8Naraku's Phoenix: Hello Readers…I'M BACK! HAAZAH! Now then, the fiction you are about to read was based off of a picture I once drew. It…inspired me, somewhat. You don't have to review – though I'd appreciate it –, just as long as I know people are reading it…I love that new 'Story Hits' Feature!
Full Summary: The infamous Improbability Drive has been on the fritz lately and random dimensional teleports have been triggered all across the Heart of Gold. Marvin – getting caught in one of them – ends up at Hogwarts to do, what else? But travel the Grounds and unintentionally observe and interview the Faculty and Students. Like he has anything else better to do.
Disclaimer: I don't own either Harry Potter or Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker Series. If I did though, Marvin would be all mine!
I'd also like to make a dedication of sorts, something I plan to do for every new fic I post from now on. So…
This fiction is dedicated to: My fellow Hitchhiker/Harry Potter fans: Ian McCormick, Philip Zion (Tharen Dul), and Daniel Zion (Ky-bo Nioz). You guys rock.
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Chapter 1: Materializing into the Forbidden Forest
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"Oh, yeah baby! You're the best; you're the greatest; you're the most important thing in the Universe! Rock on Mr. President, 'cause those aliens have got nothing on you!" Enter the All Great and Powerful President of the Galaxy, Mr. Zaphod Beeblebrox! With your tone of words and moon pie ego, you're a rather annoying person to have at parties, reunions, various organizations, speeches – even if they are your own – and not to mention the grocery store on one to many occasions. No wonder Trillian left you.
"Yeah, work that sash! They know who's in power!"
'SHZOOP!'
All of a sudden the mirror Zaphod was posing in became a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast cardboard cut-out, all the furniture in the Heart of Gold's main room turned into cheese, and one of Zaphod's heads turned into a spinning Disco ball.
"Whoa!" Zaphod shouted out as he jumped back from the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast cut-out in shock. Then light began to flicker off of the mirrored ball – conveniently located on Zaphod's left neck – and straight into his right pair of eyes. Instinctively, the President moved his right hand to shield his eyes.
"AH! I'M BLIND! Where are my Peril Sensitive Sunglasses when I need them?" Reaching into his pocket, Zaphod pulled out a rather round head with an orange hood covering it. "What the hell?" the head muffled angrily. A nanosecond later another 'SHZOOP!' was heard and everything in the Heart of Gold was set right, again.
"Normality has been re-obtained at 200, Boss! There is now a 1 to 2.73697241366724312 101,000,000 that the Improbability Drive will trigger fifty more times in the next hour, and the odds are against us! So, how're you feeling, Boss? Why not get something from the Drink Synthesizer? He reckons he's got that tea thing down," chirped the computer.
"Dammit, Eddie! Can't you do something to fix that thing? It's messing with my daily routines!"
"Hey, I may be a super space computer installed on one of the greatest ships ever built and still has Styrofoam in some of its hardware – I might add – but I'm not any Hactar, so you fix it!" Eddie exclaimed happily, "Now how about that drink!"
"Just shut-up and hibernate for a while you cheerful hunk of junk," Zaphod commanded frustrated.
"Right-O, Mr. President!" And the soft hum of Eddie's hibernation sequence cut on and his screen went blank. Zaphod then walked over to the main control panel and clicked on the intercom.
"Marvin, wherever you are, I need you to report to the main deck immediately, and hurry! None of that slow moping sorry excuse for a walk, you hear me?"
"I hear you loud and clear, Beeblebrox," Marvin said as he slowly emerged from a shadowy corner on Zaphod's upper left.
"Oh, Marvin," Zaphod coughed, "Didn't see you there."
"No one ever does," the android replied.
"Erm…right." Things remained quite silent after that. Until…
'SHZOOP!'
Marvin's head had turned into a fishbowl complete with water and two goldfish while the main deck became a Vogon Poetry Recital. As the recital began, Zaphod began running around in circles screaming and trying to cover his two sets of ears but that also might've been because of the stream of white doves that flew out of his pants and began to swoop and peck around his heads.
'SHZOOP!' And normality is re-obtained for the ump-teeth time that day.
Marvin remained still and of course uninterested with the whole ordeal while Zaphod, on the other hand, stopped dead in his tracks and immediately collapsed onto the floor trying to catch his breaths.
