48Jessie and James write a fanfic
It was dark in the office. A patch of moonlight came in through a window, illuminating the desk on which a computer stood. The computer gave off its own light, of course, but it couldn't be seen, due to the two figures crowded around the desk.
"One would never have thought that guarding over the Boss' stolen plunder would be this boring!" James grumbled, tapping his fingers on the edge of the desk. His companion Jessie sighed.
"Yeah. And the Boss said this would be an honor! Honor, pfft. He just wants to bore the living crud out of us." Jessie plopped down on the chair, spinning about. "Look, I'm the Boss! Bow down before me or meet the wrath of my paper fan!"
James giggled and pushed her out, right onto the floor. "No way. I'm the Boss around here, and you shall bow down to me!" He spun around in the chair to face the computer, glancing at what was on the screen.
"Get a load of this! The Boss was at !" James snickered, staring at the buxom beauties displayed on screen. Jessie quickly got up off the floor, pushed the chair away, and closed the browser window on the computer. "Those pictures are just disgusting," she muttered, and signed off AOL. Playing Minesweeper for seven hours was more Jessie's cup of tea.
The chair, with James still in it, careened into a wall. "Hey! I was on the computer first! Give it back!"
"You weren't at the computer, you were just going through the Boss' open browser windows."
"Same thing!"
"Personally, I think I oughta be da one who gets da comp." The furry head of Meowth poked out from under the desk, ears twitching. "Cause you two morons are supposed to be guardin' the loot, not playin' dat asinine mine game."
Jessie, in the process of scrolling down the Microsoft scroll bar, turned to face the feline, releasing the mouse right when Microsoft Word was highlighted. "There is nothing wrong with Minesweeper, pussy."
"Pussy? I could call ya da same thing!" Meowth retorted, glaring at the screen. "And dose typin' programs are even worse.."
"Typing programs?" Jessie and James both said in the same breath, turning to face the screen. Microsoft Word had opened, and Rocky the Office Wonder Growlithe was declaring the tip of the day. Jessie closed his window, and Rocky bounded off with a jingle of license tags.
"Never knew you were a writer, Jessie," James remarked, glancing at the screen. "I am too. Say, why don't we write a story together? It'll give us something to do until morning comes and we can finally blow this Popsicle stand and go home."
"A writer? You?" Jessie exclaimed. "That's a good one. As for writing a story…well…I guess it wouldn't hurt as long as we don't save it."
"Alright," James sighed. "You first, Jessie. Type away."
It was a bright fine day in Viridian Forest. That gay little twerp,. Ass Ketchup, was walking along the road, singing a happie little song. Musty and Lacey were with him too, and they were singing the happie song too. Suddenly a big giant Charizard flew out of the sky and used Flame-thrower right on Musty. She was roasted. "Ahhh! NO! Not Musty!" Ass whined, bawling his little I's out
James glanced at what Jessie had typed. "You spelled 'happy' wrong," he observed, "And I's is supposed to be E-Y-E-S."
"It doesn't have to be perfect! If you're so perfect, why don't you type for a bit?"
"Fine!" With that, James took control of the keyboard.
It's EYES! Ass cried his little EYES out! Anyway, while Ass was bawling, who should come along but Team Rocket the great! Team Rocket the Magnificent! Team Rocket the beautiful! "HAND OVER THAT PIKACHU!" James the great shouted, staring at Ass. "NEVER!" the stupid little twerp shouted, quailing in his shoes. "I'm telling you, hand it over!" James the great reiterated, just in case Ass was slow, which he of course was. Suddenly James the great whipped out his unstoppable weapon, the paper fan. He hit Ass with it, and the little twerpy bastard cried out, dropping the Pikachu. And James the Stupendous, James the Wondrous, James the Great Snatcher of Pikachus, why, he managed to catch the little yellow creature before it hit the ground!"
Jessie chose that moment to wonder over, glancing at the screen. "Wait just a minute!" she exclaimed, reading over what James had typed. "Move it."
James got up from the chair. "Can't I write so well?" he asked.
"You can't write worth crud! I'll show you some REAL good writing."
Ignore that! The story doth lie! It was JESSIE the great who managed to capture that elusive yellow creature! With her paper fan, that beautiful, unstoppable weapon, she slapped the little twerp about, ripping the Pikachu right out of his arms!
James looked over Jessie's shoulder. "Bull!" he exclaimed, taking control of the keyboard.
IT WAS JAMES WHO CAPTURED THE PIKACHU!
Jessie glared at her companion. "LIAR!"
IT WAS JESSIE WHO CAPTURED THE PIKACHU! And she held the wiggling little beast in her hands, watching with glee as Ass attempted to pry it out of her hands! But with a kick in the groin, Ass backed off, leaving the glorious Team Rocket to their prize! Jessie looked down at the little animal in her hands. "Now that we have it…what the hell are we going to do with it?" James shuffled about and looked stupid, as usual. "We could feed it to Growly, he needs a little more protein in his diet." "THAT WOULD BE WASTING IT!" Jessie exclaimed, whacking James obisde the head with her paper fan.
James rushed over, aghast. "You make me sound stupid!" he exclaimed in shock.
Jessie sighed. "You are stupid, dear James."
James yanked the keyboard out from under Jessie's fingers, and resumed the story.
