Disclaimer: I do not own the Fellowship, everything belongs to JRR Tolkien. What is the point of these anyway? If I were JRR Tolkien did own LOTR, then I would not be here on I would be famous! I would also be dead…Hmm, I'd rather be here on :)
Windsong of Darkness Presents
In Which Merry Gets 'Flu
…A tale of hilarity and disaster from beginning to end…
A thin, quavering voice broke the silence of the night.
"Awagorn? Awagorn!" Hearing the attempt at his name, the Ranger Aragorn woke immediately.
"What is it, Merry?" he whispered. The hobbit called again.
"Shh, you'll wake the others. I'm coming." Aragorn picked his way between the other sleeping members of the Fellowship.
"Hush, I told you, I am coming!" The Ranger crouched beside Merry's bedroll.
"What is it?" he asked. Merry groaned.
"I feel sig."
"I dunno! First I was all hot and dow I'm fweezing gold! I ache all ober and by head hurts! By thwoat hurts too and by dose id bwocked!"
Aragorn felt Merry's forehead.
"Hmm…I think you have a temperature." Merry started.
"Does thad bean I'm dyig! I don'd wand do die!" Aragorn couldn't help but smile.
"No, Merry, it means you've got 'flu. Don't worry, you'll live."
"Bud I feel awful! By head id weally sore and I'm so gold! Gan I hab som more bwankets?"
"No, sorry, Merry." Aragorn shook his head. "More blankets will make your temperature go up, and then you'll feel even worse." The Ranger stood up and went to fetch his pack. "I will get something to bring it down, as well as some painkilling herbs."
The Ranger came back with his pack and a cup that he tried to hand to Merry, but the hobbit refused.
"DO! I bill NOD take any ob your boisons, Stwider!"
"Merry, if you want to get better, then you will have to drink this."
"Come on, Merry!" Aragorn tried to convince the hobbit to drink, but to no avail.
"I'm NOD dwinking dat sduff! Do, do, do! Dot I!" Merry turned over, so that his back was to the Ranger.
"Look, Merry, I will give you one more chance to drink this and then I am getting backup!" Aragorn was starting to get irritated now.
"DO! I am NOD dwinking dat and dat id final!" Merry seemed to have made up his mind.
"Fair enough." Aragorn got up. "I'm getting Legolas then."
The Ranger found the elf and bent over him. Before he even had a chance to whisper his friend's name, the elf was awake.
"Estel…" said Legolas groggily. "What do you want? I felt your presence."
"I am sorry to wake you at this hour, mellon nin, but Merry is sick and I can't get him to take his medicine."
"Urgh, I don't blame him." Legolas pulled a face and made as if to go back to sleep.
"Come on Legolas, don't be difficult!" Aragorn protested, "I need your help!"
"Well, what is wrong with him?" the elf asked, sitting up, "If the Halfling is going to sick up all over me, then there is absolutely no way that I am going to render my aid."
"No, I think he's caught 'flu, and he doesn't seem to be nauseous."
"All right, Estel, seeing as we have known each other so long, I will do it for you."
"Hannon le, mellon nin."
"Don't 'mellon nin' me, Estel!" Scowling, Legolas got out of bed and followed Aragorn to Merry's bedroll. The hobbit rolled over to face them. "See," said Aragorn, "I have brought backup!"
"Humph! You sdill gan'd make me take dat boison!" Legolas sat down beside him.
"Come on now, Merry, you're being silly. Just take the medicine so that I can go back to bed."
"DO!" Meriadoc aimed a punch at the elf, but missed.
"Don't you lose your temper at me, Meriadoc Brandybuck! Just take the medicine already…" he winked at Aragorn, "unless you want to die?"
"DO DO DO DO DO!" Aragorn groaned.
"Well, then I am going to have to resort to more forceful tactics! Legolas, hold him down, please. Make sure you get his arms and legs – I don't want a fist or a foot in the eye!" Aragorn picked up the cup, and Legolas pinned Merry down. The Ranger prized the hobbit's mouth open and tipped some of the cup's contents into it. Merry abruptly spat the mixture into Legolas' face.
