Daddy ate the cat

The idea for this story was thought up by a friend and I one day over the phone, and we suddenly realized that we had never seen a fanfiction using this idea yet. Thus, "Daddy ate the Cat" was born. We are thinking about making a short series of one-shots, following this idea as well.

Well, have fun, laugh a little.

Remus Lupin stretched and reoriented himself. He saw that he was in the underground room beneath the Headmaster's office that he locked himself into when it was time for his "Little Furry Problem". Remus gazed down at his hands and was shocked to find blood under his fingernails.

That's odd, he thought, I usually only claw myself when I forget to take the Wolfsbane potion, and I couldn't have gotten out. The vent is much too small and the bars are still locked up tight.

He then looked down at his body to see where the blood had come from. He saw no new cuts or bites anywhere on him. Well then, where had the blood come from? He saw a small smear of blood just below the vent shaft, but it could have been months old. Why was there blood underneath his fingernails, and why did it taste like he had just eaten part of the upstairs carpet?

Remus grabbed the keys floating outside the bars and unlocked himself from the cage. He picked up the clothes his wife left for him beside the door leading to his office. The cage and the door had been locked so he couldn't hurt anyone. While walking up the stairs he kept trying to figure out where the blood was from. After getting into his office he took the first door on the right to his personal bathroom, which was mainly used for his "problem". He looked in the mirror to see if he needed to shave and blinked, several times in fact. There was blood all around his mouth and it was starting to drip down his chin. He quickly washed his face hoping all the blood was gone and vainly tried to get the blood out from under his fingernails and went to sit at his desk in his office. What in Merlin's name had he eaten?

"Smooooooke! Smoky! You bad cat! Where are you?" yelled his daughter Stephanie.

He shook his head, no that was not…no, it was just not possible. Smoke was the family cat, well he admitted, Stephanie's cat. All the same, he would never do that.

"Has anyone seen Smoke?" Stephanie asked as she was coming down the stairs, "He's been missing for three hours. Dad, you haven't seen Smoke in your office, have you?" Remus guiltily hid his still bloody fingernails and avoided the question, "Why are you here Stephanie? Shouldn't you be in class?"

Stephanie sighed, "Its Sunday Dad. Why do you have blood on your face? I thought that Wolfsbane Potion stopped…Moommmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy… Daddy ate Smoke!"

Miranda, Remus's wife leaned over the stairway banister, which lead to their rooms and asked, "What?"

Remus tried to calm them both down, "The door was locked when I came out of my room. There is no way that anything got down there."

Stephanie wailed and ran for the downstairs room. Miranda glared at her husband and lifted one eyebrow. Lupin shrugged, still looking guilty, but honestly, what was he supposed to do? If he had eaten Smokey, the cat was dead and he couldn't change it.

Stephanie burst back into the office with something between her fingers, "Look, grey hair! Smokey's grey hair! Daddy, you ate my cat!"

James Lupin's head popped up beside his mothers and said, "Dad ate the cat? Cool! How does cat taste?"

Stephanie started wailing uncontrollably. Remus fled to the Headmasters private study while Miranda tried to cheer Stephanie up. He had always felt a little uncomfortable in the study. It always felt like someone else's room, specifically Albus Dumbledore's. Fortunately, getting rid of some of the odd and unusual instruments and changing the furniture had made it more feel more like his room.

He settled into his chair and looked over the supply requests that the teachers had sent up. Most of it was pretty standard, student potions ingredients for the storage cupboard, more china teacups, white mice…Doxie Venom? He would have to have a little talk with the Potions Master about that one. Then the door crashed open and Filch burst in.

"The brats have stolen Mrs. Norris again. I want permission to start questioning students about her location." Filch was clearly quite upset about Mrs. Norris' disappearance. He usually didn't want interrogations until later in the afternoon.

"Mr. Filch, I am quite sure no students are responsible for Mrs. Norris' disappearance. There will be a logical explanation for where she has gone. You know she likes to wander around at night." Something rubbed up against Remus's ankles. He reached down and picked up…Smoke. He nearly laughed, he had not eaten Smoke. Wait …then who had he eaten? Stephanie had found grey cat fur in his room. He look at Filch again, no, that was not possible. He shook his head.

He dismissed Filch and took Smoke upstairs. If he had… no he would not think along that line, it was disturbing. He opened the door to his office and saw that Stephanie was still crying, Miranda was still trying to console her and James, who was in fact a cat hater, was dramatizing, and acting out, all sorts of horrible situations for Stephanie's benefit. When Remus dropped Smoke into Stephanie's hands she stopped crying and gave him a one armed hug. The other arm had almost a death grip on her cat. James looked a little crestfallen, "So Dad, what did you eat then?"

"I would rather not know," Remus replied trying to remove a specific image from his head.

"It was cat fur I found in your room, so you definitely ate a cat, a grey cat!" Stephanie's eyes widened when she thought about all the cats and specifically the grey cats residing in Hogwarts, "You ate Mrs. Norris!" she exclaimed.

"If I ate Mrs. Norris, I would very likely be sick, which I am not. She had red eyes, fleas and only Merlin knows what else."

James was absolutely thrilled at this prospect, and said in a singsong voice, "Daddy ate Mrs. Norris. Daddy ate Mrs. Norris. Daddy ate Mrs. Norris." He paused, "I'm sure that she tasted pretty horrible, but at least she will never tattle on other students again! Wait 'till I tell the guys!"

"Actually James, your father and I would appreciate if you didn't tell anyone. It is hardly something to be proud of and Mr. Filch would be very unhappy." Miranda was always thinking things through and looking at the future consequences

James look disappointed, "But I want a story to tell the guys! What can I tell them then?"

Remus gave it a moments thought, "Tell them that she wandered into the Forbidden Forest and she got caught in the web of one of Aragog's descendents. That should satisfy everyone without having Mr. Filch try to kill me. If you want, you can have fun elaborating the story." He turned and walked into the bathroom, "If you don't mind, I'm not feeling too well."

James smirked. Miranda looked slightly horrified, but it was Stephanie who got the last line before her father would be, indisposed for a while. "At least Daddy didn't eat my cat."