Chapter 3: Sidney's Turn
"I wish she would have come to school today," Sidney hissed to Tatum.
"Who? Casey? She's dead, remember? And besides, she's been dead for a couple of months- why haven't you noticed until today that she's been gone?"
"STOP ASKING ME SUCH DIFFICULT QUESTIONS!" Sidney suddenly wailed, as everyone turned around to stare at her, "It's just that today, we have that big mid-term, and I was planning on cheating off of her- she was acing this class, you know."
"This is Remedial Special Ed," a voice boomed from the front of the classroom, "I expect more from you people," Sidney and Tatum rolled their eyes at the sound of their teacher, as a piece of paper with three questions was passed to each of them in turn; Sidney stared down at the first question: If Farmer John has a white horse, what color is that horse? Sidney screwed her eyes in concentration, and after nearly four weeks, when the rest of the class had finished, she scribbled the answer: Rainbow. She beamed at the answer, and handed in her paper as the next two answers were far too difficult: What's your name? and How old are you? She reckoned a 33.3 was good enough.
"Well, finally, Sidney," Mrs. Tate remarked, snatching the paper away from her, and immediately scrubbing a red zero down, "It appears to be your turn to be interrogated."
"What does that mean?"
"GODDAMN IT, SIDNEY! YOU'RE SUCH A FUGLY, IDIOTIC SLUT!" Mrs. Tate suddenly screamed, enraged.
"I was just asking a question," Sidney remarked, hurt.
"Go-" Mrs. Tate whispered, on the verge of tears, "Just go."
Sidney fled out of the room, and seeing her gone, Mrs. Tate unscrewed her bottle of sleeping pills, took out a bottle of vodka, and gave her mortal state a good send-off…
Sidney tripped over herself on her way into the principal's office; she opened the door, and found about twenty police officers inside; all were eating donuts- except Dewey, who was eating a bagel- the others stared at him coldly.
"HEWOE!" Sidney shrieked, waving madly at Dewey.
"That's Sidney Prescott- fifty cents a go. Her mom was butchered- thank God," the principal said matter-of-factly, wiping his sweaty red face, and eating a taco. "She's severely stupid," he added.
"I see," Sheriff Burke nodded, cramming a large jelly-filled donut into his huge mouth; Sidney noticed, with some displeasure that he had but three yellow teeth, and the rest had rotted away, "HEWOE!" Sidney shrieked again, this time to the others; obviously troubled by the fact that no one had noticed her.
Silence fell, "HEWOE, DEWIE!" Sidney shrieked.
"Heh," Dewey said, "I've never met her before in all my life…"
"THAT'S A LIE! A BIG NO-NO!" Sidney continued in her annoying high-pitched voice, "YOU CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT, AND WE-"
"Really, Sidney," the principal hissed, now eating a Whopper, "That's enough," he wolfed down the thing, and patted his huge round stomach.
"Sidney, we'd like to ask you a few questions about…"
"I DIDN'T DO IT! I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR. SWEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" and flailing her arms, and screaming, Sidney fled the room, leaving the twenty police-officers and the obese principal to wonder.
"Dang, that bitch is crazy," someone muttered.
"Yeah. She's a whore," another added.
"Hey, do you think…?"
"No. She's too stupid to have masterminded the death. And besides, she-"
"I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!" her voice continued from outside.
"Get the tranquilizer gun," Dewey yelped.
Three hours later, after the tranquilizer's effects had worn off, Sidney awoke in a padded cell, in a straight-jacket, Just another Wednesday, she thought, and with that, she undid the straps, and fled out through the window, continuing to scream the fact that she hadn't killed Casey.
"SWEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! SWEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! SWEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR-huh?" she was cut off by bumping into Tatum, loser high-school dropout, Stu, Billy, and Randy, the "geek" who had a 3.5 GPA, and was going to somewhere called "college." Sidney had interrupted their daily ritual of ganging up on first graders, and beating them up for their lunch money.
"Hey, slut," Billy greeted.
"Hey, pimp," Sidney replied, and for the next five minutes, she and Billy made out to the dismay- and disgust of the others.
"So, you escaped the cuckoo nest?" Billy asked, as their kiss ended, "Darn."
Sidney smiled at her accomplishment, "Uh-huh, and this time I didn't even have to get pregnant!"