"Okay, Robot, here's what I need you to do," His left head spoke while his right one continued to pant, "Fix the Improbability Drive before I go completely mad. You've got a big brain, right? Time to put it to some use."
Marvin solemnly raised his head toward Zaphod. "My mind is the size of a small planet, contains over half of the universe's knowledge and continues to process new things everyday, and despite of all the sticky situations we've been through, today turns out to be the day you acknowledge it with words and ask me for my help…I don't know, I'm feeling especially depressed today."
Both of Zaphod's heads erupted into fury, "DAMMIT MARVIN! Now you know as well as I do the Improbability Drive is extremely improbable, the results could be futile! I know that you know how to fix this cursed thing, so hop to it before I stick a fork through your hard drive or something!"
"Ooh, there's an idea!" Marvin sarcastically exclaimed, "Let's all build up the robot's self-esteem with crash threats. As for the fork, I don't mind, this whole Universe would probably be better off without me in it anyway." Zaphod's right head furrowed its brow in frustration and growled.
"Now Marvin, I don't want to play your stupid 'I'm-a-hopelessly-depressed-little-robot-whom-no-one-cares-about' games. Just fix the Improbability Drive so we can both get on with our lives."
"What life?" Marvin replied.
"Why you-," Zaphod began angrily.
'SHZOOP!'
And all across the Heart of Gold appeared shining blue and white disk-shaped portals; all about four feet in diameter. They were on the walls, the ceilings, the floors—
"You see Marvin, I can't go on like this, I—Marvin?" Zaphod looked around, confused. Marvin was no where in sight. "Fine then, you lousy robot, maybe I will do it myS-elf. Go sulk back into your corner for all eternity for what I care."
'SHZOOP!'
"Normality is re-obtained, Boss!" Eddie chirped.
"I thought I told you to-ah, never mind. Pull up the Improbability Drive's Configuration Files, Eddie."
"Right-O, Mr. President!"
But unbeknownst to Zaphod and Eddie, Marvin had fallen through a portal under his feet; and had landed into another galactic dimension far, far away…in a different time as well, perhaps?
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'Blackness…the world around me is silent…Has a so-called God finally allowed me to die?'
POWER ON
SYSTEM REBOOTING
'Nope, never mind, false alarm.' As Marvin's system rebooted, he began to take in his surroundings as he regained his vision.
Lying on his backside, Marvin was able to decipher that: it was night-time, the tall trees surrounding him swirled up to the sky, full and leafy; crickets chirped, frogs leapt and the sound of horse hooves grew louder as they approached in Marvin's direction…wherever he was.
"Ho! What is this we've got here now; an intruder perhaps?"
"Here, Bane, poke it with this stick." Bane took the long stick that was handed out to him and began to poke Marvin repeatedly in the head.
After a while or so of this, Marvin slowly turned his head toward the centaurs and in doing so, the half-horse, half-humans all jumped back in slight shock while Bane's final poke landed on Marvin's state-of-the-art fiberglass eye.
"Do you mind?" He solemnly said, "That's rather annoying."
"It speaks!" One of the centaurs in the herd cried out.
"Poke it again, Bane!" shouted another. Following through with this request, Bane had re-immersed himself with his previous poking routine in Marvin's head.
"Once again, do you mind? That really is rather annoying," Marvin replied after a few more minutes or so.
"Ho! It speaks again!" shouted Ruben whom emerged himself to the front of the herd. "Where dost thou come from shiny, metallic human-like creature with an enormous head?" He called out.
Thoroughly bored and uncaring with this predicament – but going along with these creatures anyway – Marvin turned his head back to its original position in the dirt and gazed up at the stars that were visible through the many trees. Then slowly, he lifted his mechanical arm and pointed his finger to the sky. "I come from up there, strange aliens who inhabit this world with their poking sticks and Old English sense of speaking style."
The centaurs all engaged into immediate whispering/chattering; looking back and forth from up at the sky and to whomever they were talking to in a rather excited state.
"From the Stars, from the Stars, the creature has come to us from the Stars!" A random centaur shouted, "It has come to aid us in answering all of our questions and lead us into a new age of Peace and Enlightenment! Let us see the Dark Lord even try to rise up and rule us now!"
