12Young Chagnystein
A Parody
Part I of III
1. - EXT. DAY - LONDON CLUB
RAOUL is standing outside a London club, talking to a group of his friends.
RAOUL
And that is why no one in my family ever, ever, ever goes near a haunted opera house under any circumstances.
MESSENGER
You've just inherited a haunted opera house from your grandfather.
RAOUL
Oh, goody. I'm off. Toodles!
2. - EXT. NIGHT – PARIS TRAIN STATION
FIRMAN
You must be the Viscomte de Shanyee.
RAOUL
It's pronounced "Chagny". Hard "ch"; rhymes with "Cagney". And you must be Monsieur Firman.
FIRMAN
It's spelt "Firman", but it's pronounced "Throat-Warbler Mangrove".
RAOUL
If you say so.
FIRMAN
My grandfather used to work for your grandfather.
RAOUL
My grandfather's work was doo-doo!
FIRMAN
Your grandfather never worked.
RAOUL
Oh…right.
RAOUL throws his SUITCASE in the back of FIRMAN's ride, which, is inexplicably, a HAY WAGON. FIRMAN is, also inexplicably, a HUNCHBACK.
HAY WAGON
Oof!
FIRMAN
That'll be CHRISTINE.
CHRISTINE pops up from the back, wearing a SKIMPY HAREM GIRL OUTFIT.
CHRISTINE
Would you care for a roll in ze 'ay? It's fun, look! Roll, roll, roll in ze 'ay…
RAOUL
YES!
FIRMAN (grabbing him)
NO! That is, you have work to do, Master – I mean, Viscomte.
3. - EXT. NIGHT – ON THE ROAD
RAOUL
Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back?
FIRMAN
Wrong movie.
RAOUL
Oh. Well, there's a guy with a hump in that one, too.
FIRMAN
What hump?
RAOUL
Right. At least I don't have to do that stupid "Where wolf?" joke.
A WOLF howls.
RAOUL
I don't care, I'm still not doing it.
4. - EXT. NIGHT – OPERA HOUSE DOOR
FRAU GIRY opens the door.
GIRY
Good evening. I am Frau Giry.
HORSES neigh.
CHRISTINE (to RAOUL)
I think you were supposed to compliment my knockers.
RAOUL
But that makes no sense in context.
CHRISTINE
Or do the 'Little Lotte' thing!
RAOUL
But we've already met!
CHRISTINE sulks.
RAOUL
Lead the way, Frau Giry.
HORSES neigh.
FIRMAN
There is only one Cesar!
GIRY, RAOUL, and CHRISTINE turn to look at him.
FIRMAN
Sorry – reflex.
GIRY, RAOUL, and CHRISTINE nod understandingly.
5. - INT. NIGHT – OPERA HOUSE STAIRCASE
RAOUL
Why are we all sleeping in the opera house?
GIRY (Ignoring this)
Stay close to ze candles, Monsieur le Viscomte de Shanyee…
RAOUL
It's pronounced "Chagny". Hard "ch"; rhymes with "Cagney".
GIRY (Ignoring that, too)
…Ze stairway can be treacherous. Also, keep your hand at the level of your eyes.
RAOUL
But why, Frau Giry?
HORSES neigh.
GIRY
Because it looks funny, and it makes me laugh. Zis is as far up as I dare go.
RAOUL
But I'm only going to the bathroom!
GIRY
Once you see our plumbing, you'll understand.
6. - INT. NIGHT – RAOUL'S BEDROOM
CHRISTINE, wearing a CORSET over a FILMY WHITE NEGLIGEE, runs into the room.
CHRISTINE
Oh, Viscomte! I was having a nacht-mare!
RAOUL
We're not German, we're French!
CHRISTINE (puzzled)
Are you sure? I think I'm supposed to be Swedish. But we both sound American, and you came from London, and FRAU GIRY is the only one with a French accent, but her name is German…
RAOUL
You're making my head hurt.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Insolent boy! This slave of fashion…
RAOUL
You're not in this yet!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE (Sulkily)
Fine. Just check out the secret passage behind the mirror – er, bookcase. And keep your hands…
RAOUL
…at the level of my eyes. I know.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
…off of CHRISTINE.
CHRISTINE beams. RAOUL frowns.
RAOUL and CHRISTINE check out the secret passage. Mysterious music follows them.
CHRISTINE
The Phantom of the Opera is here, inside my mind!
RAOUL
No, it's just him.
RAOUL points at FIRMAN, who is following them, playing mysterious music on a violin.
CHRISTINE
Rats.
Several RATS run across the passage.
CHRISTINE
I didn't mean it literally!