Disclaimer: If you honestly think that I own any of this, then I'm serious, GET HELP! Duh, it belongs to Tolkien, not me, ah well, but I suppose I can always pretend?
A/N: Hi people :) I thought I'd get to work on publishing this between the chapters of my mega Legolas angst fic, Captive. My other humour has been quite popular, and you guys have asked for more, so here it is. Please, review once you've read, cause if you don't, then I think that no-one's reading, and I don't want to update. Thanks ;P Enjoy!
Revenge of the Hobbits
-By Windsong of Darkness-
Chapter One: In Which Pip Feels Unwanted
Pippin sighed, for perhaps the one hundredth time that morning. It was raining in the vale of Imladris, and he was bored, bored, bored! Everyone was ignoring him except Merry, and he didn't count. Strider was 'talking' with the Lady Arwen, which involved an awful lot of hugging and kissing, Frodo was sitting around looking melancholy, as always, even though his wound was now healed, Sam had persuaded the Lord Elrond to let him tend the garden, and the hobbit was now battling the weather outside. Gandalf was just smoking in a corner with his hat pulled down over his face (Pippin thought he looked rather like a very old Ranger), and he had knocked on the door of some dwarf, but had been told very rudely to 'go away!' The hobbit was pretty sure that everyone in Rivendell hated him. Merry always said that 'hate' was too strong a word for such things, but what did Merry know? Pippin felt hurt, no, correction – he felt angry! Well, he would have to get Merry and they would have to teach all of Rivendell a lesson! Hobbits are not to be ignored! Pippin grinned and trotted off to find his cousin, already feeling somewhat cheered.
"Oooh, sorry…" The hobbit nearly ran into a tall, handsome young elf with long golden hair and deep blue eyes, "Who are you?"
Legolas looked down his nose at the rather small hobbit before him. "I am Prince Legolas Greenleaf," he said proudly, "son of King Thranduil of the Woodland Realm. Might I ask the same of you, young one?"
"Err…" said Pippin, rather intimidated by this tall being, "I'm…I'm Pip."
"Pip," Legolas mused, "Funny name, but then, you seem to be a rather funny creature, barging into people. Good day to you, Pip," the elf said with a curt nod and went on his way.
"Oooh," said Pippin again, staring after him. He was so tall! The hobbit shook his head, coming back to his senses. "No," he said to himself, "He was most unfriendly. Definitely hates me! I will have to prank him. Hmm, now what was his name? Legolas, yes, that's it. Prince Legolas Greenleaf. Pranked!" Peregrin hurried on hid way, but as he turned a corner, he found that the passage was blocked by Strider and Arwen having a very slurpy kiss. The hobbit stopped dead, blushing. Well, he had to get past…
"Ahem…" Pippin cleared his throat shyly, but he got no response, as the two lovers were so absorbed in each other that they had their eyes closed and would probably not have noticed if a horde of orcs had come stampeding down the passage. Peregrin was pretty sure that if they carried on at this rate then Aragorn would probably eat Arwen's lips off. Yuck. He was about to turn back when he had an idea. Sniggering quietly to himself, the hobbit padded silently (as only hobbits and elves can) up to the pair and squeezed carefully between them. Of course, Aragorn assumed it was Arwen, and Arwen assumed it was Aragorn. Pippin took a deep breath, savouring the moment, and then yelled, "BOO!" at the top of his lungs. The effect was electric.
"Orcs!" cried Aragorn, leaping about a meter into the air, and groping for his sword, only to find that he'd left it in his room, and then looking about, puzzled, as none of the foul creatures were to be seen. Arwen shrieked something a little more colourful when she saw the source of the disturbance, and aimed a kick at him.
Pippin squealed and dashed past them. Well, he knew one thing for certain – they hated him, alright!
The hobbit stopped, panting, outside Merry's room, rubbing the back of his leg. It hurt where Arwen had kicked him. Who did she think she was? Asfaloth! Kicking people! Elves these days! Pippin snorted as he knocked on the door and entered.
"Hey, Pip," said Merry boredly. He was sprawled out on his bed, eating a bowl of sugar that he had nicked from the kitchens. He was dipping his finger in it, sucking it, and then repeating this. "What's up?"
"Err, Merry, you're going to go all happy if you keep eating that stuff," Pippin warned his cousin, "I don't think it's such a good idea."
"Maybe not, but it tastes good, and laughing for hours on end can be very therapeutic, you know." Merry offered Pippin the bowl, "Here, try some, you'll see."
"Ah, no thanks, Merry." Pippin shook his head, pulling a face. The sugar was all caked together and sticky from saliva. He certainly didn't want that, thank you very much! "No, what I came about also involves a fair amount of laughter, and I think it will appeal to you."
"Oh?" Merry dabbled his finger in the sugar, "What makes you think that?"
"Well, why don't I tell you?"
"Well, alright, don't leave me in the dark. You'd better not be plotting some nasty conspiracy against me with Frodo and Sam!"
"No, quite the opposite, my dear Merry. What I came about was pranks."
"Pranks!" Merry grinned, "On who?"
"Everyone in Rivendell 'cept you and I."
"'Cause they all hate me – all except you of course, and I want to get 'em back. Will you help me, Merry?"
"Okay." Merry sat up, really interested now, "But why do they all dislike you? I don't think they hate you."
"Oh, I dunno, they're just ignoring me – some are even being aggressive!"
"Like who?" Merry sucked his finger and began to draw patterns in the sugar, only most of it just stuck to his wet fingertip, making him frown in annoyance.
"Strider and that she-elf he's so fond of! She kicked me!"
"Did she really?" Merry raised his eyebrows, "How unladylike!"
"Yeah, I got between them while they were kissing. Touchy, touchy!" Pippin snapped his wrist.
"Well I don't exactly blame them then, Pip," said Merry, "Kissing is something two lovers like to do alone! Who else dislikes you?"
"Everyone, but in particular, there was this elf. He's from some far off realm somewhere -"
"Ah, that would be Prince Legolas?"
"Yes, that's him, and don't call him that. I don't care about honouring him with fancy titles and all. Just plain Legolas will do, or even Leggy…" Both hobbits had a snigger at this before Pippin continued. "Anyways, he was really offish to me. When I told him my name was Pip, he said it was a funny name, but that I was a funny creature, and then he just said 'Good day to you, Pip,' and walked off, but you know how somebody says 'Good day,' but really they mean they're really annoyed with you and…" The hobbit trailed off as he ran out of breath.
"Poor Pip." Merry patted his shoulder sympathetically, leaving behind grains of sugar on the younger hobbit's clothing, "Well, we'll just have to get revenge, won't we, eh, Peregrin?"
Pippin nodded seriously. "From now on," he said, "it's war. Hobbits versus Rivendell!"
Both hobbits looked at each other, grinning. "Oh yeah!"
A/N: Well, how was that? Review and tell me, please. I hate it when someone reads but doesn't review, so couldn't you just take those extra two minutes to tell me what you thought? If you review me, I will reply, and I will try to read some of your stuff, provided it is LOTR and not slash. This is just the first chapter, and there will be more to come, so review review review, and I will update! I can only promise on weekends though, as I have limited computer time. Well, Namárië then, folks:)
-o-Windsong of Darkness-o-