17A/N: First of all to those of you who are reading the whole package, I'm sorry I haven't updated yet. I know I promised to a lot of you I was going to update last weekend, but I've been busy with my new internship and had to get this out of my mind first. This weekend I'll focus on my new chapter and hopefully update by the end of the weekend, or else early next week!
About this story: All the episodes keep running through my mind most of the time lately, so I had to get some things out. Resulting in this story. It continues right after 6.15, A Vineyard Valentine. Lorelai's thoughts, Luke's thoughts and some Rory and April too. Just read and it'll all become clear. Of course don't forget to let me know what you think!
Is love enough?
Lorelai stared at the newspaper in front of her, as the messages on her answering machine kept playing. "Lorelai this is your aunt Marilyn. Your mother called me and informed me…." Lorelai hit the delete button before the voice could continue. When the voice of another relative began playing, she deleted them all together. She closed the paper, not being able to stand the sight of her picture that big in a paper any longer. She knew it was a mistake to give her mother a date for the wedding. She just never thought her mother would do this. Boy was she wrong.
With a sigh she walked to the kitchen and filled the coffee maker. All that could help her right now was a cup of hot steaming coffee. She wanted to forget about the weekend. It started off so bad. It was supposed to be a romantic weekend. All she wanted was some alone time with Luke, even though she knew Rory and Logan would be there. She had known it would be uncomfortable, but she never imagined it to be like this. All Luke did was complaining. The weather, the sounds, Logan, nothing was okay. She snapped at him when she couldn't take it any longer, and all the sudden things changed. He seemed to relax and even enjoy their time together. And even the time with Rory and Logan. He had given her a valentine's day gift. In her deepest dreams she wouldn't have thought he'd do that. She finally had been able to tell him about her fears. And he even told her he loved her.
Her eyes were focused on the coffee maker as her thoughts continued. Mitchum had ruined their perfect moment in bed and with that their wonderful weekend ended. But she was still happy until they arrived at the diner. She was brought back to reality when Caesar mentioned that April called and that she's coming over tomorrow. She still doesn't understand why Luke doesn't want her to meet her. She can understand he needs alone time with her, and that's why she doesn't come to the diner when April is around, but it hurts. Maybe even more than the fact that Luke waited 2 whole months before he told her.
When the coffee was finally ready she poured herself a cup and went upstairs. When she opened the door of her bedroom she was reminded once again how everything changed. How different everything turned out than she thought only a few months ago. Her whole life was planned and now everything had fallen apart. Even with Luke's promise that they are going to get married, even if it's eloping, she still wasn't sure if it would actually happen. Not anymore.
-xxxxxx-
Luke can't understand why Lorelai didn't want him to drive her home. The moment they arrived at the diner everything seemed different. What happened in between that she was suddenly so hostile? He helped Caesar clean up the diner and tried not to think of it too much. He thought their weekend was pretty much perfect. He knew he was a jerk at the beginning, but he tried to change that and when he was finally able to relax, everything seemed better. He had to admit that he had a very good time even when Lorelai told him she was afraid they would never get married. He knew where it was coming from. He knew he distant himself from her since he found out about April, but he figured that when he'd get to know her better, everything else would become normal again too. He didn't know when that was going to be or how, but he knew it would.
"Hey boss, if we're done here I'm leaving."
Luke was shaken out of his thoughts at the sound of Caesar's voice. "Sure. I'll lock the doors when you leave."
"Do you want me to open tomorrow or are you staying here?"
Luke thought it was better to leave Lorelai alone right now. She obviously didn't want him with her. "I'll open tomorrow."
"Okay. What time do you want me to come?"
"7 is okay."
"See you tomorrow then."
Luke just nodded and locked the door when it closed behind Caesar. He turned off the lights and walked upstairs.
-xxxxxx-
When Luke opened the diner the following morning, a whole crowd was already waiting. It wasn't unusual that Kirk was there, but that there were others was a strange sight. The second the door opened he was hit with questions, none of which he could understand because they were all talking through each other. "Slow down. One at the time." They were giving him a head ache. Not a very nice feeling so early in the morning. He turned around and walked behind the counter, when the crowd followed him inside and gathered at the other side.