"Aargh! You horrible little Halfling! Look what you've done! It's all over my face now, and in my hair! Ack!" The elf released Merry and began to scrub at his face with his nightshirt. Merry took this as an opportunity to land Aragorn a punch on the nose. He may have been sick, but he was still strong enough to make it hurt.
"Aargh! Merry! Dat'd NOD funny! I'b only tryig do helb you! Dow by dose id bleedig!"
"Hurrumph, serbes you right, you old boisoner!" Merry turned his back again, but Aragorn grabbed him.
"You're taking that medicine if it kills me! Legolas, I need you back here!"
"Forget it, Estel! I am not being subjected to his abuse!"
"Fine! FINE!" growled an irate Ranger, "Get Boromir then, he's not as image conscious as you, but I'm warning you, if he catches 'flu, it will be wholly and solely YOUR fault!"
"Because elves can't get sick, you know that!"
"Well, I'm fetching Boromir, and that's that!" Legolas disappeared.
Some minutes later, a half asleep Boromir stumbled up to Aragorn, his blanket wrapped around him.
"Where's Legolas?" the Ranger asked.
"Back…in…bed…" Boromir yawned. Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"All right, Aragorn, what is it you want me for? Legolas said something about 'flu, but he was so busy scrubbing at his face that the rest came out all muffled. What happened to him? He looked as though he'd been through hell!"
"Oh, young Meriadoc here managed to spit a mouthful of medication into his face. Luckily for him, elves can't catch 'flu, else he'd be a likely candidate. That's what I want you for – to help me get Merry to take the stuff. So far all we've managed is a lot of violence, because Merry flatly refuses to take the medicine. I think I have a plan though…Come with me, and bring the glass and my pack." The two men got up and held a hushed conversation out of earshot of Merry. They came back, Aragorn holding a wooden bowl and Boromir holding the pack and an empty glass.
"Merry?" said Aragorn, bending over him, "Cold mushroom soup?"
"Whad?" Merry had a quick attitude change. "Whad did you say? Mushroom soup? Oh, yes, blease!" Trying to master a grin, Aragorn handed him the bowl. .:Oh, please don't let him try to sip it slowly:. But Merry gulped down the contents, greedy eater that he was. When he was done, he pulled a face. "YEUCH! WHAD BARIETY WAS DAT! Waid…dat wasn'd mushroom soup…id was dat howwid sduff of yours! I have been trigged! I hade you Awagorn! I hade you fowever! You awe nod my fwiend anymore!"
"Merry, you don't say "hate" to friends!" Boromir scolded.
"I jusd said he's nod my fwiend, so I GAN hade him if I wand!" Aragorn and Boromir rolled their eyes. Well, at least they had got the medicine into Merry.
Aragorn dusted off his hands.
"Humph, woke me up for nothing!" Boromir stomped off back to bed, grumbling. Aragorn disappeared and reappeared with his bedroll and blanket.
"Merry," he said, "Out of the kindness of my heart, I am going to sleep beside you so that I will be here if you need me."
"Humph!" Merry rolled over. "Lasd time I'm callig you when I'm feelig sig! I'll Pip instead!"
"Yeah right. He'll probably try to perform brain surgery or something on you, and then we'll really be in trouble. Goodnight, Merry."
"Strider! Strider!" Pippin's shrill voice brought the Ranger to his senses. It was morning, and the little hobbit was standing over him, wailing loudly. "Merry hit me, and it HURTS, Strider! I just came over to say good-morning, and what do you think I get! Not a 'good-morning Pippin' or a 'how are you this morning Pip', but a fist in the eye!"
"Let me see, Pip." Aragorn sat up and examined the hobbit's eye. "Oh dear, it does look a bit red."
"What's his problem!"
"He's got 'flu."
"It still doesn't give him permission to treat people like this. I'm going to have a word with him. Merry?"
