! My tiny little penis just went to France! All those with a vagina, please find it before it impregnates Minnie Mouse! I repeat! My ti…what the hell?!", and with that, the intercom fell silent.

Silence prevailed for the next 10 minutes.

"Did the announcer just say-", Shinji began.

"Right! Well! Let's go, people!", Tatsuya immediately interrupted him by grabbing his gi's collar and literally throwing him out of the infirmary. Everyone else walked out after him, not really wanting to discuss anything about the intercom message.

- 2 hours, 45 minutes, 34 seconds, 14 fights, and 28 rice balls later -

"All right, people! Let us prepare for the final battle!", Shinji roared with his right fist raised in front of him. In front of him stood his remaining teammates.

"Final battle?", Misato wondered from her seat.

"Already?", Fuyutsuki followed.

"Wait a minute…I don't remember all the other fights leading up to this", Kaji scratched his head as he tried to remember the past few hours.

…Well, let's fix that, shall we?

Three anvils promptly fell on the their heads.

"OW! Where the hell did that come from?!", Misato yelled as she rubbed a large lump on her head.

"Hell if I know!", Kaji replied, and slowly looked around. "…What were we talking about again?", he asked Misato and Fuyutsuki, who were sitting beside him.

"…I can't remember", Fuyutsuki said as he turned his eyes to the ceiling. "Ah, well, I'm sure it's nothing important", he shrugged and turned his attention back to the ring.

Shinji stepped onto the ring, his hands firmly clasping his black belt by the sides of the knot in front of his waist, a confident smile on his face. He watched as his opponent entered the ring and his smile quickly vanished, to be replaced by a confused expression. His opponent walked up to him and flashed him a confident grin. He looked exactly like Shinji in terms of…everything.

"YOU!", Shinji yelled and pointed towards the other Shinji.

"YOU!", the other Shinji did the same, in a voice that is a lot more boyish than Shinji.

"Who are you?!", Shinji asked heatedly.

"That's my question, you nincompoopal impostor!", the other Shinji retorted, in a voice that tries unsuccessfully to be powerful.

"Wait. Why do you not sound like me?", Shinji asked.

"…I don't know. What am I supposed to sound like? Your grandma? Huh, why, I oughta-", the other Shinji asked.

"Well, like me, of course! And stop insulting me with ridiculous names that don't fit with the movement of your lips!", Shinji replied.

"I think you meant like me. In any case, why do we have different voices? Huh? Huh? Hmmmmmmmmmm?", the other Shinji asked back. No one knew how he could produce a 'Hmm' when his mouth was wide open the whole time.

"ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN!", a voice suddenly rang out from the speakers. The NERV team turned to look at the source of that voice and saw a long-haired blonde girl, another girl with long, slightly wavy dark blue locks beside her, a dog, a…miniature of the galaxy…maybe…with arms…and an overweight man in black leather…well, the author, all sitting in a row, a long referee's table in front of them. The blonde started speaking.

"Hi there! I am E-Chan! Otherwise known as Hanako-"

"DOSHKOI!"

"Right, thank you sumo guys! What a way to tell the readers you still EXIST! EXISTENCE BANZAI! And right beside me is Ha-Chan! Next to her is Menchi! Or Mince! Depending on the situation! (Mince: Whimper) Next to him/her/it is Iz-chan, straight from her recent honeymoon!"

Somewhere else in the world

Pedro: "NOOO! Where's my SEXY wife?! Did she find another man again?! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back to scene

"And right at the end there is the one and only creator of this universe! AUTHOR! Otherwise known as DancingBrain, but that's not a cool code name! SO! For this segment, we shall call him SUBARASHI-no-SUTEKI-yo-SAIKYO-o-TENSAI-no-MENDOKUSAI-ni-AHO-to-BAKA-no-HENTAI-"

"Author will do, E-chan", the man at the end said, his slightly annoyed eyes hidden under the hood of his black jacket.

"Right! Author will do, for I fear whatever he has in mind for punishment is a hell of a lot worse, not to mention disgustingly sick, than the worst Nabeshin or Rikudo has ever thrown at us! Now, a word from Ha-chan!", the blonde finally finished and turned to Ha-chan, who looked back, turned blue, dripped blood out of the corner of her lips and promptly fainted. Or died. "Um…Iz-chan…", Hanako Doshkoi threw a glance at Iz-chan.

