Disclaimer: I don't own the Office or the Stanzaic Morte Arthure.
Spoilers: I make random references throughout, but nothing too spoiler-y ever.
Author's Note: Since I met the Queen of England today, I want to write a surreal story. So, back-story: Tonight is the night of the Oxford Union May Ball, which wouldn't be that exciting except for the fact that this year it's a masquerade being held at Blenheim Palace. Amazing. So I stood in line for tickets last Tuesday (when tickets went on sale) for three hours and right as I made it up to the office, they sold out. However, my flatmate got a ticket (and really, could have gotten one for me if I'd remembered to give her my ID earlier in the day), so I've been helping her get ready all day. Now she's gone and I'm sadly at home and I can't help but hope that, all of a sudden, my fairy godmother is going to appear and make me a coach out of a pumpkin. Because I already met Queen Elizabeth II today, so, really, anything can happen. So because I'm sitting here really wishing I could be Cinderella, meanwhile reading lots of Medieval Lit for my 3rd week essays, I have been inspired to write this. One-shot, one sitting, just my style, to commemorate the day when I meet the Queen and miss the ball.
Summary: An epic poem in medieval Arthurian style about how Brave Young Jim saves Fair Maiden Pam from the evil King Michael Scott. Ridiculous.
In the tone and style of the Stanzaic Morte Arthure:
Once upon a kingdom fair
A special boy was born
With strapping arms and bright brown eyes
And hair he wore unshorn.
His name was Jim and everyone said
That he would lead a happy life,
But when he was young, a terrible fate,
Threw him into strife.
Kidnapped by the Warehouse People
Led by the evil King Michael Scott,
Jim was forced to shovel paper
And happy he was not.
All the other townsfolk were with him
All were bound to misery
But Jim did not give up hope yet,
He said "I'll set us free!"
The other townsfolk laughed and laughed
And told him not to try,
They said they'd all shovel paper
For the rest of their long lives.
For King Michael Scott was evil
And he was not alone
The Warehouse people worked for him
To keep him on his throne.
King Michael Scott was devilish mad,
And told jokes that weren't funny,
And when the townsfolk did not laugh at them
He would not let them go pee
(this was really the idea
of the King's evil Underlord
the assistant to King Michael Scott,
Dwight the Prude, whom the King adored,
Because a bathroom is a privilege).
Though Jim shoveled paper for many years,
For how many he forgot,
He never gave up his hope
To escape King Michael Scott.
Then one day when working hard
Shoveling paper in the mine
A new prisoner the Warehouse People brought in,
A maiden fair and fine.
This maiden's name was Pam he learned,
And she was fairest in the land.
Her hair fell in golden spirals
And she was soft of hand.
Because she was so beautiful
No townsperson was surprised
To hear that one of the Warehouse People
Had claimed her as his bride.
Dark Roy, who was a Warehouse person,
(though not the Foreman yet)
Had declared that he would marry Pam
When the beautiful maiden he met.
And Pam, unable to avoid,
All Dark Roy's advances
Was forced to pledge herself to him
And lose all hope of other romances.
One day when Jim was in the mines,
Shoveling all that paper,
He saw fair Pam there weeping
And asked what was wrong with her.
"I do not love Dark Roy," she said
Tears streaming down her face,
"I do not want to marry him,
but want to get out of this place."
The townsfolk laughed as fair Pam spoke,
They said her marriage she'd never escape.
She might as well come to love Dark Roy
For hope it was too late.
But Jim did not laugh at the maiden,
Instead he comforted her.
"I'll win your freedom," he avowed,
"I have to fight forever."
And fair Pam then was overjoyed
And profusely thanked young Jim,
And though she did not want to admit it,
She thought she might love him.
Blushing as the thought came to her
Fair Pam turned bright red
And though she would not say just why
The townsfolk had some idea in their head(s).
When all of this was said and done
And fair Pam's tears were stopped,
Underlord Dwight the Prude rolled up
On a big blue ball that hopped.
And he asked what was going on
But no one dared to speak
Until brave Jim popped the blue ball
And Dwight the Prude let out a shriek.
"I'll tell King Michael!" Dwight then roared
"That was my fitness orb!"
But Jim just laughed right in his face
He was bold, strong, and sure.
"I want to challenge to a duel
Dark Roy, the Warehouse Man!
And if I win I want to free fair Pam
From the wedding Roy has planned."
"You'll pay for this malfeasance,"
Dwight the Prude then said,
"By getting exactly what you ask.
If you fight Dark Roy you'll be dead!"
And to find his master,
The Underlord then went
While fair Pam clung to Jim's arm
And thought him heaven sent.
When King Michael Scott heard the news
That Jim wanted to duel
He called Dark Roy to his evil office
To discuss the rules.
"You will fight young Jim,"
The King said, sure he had a plan,
"And if he wins then you will not wed
The beautiful maiden, Pam."
"But I will win," Dark Roy assured
Confident he could not lose.
"I know," returned King Michael
"That's why I allow these duels.
You will fight young Jim,
And certainly you will succeed,
And when the townsfolk's hero loses
They all will be bound to me."