"HAZAAH, who needs that Potter boy, anyway? He's had his whole life with a Prophecy to boot to reign triumphantly and he has yet to make his move! The creature from the stars is clearly a sign that we must do things for ourselves, for no one else can achieve this goal of righteousness," One of the Females shouted.
After a few more minutes, Bane had managed to shush everyone down to complete silence. Then, grinning with sheer anticipation, He returned his gaze upon Marvin and spoke, "So, Metal Man, what is your title?"
Marvin kept still as he spoke, "My title?"
"Yes, your title. We wish to know the title of our savior from the stars," Bane replied.
Marvin gave a single hollow chuckle of no real significance. "I'm surprised you'd even want to know. Most beings just pass me by without so much as a nano-glance. Nobody likes me, so what makes you think you won't end up hating me as well when in reality you're all just like the rest of them; why should I even spare you my name?"
"…Because, we won't leave you alone until you tell us?" Ruben responded unsurely.
"I don't know, I'm feeling exceptionally depressed right now."
"Again…because we won't leave you alone until you tell us," gritted Bane through his wide eyes and smiling teeth.
Marvin whimpered a sigh as he thought about it. After correctly placing all the Universe's known elements within Earth's periodic table, He gave his reply. The time space for this was around 11.20345 milliseconds. 'Hmm, I seem to be running a bit slow today,' He thought. "My name is Marvin." Bane turned his back on Marvin and faced his herd.
"All hail Lord Marvin!" He shouted.
"ALL HAIL LORD MARVIN!" repeated the Centaur herd. Bane turned back around – his herd behind him – and looked at Marvin with an aura of impeccable glee.
"So tell us, mighty Lord Marvin, what is The Answer?"
"The answer to what?" replied Marvin; even though he knew what Bane was talking about.
"You know, The Answer. The answer to Life…the Universe…Everything!" said Ruben, trotting up next to Bane. Marvin sighed rather audibly this time.
"I don't know; if I tell everyone that you'll all just hate me even more."
"Er…we don't hate you," piped up one of the random centaurs.
"Yes you do," said Marvin in as-a-matter-of-factly tone, "Everybody hates me. Didn't I sort of just state that earlier?"
"Er, I suppose you did," replied the same random centaur. Things remained a bit quiet between Marvin and the herd for a while, until…
"So, Lord Marvin, about…The Answer…?" Bane re-began. Marvin lolled his head back over toward the centaurs.
"I'll make you all a deal: If I tell you the answer to Life…the Universe…and Everything does everyone promise to go away and leave me alone for all eternity?" The centaur herd whispered and debated amongst themselves for quite some time. Though, having to have finally agreed on something, Bane rose himself up out of the herd and called out to Marvin.
"Aye, we will; if that is what Lord Marvin truly wants."
"Lord Marvin wants, trust me," said Marvin as he remained in his still position.
"Then in that case you have the Centaurs' Word of Honor!" said Bane raising his right forearm horizontally across his chest; hand palm side down and flat while his left arm was raised as high as it could go with an arrow clutched in its fist. This motion was immediately followed by the rest of the herd.
"Very well then," issued Marvin, "The answer to Life…the Universe…and Everything is," He paused as to observe the centaurs as they held their breaths with anticipation; little beads of sweat forming on the furrowed brows of a select few, "42." The centaurs continued holding their breaths as if expecting for something more to come out of Marvin. "42," the robot repeated.
"42?" asked Bane through his gritted smile
"42," said Marvin. More whispers broke out amongst the herd.
"OF COURSE!" shouted Ruben after a few minutes of thinking, "It's been written in the stars all this time, right in front of our faces…42, It all makes perfect sense now! All hail Lord Marvin!"
"ALL HAIL LORD MARVIN!" repeated the herd once more. Then, after everyone had taken their sweet time bidding Marvin their own personal 'Final Farewell', they had kept their Centaurs Word of Honor and headed out deeper into the forest and away from Marvin, never to return again. The herd was reluctantly willing to do so, in any case, they were very upset.
'At least someone figured it out,' thought Marvin. And he put his system into hibernation, and continued to lay in his spot on the ground, unmoving.
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Naraku's Phoenix: Chapter 2, He meets Hagrid! Up next week.