"Congratulations Luke."
"With what?"
"The wedding."
They already knew for months that he and Lorelai were engaged so he had no idea where this was coming from. "Where are you talking about."
"June third. That's a wonderful day." And with that everybody started talking through each other again.
"Where are you talking about?" Luke had to raise his voice.
Everybody was quiet and looked at him like he was crazy. Kirk was the first one who opened his mouth. "As if you don't know Luke. It was in the paper yesterday. There was this big picture of Lorelai and it announced your wedding. June 3rd."
"Which paper?" He was still confused.
Several people threw newspapers on the counter now. Luke opened one and found the right page. The big picture of Lorelai was printed in the middle, with the announcement underneath. He was lost. Didn't Lorelai say she cancelled everything? Then why would she print this in the newspaper, for everyone to see?
He waited the whole morning for Lorelai to come in, but she never came. When he went to her house to pick up April's bike she wasn't there. Not that he expected her to be, he was just hoping to see her and to ask her about the newspaper. She didn't came in for lunch either, and when it was close to 3 he knew she wasn't coming in until after April left.
"Hey Luke." April walked in with a smile on her face.
"Hey. How was school?"
"It was great. I had a math test and there's no way I have anything lower than an A."
"That's great. So do you have a lot of homework?"
"Not really. Some for English and I have a history test in 3 days so I have to study for that. I finished everything else during lunch break."
"Good. So do you want to sit here at the counter or do you want to go upstairs to the apartment?"
"Here's fine."
"Ok. Do you want something to drink?"
"Coke please."
He filled a glass and put it in front of her.
"Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"I saw a picture of Lorelai in the paper yesterday. With the announcement of your wedding."
"You saw it too?"
"Yeah I did. And I think it's great. Do you think she'd let me be one of her bridesmaids? I know she doesn't really know me but since you're my dad, I was really hoping that she would let me you know."
Luke sighed. "Honestly, we're not getting married on June 3rd."
"Why not? It was in the paper. I've seen it myself." April looked at her father confused.
"We postponed the wedding. I think it's printed by mistake."
"Why did you postpone the wedding? Don't you want to marry her? You talk about her all the time. I know you love her."
He felt uncomfortable to talk about this with his daughter. "We'll talk about this later okay."
"Sure. I'll do my homework then." She picked a book out of her bag and opened it at the right page.
Luke watched his daughter as she made her homework. She was done within 20 minutes and closed her book. "That was fast."
"Yeah well. It wasn't much. I'll do my history at home. Can I help you with something?"
"Uhm… I don't know."
She studied her father's face. She liked hanging out with him and getting to know him better. But she didn't understand most things about him. "Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"How come Lorelai never comes to the diner when I'm here?"
"I don't know. I guess she wants to give us time to get to know each other first."
"But you're getting married. Shouldn't I get to know her too?"
"You will, I promise. I'll ask her if she wants to come and meet you the next time you're here."
"Cool. I'd like that."
-xxxxxx-
After Anna picked April up a little after 7, Luke waited for Lorelai again. But when he closed the diner a few hours later, she still wasn't there. He wondered if she was mad at him, and didn't know what to do. But after everything that happened today, he knew it was best to go see her. There was a lot they had to talk about.
When he parked his truck on her driveway the house seemed dark. That was strange because Lorelai never went to bed early. Her jeep was there so she had to be home.
He opened the door of the house with his key and entered. He called her name and waited for a response, but non came. He climbed the stairs to her bedroom and found her in bed. She was lying on her side, facing away from him. He wondered if she was asleep.
In the bathroom he brushed his teeth and changed himself into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, then walked back to her bedroom and climbed in bed next to her. He put an arm around her waist and felt how she tensed underneath his grip. This is when he knew she was awake.
"Lorelai."
She pretended to be asleep. She knew he knew about the article and the paper, and she couldn't deal with it anymore. The whole day people had been bugging her about it. First Sookie, then every single person in town. At least that's how it felt.
