Sing to Me My Sweet, Sweet Sorrow
Chapter Three: Muddled Mind
She awoke, though, she had no idea how long she had been asleep…or how she even got to where she was…or even where here was. She still felt really groggy, and she didn't know why, wasn't she just asleep?
Moaning slightly, she tried to sit up, her body ached so much. What happened anyway? Wasn't she supposed to be cleaning that really messy room? Again, she was confused, how she hated being confused.
"Oh, I see you're awake." A slightly surprised voice said, one she didn't recognize. This time she forced herself up, wincing as she did, and stared at the stranger before her.
It was a man with jet-black hair tied into a small pigtail at the back. He held warm violet eyes, and almost a mischievous grin as he gazed at her in the bed. He was wearing white clothing, probably a doctor or something, as he walked beside her, placing a hand over her head.
She instantly flinched away from his touch, and he frowned, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" he asked, his voice sounding actually concerned. She shook her head 'no' before making herself relax.
"Then why did you flinch?" he questioned her again, and she looked at him like he was stupid. Wasn't it obvious? She was worried she would be hit! Everyone hit her, no one asked why she flinched from them, they knew why.
The man looked at her surprised, "No need to get hostile!" he said jokingly, but apparently she didn't see the humor, for her body tensed and she backed away from him. Again he frowned, did the girl think he was mad at her?
Slowly, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, and still, she flinched from his touch like she was burned. He had come across slaves that were like this, but never before where they as bad as the one laying here now. Usually he was able to coax them to relax around him, convince them he was the 'good guy'. This was especially true with the female population. He couldn't help but smile at his perverted thoughts.
Kagome was afraid of this man, he wasn't a slave, that was for sure, so he had authority over her. He could do anything to her. Hurt her…the only people who hadn't hit her were her family, who at the moment were either dead or really far away.
"Man, Sesshy wasn't kiddin when he said you were jumpy." The man laughed, hoping to relax her at his lighthearted manor. It did, slightly, but she still didn't trust him. They all tried something, always did. Started out good, ended out bad.
He looked at her papers, which were attached to a clipboard hanging from her bed. He scanned them over, "Kagome eh? Oh and a mute to I see." He spoke out loud, reading the papers and glancing at her every now and then.
She was still confused, why was she here? How did she even get here? Wait, who the hell was Sesshy?
"Well, Kagome, you're quite lucky to be alive. That knife that got stuck in you was had a piece of rotten meat on it, which ended up poisoning you. That didn't help the concussion you had either. But, since your still alive and breathing, you can tell we got the poison out in time." He smiled at her, "I'm actually surprised you're awake, it was only an hour ago that we got the poison out of your system. I suspected you to be out for at the very least three days."
Kagome looked at him. What was he suggesting? That she faked it? Or was he thinking she was some type of super creature keeping a secret? Oh gods, she didn't know. Wait, poison, concussion, back the hell up, what was he talking about?
She sent him a confused stare, hoping he would be able to decipher her meaning. Luckily, he was able to, for he started explaining, "Don't you remember? When you were cleaning Lord Sesshy's room you feel and landed on a knife. And a book hit you hard in the head apparently, but it looks like you were hit in the head before the book, because you have two bumps." He then rubbed his chin, "Maybe you have slight amnesia, but my tests didn't indicate any brain damage like that." Then he looked thoughtful, and remained silent.
Oh, right, now she remembered. She was cleaning the Lord's room, and got struck with a knife, then started feeling very sick after that. It made sense. Wait…Lord Sesshy? Was Sesshy the Lord's name? 'What an odd name for a Lord.' She thought, mildly amused.
Her eyes flickered over to the man, and she wondered what his name was, or how long she would be stuck wherever she was, apparently it was some type of healing ward though. She blinked at him, feeling a little safer near him now that time wore on without resulting in her being hit. She was actually amazed; she hadn't been hit once since she arrived here.