"Yez? Iv diz iz abouwd da incident wiv Bib, den I don'd wan'd do dawlg abouwd id." He sounded a lot worse this morning.
"Well, you are going to have to talk about it! I know you're not feeling very well at the moment – I've had 'flu before, so I know how you feel, but that still doesn't excuse your behaviour. Poor Pippin! How do you think he feels? He comes to say good-morning and you just hit him! How is he supposed to know that you aren't feeling -"
"Bwah bwah bwah…"
"Merry! I'm talking to you!"
"Mewwy, I'b dawlgig do you!"
"Merry! Stop that now!"
"Mewwy! Stob dad dow!"
"I'm warning you!"
"I'b warnig you!"
"Look, I'm just going to ignore you until you stop this childish behaviour!"
"Loog, I'b juzd goig do ignow you until you stob thiz childij behaviour!" Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"Merry? Please don't hit me again, because I'm coming to ask how you are." Half an hour later, Pippin approached Merry again, this time exercising a fair amount of caution.
"Mewwy, pwease don'd hid me again, begauze I'b gomig do asg how you aw." Clearly, Merry had not yet tired of his game.
"How are you feeling?" Pippin came closer…too close. Merry kicked him. Aragorn, who had been mixing herbs nearby, grabbed him and shook him fiercely.
"What do you think you are! Are wild horse! Listen to me! We don't kick people -"
"Hobbidz," Merry corrected him. Aragorn snorted and tried again.
"We don't kick living things! Happy!"
"Whad aboud orgs and fell beazdz?"
"You can kick orcs alright, but I wouldn't advise kicking a fell beast. You always find some sort of loophole though, don't you!"
"Oh, forget it!"
"Zo I gan gig anybody I wanna 'cebd fell beazdz?" asked Merry hopefully.
"Look, Merry, if you don't stop being so unpleasant and obnoxious, then I might well force feed you some preparation for insomnia."
"Ack! I'll behabe!" Merry panicked, "You'll zee! Juzd don'd boison be!"
"All right, now hold still. You don't look too good – I think your temperature's gone up again." Aragorn felt Merry's forehead. "Yes, it has. You'll have to take some more medicine." The hobbit's eyes went wide with terror.
"DO," he squeaked, "DO, you'll gill me!"
"I will not kill you! Remember your promise?"
"Dad was only iv you didn'd boison be!" Merry was crying now.
"For the last time, I am NOT going to poison you!"
"Yez you AW! GO AWAY!" Merry kicked Aragorn in the shin…hard.
"Aargh! What is with you! Do you take pleasure in inflicting pain upon others!"
"Ubon you, yez, begause you aw indend ubon boisonig be!"
"LEGOLAS!" Aragorn yelled. The elf strolled up, fully dressed and drying his hair with Merry's cloak.
"What is it this time, Estel?"
"I need you to hold Merry down again. He still refuses to take the medicine." Legolas shook his head.
"Uh uh - NO! I have just spent two whole hours washing my hair in the river, and I am not planning on going back in there right now!"
"Fine, then why don't YOU try to convince him to take it!"
"All right, I will!" Legolas bent over Merry.
"Watch out!" Aragorn warned, "He'll hit you!"
"I know," said Legolas dryly, "I was the first one he tried to pull that one on. Merry, if you don't take your medicine, you'll get really sick. You don't want that to happen, do you?"
Merry shook his head nervously.
"Then take your medicine!"
"DO!" Legolas leapt back as Merry tried to punch him.
"All right, then you'll just have to get really sick and die!" Legolas shrugged and made as if to leave. "Suits me."
"Do; waid!" Merry cried, "I'll dake bedizen!" Aragorn stared at him in disbelief.
"DAKE DA BEDIZEN!" Merry sobbed. Aragorn patted him on the back. "Now that's more like it!" Merry lunged at him, and Aragorn had to dodge to avoid a fist in the mouth. Legolas grinned mischievously.