"-sigh- All right, all right…"

flip

"There, good as new", Iz-chan said as the scene was reset to just a few seconds ago, minus a dead woman.

"Arasenpai. Did I faint again?", Ha-chan asked.

"No. You died. Now, get on with the announcing thingy", The author said calmly, though impatience clearly oozed out of him.

"RIGHT! As I said before, allow me to explain! THAT ONE!", E-chan said and pointed to Shinji. "Is the Subbed Shinji! THAT ONE!", she pointed to the other Shinji. "Is the Dubbed Shinji!", E-chan exclaimed.

"Right…so…what does that mean?", Toji, who had miraculously healed due to a plot hole and had walked up to the referee's table, asked her.

"Eh?", E-chan sweat-dropped.

"He said, what does that mean?", Asuka, who had also miraculously healed due to the same plot hole, said.

"Eh…", E-chan turned to Author.

"It means exactly what it means. Your Shinji is the one with the original Japanese voice. The other one was the one used for the American television", Author replied.

"Right! What he said!", E-chan turned to Asuka and Toji.

"…I don't get it", Toji scratched his head.

"Me neither", Asuka frowned. The author sighed and muttered something around the lines of 'wastin' my fuckin' precious time' before snapping his left fingers. A cloud of smoke instantly appeared close to him. Toji and Asuka watched and gaped as the smoke cleared.

"AAAAAHHHHHH! I'TS A DOPPELGANGER!", Asuka screamed as she pointed towards an exact replica of her emerging from the smoke, who was doing the same.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M GOING TO DIE! MOMMY! MOMMY! HELP ME! NO! KAJI!", the other Asuka screamed back in a slightly less shrill voice. No one knew how she spoke without moving her wide-open-mouth.

"O-O-O-O-O-O-O-"

"HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-"

"KE!-KE!-KE!-KE!", the two Tojis shout out, never really completing the word they're supposed to say.

"Get it now?", Author asked while the four continued screaming.

"I don't think they're listening", E-chan said.

"…Damn them all to hell…", Author said and clicked his fingers again. All four Tojis and Asukas instantly disappeared from the scene.

"Arawhere did they go?", Ha-chan asked, and Author pointed his back with his right thumb and forward with his right index finger, in that order.

A few rows up behind them, where the other NERV members were sitting, Asuka and Toji suddenly appeared, screaming and kicking, right where they were sitting before Author appeared. The other Asuka and Toji appeared on the other side of the ring across Author in the same condition as the previous Asuka and Toji. Not 3 seconds later, 4 anvils appeared on top of each of their heads and knocked them out.

"Wow, Author! You really like abusing your powers, don't you?!", E-chan proclaimed.

"Sure do. Now get the fight started before I decide to use one on you", Author curtly said.

"YESSIR! LET THE FIGHT BEGIN!", E-chan shouted loudly and put her right hand up.

Out of nowhere, the dings of a boxing match's bell resounded through the hall. I mean it. There was no bell in sight. Unless you count the one in my head, of course.

Shinji and Shinji leapt back and got into their battle stances, which are virtually identical to each other.

"OOORRRYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAA!", Shinji roared and charged forward.

"YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!", Shinji shouted and charged forward.

The two met each other in a furious clash and-

"OOOOHHHH! Shinji is going for Shinji! Shinji right hook! Shinji duck! Shinji kick! Shinji sway! Shinji punch! Shinji block! Shinji throw back! Shinji chased! Shinji haymaker! Shinji miss! Shinji gut punch! Shinji deflect! Shinji elbow! Shinji deflect! Again! Shinji knee chop! Shinji sweep! Shinji jump! Shinji stomp! Shinji Roll! ShiIIIIII'MMMM FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!"

"I really wished I didn't have to do that…", Author said as he let go of the end rope he held in his left hand. The other end was headed towards the ceiling. There was a square black hole where Hanako Doshkoi was sitting, and a resounding splash came out of the hole after 10 minutes, complete with screams of 'aahh, it's not just crocodiles this time' and 'no, not those tentacles again'.

"Ara, Senpai, are you all right?", Ha-chan asked towards the hole…er, square, on the ground.

"Do not worry, my junior! I have survived far worse than this in Master Ilpallazo's service!", E-chan yelled back.

"I don't think so", Author said as he leaned back in his chair.

"Huh? Hey, wait, where's that tentacle-whoa-wait! No! Not there!", E-chan's voice floated.