The man seemed to break out of his thoughts when he noticed she was staring at him, "Oh sorry." He said with a sheepish smile, then his eyes lit as if he just remembered something, "How rude of me, I forgot to introduce myself!" he bowed, bowed to her and said, "The names Monk Miroku, but you can just call me Miroku. I'm a doctor here in this healing ward, your doctor to be precise!" he chirped, and her eyes widened.
He bowed to her! Wait, Monk Miroku? This guy was a Monk? Weren't Monk's supposed to be bald though? Then again, what did she know, nothing? She was an item, and item's weren't smart. She could barely read…
"So, Kagome, I see here that you only became a mute when you were ten." Miroku continued, looking at her documents again. He sent her a sideways glance, "So you've spoken before."
He then put a finger to his chin in a contemplating manor, "I wonder what could have silenced such a beautiful maiden's voice!" he spoke very dramatically, and she couldn't help the brief smile that graced her features, but it was gone, almost instantly, as the memories his statement brought flooded through her.
Images of his death, his blood, flashed through her mind. The cries…the screams, his eyes, pain filled, then blank. His form falling, falling forever, onto the ground. Right before her now, glassy, empty eyes. So much blood. More screams, weeping, him laying eerily still…Naraku's smile…
Images of his death assaulted her, haunting her, always haunting her. The blood spewing from his neck, the sickening gurgle noises he made as he tried to breath, tried to live, clawing at his windpipe. So much blood…the screams, his eyes, haunting eyes. Her mother's face, her hand reaching to him as he finally landed on the ground. Naraku's happy, sickening gleeful smile…
Before she could stop herself, she was crying again. It felt so recent, but it was seven years ago. Their death's forever haunted her, everywhere she turned at unexpected moments they were there. Always there. And she hated how she cried, how she was to weak to stop crying.
A hand was placed gently on her shoulder, this time she didn't flinch away. It was oddly comforting; knowing she wasn't alone, she always felt so alone when she remembered them. It was her fault in the end, she knew this, lived with it, and yet it tore her apart. If she had done this differently, if she had acted this way instead of that. They consumed her.
"It's ok Kagome." Miroku's softly spoken words snapped her out of her horrors. She turned to face him, her face tear stained as she stared at him in disbelief. It was ok? How could he say such things, he didn't even know what happened, how her life has been. How could he say it was ok!
How could he say the deaths of her family were ok, that all the pain she had gone through in slavery was ok. How could he say such things! It wasn't ok, she realized, it was really, really wrong. Everything was wrong, her life was wrong! For years she denied it, told herself it was just the way things were, she had it good compared to some. She buried her hate, her voice, her feelings as best she could. She didn't want people to get hurt. And all he could say was that it was ok?
Sango said it was ok to, but it wasn't, it never was. She had been hurt to, and she still said it was ok. Why did everyone keep telling her this? Why did they say it was ok, when it wasn't? They knew it wasn't ok, she wasn't ok, nothing was ok. Were they trying to delude her into actually believing them?
Her sorrow snapped into anger, and roughly she pushed him away. She didn't care about the consequences, she just wanted to cause pain, to destroy things, do something to unleash her pent up rage. Hell, she welcomed them to hurt her, make her hate them more. She needed them to hurt her, so she could focus all her hate into them, hate them instead of herself. Hate them so much that she couldn't think of anything else but hating them.
She slithered off her bed and stood, her body's adrenalin running. She was so mad…so full of hate. She never was able to release the pent up emotions in her, and now, they were coming out. It wasn't fair of her she knew, to take it out on poor Miroku who did nothing but try to comfort her. But she didn't care, she was to mad to care, to broken to care.
She hadn't even realized she had pushed him away from her so hard. He was actually on the floor, clutching a bleeding arm that had ran into something. She didn't know what, she didn't know really where she was. Vaguely she was aware of voices, she didn't pay much attention to them. She knew she had to leave before she hurt someone innocent, someone like Miroku.
