Of Descriptors and Fanfiction
Severus Snape came striding into the Headmaster's office, threw himself into a chair in front of the large desk, and scowled at the floor.
"Ah, Severus," Professor Dumbledore twinkled, "Do come in, my boy. Please, why don't you have a seat?" If possible, Snape scowled even more. With no response forthcoming, Dumbledore continued, "You look...different, today."
"Of course I look different!" Snape snapped. "I never know what I'm going to look like from one hour to the next! It's all these blasted fanfiction writers," he concluded moodily.
"Now, now, Severus, don't pout," dimpled Dumbledore.
"I'll pout if I want to! I hardly ever get the chance you know. It's always snarling spitefully or threatening silkily. Or being ridiculously romantic and sexy," he added. "And I wish they'd stop describing me as greasy all the time! I shower several times a day you know, and always at least wash my hands after brewing a potion. Yet by the time I see anyone, I'm always greasy again!"
Snape glared at a strand of his greasy- "Ahem!" -sorry, his healthfully shiny black hair, before pushing it out of his face.
"Well, it is supported by canon, Severus," Dumbledore pointed out wisely.
"I suppose it is. But that doesn't explain this!" Snape grumbled, gesturing at his nose, which was at the moment seriously rivalling Buckbeak's profile. "Hooked! That's the one word she uses to refer to it. The only place it's mentioned as being large, is in jokes at my expense! And even if we were to allow a very small grain of truth in them, that is no excuse for this...this monstrous proturbance!"
A pause. "That was a hint, you realise."
Oh, indeed. Snape's nose suddenly became much more normal-sized, and was in fact a little smaller that what he may have been used to.
"Thank you. Now, I will admit," Snape continued, "that I occasionally have a 'refined, aquiline' nose, but that usually means I'm about to either be terribly injured or have horribly overblown romantic feelings for the next person I meet, so it's not much comfort."
"Well, sometimes writers can be accomodating," smiled Dumbledore knowingly.
Indeed we can.
"Or I suppose you could always spend some time in the Room of Requirement," he added.
"I suppose I could. Well, thank you for your time, Headmaster."
"No trouble, Severus. I don't really have much to do all day other than listen to various Professors and students rant. Well, there is the occassional duel with Tom, but he's so obsessed with his 'Undefeated' trophy that he usually goes after Harry these days. I've been trying to tell him he should schedule the matches for February, give us something interesting to do, but he insists on June for some reason." Seeing Snape beginning to rise from his chair, Dumbledore quickly added, "Oh, Severus...lemon drop before you go?"
Snape sighed. "Albus, you know I'm not going to accept. Why do you persist in offering them to me?"
"It's what I do, Severus. Every time someone comes to my office, I must offer them a sweet, if not tea. Besides, I have reason to believe they have youthening properties. Just the other day I woke up to find that my hair and beard were shorter and darker, my eyebrows bushier; although I believe my nose was a bit larger as well. It's happened several times since. Even my voice deepens occasionally, had you noticed?"
"If you think back, Headmaster," Snape insinuated, "I think you'll find that you've looked like that since Potter's third year."
"I believe you're right! Although," Dumbledore mused, "I also seem to have memories of looking completely - Ah! They've made another motion picture, haven't they?"
"Yes, always plays havoc with the readers' minds. At least my actor has a reasonable nose. And I must say that I feel better now that Black and Lupin..." Snape smirked, "...well."
"Indeed. Do you remember, it took Hagrid two days to find his hut again?" Dumbledore chuckled. "And that was after he woke up to find it was made of stone!"