"Senpai?", Ha-chan peered into the square, but couldn't see anything due to its depth.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO! MY VIRGINITY!", E-chan screamed as the author snickered and pulled the rope to close the trapdoor, shutting out Hanako Doshkoi's screams.

Meanwhile, in the ring, the 2 Shinjis were circling around each other after the initial contact, waiting for an opening. The audience held their breath.

"Not bad, impostor!", Shinji, our Shinji, growled.

"That's my line!", the other Shinji growled in response…well, tried to, but ended up sounding like a whiny teenager, which is exactly what Shinji was before I got to him. (Another Fic Shinji: Hey! I resent that!)

"Prepare yourself!", Shinji roared and charged forward.

"YAAAAHHH!", the other Shinji rushed to meet him.

Shinji threw out a right punch, which was blocked by the other Shinji with his left elbow. The other Shinji, henceforth referred to as Shinji 2, threw out a right hook in response, which was blocked by Shinji with his left forearm. From there, both Shinjis grabbed a part of the other's gi where they could reach them. Shinji grabbed the right collar and left sleeve while Shinji 2 grabbed the left sleeve and right collar.

"SEEIIIII!", Shinji roared as he tried to send Shinji 2 flying with a turning hip throw.

"HAAAA!", Shinji 2 shouts as he tried the same, only succeeding in neutralizing both moves and they returned to their original position.

Shinji 2 immediately let go of Shinji's collar and latched onto Shinji's left wrist. He immediately went into an ippon zeoi.

Shinji followed the motion, landing on both feet as he descended from the apex, his left arm crossed with Shinji 2's throat. Grabbing his left sleeve with his right arm, he forcefully pulled Shinji 2 to the ground.

Shinji 2 followed the momentum and landed on both feet like Shinji. Once on the ground, he immediately pried himself out of Shinji's arms and delivered a quick side thrust kick with his left leg.

Shinji raised both hands up in a cross block and let himself float backwards to lessen the impact.

"Kick of Anger!", Shinji 2 roared as he launched a flying kick towards Shinji, his legs enveloped in red aura.

"IKARI PUNCH!" Shinji roared as he countered with a dashing punch, his right hand enveloped in blue aura.

There was a loud boom as Shinji's right punch met Shinji 2's flying kick and the 2 fighters were thrown backwards from the impact.

The two fighters wasted no time in charging forward as soon as they could. The two met in the center of the ring in a flurry of punches and kicks too fast and numerous to be written here in too much detail. Besides, they were stirring up dust which really blocks my view.

Their movements suddenly stopped and the dust around them settled, revealing them to be locked in the middle of counter blows. Shinji's right wrist was in Shinji 2's right grip very close to his face while the latter's left wrist was gripped in the former's left grip in a similar position.

"HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", Shinji roared loudly as his body was gradually enveloped in blue aura.

"YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!", Shinji 2 yelled loudly as his was engulfed in red aura.

A loud crack resonated through the hall as both combatants' grips were forcefully thrown off by the expanding aura.

"Well…this could be bad…", Author said as he slowly sidled away from the edge of the ring, followed by pretty much everyone else.

"This is not good", Tatsuya commented from his seat, his arms crossed in front of him.

"Why do you say that?", Ritsuko asked, not taking her eyes off the ring.

"If they continue to fight like this, one of them may die", Tatsuya replied.

"Shouldn't we try to stop them if that is the case?", Misato asked.

"It's impossible to stop those who have already gone to that level", Tatsuya said as he got up and started towards the ring. "The only thing that can be done is to try to keep the loser alive, or make sure one's victory comes quickly", he finished.

Meanwhile, in the ring, both Shinjis rushed towards their opponent, their entire body enveloped in aura. Shinji 2 threw a fast straight right, almost invisible to the naked eye. Shinji immediately deflected it with his left forearm and countered with an equally fast right gut punch.

Shinji 2 deflected this with his left forearm and immediately used the same hand to perform a knife hand strike towards Shinji's temple. The latter ducked his head to dodge and simultaneously brings his left elbow slashing down towards Shinji 2's collarbone.

Shinji 2 continued with his strike and used his left palm to deflect the elbow while at the same time chambering a right gut punch. Shinji had done the same and was preparing to strike.

"IKARI DAIHO KEN!", Shinji roared as he stepped in and delivered the punch.

"ANGER'S REVERSE CANNON PUNCH!", Shinji 2 roared back as he stepped back and delivered his punch.