So she tried to run, but something had grabbed her ankle, knocking her to the floor. Before she knew it she was pinned, something heavy was on top of her, 'Miroku.' She realized after a moment. She struggled, something sharp was jabbed into her arm and she yelled in frustration.
Within seconds her body became sluggish, and she didn't know why, didn't understand why. She had been so full of energy before, now, she felt like she needed to sleep. "Uuummm…" she mumbled out, trying to talk but even her tongue was slack. Why did she want to talk anyways? She wasn't thinking straight, she couldn't be.
She heard Miroku say something to her, an apology? She couldn't tell, everything around her was messed up, a swirl of colors. Now that she thought about it, she couldn't feel anything anymore, not her body, not the cold of the floor, not even the weight that must still be there from Miroku sitting on her. Nothing. 'Finally.' She thought, a sluggish smile gracing her lips, 'The gods let me be numb.'
And with that thought, her vision faded.
"I honestly don't know what triggered her sudden outburst. I guess I said some things I shouldn't have, but she shouldn't have reacted so violently. I think the problem was deep down, something more troubling in her past. Maybe what I said triggered a very angry memory?" she heard voices, she couldn't understand what they were saying, she didn't feel very lucid at the moment.
"What did you say to her?" it was a different voice; she knew she should have recognized both of these voices, but she couldn't really think straight, her thoughts were disorganized.
"Well, she was crying, I don't know why, and I said it was ok." Things were becoming a little clearer, but she still felt to groggy to open her eyes, to really do anything but listen. Even that was hard, because it took to much effort to pay attention.
"Fool." The other voice said disdainfully, she still couldn't quite place it…she knew she knew these people!
"Why would you say that, I was only comforting her." The other familiar voice asked, oh gods she was still so tiered. What happened again?
"It was a foolish thing to say to any slave. Everything will be ok, nothing is ok for them, their slaves." The voice snapped, annoyance and even slight disappointment was quite evident. Now why would she think that odd for this voice?
"I guess your right…now that I think about it that way, it only seems logical. I probably said it was ok to some sort of bad memory, and she just snapped…" the voice seemed solemn, now she knew who it was, that was Miroku!
"Of course I'm right." The other voice stated, back to its original cold emotionless self. Now she remembered, Lord Sesshy. Wait, where did she get that name? Oh right, Miroku had mention it. That still didn't explain why she felt so tiered…or why she was back in bed. Did she pass out without realizing it? Miroku had said she should have been out for at the very least three days.
"Its ok Kagome."
Suddenly her memories came back in full swing, and she suppressed a groan. What the hell was she thinking, doing something so stupid! Now she was gonna get it, maybe even die! Oh gods Kagome, why, why did you do it! Lord Sesshy and Miroku are probably discussing a punishment right now, that's probably why Lord Sesshy is here. Oh gods, she was going to get it good now!
"Kagome?" She was surprised to say the least when she heard the cold collected voice directed at her. She opened her eyes, the room still swam. She looked over at them, Miroku was staring at her oddly, probably afraid of her now…
"Uuummm…" she moaned, letting them now she was indeed awake. She was still much to tiered to even move her eyes, let alone her arms. It was a challenge keeping them open, especially since the room still swam. Her mind was still muddled, she hated that, she still couldn't think clearly and it annoyed her.
Lord Sesshy turned a harsh glare at Miroku; "I thought you said she would be out for a good five hours." He hissed, and Miroku looked just as puzzled, "I thought she would, like I said, it makes no sense why she is recovering so quickly!"
Lord Sesshy looked at her for a moment, before turning back to Miroku, "But it has only been half an hour, are you sure you gave her the right amount?" he then shook his head, "No matter, she's awake now, nothing can change that."
Miroku was about to protest that when Lord Sesshy silenced him with a clawed hand, "Not now." He stated before turning to face her, she could barely make his face out, it was all swirly and distorted.
