12Young Chagnystein
A Parody
Part III of III
11. - INT. DAY – OPERA HOUSE ENTRANCE HALL
CARLOTTA enters. RAOUL and FIRMAN groan.
CARLOTTA (To RAOUL)
It is I, your spoiled, overdressed, imperious fiancée!
RAOUL
You've got to be kidding me. I bet those two are singing loudly in each others' faces, even as we speak!
CARLOTTA (To FIRMAN)
Which two?
FIRMAN
Long story.
RAOUL
I must rescue her!
FIRMAN
Are you sure she wants –
RAOUL
That man – that thing – is not her father!
FIRMAN
I think she knows –
RAOUL
You stay here!
RAOUL runs off.
FIRMAN
I'll…just stay here then, shall I?
CARLOTTA glances at FIRMAN speculatively.
FIRMAN (Firmly)
No way.
CARLOTTA
Oh well. Bring me flowers, chocolates, diamonds, and small dogs, and then you can drink grape juice from my shoe while I treat you like dirt. It'll be fun!
FIRMAN groans.
12. - INT. DAY – LAIR
The PHANTOM, in his madness, has carried CHRISTINE off and forced her to change clothing against her will. She now wears a FRILLY DRESS.
PHANTOM (To CHRISTINE)
This face which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me the joys of the flesh!
CHRISTINE
It's really not that bad, you know.
PHANTOM
Really?
CHRISTINE
Honest. There are tons of phansites about you on the internet.
PHANTOM (Brightening)
No kidding?
RAOUL enters, out of breath.
PHANTOM
Monsieur, I bid you welcome. Did you think that I would harm her?
RAOUL
No, I was more afraid you'd be snogging madly.
CHRISTINE and the PHANTOM glance down at the ground, guiltily.
RAOUL
I knew it!
The PHANTOM lassos RAOUL and then ties him to a HANDY GRATE, which has just come down behind him.
RAOUL (To CHRISTINE)
Next time I want to wear the dress and you can get lashed to the grate!
CHRISTINE
If you think that's so easy, you try lip-synching in a corset, buddy!
RAOUL
At least you're not all wet!
CHRISTINE
Neither are you.
RAOUL
Oh.
PHANTOM
Done?
CHRISTINE and RAOUL nod.
PHANTOM
Good. So do you end your days with ME or do you send him to his GRAVE?
RAOUL
Ow.
CHRISTINE
You.
PHANTOM and RAOUL
What?
CHRISTINE
Phantom-chu, I choose you! Let's go, ghost-boy.
PHANTOM
Boy howdy!
The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE embrace, and walk off, arm in arm.
PHANTOM
Wait till I show you my repertoire of cape twirls. You'll love 'em.
CHRISTINE
Ooh! Next you'll be telling me you have a boat!
PHANTOM
Well, as a matter of fact…
The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE exit. CARLOTTA enters the LAIR to find RAOUL still lashed to the HANDY GRATE.
RAOUL
How did you find this place?
CARLOTTA
Are you kidding? There are signs everywhere. Also, I 'ate my 'at!
RAOUL
What does that have to do with anything?
CARLOTTA
Nothing. I just like saying it.
RAOUL
…Untie me?
CARLOTTA
Hmm…eventually.
CARLOTTA eyes RAOUL speculatively. RAOUL groans.
RAOUL
Who said this wasn't a horror film?
13. - INT. DAY – OPERA HOUSE ENTRANCE HALL
ANDRE enters.
ANDRE
Anyone home?
FIRMAN
Finally!
ANDRE
I like to be fashionably late, you know.
ANDRE and FIRMIN embrace. ANDRE pulls a SOFA CUSHION out from under the back of FIRMAN's shirt, which has been giving the impression that FIRMAN is a HUNCHBACK.
ANDRE
…I won't ask.
FIRMAN
Thank you.
RAOUL and CARLOTTA enter. CARLOTTA is making kissy-noises at RAOUL. RAOUL looks haggard.
RAOUL (Looking at FIRMAN and ANDRE)
At least some people got a happy ending!
ANDRE
Something for everyone!
RAOUL
A tragedy tonight!
ANDRE and FIRMAN embrace again. CARLOTTA tries to embrace RAOUL, who tries to avoid her.
14. - EXT. DAY – OPERA HOUSE ROOF
The PHANTOM and CHRISTINE are embracing in tha shadow of one of the statues on the roof. PULL BACK to reveal FRAU GIRY in the foreground, playing mysterious music on the violin…for no adequately explained reason.
THE END