Both attacks clashed with a loud boom…or BOOM, if you're tired of the small letter case sound effect, and both combatants were thrown backwards. They immediately started circling around each other and rushed forward when the moment came. Both of them struck with their palms, which immediately met halfway through the attacks with a resounding crash, forcing both combatants closer as they pushed against each other.

"NOT BAD, IMPOSTOR!", Shinji roared.

"THAT'S MY LINE!", Shinji 2 roared back.

"SHINJI!", Tatsuya shouted from the edge of the ring, and both Shinjis immediately turned to him. "REMEMBER YOUR TRAINING IN CHINA!", he shouts again.

Shinji started to blush while Shinji 2 looked confused.

"China?", Shinji 2 asked.

"Uncle Tatsuya! I can't do it when I'm sober!", Shinji shouted back.

"Don't worry about that! That's why I'm here!", Author yelled with a wicked smile and pulled another rope hanging from the ceiling.

"Eh?", was all both Shinjis managed to say before they were dunked in very strong-

"AAAH! What is this?!", Shinji 2 shouted as he released Shinji's hands and started shaking himself dry. "…Rice wine?", he said to himself as he smelled the thick liquid.

"…"

"Rice wine?", Hayata wondered aloud from his seat right next to the still unconscious Toji and Asuka, with Rei on the other side of the pair. "…Don't tell me…", he continued, a sweat drop starting to roll down his face.

"..."

"…What's wrong with Shinji?", Misato said to no one in particular.

"I have no idea", Ritsuko answered. Kaji, meanwhile, was chuckling.

"What are you laughing about?", Misato asked with an annoyed expression on her face.

"Nothing. I just thought you would know what's going on more than any of us", he answered and pointed at Shinji, who had begun swaying slightly where he stood.

"…Wait a minute…you don't mean…", Ritsuko started, but was unable to finish. So ridiculous was that idea.

"…Hic", a sound emanated from Shinji's lips, confirming Ritsuko's ridiculous but true idea.

In the ring, Shinji continued to sway and eventually stagger in place, somehow managing to stay on his feet despite the fact that he is standing on nothing but his toes and was tangling his own feet up with his erratic steps.

"…H, hey, are you OK?", the referee in the ring, forgotten until now, asked Shinji. The latter waved dismissively.

"I'mHICfine…heh...HIC!", he smiled stupidly. The referee turned towards the bench referee, which would be the Author, and looked questioningly at him. The latter simply nodded. After another few seconds, the referee shrugged and motioned for both combatants to resume the fight.

"HaaAAAAHHHH!", Shinji 2 roared as his red aura returned while Shinji continued grinning like an idiot.

"Hey, this doesn't look good…", Ritsuko commented as she came up behind Tatsuya, who merely laughed.

"LET'S GO!", Shinji 2 yelled and rushed forward with a right punch.

Shinji continued grinning and staggering.

"GOTCHA!", Shinji 2 smiled in triumph as his fist came closer to Shinji's face.

That smile disappeared the next second as Shinji swayed drunkenly away from the fist and launched several lightning fast strikes with the back of his hands and fingers which hit Shinji 2 squarely in the nose, mouth, eyes, and chest.

"UGH! What the hell?!", Shinji 2 wondered aloud as he retreated and rubbed his stinging face and chest. Shinji meanwhile, continued to stagger, his 2 hands stretched in front of him, his fingers curled up as if holding a cup of wine with his arms slightly bent as if he was hugging a big jar.

"I knew it…", Hayata sighed.

"Hey, Kaji…is that…?", Misato asked.

"Yep. The one thing Dub Shinji can never do because of censors…", Kaji began dramatically, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Drunken fist", Tatsuya concluded Kaji's sentence, Ritsuko standing wide eyed right behind him.

"Hiccoooome on", Shinji said drunkenly, beckoning Shinji 2 to attack with his left hand.

"YEEAAAHHHH! ANGER KICK!", Shinji 2 yelled as he attacked with a flying kick.

"HIC", was what came out of Shinji's mouth as he leaned back, grabbed Shinji 2's pants, and pulled in a circular motion with his waist, throwing the latter against the mat.

Shinji 2, not anticipating the attack, was slammed to the mat. Shinji wasted no time and went down after him with a full body slam, his right hand stretched out to dampen the impact should he miss.

"ARGH!", Shinji 2 shouted in pain as Shinji's attack connected. The former quickly pushed Shinji off and got to his feet, clutching his damaged left ribcage.