"Girl, your behavior from earlier is unacceptable." He stated, glaring at her, she only blinked at him. Even though her mind was working a bit more clearly, she still had to take time to process the strange distorted noises she heard, let alone make an understandable answer.
"Um, sorry?" she spoke sloppily without realizing, and she didn't even understand why he, or even Miroku looked so surprised. She hadn't said anything, only thought it; did she have mind powers or something? Damn, her thoughts were still muddled, why couldn't she think clearly?
"What did you say?" Lord Sesshy asked her, and she gave him a confused stare. Did she say something? Apparently she did, but why did it make her feel bad to know that? Ok, so she was crazy and tried to hurt Miroku, something about memories, she couldn't sort it out, anything out. Why was she here again? 'Oh look, it's a ceiling!' She blinked a few times, 'Focus Kagome, focus!'
"Umm, Sorry?" she lazily said again, still clearly disoriented. The two messed up looking men stared at each other for a moment, before looking back at Kagome.
"Kagome, go back to sleep, you're clearly tiered, and not in your right mind." Miroku coaxed; now why would he say something like that? She wasn't crazy anymore, tiered yes, crazy no. Just a little confused? Wait, wasn't that crazy? How the hell would she know?
"No, stay awake." Lord Sesshy demanded, and she shrugged, ok, she would try.
"Ummm Kay." She slurred her words together, and Miroku sent Lord Sesshy a glare, though, she didn't know why. Did he do something wrong? Or maybe she did? 'Lord Sesshy has long hair.' She thought absently, staring at him sideways, 'It's pretty.'
"Why were you mad at Miroku earlier?" Lord Sesshy suddenly asked her, and she stared at him, "Don't yeah know? Memories. You said…bad, Miroku was bad." Apparently she couldn't even speak clearly, but she didn't realize.
Lord Sesshy looked at Miroku with a raised eyebrow, "What exactly did you give the girl?" he questioned, but she didn't know why he said that. Didn't he know? He was talking about it earlier with him…at least she thought he was. 'Golden eyes, I wish I had golden eyes like his.' Her mind couldn't seem to remain focused on one thing for to long.
"What I give every other patient that goes on a rampage." He stated, looking at Lord Sesshy quizzically, "But usually they are asleep for five hours."
Lord Sesshy looked at her again; he really was pretty, almost pretty like a girl. Was that makeup on his cheeks? No, silly Kagome, they were markings! But then why was he wearing a boa like a girl would? Maybe he's a cross dresser? That would be funny, mommy told her about cross dressers before. Imagine the giant Lord Sesshy, a cross dresser that everyone feared!
A giggle escaped her lips, and he looked at her oddly. She really was not with it, totally out of it. A smile crept upon his features, what a perfect opportunity to use this vulnerability to gain information on her. Besides, even though it was slightly hoarse from lack of use, and her words slurred and never made much sense, he enjoyed talking to her, hearing her, seeing her…happy. Even if it was a crazy almost psychotic happy induced by drugs…
"Tell me woman, what are the 'bad memories' that got you mad at 'bad Miroku'." He talked to her like she was a small child, and maybe in mind she was at the moment. She looked thoughtful; it was almost funny to see, before she finally answered, "Bad Naraku, he really did mean things." At this his eyebrow raised, he knew Naraku was not the best slave owner, but what could he have done?
"What bad things did 'bad Naraku' do?" he asked her, and Miroku frowned at him, clearly not liking how he gathered his information. Though he agreed with the monk on some terms, knowing that this wasn't a very honorable thing to do, but on the other hand it was the only way he would find out. He doubted, since their last confrontation before he found her ill, that she would ever speak again once she became lucid enough to think clearly.
Kagome seemed to shutter slightly, before she finally answered, "So much blood, its not ok, stop saying its ok! Don't…stop…please…" now he was intrigued, curious even, what horrible past was she hiding?
"Whose blood girl? What's not ok?" here he sent Miroku a winning look, and Miroku only glowered at him. For some strange reason he found it easier to act more human around this monk then any other person.
