Title: Oh, That Was Smooth
Rating: Let's say a Humorous "M"
Warnings: Dark Arts, voyeurism, wanking, mentions of slash and het, semi-non-graphic descriptions of nakedness…oh yes, and the author's odd sense of humour.
Summary: Harry and Ron find out why Hermione is sneaking off to the Astronomy Tower one night.
Chapter #: One-Shot
Disclaimer: Characters and setting are not mine, you should know that. The "plot" is mine though.
A/N: I am definitely planning on this being a one-shot. Though if you want a sequel, I might be persuaded. It depends.
A/N 2: If you don't like it, fine, but please don't flame.
Oh, That Was Smooth
"Watch where you're stepping." hissed a peevish voice.
"I can't help it that you're in my way you sodding prick," a second voice hissed back, equally annoyed "we just aren't the same size we used to be when we were 12."
"You just had to rub that in," the first voice mumbled. The second was instantly contrite.
"Nah mate, come on, you know I didn't mean it that way. I mean, it's not your fault you're relatives starved you." There was that pity again.
"Yeah, well…let's get on with it, we're loosing her," the first voice mumbled back, dismissing the pity he didn't want.
They crept along, hunched under Harry Potter's infamous invisibility cloak, careful not to make too much noise, lest their prey hear them. Suddenly one of them tripped over the hem of the cloak.
"Blast!" Harry exclaimed quietly. "Ron, what'd you do that for?" He asked, quickly re-arranging the cloak to cover them up again.
"I didn't do it a-purpose!" Ron protested. "It's just that-that-" He made a gurgling sound and Harry poked him in the ribs.
"What!" Ron took a deep, fortifying breath.
"She'sgoingtotheastronomytower!" Harry looked at him for a moment before deciphering what his best mate was trying to say.
Ron looked at him like he was the densest being in the world (and that was saying something, since he usually was quite adamant that Crabbe and Goyle were tied for the title.) He spoke slowly so that Harry could follow him.
"Mate, there's only ONE reason that students go to the Astronomy Tower after curfew, and," he added, seeing that Harry was about to protest "it's not for extra-credit in Astronomy." At Harry's continuing blank look Ron finally exploded. "SHE'S GOING UP THERE TO SHAG SOME BLOKE! OKAY?"
"EEP!" said Harry.
"Fuck!" said Ron softly.
"STUDENTS OUT OF BED!" taunted the poltergeist who had been following them. It came out as a quiet, girly scream.
"PLEASE PEEVES!" the boys exclaimed! "We'll do ANYTHING! Just don't do that!" Peeves cackled, bartered for the souls of their firstborns and left them to their mischief as he went of singing to himself.
"Ginny's going to kill me." Mumbled Harry, who was getting married to said gal after school. Unfortunate for him, Ron heard.
"You sold the soul of my sister's first child to that thing!" He roared quietly (they were still in the middle of the hallway post-curfew after all.) "You MONSTER!"
"What? How is that different from you selling your own firstborn's soul?" Harry inquired spitefully. Ron opened his mouth to retort but found that he could just stand there, gapping like a fish. At length, he closed his mouth and snarled.
"Let's get on with it." And they headed off to catch Hermione, whom they had almost certainly lost during their spat.
It turned out that Ron was right, and she had been headed for the Astronomy Tower. Harry gulped and turned bright red.
"Fuck." He mumbled.
"Yeah, she probably is." Ron agreed due to the Weasley sense of troublemaking with a half-smile as he watched Harry sputter and turn even redder, if that was possible.
Grinning, he pulled his friend up the never-ending stairs with him. At long last, they reached the top, and entered the observation platform, only to find that Hermione was alone. They hoped fervently that whoever had been coming to meet her hadn't heard them arguing in the hall or worse yet, run into Peeves. They quietly moved over to the wall, well away from the door, and made themselves as comfortable as they could and sat down to wait.
Instead of watching Hermione get naked in preparation for her lover (which Ron was secretly hoping she'd do,) Hermione started to lay out what looked to be preparations for a spell. Harry poked him and he turned his head to look at him, but he was just staring in shock at Hermione, who had just pulled some odd looking object from her knapsack.
Soon Ron got his wish, as Hermione started to remover her clothing. When she was just down to her knickers and her bra, she went around and lit dozens of white candles, which she had arranged in a circle. It was Harry's turn to gap like a fish as Hermione pulled thing after thing out of her bag. Ron, meanwhile, was struggling to hide his arousal from Harry, with whom he was sharing extremely close quarters at the moment. Nodding to herself in satisfaction, she went over, and retrieved a large bowl, which she quickly filled with water, and set in the center of the circle. Setting the other objects to the side, none of which Ron recognized, Hermione walked to the center of the circle and stood in the bowl of water. The water lapped gently around her ankles as she quickly moved out of the bowl, seeming to curse softly to herself. Without wasting any time, she stripped out of her under-things, tossing the lacy item over, near her bag and the objects.
Ron felt like he was going to come in his pants. Hermione was standing naked in front of him. Naked Hermione. In front of him. He could die in that instant, and have died a happy man. Well he could have died happier if they'd been-wait. Stop that thought right there. Harry's was right beside him, he reminded himself. Poor, innocent little Harry. Don't fantasize about shagging Hermione senseless when you're sharing the invisibility cloak with him and spying on her naked self…STOP IT! He repeated in his head, again and again as he watched Hermione's now entirely naked form step once more into the bowl and start chanting.