"Hic! Have some wine!", Shinji hiccupped with a grin as he staggered around the ring in his drunken stance, his outstretched hands moving in quick, erratic horizontal circles.

"Damn you…I shall not be defeated!", Shinji 2 yelled as his red aura came back and he charged forward with a right haymaker. Shinji quickly bent his body backwards while his right foot lashed out in a front kick to Shinji 2's stomach, his arms deflecting the blow upwards.

Shinji 2 quickly blocked the kick with his left forearm.

Shinji wound up his arms, forcing Shinji 2 to move further forward than he planned, ruining his balance. While Shinji 2 tried to recover, Shinji pivoted his body forward, bringing his hands down towards Shinji 2's face while his right leg kicked backwards to provide balance.

Shinji 2 blocked the hands with his left forearm and pushed them back to make Shinji lose his balance. Shinji staggered backwards and the former rushed in to attack. Before Shinji 2 could do anything, however, Shinji swung out with his forearms, bent like they were holding a big jar of wine. Shinji 2 quickly blocked this, but was unable to defend himself when Shinji stepped forward with his back foot and swung out towards his stomach, and the attack connected with a thud.

Shinji 2 doubled over and Shinji quickly lifted his feet off the ground, spun horizontally once, kicked Shinji 2 with both feet in the face while spinning, and staggered up in one fluid, awkward motion.

Shinji 2, meanwhile, was blown backwards by the kick and was dragged a few meters on the mat with a loud screech.

"…Screech?", Misato wondered to herself.

"He's running out of sound effects", Kaji explained calmly.

"Who?", Misato asked.

"That guy", Kaji pointed to the sitting author.

"Oh", Misato nodded.

Meanwhile, Shinji staggered quickly towards Shinji 2, who had gotten up and was also rushing towards Shinji.

"Eat this!", Shinji 2 yelled as he threw a right roundhouse high kick, which Shinji avoided by bending his head backwards. Not stopping there, Shinji 2 drew back the leg in midswing and threw out a side thrust kick with the same leg. Shinji avoided this by bending his torso and throwing his hip back.

Shinji 2 quickly retracted his leg and, to his surprise, Shinji followed at the exact same speed and managed to encircle his arms around the former's head.

"Come on! HIC! Let's DANCE!", Shinji roared with a drunk grin and hit Shinji 2's head with the inside of his left forearm, which caused the latter's head to fly straight into Shinji's right inner forearm, where it immediately bounced back to the left, and so on as Shinji kept up a rippling horizontal circular motion with his arms, bouncing Shinji 2's head between his arms.

After several rotations, Shinji opened up his arms, bouncing Shinji 2 out of the rotation. The latter staggered after so many concussions while Shinji's hands started to glow with blue aura.

"Aaaahh...my head...", Shinji 2 mumbled while Shinji quickly advanced on his position.

"HIC!A CUP OF WHIINE FOR YOU!", Shinji shouted as his hands flew towards Shinji 2's body, hitting the latter quickly in vital areas in a chaotic but orderly stagger. Shinji 2, stunned from the earlier attack, was unable to put up any kind of defense.

"ONE LAST CUP! HIC! COME AND HAVE A DRINK!" Shinji roared a final time as he threw his body forward like a spinning torpedo, hitting Shinji 2 many times during the spin with his arms and ending with a headbutt propelled with the momentum of the spin.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", Shinji 2 yelled as the last attack connected and he was thrown out of the ring, landing hard on the floor.

"WINNER! SUB SHINJI!", Excel Excel (you have to know who this was by now, right?) announced from her seat, dripping wet (with water and some other…unmentionables…) and punching the air above her head with pom poms.

"Ara Senpai. You're back", Hyatt demurely turned to the girl mentioned above this line.

"YES, HA-CHAN! And let us never speak of whatever was in there…", Excel replied, continuing her victory dance.

Back in the spectator's seat, Misato and Kaji looked on with a sense of wonder. Not because Shinji won. We all know that would happen. No, they're wondering if they had finally gotten numb to the author's gimmicks as she felt no excitement in seeing Shinji's victory.

"YEEHICAAAHH!", Shinji roared in victory as the crowd broke into applause. Not for his victory, but for the fact that this long-ass chapter is FINALLY coming to an end. YIPPEEKAYAY!

"…Well…this is pretty generic…", Ritsuko said as Tatsuya clapped and congratulated Shinji beside her.