"He took them away forever…never coming back. I screamed, mommy cried…He did things; horrible things…make him stop Lord Sesshy! Make him stop!" He blinked and looked over at Miroku who was whistling innocently. 'Lord Sesshy?' he would have to ask him about it at a later time, right now, he had to decipher her messed up riddles.
"Who did he hurt woman? What bad things did he do?" he was growing impatient with the girl's useless babble, he was almost wishing she would become lucid, act normal. It was pitiful to watch.
She was quiet for a long while, and for a moment he wondered if she had become more lucid and realized what she had been doing, but he was quickly corrected when she spoke, very quietly, "He…" but then she stopped, and her eyes widened. She clamped a hand on her mouth in disbelief, and right then he knew she had come back to her old self.
Kagome stared at them, what had she done? She spoke; she broke her long lasting vow! It wasn't fair! It shouldn't count, she wasn't in her right mind when it happened, but damn it all, it wasn't fair!
She shrunk into her covers, trying to hide her bitter shame. Yes, she felt ashamed of herself. She had broken the only vow she had ever made in her life, and vows, to her at least, were sacred, not matter what someone was. It just wasn't fair though! After all these years of silence, it all ended, just like that, because she couldn't think clearly.
Lord Sesshy stared at her, and she only hid under the covers more. He was probably disappointed in her, but then, he wanted to talk, maybe he was more sad that she wasn't? What did she care anyways? Her vow, her precious vow, it was shattered, never to return.
Lord Sesshy suddenly turned and left after giving Miroku a pointed look. She turned to look at Miroku with a questioning glance, what were they going to do to her now? She knew she had to be punished, like Lord Sesshy said, her behavior was unacceptable.
"Well Kagome, in just a few days you'll be as good as new to leave the hospital. I want to keep monitoring you for a few days just incase something weird happens." Miroku spoke to her; a kind smile on his face, and it caused her heart to squirm in guilt, remembering what she did to him.
Her eyes trailed over to his bandaged arm…she had done that to him…more guilt ate at her, she knew no matter her anger she should have retained more self-control. Miroku was nothing, at the moment, but nice to her. He saved her life even, and look at how she treated him in her thanks. He even comforted her, though, he did say the wrong thing that sort of triggered it all, but the point was he tried.
Miroku turned to leave, and before she could stop herself, she grabbed his arm. He stopped, slightly surprised, and he turned to look at her, "Yes, Kagome?" why did he always have to say her name, she felt so unworthy for his kindness at the moment it almost made her sick.
She pulled him closer, so she could reach up his arm. He stared at her confused, but she wanted to say she was sorry, she had to let him know somehow. So she leaned against his arm, and gently rubbed the bandage, and couldn't help the small sniffle that escaped her lips. She just felt so bad for doing what she did…
She knew she couldn't speak her words to him, after all, she decided, the time she spoke didn't count so her vow wasn't invalid. She made up her mind that it only worked when she was thinking clearly, no one said she couldn't change it slightly. So she was back to her vow and she'd be damned if she didn't stick to it like glue.
Miroku smiled at her, "It's ok, I forgive you." he said it so easily, so sincerely that she couldn't help but believe him. How could he forgive her so quickly? Would he turn around and start saying that he still had to hurt her? She didn't want to be hurt anymore…
She let go of his arm, smiling slightly at him, and he smiled in return before he turned and left. She could have sworn she heard him say something once he was out of her room, but her hearing wasn't like a demon's so she wasn't certain.
And she waited…
But no one came to hurt her. She was still left alone, feeling better then she ever had in her whole life. In an actual bed, that was really comfy to, with people that were taking care of her. She still felt very sore, especially her side, but that couldn't be helped, and she was thankful, so thankful, that she was still alive.
