"I hate it when you make me cry,
Even worse when you make me laugh."
There are so many things I hate about you. I hate the way you call me 'Shuichi-chan' when you're annoyed. It makes me feel like I'm four years old. You always say it just to piss me off. 'Stop being so vain, Shuichi-chan' or 'You're showing off again, Shuichi-chan' or 'Stop doing that, Shuichi-chan'. You don't say it mean or anything, just annoyed like you're teasing me. I hate it.
I hate it when you touch me. I hate how, for a second, your skin is brushing mine, whether in a hug or just a casual touch. I hate how it sends an electric shock through me that you can't feel, and I hate how you dismiss it as nothing. I know it's nothing to you, but, dammit, it's something to me! I hate it.
I hate it when you touch anyone else. Remember that time She (only a friend back then) was hurt on one of our missions? You grasped Her shoulder. Surely such a casual touch shouldn't have set me off like that! I hate how seeing you willingly touch anyone else can send such a hot wave of jealousy through me.
I hate it when you show up at my house dispirited and angry over how the relationship with Her wasn't going well. I hate it when you let me hug you and reassure you it'll all work out. And I lie. And I hate myself for lying to you. I know it won't work out. But even more I hate myself because I don't want it to work out.
I hate it when you kiss Her in front of me. I hate it when you kiss anybody in front of me. Godammit, Hiei, it's not fair. You shouldn't have this effect on me. You're just a guy and I'm not gay or bi even. It's just…it's you. And it's not fucking fair.
I hated it that one time when you couldn't sleep and you crawled into my bed with me...younuzzled into my chest, tucking your head under my chin. I hated it when you talked to me like that, your breath against my skin. I hated it when you slipped and you head moved just wrong so that your lips were against my skin. I hate your fucking insomnia.
I hate the jokes. I hate it when you catch me looking at you and you tease me about a crush on you with that despicable, all-knowing smirk on your face. And you don't even know. How could you? I'm better at keeping secrets than you ever were. But I still hate the jokes.
I hate Her. I hate Her for making you cry and making you think you're not worthy of love. I hate Her for demanding you to let her leave youwhen the whole team had been there, listening. I hate Her for making you come to my house dispirited and angry and broken…yet again.
I hate Her for destroying you.
I hate it when you go through my things, Hiei. I hate it when you flip open a random notebook and start reading lyrics and poems I scribbled out in dark when you weren't there. I hate it when you corner me and demand to know why your name is in all the love songs.
I hate it when you scream at me and tell me you're not worth it. When you break down sobbing and shove at me when I try to hold you. When you tell me that I need to move on because no one could love you, not even the sister you so love and cherish, or She, the woman who you had hoped to spend the rest of eternity with.
I hate it when I kiss you and you gasp, then return the kiss through tears. I hate it when your arms wrap around my neck and then fall.
I hate myself for this. This wasn't supposed to happen.
And after so long living with this love that wasn't ever meant to be, I hate myself for enjoying it and feeling it.
But as much as I hate myself and the stupid things you do and the way I hate enjoying the feeling of your breath against my face…
I still love you, Hiei.
Who is 'She'? That's for you to guess.
Thinking about writing a companion fic to this, a multi-chapter story. What do you think?