"Don't worry about that", a voice suddenly floated from her left, and she turned her head in surprise to find the author standing right to her left. "Things are still going to get a bit more interesting", he grinned evilly and disappeared before the blonde doctor could say anything. How did he disappear, you ask? Um…author power.

"All right! Shinji! You are indeed my best stu-OH GOD! STOP! SHINJI! NO!", Tatsuya cried out beside her and she turned her head to get a look at just what is getting our OC all flustered. She froze.

So did Hayata, Misato, Kaji, and everyone else except for Rei and Hikari, who were blushing madly, and Kensuke, who was getting it all on tape.

On the ring danced Shinji.

Topless Shinji.

Bottomless Shinji.

Stark naked Shinji.

Shinji with a life-size fireman's hose for a penis and tennis balls for…well, balls…

And the crowd goes wild…

A week later…

"So, how is Shinji?", Ritsuko asked Misato who was sitting across her. They were in the Katsuragi residence. Kaji and Tatsuya occupied the other 2 sides of the square dining table.

"Not too bad, actually. He still goes to school as usual", Misato replied while Ritsuko sipped her coffee, specially brewed, of course.

"Well, that's good to hear. I would have expected him to lock himself up in his room for days", Tatsuya said, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Actually…", Kaji stated hesitantly.

"…How long?", Tatsuya turned to Misato.

"All of one hour. He came out when I told him skipping school is not something a virtuous defender of justice would ever do", Misato sighed.

"And that he won the tournament and that is all that matters", Kaji added.

"Well, that's Shinji for you", Tatsuya chuckled.

"Speaking of which…shouldn't he be home right about now?", Ritsuko asked.

"Yes. That might be him", Misato said as a faint rumbling sound approached the apartment.

"…Are you sere that's him? It sounds like more than 10 people are running down the hall out there", Tatsuya asked as he stood up cautiously.

A second later, Shinji burst into the room and immediately slammed the door behind him.

"PREPARE FOR BATTLE!", Shinji roared as he struggled to keep the door closed against whatever deviously evil mass is on the other side.

Misato was about to ask what he meant when the entire wall behind Shinji cracked and throngs of girls started pouring into the room, trying to claw at Shinji.

"STAY AWAY!", Shinji roared as he leapt away from them and retreated to where Tatsuya was standing.

"WHAT THE HELL?!", Misato screamed, her hands ready to pull out some of her purple locks.

"IT'S A FANGIRL ATTACK!", Kaji yelled and reached for his handgun.

"SHHIIINJIIIIIIKUUUUNNNNNN! MARRY MEEEEEEEEEEE!", the girls called out as one in an unbelievably sugary voice that not even Asuka could top.

"AAAHHHHH! THE EVIL CUTENESS! DO SOMETHING!", Ritsuko shouted, shielding her ears and eyes.

"LEAVE IT TO ME!", Tatsuya said and pulled out his goggles and aligned them towards the girls. A bright flash emanated from the goggles and the girls were left in stunned silence. A second later, they screamed as one and, as abruptly as they had come in, fled the scene.

"…What did you do?", Ritsuko asked.

"Just a bit of mental projection", Tatsuya said with a sigh.

"Thank you, uncle Tatsuya", Shinji said with a grateful smile.

"Don't mention it…", Tatsuya replied.

"…My apartment…", Misato squeaked, drawing their attention.

"Uh…Misato…are you…", Kaji started, and stopped immediately when he noticed just how dark and stormy the air around her had become.

"Well, this looks pretty bad…", Ritsuko said, increasing the dark and storminess around Misato.

"Don't worry! We can always use the reward money from the tournament to fix this!", Shinji said cheerfully, which cleared the air around Misato.

"…Well…Shinji about that…", Kaji began, unsure how to proceed without being killed by Misato.

"Remember your first training lesson, Shinji?", Ritsuko asked, and Shinji nodded. "Well, all the reward money had been used to fix that gaping hole you made, as well as the one you created when training with Asuka", the former explained.

"…Oh…", Shinji mumbled as his shoulders slumped, and Misato fainted dead away when a random stray pebble dropped from the ceiling onto her head. Kaji thanked the gods and a certain angel on a cross sneezed again.

'YAY! MORE FANS!'

End of chapter.

Finally.

I really don't have much to say here…well, all I can say is that one original Ultraman will appear after the next chapter.

And sorry the ending was so abrupt…and hopefully crazy…

And keep the reviews coming, I guess.