"Lorelai I know you're awake." He was hurt that she was pretending to be asleep. He knew her better than that.
She didn't turn around when she said. "Sorry."
"Why didn't you come to the diner today?"
"I've been busy all day and when I finally came home I was tired and it was already late so I just went to bed."
"But you said you were coming by."
'And you said you were going to marry me, but so far that's not going to happen either.' She pushed the thoughts out of her mind. Instead she said. "I know. But I didn't know my day was going to be like this when I left the diner yesterday. I'm sorry."
"That's okay. I just missed you."
She turned to look at him. "How was your day?"
"Interesting. When I opened the diner this morning there was a crowd already waiting outside. Something about a newspaper."
She sighed. "I'm sorry about that. I swear I didn't do it. When I was at my parents house for Friday night dinner a couple of weeks ago, my mom kept asking me about a date for the wedding. I tried to blow it off but she kept bugging me and I didn't know what to say so I said June 3rd. I didn't think she would pull a stunt like this. But then again, I should have known she would. I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I'll have it rectified next week. I promise."
"How will they respond to that?"
"I don't know. Maybe we should elope right now and print that we already got married."
"Lorelai." He sighed.
"I'll figure it out okay. I promise."
"Okay."
"How was April?"
"She asked if she can be a bridesmaid at our wedding."
"So she saw it too huh. I'm so sorry Luke. I'm really really sorry."
"I explained that we postponed the wedding."
"She didn't ask why?"
"Doesn't matter."
"You don't want to tell me?"
"Like I said, it doesn't matter."
The whole talk felt so uncomfortable for Lorelai. She couldn't remember when it was ever this hard for them to talk. Ever since they started dating, communication seemed a lot harder for them. Before that, he was the one she always went to with her problems. She told him almost everything. Many things which he most likely didn't even want to hear. That was their thing. She thought that when they'd be together, this was the man she would finally be able to communicate with. She didn't need a best friend anymore because she was with her best friend. But she had been wrong, as she had been wrong about so many things. Communicating became difficult for them. They didn't talk anymore. They kept things from each other. Even after they promised each other they wouldn't.
He noticed that she was distracted, lost in her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"
"When did we change Luke?"
"What?"
She looked him directly in his eyes when she asked her question again. It scared her because she knew that if she could see the real him, he could see the real her too. But she had to know. "When did we change?"
"I don't understand. Change how?"
"In so many ways Luke. We were always able to tell each other everything. If it was wanted or not. When I had a problem I came to you, and I'd like to believe that you came to me when you had one. And I know you did most of the time. When things were hard with Jess. When you broke up with Rachel. With Nicole."
"We still do that."
"No we don't." She shook her head as she said the words. "When is the last time we really opened up to each other. Really opened up I mean. This weekend was great. I was able to tell you about my fears about our wedding and you helped me. But there are so many other things between us. We both know it."
"This is about April."
"Not only."
"I already told you I'm sorry I didn't tell you about her." He didn't understand why his daughter could be a problem for her. She had one herself.
"Oh Luke, this is so beyond that. Even though it hurt, I understand why you kept it from me. And I forgave you for not telling me a long time ago."
"Then I don't understand."
"Why can't I meet her? Why can't I be a part of this? I understand that you want to get to know her. I understand that you want to spend time along with her and I respect that. But you've known her for months now. She comes to the diner more than once a week and every time you mention it as if I'm not allowed to stop by the diner at the time she's there." She looked down at the sheets, not wanting to see his eyes anymore. And more, she didn't want him to see hers.
"I never told you not to come."
"But it feels like you do. It feels as if you don't want me to come to the diner. As if I'm not allowed to come when she's there. It's like you have two different lives and I can only be a part of one. And the life where I'm a part of, is being put on hold for the other. You have no idea how much that hurts Luke."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I feel like a selfish bitch. It feels as if I hate April and everything about her when I don't. I think I like her, but I don't know because I've only seen her once. And that moment was covered by the shock of finding out that she's your daughter. I want to give you all the time you need and I don't want to feel jealous that she's getting all your attention right now. I want to believe that when everything goes back to normal we'll get married and we'll all be a family. You and April and Rory and I. But sometimes it's just really hard to keep believing. It's like you're distancing yourself from me more and more. I thought that when we finished the house, you would move in with me. We did this together. We added to the house. We bought new furniture. We made this place ours, only, I still live her alone. I know that you're staying over most of the nights, but it's not the same. Everybody always thought I would be the one running, but it feels like you're running now."