They continued walking, "So, what're you guys doing?" Sidney asked.
"Going home, you stupid spawn of a slut," Tatum replied, "Duh. That's what you do when you get out of school."
"YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sidney suddenly screamed, and everyone backed away.
After she calmed down, Tatum changed the subject by talking about their individual interrogations, "They asked me if I liked to dance around like a fairy princess at three in the morning…"
"Do you?" Stu suddenly asked, "Because I do."
Everyone stared for a moment, and then decided to ask as if it had never happened, "Why would they ask that?" Sidney asked.
"Because of how she had an aneurism."
"What?" Randy asked, "What does that have to do with- whatever," he finished, defeating; hanging out with the gang of idiots was stupid but he did it anyway.
"Hey, Stu?" Sidney asked, "Didn't you use to date Casey?"
"Maybe… YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING-!" he suddenly shrieked, hiding a bloody knife, "I mean- I was with Tatum all night." Everyone cringed, as Tatum smiled, and one of her yellow teeth fell out.
"I don't get it…" Sidney remarked, shrugging her shoulders.
Suddenly, the clown appeared, and challenged Billy to a knife-fight in the middle of the street- everyone watched.
The hippie honked the horn of his bicycle, and Sidney, high from LSD, jumped out of his basket, "Thanks for the ride, stranger!" Sidney shrieked, skipping inside.
Deciding to leave the door unlocked, Sidney phoned Tatum: "You sure I can stay? Will your mommy like me?"
"She barely remembers when you broke up her marriage with Dad. Water under the bridge, Sid. Water under the bridge."
"Yea!" Sidney screamed, jumping up and down.
"I'll pick you up after Porn Star School."
"Tell your mom I'm still sorry- well, not really."
"Uh-huh, it's just...you know, the police and reporters...it brings it all back."
"Whatever. Go lie in the gutter for an hour or two, and get high. Later."
Sidney hung up, and took three red pills and three blue pills; everything turned all rainbowy and pretty. She danced, and then passed out.
Four hours later, Sidney got her things ready to have her sleepover; her eyes fell on the TV. Gale Weathers was talking, "It reminds me of when that slut's mom- also a major slut was killed. Thank God for killing her."
Sidney threw a shoe at the TV, and it exploded.
The phone rang, and Sidney answered; Tatum was on the other line, "Porn School ran late. I'm on my way."
"It's one in the morning, you skeez," Sidney whispered, laughing.
"Whatever, bitch. I'm gonna go to BLOCKBUSTER, and rent SNOW WHITE- don't worry I'll skip the scary parts."
"Pwomise?" Sidney asked.
"Yes. Goodbye, slut-o-nator."
Sidney hung up the phone, and it rang again, "HEWOE?" Sidney screamed into the receiver.
"Hey. I'll save time. It's me, the KILLER."
"Oh, hey. How's it going?"
"Cut the small-talk, slut. Look, I'm going to kill you now."
He hung up, "Oh, no, you didn't!" Sidney shrieked, and the killer appeared behind her; she screamed, and then pushed him. He fell out of the window, and onto a hobo who was sleeping. The hobo yelled, and then asked the killer out on a date; the killer obliged, and they walked off, hand in hand.
"WAAAAAAHHHH! I'M SCARED! BOO-HOO!" And Billy appeared in the window.
"Billy!" Sidney shrieked, and a cell phone fell out of his pocket.
"Now, I know what you're thinking."
"Oh, my God! You're telepathic- like- wait, are you the guy who works at Subway? OH, MY GOD! I LOVE YOUR SANDWHICHES, JARED! LET'S MAKE A BABY!"
"NO. I'm Billy, you idiot."
"Oh, yeah," and the police showed up, and took Billy away because it seemed that his cell-phone could have been easily used to call Sidney and give her the "oogie boogies" as she called them.
As Sidney was escorted away, Tatum finally showed up, and made out with an elm tree…
"Did you reach my dad?" Sidney asked, in the interrogation room.
"No. That means he's either dead or not alive."
"NOOOOO! DADDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Sidney shrieked, sobbing.
"Don't worry, Sid. Geesh. Take your fucking pill," and Sidney gulped down the pill the missile-sized capsule.