Harry looked over at Ron, disturbed by how much his friend was shaking, and saw him drooling at the sight before them. Harry, being the asexual thing that everybody supposed him to be after Cho, decided that since they were outside and as it didn't look like anyone else would be showing up, and Ron wasn't showing any inclination to move, he may as well get in some observation time, so he blocked everything else out and turned his attention to the stars. Consequently, he missed the events that followed, much to Ginny's later relief…until she found out about Harry's firstborn's soul and sent him out to shag some whore down Knockup Alley so that her children would all retain their souls. But that was a problem for another day.
Ron watched, entranced, and didn't even notice when Hermione stopped chanting. Or when the door to the Observation Deck burst open, flying off its hinges. He didn't even notice where it landed. But he sure noticed when Professor Snape stepped into his line of vision, right next to NAKED HERMIONE. Only…Naked Hermione didn't seem to mind…in fact, she almost seemed to be expecting…Snape? 'I'm going to be sick.' thought Ron. 'Fuck.' Then he remembered his comment on the stairs to Harry about how that was probably what Hermione was doing right up there, and stared in disbelief at Snape. Snape was saying something too soft for him to hear, and then Ron watched in amazement as he began to unbutton his robes. There was nothing underneath. Ron's jaw dropped.
It was then that he realized something that turned his whole world upside down. Ron. Was. Gay. Gay as in Homosexual. Fuck. And Snape had a gorgeous body. Oh wait, that solved the problem of the soul of his firstborn. Hah! Take that Peeves. Mind at ease, he settled back to watch, and after a quick glance over at Harry, decided that the other boy wouldn't even notice if he had a quick wank at the same time. He raked his eyes over Snape's body, and fell quickly into a very satisfying fantasy, that he decided he would have to make come true sometime the next week. As he completely ignored Hermione during this time, he missed out on the only truly eventful thing to occur that night. But Ron didn't mind. Not. One. Bit.
Hermione, during this time, was busy completing her dark arts spell, which would give her amazing powers in bed, by sacrificing her virginity inside the circle of candles to the man who had suggested the spell to her. Well, she decided, she was more than willing to make certain sacrifices in order to see to the downfall of Voldemort, and if seducing the snake-like creature would ensure both that, and her permanent status as sex goddess, well then who was she to refuse? Snape, of course was the only one who could help her complete the spell because no one else was ever to know that it had been cast, let alone that it existed, and to be honest, she wasn't too picky. The only bloke that she really wanted wouldn't even look at her twice without this spell. Malfoy was so hers after Voldemort fell.
Hermione and Snape finished as quickly as they could, and when the candles turned black, he instantly pulled out of her and put his robe back on. Motioning for her to come to his side, as they had planned, he doused all of the candles, hid them with her bag and the things around it and then pulled out a port-key that would take them straight to the Dark Lord. They disappeared with a 'pop'.
Ron didn't notice at all. At the sight of his Professor's erect member, he had come harder than he ever had in his life and, throwing his head back and shutting his eyes, hadn't noticed their departure. When he finally came back to earth he opened his eyes, and, staring up at the stars, turned to Harry.
"Venus is really bright tonight." He said.
"Yeah, it's been getting stronger and stronger since we came up here." Harry told him. There was a long silence.
"Reckon we should be getting back now?"
"Yeah, I suppose." They sat there for a moment longer, then of mutual accord, got up and made their way back to their dorm room. The whole way, Ron was very aware of his conspicuously wet trousers, but not once did Harry notice. He was feeling quite confident of his budding homosexuality and was planning on taking a hormone-driven shower upon their return, to revisit his new fantasy and plan on making it reality. Harry, meanwhile, was still thinking of the stars.
"Venus was pretty tonight." He mentioned once again.
"Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that already." They fell silent at the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"Marshmallow Wallops, was it?" Harry inquired. "No, that's not it…Cadbury Bunny Terds…?"
Since neither one of them could remember the password, and as Ron was now Head Boy - and oh how he planned on making that true in every sense of the word - he made a new password. It was one that would traumatize every single one of the first through seventh year members of Gryffindor house, male and female, to their dying day.
Smiling, he took a step back. "Professor Snape is one sexy bitch." He announced to the Fat Lady, who swooned, even as the portrait swung open, and Ron strode in, towing Harry in his wake, who was still mumbling about the alignment of the stars.
The next day at breakfast (in which most of the members of the house of the lion were missing, as they were stuck in the hospital wing with severe mental trauma) it was announced that Voldemort had spontaneously combusted in the middle of a mind-blowing orgasm (though it was phrased more delicately to protect the innocent - Harry just kept on eating his porridge, oblivious) and that the war was over.
A devastatingly sexy Hermione came over and sat in her usual place between the two boys, who totally ignored her, which made her pout for a bit because really, what was the good of being a sex goddess if you couldn't flaunt it? But then she noticed that Draco was looking in her direction, and decided that she didn't care, and sent him a lewd wink. He was hers. She went over to his table, and pulled him out of the Great Hall by his tie as he followed, drooling.
Harry had found an interested audience in the Divination group and was now detailing the way the stars had shone the night before, as Ginny gazed at him adoringly.
And Ron? Well Ron was busy contemplating his Potions Professor. He caught Peeves looking at him gleefully and decided that now was as good a time as any, and got up to speak to his Professor about a certain need he felt…for remedial potions of course. Hah!
Professor Snape fled the hall when he saw the bawdy grin Ron was sending his direction, and was promptly chased down the halls into the dungeon. Ron simply grinned.
This was going even better than he had planned!
A/N: I am traumatized by the fact that I've written an almost…pro-Ron fic. Shudder I suppose it can't be helped. Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it, anyways, be sure to REVIEW!