"I always knew there was some good in you!" He unwisely reached out to pat the hobbit on the head, but Merry bit the elf's finger hard, and wouldn't let go.
"RHAICH!" Legolas swore, "OW OW OW! Let go! LET GO!" Merry just growled and bit down harder, grinding his teeth. This was too much for Legolas, who howled in agony and gave Merry a resounding slap through the face with his free hand. Merry screamed. Legolas pulled his finger free and examined it, bending it experimentally. "Hmm, doesn't appear to be broken, but it is bleeding!"
"Zobby," Merry mumbled, rubbing his stinging cheek.
"Ow ow OW! Estel! Is he rabid?" Legolas asked nervously.
"No, I don't think so."
"Well do you have anything I can put on it then? OW! Just look at my poor finger – bruised and bleeding!"
"Yes, mix some athelas with water and soak your finger in that for a while. The athelas is in my pack." Muttering and cursing, Legolas picked up the pack and found the herbs as well as some bandages. "If I get an infection, that hobbit will DIE, because I will personally -" Aragorn shot him a warning look.
"Just go and fix your finger. The longer you mess about the more likely you are to get an infection, so stop fussing and go!"
"Humph!" Legolas took the herbs and bandages and disappeared. Presently, cries of dismay could be heard from Sam Gamgee.
"Oh my bowl! Where is my bowl!" Aragorn groaned. Why couldn't Legolas have used his own bowl? He just had to get up to mischief, didn't he?
"Right, Merry, I don't want a fuss. You said you'd take the medicine, so here it is. Remember, NO FUSSING!" Aragorn held out the cup and Merry hesitated, before taking it gingerly, as if he were afraid it would bite him (or poison him). "All right, good," said Aragorn, "You've got the cup. Now, drink the contents."
Merry took a cautious sip. His eyes went wide as two saucers and he forced himself to swallow.
"YEURGH! WHAD ID DIZ SDUFF!" He demanded. Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"How many times must I tell you! It is medicine that will bring your temperature down and help you feel better!"
"Now now, remember what you said? Finish it." Merry gulped, held his nose, and quickly drank the medicine down.
"Well done!" Aragorn commended him, "You'll see, you'll feel much better once that starts to work."
"Gan I hab some wadder? Dad stuff id gwoss!"
"Certainly. Boromir!" He called, as the Gondorian walked past, "Won't you watch Merry while I fetch him some water. I've just managed to get him to take more medicine! Make sure he doesn't try any tricks, won't you."
"Oh, like sticking his fingers down his throat?" Boromir sat down out of range of Merry, grinning.
"Obviously. Not so loud, I don't think he knew what I was talking about – I think he does now, so you'd better watch him extra carefully!" Aragorn laughed.
"All right, go get the water then." Aragorn picked up the cup and left. Some minutes later, the Ranger returned, the cup full of cool, clear river water. "Here we are, Merry, some nice, cold water." He handed it to the hobbit, who drank half of it and suddenly tipped the rest out over their heads.
"Aargh, Merry!" they both cried, but Merry turned over on his bedroll and was so tired that he actually fell asleep, escaping punishment.
"At last!" said Legolas, reappearing with his finger done up in bandages, "He's asleep!"
"Aye!" Aragorn flopped onto his bedroll and closed his eyes wearily. "I can't believe it! I was beginning to think that I would never see peace and quiet again! I -"
"Stwider!" Pippin called. "I don'd feel well!"
"Oh no, Estel!" Legolas sighed sympathetically as he helped his friend to his feet. "I suppose you had better go and help him. I sure am glad that I am not you!" Aragorn groaned, preparing himself for another sleepless night.
LOL! This was my first humour fic that I ever wrote! I wrote this way back last year during our June/July exams…wow, there are exams coming up pretty soon! Good luck to those of you who are writing! I have published to say sorry for not updating in so long, as my computer on the net. has been broken, and I was on this wonderful horsey holiday. Well, computer is fixed now, and updates are back on schedule!