"They're technically already bound to you,"
Dwight the Prude pointed out.
King Michael told him to shut it.
And so the date was set
For when the duel would occur,
And Pam was very worried
That Jim might die for her.
"Do not worry," young Jim said,
Though he did not understand her grief,
"Squire Kevin is my second,
If I die, he'll win your relief."
Jim did not think that he would die, though,
And he told fair Pam why,
He still owned a magic ring
That would not let him die.
This ring he got when still a child
From the magic fairy Katy,
She had given it to him in false hopes
That he would make her his lady.
Though Jim had never loved Katy
He had taken her ring
And now when he was in danger
It protected him from everything.
The ring was made of solid gold
And carved right in its center
Was the Purse of Luck, she'd said,
A fairy's truest mentor.
Whenever Jim's life was in danger
The ring would keep him safe
And when fair Pam had heard all this
She felt much better about having him fight in her place.
And though the two were overjoyed
That they had this secret
They were not the only two
Who now had to keep it.
White Angela, a secret witch
Who with the townsfolk led,
Had overheard this conversation
And to Dwight the Prude she fled.
"Jim has a secret ring!" she cried
"I agree," Dwight then agreed,
So Underlord Dwight rushed to King Michael
To tell him of Jim's ring
And then King Michael summoned Dark Roy
To share with him everything.
"I know that ring," Dark Roy said
"From when my men fought Katy the fairy.
But do not worry, I assure you,
The ring's magic does not work if Jim consumes no dairy."
So a dark plan formed from Dark Roy's words,
From dairy they must keep Jim,
And when the young lad ate his daily sandwich
He would be surprised what was fed to him.
Instead of ham and cheese,
Which was what he always liked,
Jim was served plain ham and bread
On the day of the fight.
"Oh no, no cheese is on my sandwich!"
A desperate Jim cried out.
"Does anyone have cheese to spare?
Or else my luck's run out!"
But no townsfolk were served any cheese,
At that fateful lunch,
And so young Jim was worried then
He was really in a crunch.
Fortunately for Jim
All hope was not yet lost.
Maiden Kelly had heard his woes
And would help him at any cost.
"There is another lad so fair,"
the maiden Kelly decreed,
"That he is hottest in the land,
And he may yet help thee."
"I'm not a slut," Kelly went on,
"But maybe, just this time,
I can convince him to give me his cheese pita
Because my junk-trunk is so fine."
And off she went, the maiden Kelly,
To pursue her quest
While Jim waited nervously,
Remaining with all the rest.
This fair young lad was eating by his car
When the maiden Kelly him saw.
"Did King Michael banish you here?"
She asked him all distraught.
"No," the lad said, "I just like to avoid him on my lunch break."
The maiden Kelly asked this lad,
Ryan le Temp they called him,
If his cheese pita he would give to her
To help the brave young Jim.
"Sure," he said and gave it over
To the maiden Kelly,
Who misconstrued this as romantic
And then turned to jelly.
So as to get her away from him
Ryan le Temp lent Kelly his car
To get back to Jim and the waiting townsfolk
Who all were waiting for her.
Kelly did not understand his motive
And loved him even more
But Ryan le Temp just ran away
Trying to decide if she or King Michael was worse.
So Kelly, sad to lose her love,
Then drove back to Jim
And proudly handed the cheese pita
At once over to him.
And though the pita was a little burnt
In his mouth Jim stuffed it in,
And now with dairy in his system
He was sure that he would win
(or at least not die).
King Michael Scott knew none of this,
Neither did Dark Roy,
And when they approached Jim at the time of the duel
Felt sure they would beat the boy.
And Dark Roy, too proud already,
Convinced that he would win,
Took fair Pam into his arms
And tried to get her to kiss him.
Fair Pam shrieked and screamed for help
To drive Dark Roy away
And brave young Jim heard the maiden's cries
And rushed to save the day.
Dark Roy then let go of PamNot wanting to yet begin the fight
But before he moved away again
He told Pam he was looking forward to their wedding night.
Fair Pam once more fell into tears
As the men set up to fight:
Dark Roy was on the left,
Young Jim was on the right.
"How will we fight?" cried Jim then
As he courteously shook Roy's hand.
"How else?" Yelled King Michael.
"Flonkerton! The sport of Iceland!"
Oh no! The townspeople cried all at once
Flonkerton was the hardest thing!
Give them swords, or spears, or lancing even,
But not box-of-paper-snow-shoe-racing!
It was too late now to turn back,
Jim knew he must not lose
And then Dwight the Prude came out
With the box-of-paper-snow-shoes.
"You know the rules," King Michael Scott said
"First to the finish line wins!"
And then the whistle blew and all at once
Dark Roy was racing young Jim.
First Roy was ahead and then was Jim
Neither could hold a lead,
And this scared King Michael Scott,
Who wanted to succeed.
"If young Jim wins," King Michael thought
"Then the townsfolk's respect with fray.
But I want them to laugh when they see me coming,
And applaud when I walk away!"
And so King Michael called to him
His Underlord, Dwight the Prude,
And commanded him to make Dark Roy win
Whatever he had to do.