James got up, unharmed. "You missed," he said, "and I faked the fall. Now, for what to do with that Pikachu…the Boss always says there are three phases of what to do concerning snatched goods. 'Phase One – snatch Pikachu. Phase Two –" James shrugged his shoulders. "'Phase Three – Profit.'" "What's Phase Two?" Jessie asked. James sighed. "I don't know. No one knows."
"So if we don't know what Phase Two is, how can we tell what to do with this damn Pikachu?" Jessie asked. "Easy, my stupid friend. I, James of the high IQ, say that we sell the Pikachu on the black market!" "You're a genius, James!" Jessie exclaimed, throwing her arms around James' neck. "I shall worship you and your intelligence forever!" "Why thank you!" remarked James, beaming. "It's about time someone noticed how smart I was!"
Both Meowth and Jessie were staring at the screen with disgust. "You? Smart?" Meowth exclaimed. "Da day you prove dat you have an IQ higher dan 3 will be da day Britney Spears admits she's a dirty slut!"
James looked to his partner for support. "I agree with Meowth!" Jessie snapped back. Suddenly, the little feline leapt upon the keyboard and began to type away. Sadly, though, keyboards aren't designed for kitty paws, and anyone short of an expert cipher would have trouble reading Meowth's contribution.
ZZZXJKLXwedsdsfouiew asjknsd ZZZZJasemnsersdf sdiuccxklj aasdsasadxzCCC!
Jessie stared at the above gobbledygook. "What the hell?" she asked, a confused look on her face.
Meowth sighed. "I was sayin' 'Jessie and James suck ass!' but sure! Neither of you morons can read da perfect typin' of Meee-owth!"
Both Rockets snorted. "Perfect typing, indeed!" Jessie snickered. "Lemme on now!" With that, she took control of the keyboard once again.
Jessie finally noticed that she was hugging James * the horror! * and let go immediately, "We don't sell the Pikachu on the black market!" she said in disgust. "We cook it and make Ass eat it!" "Isn't that a little over the edge – even for Team Rocket?" James asked, looking clueless. Jessie slaps him. "NOTHING is too evil for Team Rocket!" she retorted. "And I actually know how we can kill it. Bash it over the head with a rock!" James looked incredulous. "Such a wonderful idea! You, Jessie, are the only one with such brilliance to come up with it!" Jessie looked modest. "Twas nothin'," she said simply. With that, she grabbed a rock and retrieved the yellow rat. "Can I do it?" James asked. Jessie glared. "Someone with brains has to do this," she told him. "You could miss and it could get away!"
James read the above. "I'm not TOO stupid, you know."
Jessie looked horrified. "You? Not stupid? Not only are you stupid, you also won't admit to your sexual orientation!"
James pouted. "Just cause I like to wear dresses doesn't mean I'm gay. Now, gimmie that keyboard!"
James darted out in front of Jessie, a rock in HIS hand. "This is man's work!" he stated, waving the rock aloft over the cowering, terrified Pikachu. Jessie backed off to watch the man do the man's work, and James glared down at his target. Then, with a quick sweep of the sharp end of his piece of slate, he slit the throat of the miserable creature! "There! The Pikachu is slayed. Now I shall skin it!" And thus he did.
Jessie sighed. "James, you could never kill anything. You're too much of a big-ass baby. And besides, you're hardly a man. Let me type and make this scene accurate!"
Jessie watched James struggling with ripping the skin off the body. "Jes-sie! I can't get it off, I can't get it off! But I wanna make a pair of dainty little gloves out of it! Help!" Jessie knocked the stupid idiot out of the way. "I'll do it!" She skinned the body with ease, than cut the meat off the bones. "Go cook this up, will you?" she asked James. "Should appeal to a little girly-boy like you." James eagerly gathered up the bloody hunks of meat and ran off to the grill, while Jessie sat about with a copy of War and Peace. "Should get some light reading done while I wait for that idiot to finish cooking it," she sighed, and began reading.
James was not pleased.
James glared down at the bloody hunks of Pikachu flesh he was to cook. Or rather, he would cook them if he knew how to turn on the grill. Cooking was girly work, so he never bothered to learn how to do it. With a sigh, he fiddled with it for a while until he finally managed to turn the gas on. The little blue flame flared brightly. Then he wrestled with a few more dials while he waited for the charcoal to heat up.
Jessie took the keyboard.
The story is a horrible liar. James knew how to cook perfectly well, and he did so, until the flesh was nice and rare. It smelled delicious, but they both knew it was meant for the twerp, Ass. When it was done, James put it on a platter and carried it over to Jessie. "Jessie, look! It's done!" "I can see, you idiot!" Jessie said. "Now all we have to do is find the twerp!" Ass came along soon later. "Ass – I mean, Ash – we're sorry for all the bad things we do to you. So we decided to cook you up a nice Tauros steak for your dinner! Invite Lacey – Tracy – too." The little drawing twerp came along, and they sat them down on a log. "Eat this Tauros steak," Jessie told the two. "We worked hard to cook it for you!" They did, and Ass commented on how perfectly delicious it was. Then we told him it was his Pikachu he had eaten. Both Ass and Lacey choked and died. Thus Jessie and James were rid of the twerps forever. The end."
Both Rockets grinned when reading the story. "Wasn't that the best story ever written? Excellent! Wonderful! Superb! A brilliant example of excellent storytelling!" They would have gone on forever if the Boss hadn't suddenly come along…
"Jessie! James! What the hell is this on my computer?"
THE END!