"I'm not running. I already told you that I want to marry you. I really do. I know I'm not handling things well, and that everything comes down on you right now and I'm so sorry. I already told you I love you."
"I know that you do. And I thought that would be the most important thing in the world, but I doubt that now. Maybe loving someone is just not enough."
"What are you saying?"
"I don't know. All I know is that I'm scared Luke. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of not getting the life I always dreamt about."
"You'll get it. I promised you a long time ago that you will get it, and you will. I'm sorry that I'm making you wait. I really am."
She looked at the man she loved more than anything in the world besides Rory. And for the first time in her life she wasn't sure if it was enough. She needed to think and she needed to be alone to do that. She stepped out of bed, surprising of Luke.
"Where are you going?"
"Downstairs. I'm going to sleep in Rory's room. I need to be alone right now."
"But we're having a conversation here."
"I know. But right now I need some time alone to think. I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry."
"You can stay here. I'll just go back to my apartment."
"You don't have to."
"I know. But that's okay."
He stepped out of bed and walked towards her. He took her head in his hands and kissed her forehead. "I love you Lorelai."
She just nodded and looked down because she didn't want to see the hurt on his face when she didn't repeated the words. She never said those words to him directly. Not in that form. She said 'I love that about you' and 'I love ranting Luke,' but she never said 'I love you Luke.' She loves him, but she's afraid that when she says those words out loud, everything will fall apart completely.
She noticed he wasn't in her room anymore when she heard the front door slam. She stepped back in bed and let herself cry. It was the first time she let herself cry since she found out about April. When the first tear came they wouldn't stop. She started sobbing and her body started shaking and she just couldn't stop anymore.
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai didn't know how long she had been crying before she fell asleep. And she didn't know how long she slept before she woke up. When she opened her eyes it was 4 o clock in the morning. Too early to be awake, but when the events of the previous evening came back to her mind, she couldn't sleep anymore. She went downstairs where she found Paul Anka still asleep on the couch. In the kitchen she made herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the coffee table. With the steaming cup in her hands she started thinking again. 'Why can't it be enough? Why can't I tell him that I love him, while I've known for so long that I do? Why did everything have to change?' She had to talk to someone so she walked into the living room, picked up the phone and dialed the o so familiar number of her daughter, completely forgetting how early it was.
"Hello?" Rory's sleepy voice was heard after 6 beeps.
"Took you long enough."
"Mom? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Is Luke hurt?"
Suddenly realizing how early it was, Lorelai shook her head. "Nobody's hurt. I'm sorry I called this early. Go back to sleep, I'll call again later."
"No, it's okay. I'm awake now anyway. Why are you up at this hour?"
"I couldn't sleep anymore."
"That's a first."
"I screwed up."
"What?"
"Did you saw the newspaper 2 days ago?"
"I see a newspaper every day. Where are you pointing at?"
"You didn't happen to see a picture of me?"
"No.. where was that?"
"Wedding announcements."
"Oh mom…. How?"
"Grandma. Remember Friday night dinner and how she kept asking me about a date and I finally ended up saying June 3rd so she would just shut up? Well, this is how it backfired."
"Does Luke know?"
"The whole town was waiting for him when he opened the diner yesterday morning."
"Ai…"
"Yeah. I avoided him all day, not knowing how to bring up the subject. He ended up coming here yesterday evening and we got in a fight."
"About what?"
"Everything. I don't think it was even a fight, but it wasn't pretty either. We changed Rory, and I hate it."
"It'll be okay."
"That's what I keep telling myself, but I'm not sure anymore. What if it's not enough?"