So she slumped down into the covers, and what was supposed to be a blissful sigh but turned into a small gasp escaped her. Gingerly, she reached for her side, and lifted up the strange, what she could only assume to be, hospital robes. She blinked, and blinked, and blinked. There was string in her side, now who went and put that there?
She reached towards it, bent on taking it out before she got an infection or something like she did with the knife, and screamed when she pulled on it. The string, it was looped around the inside of her skin! Hell, it was almost part of her skin!
Panic grasped her, and she didn't know what to do. Did she have more of this string in her somewhere else? What if it was a strange string demon trying to take over her body! 'Oh gods, no!' she didn't want to be taken over by a weird string demon, and she'd be damned if she let herself go willingly!
Decision made, she was just about to start tearing the string out of her, no matter the pain, when Miroku rushed inside her door, panting. He saw her, and yelled at her to stop, and with wide eyes she complied.
"Don't ever try that again!" he snapped, his cheerful nature gone for the moment. Confusion clouded her eyes as she stared at him in a somewhat questioning manor. He simply sighed and walked over to her bed.
With a smile he pointed to the strange string, "These are stitches, they help keep your wound closed. If you pull them out, your wound will open and a whole bunch of bad things could happen." He explained, patting her head like she was a small child. Perhaps he had forgotten she was sane again?
Her heart jumped when a female suddenly burst through the door, panting as well while holding a syringe in her hand. She stared at the startled face of her, before turning to the mocking smile of Miroku. Fuming, she stepped through the doorway, her panicked look fading into one of annoyance as she placed her hands on her hips, "There's no emergency here!"
Miroku laughed feebly, "I guess not, sorry." His eyes lingered over to her and she blinked at him, befuddled by what they were talking about. An apologetic look crossed his features, "Sorry Kagome, we heard you scream and we weren't sure what was going on." He explained, and she blushed, remembering her loud screech when she tried to pull her…stitches…out.
The nurse huffed irritably, blond hair swaying as she shook her head, "I think you just wanted some alone time with another unconscious girl you pervert!" she pointed a finger accusingly in his face but he waved it aside, his face growing solemn.
Fixing the nurse with a sincere look he spoke, "Now, now, you have it all wrong. I was merely concerned for lady Kagome's safety." He spoke earnestly, and she blushed at his titled usage. To think she had attacked this man…
The nurse however, seemed unconvinced, "That's what you said when you were checking up on the brown haired beauty in the coma room." She fumed, "I caught you stroking her breast you sicko! I mean really, she was unconscious!"
Miroku laughed sheepishly, "Nonsense, I was not taking advantage of a coma patient! I was saving her from a relapse!" he defended, though his sheepish grin remained. The nurse cried in outrage, "I knew it! You are just a big pervert!"
Miroku smiled as he turned the nurse around so she was facing the door. With a hand across her shoulders he began to lead her out, "Now I think your just being rude." He put a hand to his head dramatically, "To think one such as myself would ever take advantage of a beautiful woman with silky brown hair and breasts the size of-"
"Stop right there!" the nurse cried, glaring at him, "Please I don't need to listen to anymore!"
Miroku merely chuckled as he continued to lead her out, and from her vantage point Kagome saw his hand steadily but slowly creeping towards her rear. A little after they were out of the room, the door closing behind them, Kagome heard the nurse screech at him before a loud slapping noise came afterwards.
'That was…odd.' She concluded, having never before seen such a side to her adored kind doctor. Perhaps there really was more then meets the eye when it came to Miroku. 'I'll have to watch myself around him…' She concluded, shaking her head as she laid in her covers, taking pleasure in the time she had to relax before she would be discharged and back to slavery.
Well, that's the end of another chapter, sorry it took so long. My computer went all stupid on me and deleted it when I was a page away from being done, then I didn't really have motive to re-type it because I was so mad. Eventually I got around to it and little by little it was done.
I don't think I like it though so let me know if I should re-write it or not! Well, until next time! THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR WONDERFUL REVIEWS! I GOT SO MANY! HAPPY WRITING!