"Of course I will do what you ask,"
Dwight the Prude then said,
"Why else would there be an Assistant Evil King?"
"Assistant to the Evil King," King Michael sighed. "Geeze, Dwight, how many times do I have to tell you?"
So Dwight the Prude with the King's command
Then went to fix the race.
He asked the secret witch White Angela
To help him put Dark Roy in first place.
But White Angela, though she was a witch,
Did not believe in cheating.
She would not help Dwight the Prude,
And so their love was fleeting
And though Dwight was to give up hope
Of making Dark Roy win
Just as he was walking away
A Dark Idea came to him.
When Dark Roy and young Jim
Approached him where he stood
He would trip young Jim up
And stop him then for good.
And so his plan went as he'd hoped
And when the two men passed,
Dwight the Prude stuck out his leg,
And Jim tripped and lost at last,
Fore by the time that Jim again stood
The race was already won.
He saw Dark Roy cross the finish line
And all his joys were done.
King Michael cheered and Dwight then jeered
And Dark Roy grabbed his bride-to-be,
But before the evil party could get too happy
A miraculous sight was seen.
From far away a shining light
So magically bright
Grew closer to the finished race
'Til all those around had to close their eyes.
Though most had never seen a sight
As shining bright as this
King Michael knew who stood before him,
The only maiden to whom he'd ever bestowed a kiss.
It was Queen Jan of all the land
Come because she sensed ill work
Who'd come to right all King Michael's wrongs
Because she thought he was a jerk.
And King Michael Scott fell on his knees
Before the wondrous Queen Jan
He begged for mercy from this lady
But she just held up her hand.
"Quiet, Michael, do not speak,
I will not listen to you.
I have come to right the wrongs
That you now seek to do.
"Young Jim should have won this race,
For he was going to,
Until you had your assistant cheat-"
Michael interrupted "You mean, assistant to-"
"Quiet Michael! Speak no more!"
The bold Queen Jan now screamed.
"I will undo all that's done,
I will end your schemes.
"First, young Jim, we'll say has won,
And so deserves his prize.
Just as he was fighting for,
Fair Pam will not be Dark Roy's bride.
As for you, King Michael Scott,
Your jokes have gone on too long,
From now on you will tell no more jokes,
About red-heads, brunettes, or blondes.
"And no more email forwards, either!"
Queen Jan made sure to declare,
"And no more 'That's what she said,'
I hope all this is clear.
And as for you, Underlord Dwight,
I hear called Dwight the Prude,
You are now commanded to be nice
To make up for being rude.
"And you, Dark Roy, you've lost your bride,
I know that much is true,
But there are other maidens out there,
Who are more suited to you."
And so Queen Jan finished her speech,
All her punishments delivered,
And King Michael, cowering behind her
Then began to quiver.
"How did you know of all of this?" he asked,
"How did you know, Queen Jan?"
"HR Toby rushed to tell me everything,
He told me all of your plans."
"Toby is the death of all fun!"
But know matter how much King Michael complained
His evil-doing days were done.
Once Queen Jan freed the maiden, fair Pam,
Back to her home she wanted to go
But before she could leave, young Jim stopped her
"What of the townsfolk?" he wanted to know.
"Well," said Queen Jan, "Though I like you,
I need you all to keep this your career.
Without all of you shoveling that paper,
This kingdom would just disappear."
And so the townsfolk did listen,
And so they all agreed
And though they were sad they all understood
That the paper mine was greatly in need.
"But because you seem like good people,"
Queen Jan continued to speak,
"I'll give you all a raise, you'll be paid money now,
And you'll get a much longer lunch break.
"And if you ever have trouble with King Michael again,
Just tell Toby to come talk to me.
Now I must leave you to your paper mines
And get back to my castle in New York City."
Queen Jan disappeared in a blaze of light
Just as bright as when she'd arrived,
And when she was gone all the townsfolk looked around
They were free – sort of – they realized.
King Michael Scott could no longer torment them
With his sexist and racist remarks.
He would have to work harder to be politically correct,
While the townsfolk were allowed in quiet to work.
And so the townsfolk were now happy,
Still kidnapped but, hey, it was a life.
Only young was then sad,
Because he wanted fair Pam to become his wife.
Fair Pam was allowed to leave the paper mines,
He knew that was a clause of Jan's ruling,
So she could be safe far away from Dark Roy
And all the Warehouse People's drooling.
So young Jim stood and watched fair Pam depart,
Sad now that she would leave him,
But before she could go, fair Pam turned around
And said "I love you young Jim."
Young Jim ran to fair Pam and took her in his arms
And together they sighed with bliss,
They would married, they then decided,
And both run away from all this.
A passing sea captain – whom hated King Michael
And had only stopped by to gloat –
Performed the ceremony, wedding Pam and Jim
And then sailed them away on his boat… Ship.
And here ends the story of that young man named Jim
Who was both handsome and brave,
And how he escaped shoveling paper all his life,
And how a pretty young lass he did save.
Together the couple, the fairest of all,
Lived their whole loving life 'til the fin,
In peace in a house with a terrace,
And far away from the land of Scranton.