"What if what's not enough?" Even if it wasn't a little after 4 in the morning, Rory still wouldn't have understood where her mother was talking about now.
"Love."
"Love?"
"I told him that I'm afraid the wedding is never going to happen Saturday and he told me he loves me and he will marry me. At that moment it was enough and I couldn't be happier, but I'm not sure anymore."
"What happened?"
"When we got to the diner on Sunday morning, Caesar said April was coming by the following day and it was like it has been the last few months. She was going to be there at 3 and Luke reasoned that she was going to stay until 7, pointing out that I could come by after that. You know how many times I've seen his daughter? Once. He's keeping everything from me. He talks about her sometimes, but that's it. I'm not allowed to meet her, and I'm supposed to leave the subject alone. And I figured that after a while things would get back to normal and he found a place for her in his life, but that didn't happen. It feels like he's living two lives and I can only be a part of one, and I don't want that."
"Uhuh…"
"So maybe loving someone just isn't enough. Maybe you can love someone so much, but when the whole universe is against it, it'll never happen. You'll never get the whole package. Not even when the person loves you back."
"Mom, that's ridicules! The whole universe isn't against you. I understand things are a little hard right now, but you have to tell him how you feel. You have to ask him if you can meet her, because maybe he feels like you don't want to meet her, like you feel as if you're not allowed to meet her. If you're not honest to each other, it'll never work. Maybe then love isn't enough because at some point you'll fall out of love. At least that's how it works in the movies. I don't know how it feels for real. But mom, you love him, and he loves you and you can work it out. I know it. You're meant to be for each other and you have to figure things out. You can't let him distant himself from you any more. You have to ground him. He's done it for you more than once and now it's your turn to return the favor. I know you can mom. You're the strongest woman I know, and if there's someone who can help him, it's you."
"But I don't think he wants help."
"Then make him want it. Don't walk away mom. You'll never forgive yourself if you do."
Lorelai sighed and closed her eyes so she could think for a while. Maybe Rory was right. Maybe love was enough if you hold on to it. Maybe it wasn't too late to solve the problems. Maybe Luke wanted her to meet April, but was afraid she didn't want to meet her.
"Are you still there?"
Lorelai opened her eyes and smiled. "Yes I am. Hey kid, go back to sleep. Call me later and tell me about the whole Logan and London thing okay? I think I'll go see Luke now before he opens the diner and people will bother us all day long."
"Okay. Hey mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too kid. Now go back to sleep."
"I will." And with that she hung up.
Lorelai didn't bother dressing herself. She looked at her dog who was still asleep and just put on her coat and a pair of sneakers and took her keys out of her purse. The drive to the diner only took a few minutes, but it seemed hours. When she stopped her car in front of the diner, on her usual spot, she almost jumped out. She used the key that was laying on top of the door to open the door, and locked the door behind her. She climbed the steps to the apartment and unlocked that door as well.
Luke sat up in bed the minute he heard the door open. He couldn't sleep all night long and had thought a lot about the things Lorelai said. Right now he didn't know what to say anymore. All he could get out was "Hey."
"Hey." She walked to the bed and sat down next to him. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
"No, I'm sorry. I…"
She put her finger on his lips. "Shh… I can go first."
He nodded to let her know it was okay.
"I want to meet April." She removed her finger so he knew it was okay for him to speak.
"You do?"
"Yes. I want to meet her. I've been wanting to meet her from the moment I found out she was your daughter."
"I thought…"
"I know. And I'm sorry. I thought you didn't want me to meet her. I thought you wanted to get to know her first and you would come to me when you were ready. It wasn't until I talked with Rory a few minutes ago, that I realized that as I thought you didn't want me to meet her, I made it seem as if I didn't want to meet her to you. And I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too. I should have asked you, but I thought you hated her."
"Why would I hate her? She's your daughter Luke. That means half of her is like you so how could I not love her?"
"Really?"
"Absolutely. We're stupid you know that? We were sitting right there on that chair and you made me promise to tell you everything and the next we do is the opposite. Not just you, but me as well. I've been blaming you for everything and I realize now that I was wrong just as much as you were. Maybe not at first, but definitely for everything what happened after I found out about April."
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about her before. I didn't know how to tell you and the longer I put it off, the harder it became."
"I understand. Of all people I understand. We're more alike than we both like to admit sometimes."
They both smiled.
"You know. I was wrong about more things."
"Like?"
"I think love is enough. It is as long as we're able to give in to it and not hide from it. We have to be open and honest to each other and make sure we won't fall out of love. I'm so sorry that I never told you directly that I love you, because I do."
"I know that you do."
"But it's not the same. Here I go telling you that I need to hear once in a while that you love me, and I never say it myself."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because I was afraid that if I admitted it out loud, that I would lose everything. I realize that it's stupid now, and that it works the other way around. We could have lost each other if we hadn't started talking."
"We won't let that happen."
"I hope so."
"I want us to be a family Lorelai. You and Rory and April and I. I want that. I didn't think I was ready for it, but I know I am now."
"I'm ready too."
"What do you think? Is it possible to put the deposits back in and get the wedding planned again?"
"For what date?"
"June 3rd. It's all in the newspapers already anyway."
"What about eloping?"
"It was a stupid idea. You asked if Rory could be there, and I want April to be there. And there are our friends who have to be there as well. Sookie. I'm sure she'd kill you if she's not there when you get married. And how about your parents? I know you haven't been on good terms all the time, but they are still your parents and you're their only daughter and I'm sure they want to see their only daughter get married."
"So you want a real wedding?"
"I was afraid it was going to be too much, but honestly I don't care who's going to be there, as long as you are there, and both our daughters. And I don't mind if the whole world is witnessing us getting married."
"So June 3rd?"
"June 3rd." He gave her a big smile, which she returned, then he pulled her close to him and kissed her like he never did before.
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai was sitting in the diner the following day when she saw a girl walking in. She waved at Luke before she walked to Lorelai's table and sat down across from her. "Hi."
"Hey."
"I'm April."
"I know. I'm Lorelai."
"I know. I've heard a lot about you."
"I've heard a lot about you too. It's nice to finally meet you officially."
"Same here."
"So…. This is kind of uncomfortable."
"Yeah it is."
They both smiled. "I've been wanting to ask you something."
"Really? What?"
"Let's start at the beginning first. I know that we don't know each other yet, but I hope that's going to change soon. I've heard a lot about you and apparently you heard a lot about me so it's like we already know each other a little bit. Luke and I have been talking a lot lately and well… I would love it if you're one of my bridesmaids at the wedding."
"Really? Wouldn't it be weird?"
"Absolutely not. Rory, my daughter, you'll meet her later. She's coming here in about half an hour. But anyway, Rory will be my maid of honor, and Sookie, my best friend will be one of the bridesmaids. But I would really love it if you're one of my bridesmaids as well. I know Luke wants you to be a part of the wedding, and I'd really like it too."
"Seriously? I'd love to!"
"Good. So it's a deal?"
"Absolutely! So when is the wedding?"
"June 3rd."
"But Luke said the wedding was postponed."
"It was, but we've talked about it and we figured we don't want to postpone the wedding anymore. So we'll stick with the original date."
"I'm glad. So I'm finally getting to meet Rory too?"
"She'll be there soon."
"You think she would like me?"
"Absolutely. I'm sure the both of you have a lot in common. She goes to Yale."
"I know. Luke told me."
"He told you a lot, didn't he."
"Oh yeah."
The bell jingled and Rory walked in. She spotted her mother immediately who stood up and hugged her daughter. "Hey kid."
"Hey."
"I want you to meet April. Luke's daughter."
"Hi. I'm Rory." She shook April's hand and sat down at the table.
"I'll leave the two of you alone to talk for a while. Lorelai walked to the counter and sat down across from Luke, turning around to see the girls already caught up in a conversation. With a smile she turned to face Luke. "Seems like they're getting along very well."
"Yeah. I like that."
"Me too." She leaned over the counter and kissed him. When she let herself fall back in the stool she said. "Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
The end
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